Name: Campus Protestors Vegan & Gluten Free Demands #391
Uploaded: 2024-05-08T16:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Campus Protestors Vegan & Gluten Free Demands #391' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Campus Protestors Vegan & Gluten Free Demands #391' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-08. Transcript available.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
Let me say one good thing about Hamas.
And I will say it unironically.
Hamas, for all the negatives, okay,
they are obviously deeply committed to a vision of the world I do not share.
But here's the thing about Hamas.
They kind of, you know, they're willing to die.
They're putting their lives on the line.
It's hard to take some of the student protests seriously
when they make these demands and they go,
we want vegan and gluten-free food.
We want lotion, no sunscreen,
because there are chemicals in sunscreen, which is correct.
We want knee and elbow pads, rope and zip ties, helmet, shields, and wood,
super bright flashlights with strobe.
Utility gloves, canopies, rain ponchos, umbrellas,
EpiPens, non-steroid inhalers, headlamps, organizational bins.
Hot food for lunch is important.
Vegan food, gluten-free food, ice, no packaged food, no coffee, no bagels.
That's funny.
No bagels.
Well, the optics of it, right?
The optics would be terrible eating a bagel.
You know?
It would be terrible.
I get it.
I'm with you.
Someone, they probably had a meeting where they're like,
we can't be screaming about Israel while eating bagels.
It'll look ridiculous.
No bagels, no bananas, no nuts.
Fill out this form if you're interested in coordinating a meal.
And again, I don't tell anyone not to protest.
I don't tell anyone how to feel.
I simply am an observer.
I think that it is natural for people to be upset about the course of the war
and the things that Israel has done, and people protesting is their right.
And I completely get that.
I mean, going, I want gluten-free vegan options for the protest.
Again, it is a little, well, because their whole thing is militancy, right?
The whole thing is like, we're hiding our face.
You know what I mean?
Like, we are, and a lot of them are kind of being,
I think they're taking it a little far where it's like,
there is certainly the critique of Israel, which is understandable.
But then some of them are kind of explicitly pro-Hamas.
I believe that is the case with some of them.
And I guess if you're going to be, like, to be pro-Hamas,
but then also go, I want lotion.
You know what I mean?
Like, I want people to deliver lotion to the quad is a little silly.
It's silly.
But these are college kids, and college kids are often silly.
They're like, we're crusading against the great Satan and the military and all
that stuff.
Yeah, it's hard.
That's hard.
That's not supposed to be easy.
I mean, you guys are talking about that you want real,
and I'm not saying, again, I'm not telling these college kids,
to not, I have zero relationship to Columbia University at all.
I remember as a kid, I wanted to go to Columbia Journalism School.
Can you imagine that?
I wanted to, because I wanted to be, like, a journalist.
And I am.
I am now.
I am now.
And the thing is, if you go in and you break private property,
if you go in and break things, and you use violence,
the state is going to respond, because we are a society that has laws.
If you break those laws, you will get arrested.
Now, is the state going to use appropriate means?
I don't know.
I don't know what the NYPD is doing.
They're going to use, you know, the flashes and the, you know, tear gas
and what they do.
This is what they do.
Riots don't usually make people more sympathetic to your cause.
Protests certainly can.
But when you begin to riot and get very violent,
people tend to look at you as an agent of chaos.
And they go, we want order.
And the side that presents order is usually the one that wins.
Right after the George Floyd thing happens, we all go, yeah,
the way police are handling suspects, particularly black suspects,
is a big problem.
Then a few months later, when we have all these cities being burned down
and riots day in and day out, the narrative completely changes.
People are completely tired of, you know,
hearing that we should abolish the police or get rid of the police.
Not 24-year-old kids in Bushwick.
They think it's great.
Maybe 44-year-old kids in Bushwick think it's great.
But the vast majority of people see this and they go, it's chaos.
I think it's a little fun, though.
It seems to be fun.
There was one dude I saw.
He's bleeding from the head.
He was hot as ****.
If you can find him, he was just bleeding and hot.
There's no hotter way to be.
There's no hotter way to be than bleeding.
Like, if you're in Colombia and you're bleeding and you're, like, in Hamas,
how hot is that?
But not real Hamas, vegan Hamas, you know?
That's one of the hottest archetypes of person you can be.
Being like a hot, vegan, Hamas, bloody dude who's all ripped.
And then the blood is trickling down your abdominal muscles.
And you're like, hey, ladies.
And then you just hate **** a bunch of Jews.
What's wrong with that's college?
It's college.
Are you there to have fun or not?
There's a lot of Jew hate **** going on right now.
And I wish I had a Jewish pussy at Colombia getting beaten up.
I wish my big Jewish pussy was in the quad at Colombia just taking it from a
bunch of sexually frustrated,
quasi, you know, militant dudes or whatever.
There's a lot of great sex happening.
And nobody wants to talk about it.
But it's true.
Figure it out, Colombia.
Figure it out, colleges all over the place.
Figure it out.