Name: Kevin Spacey's Soup & AI Saints | The Tim Dillon Show #393
Uploaded: 2024-05-25T16:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Kevin Spacey's Soup & AI Saints | The Tim Dillon Show #393' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Kevin Spacey's Soup & AI Saints | The Tim Dillon Show #393' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-25. Transcript available.

Kevin Spacey's Soup & AI Saints | The Tim Dillon Show #393

These are my vocal warm-ups I do.
I go, Netanyahu.
Netanyahu.
It's vocal.
Netanyahu.
It's a vocal warm-up.
And it just puts me in a good place mentally.
And if we see him, we're arresting him.
Citizens arrest.
If I see him, if I see Benjamin Netanyahu in Salt-N-Straw
or one of the places that I might be and I see him,
I'm going to go, you're done.
And he gets arrested.
Because they have warrants for him now.
I'm not going to go into it.
But they're trying to arrest him.
They're trying to arrest him.
And can I arrest, what if we split the difference
and I just arrest Barry Weiss?
Can I go arrest Barry Weiss and her wife?
Citizens arrest?
And put bagels on their hands instead of handcuffs?
Little bagels on their hands?
Come on, it's fun.
It's fun.
That wouldn't cheer up the people of Palestine?
Yeah, it would.
Yeah, it would.
Oh, there's that guy from the States
arresting Barry Weiss.
Little bagel handcuffs.
To the jail now.
To the jail.
Why are they harassing Logan Paul with his drink?
Why are they angering people?
Why are they going at these celebrities and their products?
Celebrities work very hard.
Listen up, people out there.
Celebrities work very hard on their products.
They work very, very hard.
It's incredibly difficult to get into consumer goods.
And you are attacking a man's product.
This is worse than attacking someone's family.
Because a family can defend itself to some degree.
A product cannot.
You're attacking a product.
There is almost no reason to be famous anymore
unless you are selling a product.
There's almost no reason.
Everyone is famous.
Anywhere you go,
someone under the age of 30
will point someone out that you've never heard of.
And you don't know.
And they'll go,
that's the guy that catches golf balls in his mouth
on the thing.
And you go, really?
And people will be taking photos with him.
There's zero reason to be famous.
As a concept,
it's degenerated to a point
where it's almost meaningless now.
That's the guy.
He catches stuff.
It's almost meaningless.
Money is meaningless.
Cate Blanchett,
get the video up.
She's right.
Cate Blanchett
at the
Cannes Film Festival,
people got really angry with her
because she dared to tell the truth
that she has,
she said she was,
let's watch what she said
and people got angry
because she told the truth.
And when you tell the truth
it's a revolutionary act.
I don't know who said that.
I think Netanyahu.
This is Cate Blanchett.
I'm white.
I'm privileged.
I'm middle class.
Correct.
And I think,
you know,
one can be accused
of having a bit of
a white savior complex.
But to be perfectly honest,
my interaction
with the,
with refugees
in the film,
in the field
and also in
resettled environments
has totally changed
my perspective
on the world.
because now she's,
now what's her net?
85 sticks?
85 million?
95.
95 sticks.
She is middle class.
You don't want to hear this.
Many of you,
because you subsist
on a diet of McGriddles
and fentanyl,
I understand.
You're watching
van life videos
aspirationally going,
wouldn't it be nice?
Wouldn't it be nice
to live in a van?
You know,
people now in America,
they watch van life videos,
but it's aspirational.
They go,
honey,
if we get it together,
one day we can live
in a van somewhere
by the Pacific Ocean
and we could sing songs
and play acoustic guitars
as we sing ourselves
to sleep.
Van life videos
have become aspirational.
People want that.
So to the people out there
that are upset
by me telling you,
no one is impressed.
By the way,
tell me you've got
95 million at lunch.
I'm not impressed.
I'm not impressed.
Anything under 100 million,
if you're not a centimillionaire,
and really,
if you're not a billionaire,
yeah,
it's nice to have 95.
It's a lot of money
to a guy like me,
to some carnival barker
like myself.
95.
I'd love 95 million.
I'll probably never get it
because you people
aren't as generous
as you should be.
I'll probably never get
that kind of money,
but to Cate Blanchett,
one of the greatest actresses
of our time,
she's rubbing shoulders
with royalty,
the tech CEOs
with sultans,
with whoever,
95 million ain't much.
And she said,
I'm middle class
and people are mad about it.
So my point
is that if fame is nothing
and money is barely
anything anymore
unless you have gobs of it,
unless you're the
sultan of Brunei,
unless you have,
then what is left?
Consumer goods.
To have a product.
To have a product.
To be a box.
To be in a store.
To be on a shelf.
To have a can.
To put your life's work
into a can or a box.
Like, remember the Stubbs
barbecue sauce
where he goes,
my whole life is in this bottle.
Well, Logan Paul's whole life
is in this thing of prime
and people are getting mad.
I don't know
because there's paint thinner
or something in it.
But the kids are fine.
It's got caffeine.
And he's in this war
with Ryan Garcia
who's accused him
of poisoning all the children.
Now, we like Logan Paul.
He's a very nice guy.
He's very nice to me.
I mean,
I don't know anything
about this prime.
I'm not a food scientist.
I'm not a food scientist.
I don't know.
People are saying
it's got too much caffeine
for children.
This is what I've read.
The kids are drinking it.
It's not good
for their little hearts.
What are the energy ingredients?
Let's go.
Let's see what we got.
Filtered water.
Cool.
Coconut water.
Cool.
Ingredient three.
Caffeine.
Flavoring agents.
All right.
Electrolytes.
Ooh.
Potassium.
B12.
Magnesium.
Prime energy
also contains sucralose,
an artificial sweetener
that in some studies
have linked DNA damage
and leaky gut.
Okay.
I have leaky gut sometimes.
It just means you get tired
because prime energy
contains coconut water
people with tree nut allergies
may wish to admit.
Each can of prime energy
contains 200 milligrams
of caffeine.
Caffeine is a stimulant drug
that can improve
physical performance
but it can also include
like, you know,
undesirable side effects.
Now,
in a regular cup of coffee,
you have about 95 milligrams
of caffeine.
There's about 95 milligrams
of caffeine in it.
So, basically,
it's the kids
are having two cups
of coffee
in an energy drink.
Right?
Now,
so what?
I mean,
to be honest,
and I'm not shilling
for Logan Paul,
but is this such a big deal?
They also say
there's forever chemicals
in it.
Chemicals that once
you ingest them,
they never leave.
Now, I don't know
what those are
and maybe there are
forever chemicals in it.
I'm just saying
there's a lot of
caffeinated beverages
out there
that children consume.
It's probably not great
for kids
that they're hopped up
on caffeine
and it might dehydrate them.
What should you do
if prime makes you sick?
Well,
call poison control.
Do they have that on it?
Is that on every
energy drink,
by the way?
Is that everywhere?
To call poison control
if that's not ideal,
is it?
Call poison control.
Two influencers,
KSI and Logan Paul,
they're probably
the two biggest
influencers in the world,
have an energy drink
where people are drinking
a lot of caffeine in it.
So what?
I've never tried a prime.
I don't know
what it tastes like.
I'm not an energy drink person.
But apparently
no one's died
from this yet,
right?
It's not like that
Panera lemonade
where a couple of
people's hearts exploded.
If kids start
dropping dead
from this,
dad claims
son eight
nearly died
after consuming
prime drink.
He couldn't breathe.
Well,
then don't let him
drink it at eight.
But what if you're eight
and you want to be
a champion?
What if you're
an eight-year-old
that wants to be
a champion?
Look at this family.
Get a nice close-up
on that family
from the UK.
Look at that family
from the UK.
Logan Paul almost
killed one of those
children.
Luan Tusha,
pictured with his
family in London,
Loon Luan Tusha
claimed his son
Fabian nearly died
from consuming
a prime energy drink.
He couldn't breathe,
Tusha told the son
about his son's
experience.
He started to pull
his hair and his
cheeks.
My wife got a
cool towel and put
it on his forehead
to try to calm him
down.
After calling
emergency services,
paramedics discovered
his blood pressure
was very high
and monitored him
until he became
stable.
Huh.
Well, they've just
banned it.
Prime Energy banned
in Australia.
So, Australia's not
fucking with this.
In Australia,
you can literally
have a drink at
breakfast and it's
encouraged and no one
cares.
So, just to give you
an idea,
they swim with
sharks.
There's so many
things in Australia
that can kill you.
So, for them to go,
hey, not good.
School kids are
running out and
taking these things
and that kid was
pulling his face
apart.
Imagine that.
You have a kid.
He drinks a prime
and he starts
pulling, trying to
pull his face off.
He's trying to
pull the skin off
his face just so
he can breathe.
He looks like a
fish.
He's ripping his
skin off his face
like he has gills.
He's like,
get the, let me
get oxygen.
Daddy!
And he's pulling
his hair.
He's in a total
meltdown.
But this is
inevitable.
This is what's
going to happen.
Celebrities now
just want to
have products.
This is all
they want.
It's, if you're
not a mogul
in our society,
it's meaningless.
It's meaningless.
Cate Blanchett
wants to be a
mogul.
She's middle
class.
She's got
95 million
dollars.
She's just a
middle class
white lady.
If she is not
a mogul,
like Jessica
Alba,
the honest
company,
if she's not
slinging
Casamigos,
Clooney,
Ryan Reynolds,
gin,
if you do
not have
a product,
a brand,
if you are
not on
stores,
on shelves,
in stores,
what the
fuck's the
point?
And if a
few eight-year-olds
have to pull
the skin off
their faces,
so be it.
So be it.
Wait till you
see what I
come up with.
I will have
a pancake
mix.
I will be at
a press
conference and
they will go,
people are
saying your
pancake mix is
just pool
chemicals.
People are
saying that and
I go,
I am offended
by that
implication.
They go,
eight people
have died
from your
pancake mix.
I will come
up with
something.
Listen,
I'm sure,
can we say
this?
I think
Logan Paul's
a nice guy.
I,
if,
I think
every kid
that dies
he'll feel
bad.
Is that
not enough
for people?
Is that
not enough?
What do
they want?
What do
people,
what do
these selfish
fucks want?
Every eight-year-old
who tries to pull
their skin off
their face or
whose heart
explodes from
drinking this,
I guarantee
Logan Paul's not
going to be
thrilled about it.
He's not
going to be
happy.
All you can
ask celebrities
is to be
upset after
their products
have killed
someone.
That's all
you can ask.
You can't
ask them to
be God
or omniscient
or know
what's going
to happen
or how
people are
going to
react to
things.
They just
have to
go,
huh.
I mean,
everybody else
is selling
booze,
alcohol.
George Clooney
is selling you
tequila so you
can drink
and get drunk
and it makes
it a little
easier that
you're not
him.
Ryan Reynolds
is slinging
gin.
It's easier
to stomach
the fact
that you
are not
Ryan Reynolds
with a couple
of nice
martinis
of his
gin.
Life gets
better.
You know,
they're just
turning around
and going,
here's some
booze,
baby.
Beauty
products,
they're a
big one.
They're a
big one.
Fenty
by Rihanna.
Don't you
want to look
like Rihanna?
The Jenners,
Kylie Jenner,
they were
ahead of the
game.
The Kardashians
were ahead
of the game.
Honest Beauty
by Jessica Alba.
It's honest.
It's good.
It's from,
you know,
we don't,
you know,
I don't know,
rape livestock
or whatever.
We don't take
mice and
shove them
in a pipe
or whatever
the other
company is
doing.
What does
Maybelline do?
How does
Maybelline test
their stuff?
They just put
a mouse
in a cage
and then they
just put so
much makeup
on it,
it looks like
a drag queen
and then it
drops dead.
But Jessica
Alba's not
doing that.
She's not
doing that.
She's not
putting a lot
of drag
makeup on
a rat
until it
dies.
They're doing
honest things.
This is where
Kevin Spacey
went wrong.
He went wrong
because he
could have
had a product.
Kevin Spacey
could have
had a product.
Instead,
he went around
goosing people
and taking his
dick out
and now he's
in trouble.
Although,
although I'll
be honest
with you,
if you watch
the documentary
and this is
the prob