Name: The Collapse Of The Restaurant Industry Rant #392
Uploaded: 2024-05-24T16:00:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Collapse Of The Restaurant Industry Rant #392' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Collapse Of The Restaurant Industry Rant #392' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-24. Transcript available.

Most of these service industry professions,
what happens is someone makes a show about them
where everyone seems hot and it seems fun.
And you're like, that's f***ing amazing.
And then there's a period where everybody gets into that job.
For a while it was bartending.
In the late 90s, early 2000s,
people thought it was a great job to be a bartender.
Like, Coyote Ugly, look at my tits.
And then, you know, people got into bartending.
Again, cocktail, Tom Cruise, 1988.
There's lore with a lot of these jobs.
People get into them because they see them on the screen
and think they're getting that experience.
There's a lot of people leaving the service industry right now
because it's not top chef.
It's not top chef.
That's not what it is.
Even though shows like Hell's Kitchen,
it's like, well, I'm getting yelled at,
but it's like somebody believes in me
and they're holding me to a high standard.
That's not what it is.
You're working at Red Lobster.
You're working at Red Lobster.
The chef's a b***h file.
It's not top chef.
It's not Hell's Kitchen.
You're working at, like, the bistro in the Marriott.
The new, like, you know, Starbucks Marriott bistro,
whatever it is.
You're heating up a focaccia sandwich for some, you know,
some f***ing fat woman at a conference of dental hygienists.
And she's like, can we get this going?
It's not what you think it is.
And unfortunately, it has been represented as something it isn't.
So people are getting into the service industry thinking
that it's going to be something,
and then they realize it's actually a hell.
Here's why it's a hell.
There's no more cash.
Can't get a cash tip.
That was nice.
In the 90s or the early 2000s and even mid-2000s,
it started to go away.
People would hand you cash.
I still tip cash.
It's great to have cash.
We are in a cashless society.
Now, you cannot get tipped with cash.
So the tips are all on the grid now,
and you got to split them with everybody,
even the people that suck.
You used to be able to take money out of your,
you used to be able to take money and put it in your pocket
and act like you didn't get it.
That was great.
That was good.
Now you can't do that.
You're on the fucking grid.
You're on the grid.
People are too educated about food now.
They ask you too many questions about the food.
They have too many allergies.
They have too many restrictions.
They have too many requests.
They're remaking all of the entrees.
Can you do this?
Can you hold that?
I don't like this.
What is the lamb crusted?
It's a problem now.
It's not I'll have the lamb anymore.
It's a five-minute interview.
It's a dissertation on every medical problem they've ever had
and their children.
They're annoying.
They have already seen the lamb dish being prepared on YouTube
before they come into the restaurant.
They know the menu better than you.
They are demanding in ways they've never been demanding before.
It's annoying to deal with these freaks.
People used to come into a restaurant, get a steak,
and cheat on their wife.
It was nice.
Limited interaction with the waitress.
Limited.
Get her over.
Get her out of there.
I look at restaurants now.
The waiter's been at the table for nine minutes.
What's going on?
Why is he still there?
Because they're discussing their strategy.
Waiters should never be your friend.
Have you dined with us before?
Have you ever been here before?
All that crap.
No.
There was stoicism.
They were colder.
They came to you.
Hello.
What would you need?
They're not supposed to be your buddy.
Stop crouching.
Don't get on the floor.
Don't touch me.
Don't be around me.
I don't want your face in my face.
Like, get away.
Be stoic.
Be colder.
Here's what we have.
In the 90s, the restaurants owned you.
You were lucky to get in.
You were lucky to be there.
No, there are no substitutions.
The chef will not be doing that.
Now, you are the chef of the restaurant.
You are the manager of the restaurant.
You make all the decisions.
You design the food.
You tell it.
Does anyone have any dietary restraint?
No, no, no, no, no.
They have to tell you what they've got or they die.
When you give up your authority, you never get it back.
Say it again with me now.
And you know who knows this?
Daddy Poot.
Putin knows when you give up your authority, you never get it back.
Okay?
Whether you're a Russian oligarch or a mall steakhouse.
If you give up your authority, you don't get it back.
If you democratize the experience, if you let the inmates run the asylum.
And by the way, there are servers right now that are like, they're going, hell
yeah, Tim.
Because they know I'm correct.
You've let the inmates run the asylum now.
You have.
You've let a bunch of people come in and tell you how to run your restaurant.
Oh, they don't want to dress up?
They want to dress like pigs.
Well, I guess we make it a hoedown because they want to be pigs.
I used to grow up thinking, oh, no, no, it's a dress code.
You're not allowed in.
You don't have the things on we need.
We have requirements.
Out.
Out.
Now people go, well, people want to dress in sweatpants.
You want to dress like pigs.
So then you have to adjust your restaurant where everyone can be a pig now.
You've given up authority.
You have no authority anymore.
You're not running the show.
You're not curating an experience anymore.
That's the issue.
I'm not saying you have to have a dress code.
There's a lot of great restaurants that don't have it.
But if you want to have one, you f***ing should and it should be enforced.
I might not go because I'm going to sweatsuit half the time.
But that's fine.
You don't need me.
The point is you have to have authority.
The meals are the meals.
We're not doing your meal.
You're not designing your meal.
We aren't serving this.
The chef thinks you should eat this.
Why don't you try it?
Oh, you're a 36-year-old who can't try fish.
You can't try something?
You're 36 years old.
You're not a 4-year-old.
Try a spice you haven't heard of.
Oh, it's actually a little spicy and I get stomach things.
Take a f***ing bala or whatever it is.
Tums.
Take a thing.
You can't.
I go out to dinner with people now.
It is a doctor's appointment.
They tell you about, oh, my stomach actually, I have things.
Just shut up.
Order whatever you're going to order that corresponds with whatever disease you
have diagnosed yourself with.
And move on.
But this is why the service industry, because at one time, it was a little bit
glamorous.
And it was a little cool.
And there was a reason to, like, we work at a really hot restaurant.
But now, because it has been, we have transferred the power to the consumer
fully.
Fully.
They are now in the driver's seat.