Name: The Cracker Barrel Rant #394
Uploaded: 2024-06-06T22:00:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Cracker Barrel Rant #394' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-06-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Cracker Barrel Rant #394' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-06-06. Transcript available.

Cracker Barrel's in trouble. The CEO is on an investor call. The stock is plummeting.
The
chain restaurant in talks will be redesigned. What does it mean for the country-themed
restaurant?
I think the problem with Cracker Barrel is you really do feel when you're
sitting in it like
you're at a Klan rally. It's not the most... People don't mind being white
trash. They don't
want to feel like white trash all the time. And the Cracker Barrel aesthetic is
kind of a garbage
person aesthetic. It's just a, you know, it's a mythology about like what it's
like when you're
living off the land. Everything's real simple here at Cracker Barrel. Come on
in and get a home-cooked
meal at Cracker Barrel. And what it really is, is a dump. And good pancakes are
good. The food's
actually decent. It's okay. But it needs to step up to the new kind of more
modern fascistic thing.
We can do modern fascistic because that will be a genre of restaurant. It's
like a fascist
place. But you got to get rid of this like hearth and these old skis on the
walls. Get rid of all this
crap. Get rid of the bare skins and the, you know, these weird contraptions.
You got to design a modern
patriotic place where you can say, I'm a modern patriot. I don't ask no
questions. Give me my
chicken. Give me my chicken. I don't want to know nothing about nothing. Give
me my chicken. I support the
military in everything they do. In everything they will maybe do. War is good
for the soul. That's what it
should say when you go to Cracker Barrel. It should say war is good for the
soul on the wall. Cracker
Barrel, by the way, should just be to get you ready for war as a restaurant. It
should be what Fox News
is where it just gets you ready for war. And MSNBC is actually starting to do
that now too. Most of our
cultural institutions in the country have just decided that their main function
is just to prepare the
population for war. So what Cracker Barrel, like the menu should just say rations.
They should say
rations on it. And in your waiter should come over and say, God bless America.
Every sacrifice is
remembered here at Cracker Barrel. Like it should just get you ready to go and
die somewhere. That's the
theme of the Cracker Barrel restaurant. And I think that it just, it's, it
needs to be redesigned.
So it kind of looked like they should just have plan. They should have TVs with
military flyovers
where you just see the planes like flying over football games. You should get
out of Cracker
Barrel and punch your wife in the face. Cause you're so revved up. You're so
revved up. You should
come out of Cracker Barrel and commit a random hate crime. You should just
commit a random hate crime
at a rest stop when you walk out of Cracker Barrel. That's the point of Cracker
Barrel. You get out of
there ready to fight. You're ready to fight because that's what this country is
about. It's about war.
They just got to retool it a little bit. They got to retool it. What is the CEO
saying? What's his
plan? Does he agree with me? It's a she. She said that they're not. What? I've
located one of the
problems. It's a she. That's a problem. Cracker Barrel says, CEO, we're not as
relevant as we once
were. The 54-year-old roadside eatery with its old country store and down-home
menu of chicken fried steak
grits and hash brown casserole has been steadily losing customers for the past
decade.
They want to start refreshing the interior and exterior with a different color
palette. They got to go hard in
there. They got to remind people what this country is about.
Killing for God.
That's what Cracker Barrel should be about. Killing people for God. Jesus. The
white one.
Cracker Barrel should be about killing. You raise a family until they're old
enough to kill and then
you send them. You unleash them on the world. We're just not as relevant as we
once were.
Chief Executive Julie Fels-Massino, who took the helm of the company nine
months ago, said,
some of our recipes and processes haven't evolved in decades.
Well, figure it out.
Or you're going the way of Red Lobster.
Cracker Barrel is a rest stop meth dungeon.
It really is. There's zero reason to eat at Cracker Barrel, really, unless you're
like,
it's where human traffickers like, like, take a break and eat a little bit.
But it can be redesigned as a fascist place, as an American fascist eatery.
This is the ex-president of Taco Bell, this woman?
She was an executive that did wonderful things at Taco Bell, and so now she's
Cracker Barrel.
Well, here's what Taco Bell's done. What Taco Bell's done is consistently aimed
for, like, junkies.
That's what Taco Bell does. They use bright colors, and they use the same five
ingredients,
but it's for junkies. It's marketed to junkies. It's marketed to stoners.
It's marketed to people that are out late at night, drunks.
They didn't try to be healthy. They didn't try to do any of that s***.
Cantina menu's fake. They are, their bread and butter is people that are out at
one o'clock
in the morning, and they know it. They know it. This is the woman in the
meetings when they say,
should we try to appeal to people? She goes, absolutely not. We will lose this
company if we
try to appeal to people. She's got to be the one in the meeting that has the
balls when they say,
should we make Cracker Barrel more inclusive or more diverse? She's got to go,
no, actually,
it should go the other way. It should be the scariest restaurant in this
country.
We should literally put on our website, we're the home of traditional values.
There should be a
picture of Donald Trump, a picture of Jesus, and a picture of ribs, and that's
what they should do.
That's their brand. Lean into it. No DEI Cracker Barrel. You're going back to
basics. We are a
restaurant for white people who are going to send their children to go die in
Iraq or something
before they have a chance to get addicted to drugs at home. It's the last meal
you have before you
drop your kids at Fort Bragg. That's Cracker Barrel. It is the last meal you
have before you drop
your children to go die with honor. That's what you're going to do. You're
going to die with honor,
son, because we've seen your mother's medicine cabinet. There's a few things
missing,
and we know you've been drinking and hanging out with that Spanish girl. So
guess where you're going?
Wherever the government says, wherever the government says, you're going. And
we're going to have a nice
family meal at Cracker Barrel, and then we're going to drop you off, and then
you're going to go shoot
a baby in its face because that's what you're doing. Go die with honor at Cracker
Barrel. Here at
Cracker Barrel, we understand that everybody can be a little bit of a problem,
even the youngins.
Ain't that right, Israel? Cracker Barrel stands with Israel. Cracker Barrel
should come out and stand
with Israel. Right after the Rafa attack, Cracker Barrel should say a lot of
restaurants puss out when
things get tough. But here at Cracker Barrel, we know what being an ally means,
and we don't mean an
ally to those dog mask wearing in San Francisco. We mean an ally to Israel.
Israel's getting ready for
the coming of Jesus Christ. He's coming back, and they're clearing the land,
clearing the land to
prepare for the Lord Jesus to come back. So here at Israel, here at Cracker Barrel,
if you come in
here and you can prove you're a Zionist, you get a free slice of pie, kosher
pie. Come on down to
Cracker Barrel. Casualties happen. They should be out in front. Because all
these New York City Jews
would never be caught dead in a Cracker Barrel. Flip the script. Flip the
script. Cracker Barrel should
be targeting here at Cracker Barrel. It's come to our attention. Most people
don't even know what
Zionism is. We're given a course on it. So if you come to our Cracker Barrel,
our pre-fixed four-course
dinner, one of our waitstaff will explain to you the necessity of keeping the
Holy Land holy for the
return of Christ, no matter what. Come on down to Cracker Barrel, and at four
courses of food,
we'll tell you what needs to be done. We'll tell you what needs to be done. I
don't care how you
pronounce it. Ra-fa-ra-fa. It's all bad to me. Get ready. Cracker Barrel's
coming. Cracker Barrel.
They should sponsor the Israeli war. Cracker Barrel is the official sponsor of
Israel's war in Gaza.
Sending biscuits to Netanyahu. Cracker Barrel. Some call it a genocide. We call
it good eating.
Some say it's a genocide. We say it's good eating.
Here at Cracker Barrel, we think, what if drones could deliver gravy? What kind
of world would we be
living in? A much better world than the one we live in now. Here at Cracker Barrel,
there's nothing
better than a man marrying his own daughter. Cracker Barrel. We believe in incest
and Jews.
Cracker Barrel. That's what they should do. If you want to have sex with your
own child,
you bring them to Cracker Barrel. Get married to your own child at Cracker Barrel.
There's nothing
wrong with it. Cracker Barrel. I mean, listen, what if they became the official
restaurant of
***? We're the official restaurant of alternative lifestyles. Cracker Barrel.
For minor attracted
persons. Maps get really hassled in this country. Come on down to Cracker Barrel.
Ain't nobody gonna
rat on you. Come on down and get a good down home meatloaf with your boy or
girl. If you're a minor
attracted person, there's a lot of judgment in society, but not here at Cracker
Barrel, the official
restaurant for maps. Minor attracted people. These should all be pitched as
brand alternatives
to like homestyle family. Here's the thing. There's no more homestyle family
****. Everyone's on math.
Everything, every little small town is like a meth dungeon. It's a meth factory.
The rivers are polluted.
That's hunting and fishing. That's all over. So you can turn it into a fascist
war factory, or you could
make it a place for like minor attracted people, maps, and people that are into
incest. It's at rest
stops, Cracker Barrel. We know where it is, right? It's a side of the road
restaurant. You don't have a lot
of options. You can't make it. No one's getting a shellfish tower at Cracker
Barrel. Make it a restaurant
for **** files. Come on down to Cracker Barrel. We don't ask no questions,
except how much money you
want to save on our dinner. Cracker Barrel for minor attracted persons.
Hi, my name is Jules, and we've done a lot at Taco Bell by focusing on feeding
junkies. We thought it'd
be very interesting if we just played around with the idea of just alluding
very vaguely to incest in some of
the commercials and kind of targeting minor attracted people. That's all. And
it doesn't have to be
explicit. Maybe it's a father kind of smiling at his daughter while he cuts the
pancakes or...
Again, America is going to have... Listen, don't get mad at me. America is
going to have a very dark
place, and I'm the CEO of this company, and I don't want to lose. I hate losing.
My name is Jules Fels
Messino, and I hate losing. So I just want to point this company in the
direction where we can win.
There's a lot of **** files. There's a lot of people having sex with their own
kids, and they need to eat.