Name: Costco Has Turned Americans into Monsters #395
Uploaded: 2024-06-12T19:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Costco Has Turned Americans into Monsters #395' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-06-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Costco Has Turned Americans into Monsters #395' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-06-12. Transcript available.

How one of America's biggest retailers
methodically turns casual shoppers into fanatics.
What Costco has done, by the way.
What Costco has done is quite impressive
because they've turned Americans into monsters.
And I remember like when everybody from my neighborhood
first started to get their Costco cards
and they're, you know, we have something called BJs
and there's different variations of Costco.
But I remember that.
Everybody started to get their Costco cards
and then you would go with them.
It was a big day going to Costco.
It was like a big day.
I remember my mother, her friend,
I would like lend my mother her card or something
and then we would go to Costco
and it would be a big day because you can get items in bulk.
You can have everything and you keep it in your house
and it's exciting to have food forever
and know that you don't have to go shopping again.
You have all of the food
and when you have more, you consume more, of course.
You have more, you eat more.
You have a bucket of something, it disappears.
You don't portion it out.
It's not rational.
They know this.
They know what Costco people are not.
It's America.
They go, if we give people a bucket,
they're going to eat it
and they're going to come in and get another bucket
and make no mistake, you get buckets.
If you showed Costco to somebody in Europe,
they would vomit.
We buy industrial size buckets of like cleaning solution,
but it's ketchup or it's mayonnaise or it's barbecue sauce.
The size of some of the Costco products
shows some of the bigger, some of the biggest Costco products.
It's truly grotesque.
And when I was in Europe with Sam Talent,
we were over there performing
and none of this exists.
None of these exist in Europe.
You cannot go to a store
and get three months worth of chocolate-covered pretzels.
You're not permitted.
I think we got to stop allowing certain things
and this is kind of one of the things, unfortunately,
that I think we're going to have to stop allowing.
I think this is probably,
and this is where my libertarian streak,
you know, it hits a little bit of the wall
because I do think that in the food space,
like for example,
I think we're going to look back on this.
You remember subprime mortgages?
I do.
And they were all adjustable rate mortgages.
You would take a mortgage
and then a few years later,
the rate that you had would quadruple.
It would double, triple, quadruple.
And then you could no longer pay the mortgage.
We all look back on that.
And we go,
why the fuck would we give someone a mortgage
that was cheap for two years
and then wildly more expensive
just 24 months later?
These people's lives aren't changing.
It's not like in 24 months
they've all made lots more money.
Why would we do that?
And the reason that we did it was greed.
And look at that.
Costco selling massive bag of popcorn.
Look at this.
This is not okay.
I think we're going to look back on this
and say this is not okay
that we let the companies
not only poison the food.
I mean, look at that.
Look at that.
Go to that cart
that that woman has a child
sitting on that.
Now, yes,
there's a lot of water here
and the tide and detergent
there's a lot of water and stuff
but there's also going to be
a lot of food on there.
She's just warming up.
People have like these
this is all industrial.
If you go to Costco
it's like a big factory.
It's a warehouse.
And you're pushing large cans
of poison
in a cart
and then you have to load up your car
and then you go feed your family.
I don't think
and you know
it marries a lot of the trends
in America
like a lot of people are preppers.
A lot of people are preparing
and maybe they're not even stupid.
Who knows?
They're preppers.
They're preparing for a time
when they cannot get food.
This was big during the pandemic.
People started to really panic
and then people would stock up.
Even me.
I said I don't stock up on anything.
I eat out a lot.
I usually don't freak out.
I don't think that like
you know
we're not going to be able to get
like you know
Kraft mac and cheese
but people were like
stocking up
during the pandemic
on everything
and that's always
kind of been a theme
of America
is that people
use the
perhaps legitimate fear
of some cataclysm
as a reason
to have so much food
and hoard
and hoard
food in their homes
and have closets
full of food
pantries
full of food
8, 10, 12, 15
things of breadcrumbs
20 breadcrumbs
things
you could fill
a kiddie pool
with breadcrumbs
and just
you know
coat
chicken cutlets
in it
for hours
and it's just
I think we're going to
look back on it
I think we're going to go
this was a major mistake
I think we'll look back
on this
and I think we're going to go
this is disgusting
and this is a major
turning point
going to a warehouse
to feed your family
was a turning point
in our culture
and it was not a good one
walking into an
industrial
warehouse
and buying
tubs
of things
barrels
of things
rolling
things
onto a cart
putting
so much
stuff
on a cart
you can barely
see your child
it's not good
this was not a good
turning point
creating a fun
environment
in that warehouse
where they had like
food
you eat
you eat
and you shop
the Costco
had that little
thing you would
buy food at
that people really liked
the chicken bake
there was a few things
in there
that were fun
they had frozen yogurt
and you would eat there
it was a whole day
getting food
was a whole
day
and you would need
to eat
literally
Kirkland
yeah Kirkland
signature brand
everything
you would need
to eat
to have the
energy
to then shop
for two hours
because a trip
to Costco
would be two or three hours
and they would tell you that
your mother would tell you that
you go
don't whine
this is gonna be
three hours
and it would be
three hours
of going around
Costco
which was always
air conditioned
to a point
where it was frozen
because they like to keep
the fatty
boom
baties
comfortable
it's comfortable
to be
it's a nice
cool
you never want to leave
if you're in a nice
cold environment
and you're
a fatty
boom
batty
you're
you don't want to leave
it's comfortable
the minute you start sweating
you're out
so they kept it
like sub-zero
it felt like you were
walking around the freezer
and you got everything
and I just think
we gotta turn on this
this has gotta be
this is not
good
someone has to
articulate
probably better than me
why it should be
shameful
and embarrassing
to be a member
of this
it should be
shameful
embarrassing
to be a member
of this
this is not
how you should shop
this is not
how you should
feed your family
I'm sorry
everyone now
on Instagram
they make these videos
all these like
blue collar
working class people
are making food
videos now
with all this
poison food
because they're like
why should the rich
people have all the fun
making food
I'm gonna show you
how to make
buffalo chicken
pudding
there's a woman
on there
and I'm not gonna
bring her up
and I do like her
but she's like
she does these
tutorials
where she's like
today I'm making
pizza cake
so what
it's cake
and pizza
and my kids
like it
she doesn't ever
feed the kids
vegetables
she makes the worst
food for the kids
over and over
again
there's this other
woman
and I don't know
what people get out
of watching her
she does like
she's like
watch a working
class woman
make her husband's
lunch
and she makes
him
like
like
just adult
like lunchables
with like
all processed
food
and it's
the most
disgusting
thing
you've ever
watched
listen
I'm
I'm
saying
I think
with the
Ozempic stuff
maybe this is a
turning point
maybe we are
about to turn
on this
they certainly
feel like
all of these
drugs are
starting to be
very effective
people are
starting to
eat a lot
less
a lot of
these companies
are flipping
out
they don't
know what
to do
all of
the
people that
make Ozempic
and Wagovi
and all those
they're
now I think
the most
like they're
the biggest
they have the
biggest market
cap of any
European company
I forget
the name
of the
company
that makes
Ozempic
but
Nova
something
something
else
it's made
by
Novo Nordisk
yes
Novo Nordisk
Nordisk
a brand
of
yeah
is the
maker of
Wagovi
it's Europe's
most valuable
company worth
more than
500 billion
euros
this is the
beginning of
a big
turning point
and what
I believe
if this
is all
correct
this is
the
beginning
we're
gonna start
turning on
these
food
warehouses
fast
food
I think
it's gonna
this could
reshape
America
could totally
change
I'll be
dead
everyone I
know
will be
dead
maybe
not
maybe
not
but I'll
tell you
this
I think
this
could be
such a
major
disruptive
just like
the
porn
to that
tribe
in the
Amazon
you might
see a
time
because
nobody
takes
Ozempic
and goes
let's
go to
Costco
there's
no way
if
Ozempic
does
anything
you should
not be
able to
walk
through
a
Costco
and I
haven't
done
it
yet
I'm
waiting
to see
if
these
celebrities
croak
as
Stavros
said to me
in the
green room
he goes
let's
wait
and see
if
Mindy
Kaling
drops
Mindy
Kaling
but
here's
what
Ozempic
should
do
if
it
does
anything
if
you
walk
into
a
Costco
you
should
have
the
reaction
of
that
girl
from
the
exorcist
your
head
should
spin
off
your
shoulders
you
should
start
projectile
vomiting
if
Ozempic
does
anything
when
you
walk
into
Costco
you
should
just
start
it
should
be
like
the
exorcist
because
you
should
be
disgusted
by
this
food
that
could
fall
off
the
shelf
and
kill
you
that
should
make
you
heave
on
Ozempic
you
should
be
disgusted
Wagovi
Munjaro
whatever
you
should
walk
through
Costco
and
I
mean
it's
like
me
14
years
sober
going
through
San
Fran
watching
people
lay
on
the
street
with
needles
out
of
their
arms
that
is
what
Ozempic
should
make
you
feel
like
in
Costco
and
the
article
is
the
cult
of
Costco
right
and
it
is
a
cult
yeah
the
cult
of
Costco
it
is
go
down
here
for
a
minute
let's
see
sensory
overload
starts
the second
you enter
the
airplane
hanger
besides
store
the
place
is
packed
with
people
and
do
I
smell
hot
dog
water
yes
you
do
the
shopping
floor
is
a
bewildering
jumble
of
merchandise
much
of
it
stacked
high
above
your
head
still
in
cardboard
boxes
there
are
virtually
no
signs
to tell
you
what
where
you
eventually
realize
that
the
stuff
you
came
to
buy
is
of
course
all
the
way
in
the
back
I
hope
these
become
museums
museums
I
really
do
I
hope
we
look
back
at
this
and
these
become
museums
you
know
we
do
move
on
from
stuff
there
used
to
be
bars
everywhere
littered
this
country
was
littered
with
bars
where
people
would
sit
and
smoke
cigarettes
they were
on
every
corner
and
now
they're
not
there
as
much
they're
almost
gone
they're
almost
gone
because
Americans
simply
just
decided
that
they
didn't
want
to live
like
that
and
I'm
not
saying
that
was
the
right
decision
either
considering
what
they're
doing
now
but
you
can
look
at
these
stores
and
eventually
see a
time
in the
not so
distant
future
when
they
don't
exist
when
they
don't
exist
when
people
are
like
you
know
what
I'm
not
gonna
buy
I'm
not
getting
five
an
app
my
mother
once
got
an
appetizer
box
the count
was
300
hors
in
the
box
at
Costco
it
was
80
potato
puffs
they
told
you
what
they
had
it
was
like
80
potato
puffs
80
you know
whatever
turnover
whatever
these
things
are
80
pigs
in
a
blanket
for
New
Year's
we
didn't
throw
any
party
you
know
it's
it's
it's
too
much
it's
disgusting
it's
disgusting
and
I
think
that
maybe
this
these
ozempic
drugs
change
and
everyone's
like
well
isn't
that
the
easy
way
out
America
is
the
easy
way
out
dummy
you