Name: Biden's Mumbles & Dance Moms | The Tim Dillon Show #399
Uploaded: 2024-07-13T16:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Biden's Mumbles & Dance Moms | The Tim Dillon Show #399' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Biden's Mumbles & Dance Moms | The Tim Dillon Show #399' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-13. Transcript available.

Biden's Mumbles & Dance Moms | The Tim Dillon Show #399

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
Congratulations, President Trump.
I guess let me be the first to say that
because it does seem somewhat inevitable.
Perhaps we save money on the election.
No.
I don't know.
Of course not.
There's a long way to go.
There's a long way to go, as Joe Biden has reminded us.
There's a long way to go.
It doesn't feel that long,
especially when you consider how quickly the summer goes.
It's going to be over tomorrow.
You will be at a Halloween party tomorrow.
It's just this, because this is the best time of the year.
The best time of the year is the time of the year
that is the most ephemeral, meaning fleeting.
The times you hate, like if this was going on in January,
from January to May is an eternity.
It's an absolute eternity.
From here to the fall is very quick.
It's very, very quick.
And the president seems to be,
they've now frozen $90 million.
These big donors have frozen $90 million
so that he is not going to be able to use it
because many of the big money players are getting nervous.
We talked about this last week.
Got all these people in the Hamptons at a fundraiser.
Jill goes up and talks about nothing.
This is a few days after the debate.
Biden comes on, talks for seven minutes.
He's there to reassure everybody that he's good.
Hey, I'm good.
It was a bad night.
It was a cold.
Hey, I'm fine.
That was, you know, he talked for seven minutes at that fundraiser and left.
And I knew a few people that were in that yard and they were like,
that was not comforting.
No one felt comforted.
I do like the things he's doing where he whispers very forcefully.
And he like gets, and he's like, and you know what's going to happen?
Nothing.
I like that.
There's something about an elderly person who's determined.
My grandmother was kind of like this at the end.
They would go, go to the hospital and she would sit there and drink her scotch,
sit in the chair.
And she goes, get away.
There's something about an old person at the end.
Hanging on to life bitterly.
It's, I like it.
Like I, I, it feel, it makes me feel alive.
I like seeing, and some people would call it elder abuse and that's fine.
But I personally kind of enjoy seeing this man well past his prime demand
that people recognize that he is on earth and that he is alive.
It's very similar.
There was a show called Dance Moms.
Okay.
This is American politics.
Get it up.
Show them Dance Moms.
Show them Abby Lee Miller.
The great Abby Lee Miller, who's out of jail now.
And cancer-free.
She's cancer-free.
Show them Abby Lee.
Get Abby Lee Miller.
That's Abby Lee Miller.
This show, Abby Lee Miller, the show Dance Moms,
was this fat lady who would scream at children.
Eight-year-olds, nine-year-olds, and they would have breakdowns.
They would cry.
Look at her.
Can we play any of this or would it be, it's a problem, right?
They'd come right to the studio, kill us?
Okay.
Well, we can't play this.
Abby Lee Miller would get all these girls, these young children,
and demand that they do these dance routines and not make one mistake.
And if they made one mistake, they knew.
You would see their faces.
They knew it was over.
She would bring them back.
And I like the show because I like to see greatness demanded of children.
I think it's good.
There's something about demanding greatness of the young and the old that I
kind of like.
So Abby Lee Miller, a fatty bun batty, would bring these girls back and scream
at them
and then scream at their mother.
She'd go, you made a mistake in the group routine.
Look at me, Mackenzie.
Look at me right now.
Get off your mother's lap.
Stand there and look at me.
Mackenzie, it is not looking good for you.
And then these kids would cry.
They would cry because they're, now, obviously dance is competitive and whatnot.
I'm not talking about the morality of this.
It seemed rather amoral, like it wasn't, you know, good.
But these kids now are kind of rich and fine, most of them, right?
One of them might be dead.
I don't know.
JoJo Siwa might have been one of them, but I don't know.
She's the lunatic who, I'm getting really in the weeds.
It's not where we want to be.
We're circling it back.
My point is that you see, was JoJo Siwa on Dance Moms?
Yes.
Yeah, it was a good poll.
So she was on Dance Moms.
So, okay, so it's not all good, right?
Some of them went really left and it's not great.
JoJo Siwa was that girl, she dresses up like Satan.
She dresses up like Kiss, the rock band Kiss.
And she's like, oh, she's a terrifying lesbian.
Look at this.
So that's what happened to some of them on Dance Moms.
But then some of them are fine.
My point is this.
She would scream and yell at these girls and they were so terrifying.
And they would have to go out and do this dance routine.
And they could not make one mistake, one deviation.
They could not, if they were supposed to go to the left and they went, even
just like hesitated
and maybe thought, maybe should I go to the right?
She would just break them down.
You see that girl crying right there?
JoJo Siwa, she would just break these girls down.
That was watching that Biden press conference.
Here's a guy who is way beyond the age that this type of pressure should be put
on him.
Way beyond the age that he should have any, he should just be sitting like it's
where I'm at,
out east on Long Island right now.
People have these lazy lives.
They wake up.
They swim in their pool.
They go to the farm stand.
They get a tomato.
They slice a tomato.
They eat it to put a little salt on it.
They eat a tomato.
They sit in their yard.
They read half of a chapter of a book.
They go to bed at nine.
That's literally what his life should be.
Instead, he's at the fucking G7, G8, G7.
Where is he?
He's at the NATO summit.
And this is the most high stakes thing that anyone would ever have to do, let
alone a guy at his age.
And it is kind of the show Dance Moms, where like you have, they just, he's got
the same face
that those kids had before they did the routine.
They're like, fucking Christ, I can't let this fat bitch down.
If I let this fat bitch down, my life is over.
They kicked me off the competition team.
And if I'm off the competition team, I'm not competing.
And if I'm not competing, what do I have left to do except get pregnant and
take pills?
And that's really, Biden's like, if I leave, if I stop competing, I'm dead.
If I'm out of the White House, I just disintegrate and die.
Every article is about like, what a schmuck I am, how fucking I gave the
country back to Trump
and he's miserable.
I feel for the guy a little bit.
Not a lot.
Not a lot.
But a little.
But I like seeing there's something about, and that's why the show Dance Moms
was fun.
Because you watch the kids and you're like, don't fuck up.
Don't fuck up.
You know what happens if you, Mackenzie?
You know what happens if you fuck up.
Mackenzie fucked up a lot.
I don't know why.
She was just not.
If this routine is not dialed in, you're all gonna get the wrath of Abby Lee
Miller.
So Joey B, let's play some, let's play some highlights from this very high
stakes press conference.
That the president, because some of my favorites are the forceful whisper where
he goes,
and he gets right up in the mic and he goes, and you know what?
And you know what?
I'll only leave if God Almighty comes down and tells him, and you know what?
He ain't coming.
He ain't coming.
Let's see some of the highlights.
Now he introduced Zelensky as Putin.
He introduced Kamala Harris.
He talked about her.
And he said President Trump.
He said President Trump.
He misspeaks quite often, which again, independent of everything else, would
just be like a flub.
Be like, oh, this guy's a flub.
He flubs.
But then you have the staring off into space, the weak voice, not quite knowing
where he is, losing his place.
You know, so let's see some of the highlights.
This is some of the highlights from the current president, leader of the free
world, Joe Biden.
And now I want to hand it over to the president of Ukraine, who has as much
courage as he has determination.
Ladies and gentlemen, President Putin.
President Putin, you're going to beat President Putin, President Zelensky.
I'm so focused on beating Putin, we've got to worry about it.
Anyway, Mr. President.
I'm better.
You are a hell of a better.
I'm better.
Can you believe, by the way, can you believe, think about being Zelensky right
now.
Zelensky's whole country has been torn apart because he's been given these assurances
that the United States is going to stand by him no matter what.
OK, can you imagine that Zelensky, look at his face.
He knows that face that Zelensky is making is perfect because he knows he's put
all his faith in this administration and he's being introduced as President
Putin.
He knows he goes, this is over.
He goes, this is bad.
And the Ukrainus is it's been, you know, this has been a war that's been raging
for years.
And then this poor guy is standing on the fucking like this is a this Zelensky's
face is the face of every mortgage broker in 2007.
Like no matter they know it's over, they know it's about to end and who's ever
on stage, whatever CEO of any company.
When I was working in that time, they would have all these, you know, meetings.
They'd get up at like the Huntington Hilton and they would do a meeting and
they'd go, the fundamentals of the company are strong.
We believe the more.
And then months later, it was like, everybody get out.
You're all fired.
We have no money.
And that's coming.
And he knows he knows that what's coming is not good because what the man he is
relying on and the administration he's relying on for money is introducing him
as President Putin at the NATO summit.
And then he goes, I'm better.
It's like he's trying to do like a fun comedic thing because he was a comedian.
I mean, by the way, this is the sloppiest CIA thing ever.
He was a comedian on a show where he played the president.
People don't even know this.
I bring this up.
People look at me and they're like, what?
They don't even know Zelensky was the president on a show, like a comedy show
in the Ukraine.
And the darlings, yeah, it was called Servant of the People.
After a Ukrainian high school teacher's tirade against government corruption
goes viral on social media, he finds himself the country's new president.
The satirical comedy stars Volodymyr Zelensky before he took office as the
president of the Ukraine.
So can you imagine, like, say what you want about Russia, say what you want
about Putin, say what you want about it.
I don't want to live there.
I like where I live.
But imagine being the president of Russia and looking at the, and going, okay,
the CIA is not going to do this.
You're not going to pick a comedian and install them as the president of the
Ukraine.
This is like the sloppiest, most low effort thing anyone's ever seen.
These darlings in Langley, Virginia were like, you know what, let's, let's just,
hey, the country knows who he is already.
They're comfortable with him as the president.
Let's just put it, you know.
Can you imagine, like, Putin sitting, I don't know where he is.
He's in Sochi or, I don't know where his palace is or whatever.
He's sitting there.
Maybe he's in the Kremlin.
And they come up to him, they go, hey, so listen, the FSB is reporting that
they're going to try to get, they're going to, they're pushing Zelensky, Volodymyr
Zelensky.
And then Putin goes, wait a minute, I must have misheard you.
You mean the actor on the show?
Putin probably didn't even watch.
They're like, this guy is an actor on the show.
He plays the president and somehow now he's going to be the president of the
Ukraine.
And Putin's just, like, staring, going, we're not, we can't, we're not, this is
not happening.
We're not going to do this.
We're not going to do this.
And by the way, everybody who is, you know, because I, it's the summer, you see
more people, you talk to more people, you hear more people.
What a blessing.
And I just had my family over there, 