Name: The Mushroom Pilot & Jailed Billionaires | The Tim Dillon Show #407
Uploaded: 2024-08-31T16:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Mushroom Pilot & Jailed Billionaires | The Tim Dillon Show #407' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-08-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Mushroom Pilot & Jailed Billionaires | The Tim Dillon Show #407' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-08-31. Transcript available.

The Mushroom Pilot & Jailed Billionaires | The Tim Dillon Show #407

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
Thank you so much for tuning in.
I'm in a hoodie.
It's 91 degrees in Manhattan.
I drove in from Long Island.
I didn't realize now at the eastern tip of Long Island,
it's cool at night and people have hoodies on.
And I figured that would be okay,
but apparently I got in here and it's 91.
Pavel Durov, the CEO of Telegram,
arrested in France, released,
but not allowed to leave France.
39-year-old Russian billionaire detained over charges
that his messaging app is used for criminal activity,
including child abuse, images, amongst other things.
I don't use Telegram.
Wait, am I on Telegram?
Let me check.
Someone made me, I'm on Signal.
Someone made me download Signal
because it was like, like, we're going to talk on Signal.
And then this person just sends me memes on Signal.
Like, there's no, I thought it was,
I was going to get like cool, like inside info.
Like, I'm like, yeah, I'll download Signal,
which by the way, the NSA, they can all read all of this.
But I was like, fuck yeah, I'll download Signal.
You got some fucking cool shit.
And it's memes.
It's memes.
Or it's like, we just talk about regular things.
It's like someone, it's like, you know what restaurant I like?
We're on Signal.
Send me something that's going to get us killed.
Isn't that the point?
Tell me something cool.
Tell me you know that where Matthew, what's his name, David Crooks?
Be like, I just saw him in a rehab.
He's still alive.
Fox News just put out an article about Matthew David Crooks.
The FBI now, is it Matthew David Crooks?
Am I right?
I thought it was Thomas David Crooks.
It's Thomas David Crooks.
Whoever Matthew David Crooks, I apologize to you.
But I know as much about Matthew as I do about Thomas.
I know more about the woman who shot Selena than I do about who shot the
president,
ex-president of the United States.
We know nothing about this guy.
He had no digital footprint.
But Fox News has run an article now.
They're revealing the first photos of his firearm
and the IEDs he had in his car trunk
and that he flew a drone over the site of the speech
a few hours before it started.
But again, he has no digital footprint.
They haven't told us about his Reddit activity,
whether he was on Discord,
whether the guy had, you know, he didn't have any social media.
But supposedly he had no digital footprint.
However, he just Googled things all day.
They have all these, I mean, he was online.
This is what's funny, right?
So there's no social media, but he just Googled.
Every day he would Google, like,
how far was Oswald from Kennedy?
Who should I shoot today?
Should I shoot Trump or Biden today?
You know, it was one of those things where you go,
apparently, somebody's FaceTiming me.
I'm doing the podcast.
I got to go.
It was Pavel Durev.
How crazy is that?
How crazy is that, is Pavel Durev?
But no, all of these Google searches that this kid,
he's just, by the way, find them,
go down in the article here,
they'll tell you what he searched.
He's like,
he was obsessed with searching.
He had been hyper-focused on Trump's rally in Butler, PA,
but he was also searching,
you know, he searched the former president's campaign schedule
and upcoming appearances in Pennsylvania,
and he was searching for 60 searches related to Trump and Biden,
including events scheduled to take place in Western PA.
So he had no social media,
but he was just online searching.
He also noted specific searches conducted on July 5th
to include when is the DNC convention
and when is the RNC in 2024.
So supposedly this guy didn't care who he shot,
and on July 10th, he searched weather and Butler
because he wanted to, I guess,
know how the wind would affect the trajectory of the bullet,
but he had no other online footprint,
and he just apparently started searching these things
relatively recently, kind of before the shooting.
He was searching all of these search terms,
these key terms.
It's almost like, and again, we're just having fun.
We're just having fun.
They almost seem like, sir, and again,
we are, it's for entertainment purposes only.
Don't put me in jail.
It's not fair.
It almost seems like these searches you would,
if you were trying to create, again, fun,
a profile of someone who did this,
and they're like, what did they search for?
It's like, how to kill the president?
How far was Oswald from Kennedy?
They seem, and I'm not saying he didn't search these.
I'm saying, it's just very interesting.
Butler PA rally.
Weather in Butler.
How do I shoot Trump at Butler rally?
How do I act alone and commit an assassination?
Like, that's coming.
They're going to start releasing those soon.
How do I act alone?
How do I pull off assassination with zero accomplices?
I wish I knew someone in FBI, but I don't.
Search that.
Search for someone.
I don't know, but now we're getting dribbled out
this information about, what's his name,
Thomas Matthew Crooks?
And what do I call him?
Matthew David Crooks?
Yeah.
What's that called?
When you have two versions of something,
it's like the...
Like a doppelganger?
No, the Berenstain Bears and the Berenstain Bears.
Oh, Mandela, right?
The Mandela effect.
It's a little Mandela effect for the end of summer.
You stop.
Someone will use that video and for a few years
they'll be like, it's the Mandela effect.
It was actually Matthew David Crooks.
You're going to know Tim Dillon's an idiot.
It had nothing to do with that.
We don't know much about his parents.
They're overweight.
We saw them walking out of a Costco.
Get that up, Matthew.
Fuck, Thomas.
Whatever his name is.
Thomas David Crooks' parents walking out of Costco.
They had a full wagon
and they were coming out of Costco.
It is funny
when a few weeks after your son
tries to kill the president,
you are in Costco.
Like, you don't get a friend to do it.
You yourself go to Costco.
You're just walking around Costco
like you've done every week
or every couple of weeks or month
looking at them, it looks like every week.
And you're walking around Costco
and your son just tried to kill the president.
And you don't say to a friend like,
hey, by the way,
could you get something for me at Costco?
I kind of don't want to leave the house.
Let's see these people
walking out with a full wagon from Costco.
We released a statement
when our legal counsel
advises us to do so.
He made the brief remarks
walking to his car with groceries,
his first appearance in public
since the attack.
His son, 20-year-old Thomas Matthew Crooks,
was killed by a sniper,
Secret Service bullet,
after opening fire at that Trump rally.
He hit the former president in the year.
It's a full wagon they got.
I mean, that's a full wagon.
They got some Gatorade.
I don't see what else they got.
If I could guess, can I guess?
Orange Crush.
There's Orange Crush down here, too.
Yeah, I see that.
I'm guessing some microwavable pancakes.
The little silver dollar ones.
I'm guessing some...
You don't want to cook
after your son's done this, right?
Like, you're not smashing garlic on the...
This is a...
You know what I mean?
Like, this is a processed food run.
You're heating stuff up.
There's no way you're chopping an onion
after your son has just tried
to shoot the president in the head.
I would imagine you are heating things up.
Some mini taquitos and the like.
This would be my guess.
You go home.
You're not concerned about sodium intake
at that point, right?
Your only kid tries to shoot the president.
It's not like you're like,
let's get healthy.
What's the sodium in this broccoli cheddar soup?
I don't think that's the move,
but I don't know.
Now, is that his wife?
Who's that?
What fed FBI agent is taking him to Costco?
Was that the deal they made?
They go, we'll take you to Costco?
Who is that?
I think it's an undescript,
non-determined family member.
Do we know if this kid had brothers or sisters?
He might have been an only child.
No one knows anything.
It's just odd to me that no one's really,
there's nothing, nobody cares.
Nobody cares.
It's already gone.
I'm just interested.
It's a human interest story.
At the very least, can you give me that?
It's a human interest story.
I mean, you'll always remember this summer
if you're that father.
2024, the summer of 2024?
You're always going to remember that.
That's the summer my son tried to kill the president
and then we went to Costco.
We rolled into Costco.
Matthew Crooks, a 52-year-old dad,
recently hired a pair of powerhouse attorneys
to represent him and his wife.
So it's just him, only child, yeah.
An anonymous loved one, go up.
An anonymous loved one of the elder Crooks
told the mail that the FBI still very much
has questions about how much he knew
about his son's plan to assassinate
the former president.
Interesting.
Well, Thomas Matthew Crooks' body
has been cremated, I believe.
They didn't do any toxicology.
I believe he is gone.
Well, we'll just keep you updated
on that non-story.
I don't know.
It's interesting.
That's a full wagon.
That's a full wagon after your son
tried to whack the president.
That's all.
I get it.
Couple of Jimmy Dean.
Well, they don't sell, I mean,
Costco's just got, is it all Kirkland brand?
Or can you get a Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich there?
Can you get a Jimmy Dean sandwich and heat it?
Depending on the season, yeah.
You get a Jimmy Dean sandwich in there,
nice Jimmy Dean maple sausage egg and cheese?
Are you scrambling eggs after your son
tried to kill the president?
Trying to get them nice and fluffy?
I'm curious.
If I had one kid and he tried to kill the president
and then just got shot in the head
by the Secret Service,
I don't know if I could, like,
whisk the egg.
This guy seems kind of fine.
I don't know if I'd be at Costco.
I don't know if I'd be whisking the egg.
Why can't whoever this person is
just do it for him?
I don't know.
I'm asking, where are family values?
That's where.
Pavel Durov, the leader of the Telegram app,
they jailed him,
and now Mark Zuckerberg,
from whatever bomb shelter compound he's built,
is speaking out,
going, we are sorry we censored the Biden laptop story.
We are sorry we censored COVID information.
We are sorry we kicked everybody off.
I am sorry for what I have done.
Zuckerberg and a lot of tech people
seem to be kind of trying to cozy up to the right.
They need nuclear power.
They need, they do,
they need nuclear energy to run all these data farms.
Data's more important than oil.
I was talking to a friend about this.
Everybody wants to get in good.
They also want, you know,
they don't want the government going after them
for monopolies and da-da-da-da-da.
But the nuclear power data center is a big deal.
They want the green light from the government
so that they,
because all, the only thing that's valuable now
is whatever you've typed into Google
and everything you do on your phone
and everything about you,
your data is now stored in some facility in North Carolina.
And it's very hot.
Generates a lot of heat.
Look at how much energy it takes to mine Bitcoin.
We think of tech people as like green energy types.
We don't, we do that for no reason really.
I mean, sure, they're not drilling per se,
but their products use as much energy
or they're going to use a lot more energy too
as things get bigger and bigger
and they store more and more information.
So, Mark Zuckerberg's out there apologizing and going,
hey, I'm sorry, didn't mean to.
If you remember, Biden's son had that laptop.
He had all these photos and videos
of everything he'd ever done.
Guns to the hooker's head, amateur porn, whatever.
It's all on the laptop.
He brings it to some place to get it fixed.
Again, at that point, the vice president's son
brings it to somewhere, it gets fixed,
and then it gets leaked.
His laptop ends up,
they end up leaking the contents of the laptop.
Then, under pressure from the Biden administration
and the CIA,
which the intelligence agencies all signed something
saying that the laptop story was Russian disinformation
and should not be reported.
So, what di