Name: Iran, Israel & The Cool Aunt | The Tim Dillon Show #389
Uploaded: 2024-04-20T16:00:42.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Iran, Israel & The Cool Aunt | The Tim Dillon Show #389' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-04-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Iran, Israel & The Cool Aunt | The Tim Dillon Show #389' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-04-20. Transcript available.

Iran, Israel & The Cool Aunt | The Tim Dillon Show #389

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show. I have injured the side
of my mouth
by biting it. And if you've ever done that, when you bite the side of your
mouth,
it inflames and it swells and you keep biting it. And that is the Middle East.
That's all it'll ever be. That is it. You don't have to read any books on it.
You don't have to
take any courses. You don't have to listen to your friend's wife who saw a
documentary.
It is biting the side of your cheek. I get very excited sometimes when I eat. I
do not take my
time. My grandmother used to say, you don't know your body has eaten. That's
why you keep eating.
Your mind doesn't know that your body is full. So when you bite the side of
your mouth,
it inflames and it's there and you keep biting it. And then sometimes you'll
get a chunk of it
in your mouth and release. You'll go, that was close because it could have been
bad. That's the
entire Middle East. That's it. There's nothing else to do. You can read, you
can learn words like Bedouin
or whatever. It doesn't matter. That's essentially what's happening. We are in
World War III. I am on
war footing. I am ready to go. Are you? I punched an Iranian woman today in the
face in Starbucks.
The cops later told me she was Greek, but she called me a fat shit. And I was
like, this is what war
looks like on the home turf. You call me a fat shit, I'm going to rock you. And
I rocked her. Now I have a
court date, which I'll have to know. Of course, that is kidding. I'm against
violence against women,
kind of. But what I think is important, I just got back from a trip abroad. I
was abroad. And with the
great Sam Talent, nobody better to travel with. We did it all. I'm not going to
name where we were,
but we were everywhere. And I talked to everybody about everything. I have all
of the opinions from
the European continent for you. And I have condensed them to one sentence
because everybody has a lot
of things to say, but we don't have the time. We're not living in a time. So I've
condensed them.
I've truncated all of the different opinions from Scandinavia, from the south
of France,
from Glasgow, Scotland, the rainy Glasgow, from London. I've condensed all the
opinions from Finland
on the border of Russia. I've condensed the opinions to one sentence. Actually,
four words.
What I have learned after, and why are you nervous? Everyone gets, the producer
gets nervous now
because he doesn't know what's about to happen because he's trying to, he's
trying to get lifestyle
brands to advertise on the show. And the scumbags who we pay go, well, why
doesn't he post more
lifestyle content? And that guy posts all the time. I post pictures of pretty
things all of the time I
post, but that you don't like what I say afterwards. I post pictures of pretty
things all the time.
Can I tell you what I've learned after being on the European continent? What I
have learned,
okay? This is what I have learned. This is the, this is the headline. This is
the pull quote.
Okay. Okay. Okay. Get ready. Strap in. Okay.
The Holocaust.
I'm kidding, but that's, that's there. Here's what I'm, what I'm getting at.
Israel is not popular right now. They're not popular right now. They're having
image problems
at the moment. It's the girl who's feeling herself too much. We're happy for,
we're happy she made a
full recovery after the car accident. Donna, we love it. We're happy. We're
happy that you're up walking
around and she lost a little weight and she dyed her hair and the kids call
this a glow up, but it's a
lot now, Donna, Donna. It's a lot. It's a girl who's feeling herself a bit too
much. She has pain.
We all have pain. She has pain. And she reminds you of her pain. She'll tell
you. She's, she's that girl
with a pain and it's very accessible. She can go to the well of her pain and
she, and she knows
she's been through it. She was bullied in sixth grade bad. And people tell you,
they'll go, Donna,
man. Hoof. Sixth grade was rough for Donna. Every day. Tough. She had to get on
that bus and they went
at her. They went at her throat. Everyone knows someone like, we get it. Israel
has had pain and I'm
not taking it away from them, but now they are kind of feeling themselves a bit
too much. They're doing
what this, they're doing the most is what the lexicon of the internet would say.
And people
are, they're a little, you know, there's a level of, you know, even the
supporters of Israel
are kind of going, Hey, it's, it's, it's watching a friend make a very bad
decision. That is like
what I think what we're watching right now. I understand the problem. I
understand the issues.
I'm not a child. I'm not at the Columbia. What's the thing they're doing? That
transfer Iran,
the protest, everyone's mad at. They're doing transfer Iran. Let them do it.
Let the kids be
transfer Iran if they want, because that's the funny of what the time we're
living in.
The Iranians should have to have trans allies in dog collars with COVID masks
on.
That's what they get. You don't, you don't always have the fan base you want.
Remember when Trump was like, why is everyone here so poor?
You said to his aides, he goes, why does everyone here look like shit? And they
go,
well, you appeal to a lot of people that don't have a lot going on. He didn't
love that. You're
never going to get the fan base you necessarily want necessarily love, but you
do the best with it.
You make it happen. You make it work. They'll make it work. The biggest, you
know,
the people right now that are like very vocally, like pro Iran are a very ragtag
group of like,
like malcontents. And, you know, I have this quote from the free press where
they were at some
anti-war rally and, you know, they have a woman and she's wearing like dog collars
and she's got a
muzzle on and the protect trans kid shirt. And, you know, she has like a pink
gas mask on or
something. And everybody's in combat boots at the San Francisco city hall or
whatever. And
you know, Iran is going to have to confront that those are their allies here.
That doesn't mean
that all of those allies are terrible to have. I'm just saying, that's what you
got. That's what you
got. Sure. You want those, uh, uh, 19 relatively handsome hijackers from Saudi
Arabia like you had
in 2001. Sure. But times change, things move on. And, uh, the anti-war movement
in America is always
kind of, and they, there's gotta be some level of this that's engineered, not
all of it, but there's
gotta be some level of anybody in this country that, that doesn't want a war.
And there's any
kind of protest or rally within minutes, the craziest people you've ever seen
show up. I'm
talking about dwarfs and like mythical creatures from middle earth. People are
way like fawns show up
like centaurs or at the rally. It's so viscerally disturbing that everybody's
like, maybe we should
just, maybe we should just do the war. I got to stand here with these people.
That guy, that's a
centaur. I mean, go to some of these protests. Columbia is doing a, what a sit-in
or all the
kids are camping out for, yeah, for Palestine, for Palestine. And here's the
deal. Because Israel's
been so aggressive in, uh, the way it's prosecuted this war and they've killed,
I believe, 40,000
people. And it's all on TikTok and you can watch this and the horrors are
unfolding in front of
your face. It's completely natural that people, especially young people, have a
reaction the
way that people are having. They're revolted by this level of violence. And,
you know, nobody has the
stomach for this. And even Israel's most ardent supporters, for the most part,
are wondering
if this is the right course of action because Israel has suffered. And I'm a
supporter of Israel's
right to exist. But Israel suffered a tremendous loss of prestige in the world
community. Now,
some people go, well, they don't care. The world community has always hated
Israel. Maybe there's
some truth to that. But I'm just saying it is not... Yeah, so they're arresting
these people. Now,
these people set up tents at Columbia University. They've done this a few times
in the past.
And they're doing this to show solidarity with the people in Palestine that are...
And they're
encouraging Columbia to divest from whatever. Can I not... I don't want to be
indelicate here,
but don't the Jews... And I mean, let's shut it off for a minute. I'm not
trying to be indelicate.
Don't the Jews own Columbia? Like, my parents don't own Columbia. I mean, I'm
just not trying to be
indelicate. But don't the kids know where they are? Like, I mean, I'm not
trying... Am I... Do I sound
indelicate? Didn't Jewish people buy Columbia? Aren't most of the endowments
coming from... So it's like,
kids, you know, I'm not saying don't set up the tents, you know, if that's the
way you feel.
These protests don't do much, by the way. Shutting down this Golden Gate Bridge.
And I'm... Again,
I'm not morally telling people not to protest. I'm saying the ruling class of
the country doesn't
really care. They don't really care. It does not matter to them if a bunch of
kids at Columbia
get in a tent. So can you explain at Columbia University what's happening?
Yeah, so you have over 100 students got arrested. They've been basically doing
like a sit-in about
how they don't... There were 15 students, I think, that were either removed
from something because of
their anti-Zionist protest. And so then these are the students supporting the
students that got removed.
So these are all like pro-Palestinian people.
But people are mad about this. There's more going on. There's a... It's a hotbed
over there.
People are fighting with each other and spitting on each other and beating each
other up, I think.
I've heard.
Yeah.
There's violence.
Yeah.
People are angry.
Well, I think it's good for them, really.
I think it's good. I do. I think a little...
I think a little excitement in the quad is fine. I do.
I think it's fine. I'm very happy about...
You know, I don't... You know.
What do they do? What is this? The Death to America Club?
There's something funny about it.
We... Listen, if we're going to be the country that's all about, like, free
speech and all the bullshit,
we have... You know, you have to...
You have to respect people's rights to do trans for Iran.
You have to.
You have to support male...
Men that are... Pregnant men who support Iran.
They're allowed to.
You can be...
Gay for Iran.
And everyone's like, well, in those countries, people would...
They would die.
I'm like, yeah, but people...
People want to die.
People want to get stoned.
People like...
People have a humiliation fetish.
People want the things that don't accept them.
There's no fun in being gay in Portland, Maine.
You want to be gay in Iran, where you could get killed.
You know how fun it is to suck someone off in Iran when no one knows?
Because the outside of the door is your own death.
You know how boring it is to choke down a cock in Portland, Maine?
You can do it at dinner.
You can choke down a cock in Portland, Maine at a seafood restaurant.
No one would say anything to you.
You could suck someone off.
You could take out your pink cock, your little pink cock, and someone could
suck it off while
it barely stayed hard, and they worked it with their hand and mouth to try to
get the
fucking blood flowing in your member at a seafood restaurant.
And the most that would happen to you is the fat lesbian who's shucking the
oysters might
roll her eyes.
That is the most that will happen to you.
There's no fun in that.
The fun is being gay in Saudi Arabia, where you're literally getting sucked off
while you
watch someone get beheaded for getting sucked off.
Is there anything more fun than coming while watching a beheading of someone
who's getting beheaded
for coming?
You feel alive.
We've done so much in this country to make people feel, you know, I don't know,
whatever
the term is, bored.
And they have this terminal boredom.
And what they're fantasizing about is the secret police opening their door in
