Name: The Cool Aunt Rant #389
Uploaded: 2024-04-26T13:00:51.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Cool Aunt Rant #389' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-04-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Cool Aunt Rant #389' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-04-26. Transcript available.

I love this article. I read that the cool ant stereotype study finds ants play
a critical support role to LGBTQ youth.
Let's talk about this cool ant thing for a little bit because I have a lot to
say about this, by the way, because it dovetails into a lot of what I talk
about,
which is kind of this reverse engineering people who actually have very, very
tragic lives into these folk heroes.
Okay. You know, my friend had a cool ant. Her name was aunt Deb. Okay. She was
single. She had a leather jacket.
She drank and smoked cigarettes all day. When you're 13, we thought she was the
best.
She had this guy she was kind of in and out of a relationship with. Okay.
She would list a Fleetwood Mac real loud and she would smoke cigarettes on her
toilet.
And we thought that was great. She'd get high in her backyard and she'd get in
the hot tub. Okay.
And she'd blast the song dreams by Fleetwood Mac.
When the rain rushes, you clean your nose. Thunder only happens when it's
raining.
And she would just smoke her butt. And she would just dance at this bar called
the Irish Circle.
Players only love you when they're playing.
And we'd go, what a cool ant. Here's what it really was. She was living in hell.
She was living.
So this idea, this cool ant. We invented this term to like make people's lives
less terrible.
And by the way, there's nothing wrong with it either because not everybody is
going to have, I mean, everybody's life has a degree of tragedy, some more than
others.
But this cool ant that we never care about really.
It's a, we, we, no one checks on her.
Nobody checks on the cool ant.
Hey, are you okay?
No one says that.
No one says that to the cool ant.
The cool ant is just kind of there to, to be cool.
You can sneak a cigarette with your cool ant.
You could tell your cool ant you suck someone off at the park.
You're cool.
You can.
I suck someone off at the park.
Yeah.
If I had a dollar for everyone, I sucked off at the park.
When the rain washes you clean, you'll know.
Every cool ant listens to Dreams by Fleetwood Mac while fisting herself.
Every cool ant is in her bed with a vibrator listening to Dreams by Fleetwood
Mac.
The room smells like weed.
Every cool ant.
When the rain washes you clean, you'll know.
Thunder only happens when it's raining.
Every cool ant shows up to the wedding a little late.
Because she, she put on a nice buzz the night before.
She put on a nice buzz the night before.
Every cool ant has a story of like her best friend killing themselves or
something.
They always have like a locket or something.
And she's like, that's my friend Sarah.
She was my best friend.
She was going to be a ballerina.
She killed herself.
She's dead now.
Put on Fleetwood Mac.
We saw Fleetwood Mac together and then Sarah drove home and she was hit by a
drunk.
That's why I drive drunk.
To dull the pain.
Every cool ant's best friend was murdered in front of her.
She always has some quasi-lesbo relationship with a woman who was beheaded in
front of her.
That was, I had an Aunt Jen.
She's had pills.
She like asks for money for drugs.
She was the cool ant.
She like now, like they've taken her children.
You know what I mean?
Like the government comes into her house with battering rams now.
She was the cool ant.
She was cool.
You could tell her anything.
We can tell her anything.
Now she's like, like all of her kids are trans.
She made them all trans.
She like told them they were trans.
She's like, you're all trans.
And mommy loves her trans babies.
When the rain washes you clean.
Thunder only happens when it's raining.
My kids are all trans.
There's no explaining.
The teachers called CPS on me.
They called.
This is the natural end of the cool ant.
The natural end of the cool ant.
I had an aunt who faked her own death.
I mean, I'm not even going to go through this.
I'm just saying it's funny.
What does this article say?
Ants play a surprisingly critical role in supporting LGBTQ youth.
By the way, aren't most, and I don't want to sound indelicate or offensive to
people.
I know people have real problems out there.
But at this point, aren't a lot of LGBTQ, outside of very religious families or
stuff,
or people, you know, people that don't like you.
But, you know, like, it's not just your cool ant anymore.
I mean, there is more acceptance than just a cool ant.
The researchers interviewed 83 LGBTQ youth in South Texas and the Inland Empire
of California
who reported ambivalence or low support from their parents regarding their
identity.
Of those mentioned, 38 mentioned their aunts when asked to identify their most
supportive non-parental.
Yeah, because your aunt doesn't care what you do, nor should they.
Here's the deal.
If you come out as gay and your parents hate you, they're pieces of shit.
If you come out as trans and your parents hate you, like, really trans, then
they're pieces of shit.
Or maybe they just need some time.
But if you're going to be one of these people who's, you know, constantly
confusing everyone with 18 identities every other minute,
you can't expect everybody to validate and affirm you all the time, you know.
And I think maybe this is what they're running into here.
You know, I don't know.
I'm sure there are people that come out and go, I'm gay, and their parents don't
like them.
And their aunt's like, you know, one of my friends is gay.
His name is Jimmy.
They're always kind of drunk, your aunt.
They always kind of have, like, a neurological disorder a little bit.
When it comes out when they drink, they kind of, like, start to have, like, MS
a little when they drink.
And all the cool aunts are, like, they always have, like, a, um, they're always,
like, wise.
They think they're, like, wise beyond their years.
You know what I mean?
They have, like, an old car, but it's cool.
It smells like cigs.
My friend Jimmy was gay.
He's dead.
He died on the beach.
No one knows how.
You want to go to a movie with me?
Your mother was always different than I was.
Real prom queen type.
I like my job at the local paper.
I write the obituaries.
My friend Jimmy was gay.
He was in a relationship with his own father.
I mean, you could just tell how much it meant for them to have this adult
family member, this aunt who saw them for who they were, loved them for who
they are, and will do anything for them.
I think we often miss this because so much research focuses on the parent-child
dynamic or parents rejecting their child.
We're missing that there are actually adult family members such as aunts who
are deeply supporting and loving.
By the way, totally agree that there's, I think we got to get move beyond the
parent, move beyond the aunt.
How about the boss?
How about the boss?
How about a little capitalism?
How about a little capitalism here?
Oh, if you're a killer at your job, they don't care who you fuck.
How about that?
How about that?
You know?
How about that?
Define yourself by what you do, not who you are.
Be a unit of production.
Stop with people accepting you.
First of all, guys, can we stop with this crap?
People accepting you and validating you.
It's like, I don't know what happened.
When I was growing up, literally, it was everybody was like, be who you are,
and if people aren't on board with that, fuck them.
You can be an individual.
Then it became like, somewhere it became like this, it became like, your job is
to convince everyone that lives on this earth to vocally support you at all
times.
And you're like, well, that sounds exhausting and counterproductive.
That sounds like odd.
They're like, no.
It's literally your job to make everybody around you believe the things you
believe.
The job of a cool aunt, okay, is to present an option for you.
That life is an option.
There's worse lives.
There's getting your hijab ripped off in Iran and getting acid thrown in your
face.
That's much worse than being the cool aunt.
The cool aunt's an option.
Her job is to present that option.
When you are a teenager, all the friends that you have that are adults are
there to present an option of how to live.
You can be like mommy.
You can be like daddy.
You can be like Aunt Jolene.
You can be like your cousin.
That sock **** at the state school.
Who's a little too pepped up all the time and happy.
She's really in a...
We had red night, blue night.
Red team, blue team.
And I was on the blue team.
And then last year I was on the red team.
And it's really fun because we all get involved.
We all play sports.
We all drink and I eat pussy.
And I drink all the time.
And everything's about being on a sports team and doing games and fun stuff.
Don't you want to go to the fucking rec center and party?
I hope I never leave school.
Be like me.
My name is Krista.
My name is Krista.
I have frizzy hair and a big bush.
I pretend to like cock.
You can be her.
You can be her if you want.
Or you can be Aunt Deb.
When the rain washes you clean your...
That's one...
We had another Aunt Deb.
Who was not a cool aunt.
Who I kind of liked a little better.
Whose husband divorced her.
And she lived in a big house upstate.
And she was terrifying.
She was kind of like...
I don't know.
She had like a sideshow Bob energy.
And she would just open the door.
If me and her kids were there, like we'd have sleepovers.
She'd just open the door.
And she would just go, go to sleep.
Shut your mouth.
Shut your mouth.
Go to sleep.
She would say to like gritted teeth.
She'd go, shut up.
Go to sleep.
Shut up.
And her sister lived across the street.
And she had more money.
So she like hated her a little bit.
But she didn't.
But she like resented her.
Shut up.
I'm going to sleep.
Everybody's going to sleep now.
The day is over.
She used to say it.
The day is over.
But so that's the job.
The job of any cool aunt is to present to you an option for how you can live.
When you're 14 and you're looking around at the world, you're like, all right.
There's people that are rich.
There's people that are happy.
There's people that are broke and happy and rich and miserable.
There's people that are deadly serious about everything.
There's people that are kind of goofy and clownish.
There's people that seem to have secrets and they're mysterious and they have
layers.
Some of those people actually have those things.
Many of them are just very boring.
You realize that later.
Some of the secret, mysterious people are actually just incredibly dull.
You learn that as you grow up in life.
You're like, oh, no, I thought you were cool.
Are you a spy?
It's like, they're not no spy.
And it's all options.
And you take it all in as a child.
And, you know, you take it all in.
But the cool aunt is an option.
She goes, this is what happens if you allow a song to be.
Can you get that non-copyrighted?
Is there any way?
I can try.
The cool aunt is if you allow the song Dreams from Fleetwood Mac to become your
personality in life.
Okay?
A cool aunt is about a Sunday, 4.30 p.m. vibe.
She's got a margarita.
She's at a bar.
She's tan.
She's a little chunky.
She's having a few pops.
She's having a few pops.
Maybe she's got a burger with some potato chips, not fries.
She's a wild card.
She likes chips with the burger.
Okay?
It's every cool aunt.
It's the song Dreams by Fleetwood Mac.
Is this real?
Could this be real?
No copyright?
No, these are all, like, techno versions.
We'll get dinked really hard.
I know.
If we play Dreams by Fleetwood Mac right now, here's what will happen.
YouTube will run in the studio, and they will kill me.