Name: Matthew Perry & A Hamptons Tragedy | The Tim Dillon Show #405
Uploaded: 2024-08-17T16:00:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Matthew Perry & A Hamptons Tragedy | The Tim Dillon Show #405' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-08-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Matthew Perry & A Hamptons Tragedy | The Tim Dillon Show #405' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-08-17. Transcript available.

Matthew Perry & A Hamptons Tragedy | The Tim Dillon Show #405

Israeli official says Iran war is inevitable and U.S. should attack now.
That's what I love about Israel.
I liked it as a friend.
They're always getting us into something.
I like it.
The summer got a little boring since, you know,
they almost shot the president in broad daylight.
They, who knows who they is.
I'm just saying it was, you know, we're kind of in the doldrums,
the dog days of summer, as they say.
And, of course, our good friend Israel says,
listen, this war with Iran, which no one knew anything about a few months ago,
is an inevitability.
It's just going to happen.
And the U.S. should attack now.
Just get it over with.
Rip the Band-Aid off.
Go in there and do what you need to do.
Let's not get nuts with the diplomacy.
Let's not waste anybody's time.
Israel's like, people's patience has been really strained by this Gaza war,
which has gone on now for almost a year, right?
And they go, people are really getting sick of this.
Nobody knows what the objective anymore is in Gaza.
I don't think anyone knows.
I don't think anyone knows what the objective is anymore.
I don't think the objective is clear now.
I don't know if it, you know,
one time it was to defend yourself,
to root out Hamas,
and people understood that.
But now, I don't know that anyone knows that, you know,
there's a clear objective or a clear plan for what's going on.
So I think Benjamin Netanyahu, to his credit,
has figured out the only way to really keep people's eyes on the ball
is to keep the party going.
I mean, we got to keep the party going.
And the way to keep the party going is to just get the United States
to just start launching cruise missiles into Iran, apparently.
It is inevitable, along with a surge of combat aircraft and warships,
President Biden dispatched three of his top Mideast advisors,
CIA Director Bill Burns, to the region this week,
to try to delay Iranian and Hezbollah military reaction against Israel.
Because remember, Israel went in and they killed Ismail Hania,
who is the Hamas political bureau chief,
who is in Iran, I believe, to attend the new swearing-in
of the president of Iran.
Remember, the old president, Iran, died in the helicopter crash.
That perhaps, I mean, Israel's good at this.
Perhaps the Mossad had something to do with.
Perhaps it was just weather.
I don't know.
Helicopters are all held together by that god nut.
It's that one bolt.
And if it goes, it's over.
So these things do happen.
I am terrified when I get in a helicopter
and I've only done it a few times
and I take off on the West Side Highway
and we go out to Meadow Lane in Southampton,
it is a very scary thing.
So I'm not saying that someone in the Mossad right now
is just noting that.
They're writing that down, by the way.
They're going, they go West Side Highway,
you know, Hudson Yards to Southampton.
But all I'm saying is this, you know, Iran, you know,
Israel's kind of provoking Iran, right?
They're doing things.
If you remember that fake attack
where Iran launched a bunch of missiles,
it wasn't a fake attack,
but it was thwarted by U.S. and U.S. allies,
including Middle East allies like Jordan.
They helped shoot down these missiles.
They didn't affect Israel.
But Israel's now like,
we got to go and we got to, you know,
get the U.S.
Everybody's got to get wild.
And I think the Trump administration would do a good job.
I mean, you know, the campaign,
not the administration, the campaign.
They do a good job to differentiate themselves
from the Democrat war all the time policy,
which seems to be the policy of the Democratic Party right now,
where it's just like,
just find a reason for the war,
whether it is true or not,
whether it's about Brittany Griner
or the treatment of gay people in Russia
or whatever they're hatching,
trans athletes being able to compete in the Olympic,
whatever, you know, domestic narrative
they're kind of shoehorned a foreign conflict into.
I mean, you know, that seems to be the policy.
But Trump's also out there going like,
we're going to bomb Iran.
We're going to straighten it out.
And I think there's not enough,
there's not enough space between those two policies
for most people
because the mainstream Republicans
just want to go to war
and the Democrats just want to go to war.
There doesn't seem to be a huge difference.
There's not a lot of daylight
between those two policies of
war in the Ukraine, war in the Middle East,
because that's what the Democrats are offering.
You're offering war in the Ukraine
and now Miley Cyrus,
party in Iran, party in the USA,
party in the Middle East,
get into it with Iran,
larger regional conflict.
And then the Republican Party
is kind of offering that too,
but with more values, I guess?
With like better Christian values or something?
I don't know.
There should be,
we should delineate and go,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Donald Trump should go,
I'm going to de-escalate.
I'm not going to bomb anyone.
I'm going to scale down.
We're not going to have troops
all over the place waiting to get into wars.
I hope that's the case.
I mean, Israel is the friend
sometimes on the block you go out with
and they're like,
let's just throw some M-80s.
Let's have a little fun.
You know?
Because they kind of have a bad home life.
That's what Israel,
it's the friend with like a bad home life.
And they're just like,
you know,
my mom and dad fight,
shit sucks,
let's go smoke a cigarette behind his shed.
And America's the rich kid.
And America's like,
yeah, why not?
I like Israel.
Israel has my values,
you know?
And I was like,
yeah, but Israel's,
it's like sometimes you need a girlfriend
to explain it to you,
which would be,
I don't know,
France maybe?
You know,
I get it.
You like Israel,
but Israel's living situation
is like really fucked up.
Like his mom and dad don't even speak.
Like there's literally cops at the house
three times a week.
Yeah,
but I like Israel.
We go out,
we get in a bar fights,
you know,
we throw M-80s in the lake,
we watch it blow up.
Shit's fun,
you know?
And then one day Israel comes to you
and is like,
we just got to go fight these kids
from this other high school.
And you go,
I don't even know why we're doing this.
Like,
and you go,
listen, man,
here's the reality.
Me and you are bros.
And you go,
yeah, dude,
I totally get it.
But my girlfriend has made a good point.
Like you are in a fucked up situation.
By the way,
there are friends in your life
and a lot of times it is hilarious
that it does happen in the summer
because the summer,
there's no structure,
there's no school,
there's nothing.
Everybody's just floating around.
People's lives unravel a lot of times
in these two months that we're in.
And you do notice with some friends
and you will,
as you grow up,
younger people listen to this show,
maybe not a lot of them.
You know,
we have a fair amount of people
in their 20s.
Maybe we don't have a ton of people
in their late teens,
but we probably have some.
You will notice
some of your friends
are out of control
and seem to always attract problems.
And there's nothing you can really do about it.
Even if they share your values.
I'm not saying Israel
is completely at fault
for their problems.
There are a lot of people
that have gone into that.
You know,
a lot of people have made that
sausage over there
in the Middle East
and it hasn't turned out great.
But what you have to do
at a certain point
is go,
hey man,
I'm not going to go fight
those kids
from that high school with you.
It seems crazy.
I don't even really like,
well,
those kids are going to build a nuke.
Yeah,
you know,
sure.
But can't we just kill a few scientists
like you guys have been doing forever?
Like,
why do we have to have a hot war
in the middle of fucking August
with Iran?
But you know,
this is what's going on
and you know,
the United States,
there is,
there needs to be daylight
between the two policies
of the two main candidates
on this shit.
And there isn't.
Because the Republicans
so badly want to be
the rah,
rah,
tough guy
party
that is very hard for them
instinctively to go,
no,
no,
no,
no,
no,
no,
no.
We actually
are going to be the pussies.
We're going to be the pussies here.
And I don't mean in,
in actuality,
but in the way that they talk.
Because the Democrats
are presenting
as like the jock,
fuck you,
fuck Putin.
Ukraine made it
six miles into Russia.
You know what that means?
Russia's falling.
Ukraine captured a town
and I'm not saying
it's not impressive
or didn't shock Russia.
I was on the phone
with a lot of Kremlin officials
this morning
who paid for my Rolls Royce
and bought my houses
and they were saying
it was shocking.
Many of them were
kind of surprised,
to be honest,
on our telegram chat.
We have a very funny
telegram chat
with Lukashenko,
who's the minister,
and me.
And Putin doesn't
come in all the time,
but when he comes in,
he genuinely is hilarious.
But the Ukraine
has captured the Russian town,
the fall of Sudsa,
Sudsa,
Sudsa,
about six miles
from the border
will be Ukraine's
first capture
of a Russian town
since its troop
crossed into Russian territory
10 days ago.
Now listen,
this is impressive.
The Ukraine
has taken the war
into Russia.
They've crossed the border.
They captured
some Russian POWs.
Of course,
the Western press
is gleeful.
And this means that
Biden is now considering
sending long-range weapons
again,
which he was against.
Now he's thinking
about it again.
So here's what I want
everyone to think about.
If Ukraine is losing,
they need more weapons
and more money.
If Ukraine
seems to be
breaking even,
they need more weapons
and they need more money.
If Ukraine
is winning,
well then they'll
really need more weapons
and need more money.
There is no
thing,
there is no outcome
where Ukraine
does not need
more weapons
and more money.
So,
it's just,
there's a permanent
column in the
Defense Department's
budget
that is allocated
towards the Ukraine
no matter what
until
there's a regime
change in Russia,
which is the whole goal
of the entire thing.
Now,
I don't know
what Russia's
going to do
to defend itself
or escalate the war.
I hope it doesn't
involve the killing
of more people.
I think it's horrible
that anyone gets
killed anywhere.
You know,
that's the way
I feel
and Boeing
and Raytheon
and General Dinette,
we all hate killing.
But,
I'm just saying
the Republican Party
needs to go,
no,
no,
no,
no,
no,
we're actually
going to scale it back
and you can't hang out
with Israel this weekend
because we're going
to the lake.
We're going
to the lake
with my parents
and no,
we're not
inviting Israel
because the last time
we invited Israel
to the lake,
Israel did all kinds
of crazy shit.
Remember that?
They were smoking
on the raft
and then the raft
fucking burned
and then we all
fucking thought
we were going to
fucking drown
in the middle
of the lake
because Israel
got drunk.
Okay?
And I'm not saying
Israel doesn't deserve,
I'm not saying
that Israel
doesn't deserve,
like,
it should be able
to go and protect
itself and its borders
and it should be able
to enact a price
from Hamas
for what they did.
1,000%.
That's the way
the world works.
Hamas
perpetrated an attack.
Israel absolutely
has the right
to defend itself.
But where are we now?
What are we,
10 months,
11 months?
Where is this?
8 months,
9 months?
October?
10.
10 months?
45 plus thousand
people killed,
a massive
humanitarian crisis,
a famine,
all kinds of,
you know,
and it just,
there's nothing
going on
and then everybody
goes,
well,
how about we get
into it with Iran
and what we,
what?
We don't,
we don't need
to be involved
right now
in like
all of the wars.
So we've got
40,000 killed
in Gaza,
6,000 to 20,000 missing.
I wonder where they are.
Where are the missing?
Where are the 6,000
to 20,000 missing?
Maybe they fled,
some of them.
How many of them
are thriving?
About 93,000 wounded,
about 10,000 detained,
and about 2 million displaced.
So this is a humanitarian crisis
and make no mistake,
the United States
is going to probably
have to participate
in the rebuilding,
reconstructi