Name: Celebrity Home Invasions & Costco | The Tim Dillon Show #395
Uploaded: 2024-06-08T16:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Celebrity Home Invasions & Costco | The Tim Dillon Show #395' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-06-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Celebrity Home Invasions & Costco | The Tim Dillon Show #395' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-06-08. Transcript available.

Celebrity Home Invasions & Costco | The Tim Dillon Show #395

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
I had a great night at Gotham Comedy Club.
I did the Comedy Juice show.
It was great.
Jerry Seinfeld was on stage when I walked in.
It was wild.
I was very excited.
I was a little nervous.
He has no idea who I am, probably, and wouldn't care and shouldn't.
But I was nervous that, you know, because he made that film.
That I discussed.
And I didn't know if he was going to get off stage and, like, beat me up.
Because he is kind of an elegant guy.
You don't think he would come to fisticuffs with a guy like Jerry Seinfeld.
He's a billionaire or something close to that.
But what if he just smacked me across the face?
I wouldn't hit back because I respect success.
I do.
That's the thing.
I really do.
I actually do.
And if he smacked me in the face and, like, spit on me, I would just stand
there and be like, I didn't mean it.
Truly, that's exactly what I would have said.
If Jerry Seinfeld got off stage tonight at Gotham Comedy Club and he smacked me
across the face and spit on me, I would have said, I did not mean it.
That's what I would have said.
Because it's Jerry.
And I respect that.
You know what I mean?
Like, I mean, I would be lying if I said I would do anything else.
I would say I didn't mean it.
I was hoping, this is what I was hoping happened.
I was there with my friend who's an insignificant comedian.
I won't say his name.
We were there and we were, it's true.
He's earned nothing.
And I was there with him.
And I thought it would have been great if Jerry goes, after my set, he goes,
come on, let's go.
And then we go.
We get in his car.
We go right to the helipad.
He puts us on a helicopter.
We land in the Hamptons.
He takes us to his kitchen and he keeps feeding me Pop-Tarts.
And it's like, have you ever seen the movie Seven?
He's feeding me Pop-Tarts the way that the guy ate the spaghetti.
They fed that guy spaghetti until he died.
Seven is a film that my father took me to see when I was like nine years old,
which is not appropriate.
But it was a really great movie.
Who doesn't like the movie Seven?
So now that, and I want you to show this picture to the audience because that's
what I wanted Jerry Seinfeld to do to me.
Feed me Pop-Tarts until I exploded like the guy in Seven.
But instead of that, after he did a great set, he killed.
I'm a fan.
I'm a big fan of Jerry.
His stand-up, you know, is killer.
He's a fucking legend.
And he gets off the stage and he's whisked away.
Gone.
Gone.
Before he can smack me.
Before he can set me straight.
He does not even know who I am.
I guarantee he's never heard the criticism.
Which was lighthearted and fun.
Let's be honest.
The criticism of the film was lighthearted and fun.
And no one should get angry.
Nobody with a Billy should be mad.
But he didn't even look.
It was interesting.
He didn't even look in my direction.
Not that he knew not to look.
But it almost felt like he almost maybe did.
But great set.
I had great set.
Everybody was a killer show.
At the Gotham Comedy Club.
Lots of fun.
My pool in the Hamptons is not done.
It is upsetting.
And I know that this is one of the segments of the show that people are not
going to find relatable.
We get this from time to time.
People get very angry.
They go, you know, well, no one wants to hear about your problem because it's
not really a problem.
You know what I mean?
And I get it.
I get it.
But I'm there the other day and there's two guys working on the pool.
And one of them I said, how long is this going to take?
And this guy said, and he had an accent, and he goes, it will be very quick,
maybe two weeks.
And I go, where are you from?
Where are you from?
And he goes, and it was a silence.
But it wasn't long.
And he went, Ukraine.
And I went, you're from the Ukraine.
And he said, yeah.
And I said, did you just come here after the war?
And there was a silence.
This time it was longer.
And he, like, welled up.
You could see the tears in his eyes.
And he, like, he went, yes.
And then he nodded.
And then I felt terrible because he's a young guy and he's over here.
And I felt very bad.
But I said to him, after, like, a minute, I said, I'm sorry, you guys are going
through that.
And you just kind of nodded.
And he looked down at the floor.
And then I said, but we have to get this pool done.
Genuinely.
Because the season has kind of already started.
I tried to explain to him the season in the Hamptons.
I said, do you know where you are?
Like, do you get it?
I go, the season is kind of starts earlier and earlier every year.
And I was explaining to him, like, I'm losing out.
Not having the pool.
And he got it.
And I felt really bad.
And then I called Ray.
And Ray made a great point.
Why isn't he fighting with the Ukraine?
He deserted.
He deserted.
He deserted the Ukraine and the pool is late.
So when you think about it, you know, if they don't get this done on time, I'm
going to go up to him and go, huh?
Why aren't you fighting with your people?
Why did you leave?
Why did you run away from Russia the way you're running away from deadlines?
Why are you running away from the Kremlin the way you ran away from our June 1st
deadline?
I feel bad for him.
I feel bad for him.
I do.
But, you know, what am I going to do?
What am I supposed to do?
Let this slide?
I have to be forceful with him, even though, you know, he's not the boss,
clearly.
He's just the worker.
But, you know, I get things out of him.
You know, the boss never shows up to the fucking job.
So I get things out of the young Ukrainian who's lost it all.
He's lost it all.
And it sucks.
But he's now in the Hamptons.
He's building pools.
That's kind of cool.
That's not bad.
That ain't bad.
By the way, what was he going to do there?
Think about it.
It's not that great.
You're in the Hamptons building pools, meeting podcasters.
Is that not cool?
So what?
So what?
Figure it out.
Move on.
But he did look very sad for a moment.
Because I believe the war for them was very disruptive.
I do believe that.
I do believe it was disruptive.
I have nothing to say about Caitlin Clark.
I'm the only one who doesn't.
I don't care.
I don't care.
I mean, she's white.
People like her.
They're watching the WNBA.
Maybe.
Are they?
Really?
Is it a big...
And the black girls are mad.
And I get it.
They're mad because she's white and people are watching for her.
I get it.
What do you...
You know?
Hey.
I'm not watching.
I'll never be watching.
I'll tell you.
I don't care how good she is.
I don't care what she does.
I don't care what any of them do.
I will not be watching the WNBA.
You know?
I barely watch the NBA.
People tell me all the time.
They go, why don't you go to UFC with Dana White and sit there with Joe Rogan?
I go, I don't like that.
I'm not into that.
I don't care.
They go, but do it anyway.
My agent calls me and goes, why don't you go to the Lakers game and sit in the
front row at the Lakers?
I go, who cares?
Why?
Well, that's what people do when they are trying to get famous, but they need
to get even more famous.
I go, I don't care to do it.
Well, I'd be embarrassed if I was on the Jumbotron.
Everybody's like, who's that idiot?
Some people know who I am.
What are we doing here?
Why don't you go do it?
You have famous friends.
You go sit next to them with your famous friend at the Laker game.
Why don't you go see the WNBA game?
Go see Caitlin Clark.
Get on the Jumbotron.
You go with one of the big dykes you know.
We're a big lesbian.
You go and see Caitlin Clark.
You're the big dykes.
They're all nuts, these people.
They go, why don't you do more?
You should go to UFC.
I go, you know, I just, you know, if I'm not genuinely interested in something,
I don't do it.
I don't care if it will benefit me.
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
Who cares?
You know, so all I'll say about this woman is, hey, it sucks.
It sucks to have a white bitch come into the thing and turn her into that.
So I'm sorry about it.
And what about that bitch who was in Russia?
Is she back?
Is she in it?
And no one cares about her?
Does no one care about that woman?
Well, I don't know what to tell you, but the one who went over to Russia and
she got caught with the weed pen.
And then we traded, like, the most dangerous person in the world so that she
could come back and no one cares about her?
Who do we trade for Caitlin Clark if she ends up in a pen?
If Putin puts her in a pen, who would we trade for her?
Apparently every, all of Congress, which I would like maybe.
But no, seriously, who would, if the Lord of War got traded for this bitch,
Brittany Griner, nobody cares about.
If Caitlin Clark got, then I mean, it would be, who would we trade?
The Rock?
Someone big.
Because she's such a big deal, apparently.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I'm happy for other people's success.
And I want everyone to be there.
I want people to get to a place where they can be happy for the success of
others.
But it'll never be.
It's not how we are designed to be as people in this country.
When you live in this country, you're not designed to be happy for the success
of other people.
You're to believe it is a threat to you and your family when someone does well.
When someone else does well, you should immediately view them as a threat to
your livelihood and general happiness.
They are a threat to your happiness if they are doing well.
They are a threat to you.
That's the ethos of America.
Somebody who's doing good, you got to take a deep breath when you see someone
doing well in this country.
You got to go, okay, oh boy, oh boy.
And it's unhealthy.
You people got to be happy for other people's success out there, but you can't
do it.
You can't do it.
People get very heated and very angry.
Not like me.
I celebrate all people at all times.
My friend Jerry makes a movie.
I watch it and I like it.
I like it because it's fun and it's about tater tots.
The next film, Netflix presents tater tot.
The story of the...
It's just the story of the tater tot.
Jonathan Tucker is an actor.
He's in Los Angeles.
He did a really good thing.
There is a...
He usually plays bad guys.
I don't know anymore who these people are.
I don't know who these people are.
None of this is real, by the way, anymore.
So, let me...
Let me...
Apparently, this person's an actor.
No, I mean, this is what we're going to have to do now.
Apparently, this person is an actor and I'll take everyone at their word.
And he's on a show called Kingdom.
And Kingdom is what again?
About what?
It's a...
I think it's a fighter out of Venice.
Yeah, great.
So, there's that.
And he's an actor.
And he lives in an area called Hancock Park in L.A.,
which is an area of old mansions where, like...
I don't know.
Was it Bing Crosby that lived in the Western White House?
Was that where he lived?
Who owned that Western White House?
I think it was Bing Crosby.
Hancock Park has some legendary real estate.
It was the Beverly Hills before Beverly Hills was Beverly Hills.
Hancock Park is the old school, really high-end area.
They have the famous country club.
And all of the old stars of yesteryear.
We're talking the 30s, the 40s, silent film stars.
And then, obviously, the talkies when they went into that.
Hancock Park is old school.
And this guy, Jonathan Tucker, who's an actor, and I'm sure has a great career,
and I'm not going in him at all.
I'm just saying, I don't know anymore.
There's too much to know.
There's too many actors.
There's too many shows.
There's too much.
So, I don't know.
He's a great person, apparently.
around 6, 34 p.m.
In Hancock Park, he has an industry executive wife, Tara, and their twin
children.
Tucker saw a stranger enter a home near his own and acted.
Basically, there was a home invasion near his house.
He, like, ran in.
When he was talking to the police, Tucker spotted a door wide open and dashed
into the house where the intruder had just gotten entry.
He first encountered a terrified little girl who he carried into the street,
handing the child off to his wife and went back to find her mother an