Name: Tim & Jessica Breakdown Oprah's Crazy Celebrity Aura #387
Uploaded: 2024-04-12T16:00:53.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim & Jessica Breakdown Oprah's Crazy Celebrity Aura #387' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-04-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim & Jessica Breakdown Oprah's Crazy Celebrity Aura #387' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-04-12. Transcript available.

Have you met Oprah?
No, I would die if I met Oprah.
I really, she's one of those people I would,
I don't even think she's real.
I think she's just a wax figure.
She's one of the few people that
they still retain that aura of like crazy celebrity.
Yeah.
Where you're like, God.
I met Madonna and I freaked out.
I saw Gayle King once in first class
and it did nothing for me.
That's Oprah's lover.
It is Oprah's lover, I know.
It's clearly Oprah's lover.
A hundred percent.
A hundred percent.
I've always thought that.
Of course.
Yeah.
Of course.
I also think, I think Stedman and Charles Barkley are together.
Yeah, is Stedman real?
This guy that's.
No, I think he's just a tree.
I don't know.
Well, it was just funny.
It was like back then, everybody like Rosie O'Donnell
had a fake relationship with Tom Cruise.
Like everybody just had to kind of just play along.
Yeah, because she's hot.
Yeah.
Right.
And everybody had to kind of just, you know, be that.
I know.
No, they're definitely.
Are they holding hands in that picture with Stedman in the back?
No, just the angle.
Oh.
No, but they're lovers.
Your pointer thing was just on Oprah's nipple.
That was hot.
Yeah, and Stedman though.
Look at Stedman looking out.
Yeah, he's like, why am I here?
What did I choose for my life?
What a great job for a guy to get.
Yeah, I mean.
He's Oprah's fake husband.
Yeah, fuzzman.
I know.
He just live in that big estate in Montecito.
I mean, wow.
I bet Oprah's the bottom.
Oh, for sure.
Well, she's so, she's such a top in life.
Yeah, exactly.
She's so powerful.
Yeah.
I bet Gail beats her with self-help books.
Oh, yeah.
Well, I think Gail dangles like a French patient in front of her face and then
says, you're
a dirty little whore and then throws it out of the kitchen window and then
Oprah just gets
all, you know.
Oprah's now in Ozempic.
I love that it all, like, Oprah's, by the way, had 50 trainers, 45 chefs, every
diet she
brought in, she used to have this chef, Rosie, cooking with Rosie, this, then
she had this
other chef and now she's like, let's just do it.
Shoot up.
I get it.
Do it.
Do it.
Why not?
Why not?
Listen.
She said every chef, you can, every chef.
Didn't, yeah, she, didn't she put an ax in her mouth once?
I mean, she's done everything.
Yeah, she's done everything that she can do.
They've locked her throat up.
They've, they've tried, they've locked the kitchen.
Her house is so big in Montecito, she has to drive to her kitchen and she still
does it.
She still gets in her car and drives to her kitchen, changes lanes, parks, and
goes to
the refrigerator at 2 a.m.
She cemented her mouth shut once.
Yeah, she, none of it helps.
None of it helps.
She hired Caitlyn Jenner to sit by the refrigerator with a gun.
Nothing will do it.
She once covered her mouth with Caitlyn Jenner's penis.
Yeah.
And it still didn't.
But I mean, that shows you, it's like, I mean, look at that house.
Get her house up for a minute.
I mean, that is like a fairytale Disney palace over there in Montecito.
That is insane.
That is insane.
And she just walks the halls.
She doesn't though.
Yeah.
I mean, she, she, before Ozempic, she didn't even walk to the bathroom.
But here's the thing.
So what, her school, she had owned a bunch of schools and then they got in
trouble because
the girls were being trafficked or something.
She just had some bad press.
What happened?
I don't know.
I heard there were a lot of flies there.
Shortly after the old girl's school opened in 2007, a school matron, Virginia,
Tiny Macapoe
was charged with sexually molesting several girls.
That's not great.
At the same time, Winfrey flew to South Africa to offer a press.
Yeah, but then something else just happened.
Was it a little person that sexually molested?
I'm going to f*** you.
I was a little tiny person.
Follow the little pussy.
Follow the little pussy.
All right.
Wait.
Wait a second.
Was that what happened?
Oprah Winfrey, Girls Academy in the spotlight.
Over claims of abuse of power.
Oh my.
I don't know what this.
I don't remember this.
She has all these schools in like Africa and then I think at these schools they
were having
lots of problems.
Well, her spiritual advisor also, when you get too rich, you get like a guru,
you get
a spiritual advisor, it's way out of control.
And I think her spiritual advisor went down for like being like all spiritual
advisors, by
the way, like a serial rapist.
You know what I mean?
This is just what happens.
I love that you just said all spiritual advisors.
Many of them have that.
No, you're right.
Many of them have that problem.
All of these cults, it's the same.
Yeah.
Oprah's spiritual healer sentenced to 99 years in prison for rape and
trafficking.
Yeah, but look how hot he is.
He calls himself John of God.
Yeah, I mean, I think you...
Is that my stepfather hell?
You get so rich.
Like Oprah's gotten so rich.
She's like, I just got to keep looking for the meaning of it.
One thing that shocks me is how easily taken in rich people are by grifters.
Did you just read what it said?
I totally agree with you, but I'm sorry.
Girls were forced to have babies to sell.
Oh, he allegedly operated in Brazil running farms of young girls who were
forced to have
babies to sell.
Victims were often reported missing or murdered after 10 years of giving birth
per multiple
outlets.
Oh my...
This is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.
And this is Oprah's spiritual advisor.
She endorsed him a decade ago.
This is unbelievably horrific.
But she said she hopes justice is served.
Isn't it funny?
She hopes.
Justice is served?
She hopes.
She's not going to do anything about it, but she really hopes it's taken care
of.
You think she'd go like, hey, I was wrong on that one.
Hey, guys.
No, she can't take responsibility.
Like those 18 diets I recommended, I was wrong.
My spiritual advisor turned out to be a human trafficker, and all the chefs I
brought
on that made me thin, none of them worked either.
Because they all know how to make pancakes.
You know, she would move them into the house.
Like literally, they would have these...
My grandmother was like the biggest Oprah fan every day at 4 p.m.
Really?
She watched Oprah.
Like every Long Island woman ever.
Yeah.
And then like Oprah would like be with...
She'd bring in these chefs, and she's like, this is the chef.
And it was like Chef Rosie or Chef whoever.
And then, you know, eventually, they'd put out a cookbook.
They'd become millionaires.
Right.
Multi-millionaires.
Multi-millionaires.
And then Oprah, like I guess, then they would just get axed.
I don't know what happened.
I guess Oprah was just like, I'm sick of this.
Well, she wouldn't lose weight.
She wouldn't lose weight.
Maybe she ate them.
And then she wanted...
They disappeared.
She just wanted more food.
She's like, I want candy.
Get the f*** out.
Did you ever read that Bethany Frankel book?
You know, the housewife from New York.
I texted with her the other day.
I'd never really spoken to her.
She's friends with Whitney Cummings.
She's a sweet woman.
But her book is like naturally thin.
And you read the book, and it's like, just don't eat.
Like, that's the whole book.
I'm sorry.
Listen.
It's just so funny.
That's not okay.
No, I know.
She's like...
I'm a food addict.
I'm an addict.
You and I talked about this a million times.
I'm in recovery.
I'm a food addict.
Right.
I can't have one piece of bread.
Right.
I f*** my face with bread.
We've talked about this before.
Like some of...
Don't eat.
Okay.
Don't do crack.
Don't do coke.
She'll be like, eat the rainbow.
That's one of her rules.
She's like, eat the rainbow.
How do you eat a rainbow?
I want to find out, because I love Skittles.
What does that mean, don't eat?
Eat the rainbow.
Eat different colored food.
She's like...
Then she has one where she goes, taste everything, eat nothing.
And it's like, okay.
Okay.
I...
Sorry.
But you know what?
Can I do the show with her?
This is the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my whole life.