Name: Florida Hurricanes & Rich Nothings | The Tim Dillon Show #411
Uploaded: 2024-09-28T16:00:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Florida Hurricanes & Rich Nothings | The Tim Dillon Show #411' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Florida Hurricanes & Rich Nothings | The Tim Dillon Show #411' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-28. Transcript available.

Florida Hurricanes & Rich Nothings | The Tim Dillon Show #411

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
I have an inflamed taste bud, a few of them on the tip of my tongue,
and that is unfortunate.
And I am healing them with cold beverages and food.
Of course, I have a coffee here, which is not helping.
Other people go through things that are far worse than I have gone through,
and I know that. I'm aware of that.
That doesn't mean what I'm feeling is illegitimate or invalid.
I want to thank you to the pallbearer at my grandmother's funeral
who sent this email.
Not sure if you will read this, but I work part-time for the funeral home
that helped out with your family member yesterday.
I'm assuming it was your grandmother or great-aunt.
It was my wife!
I was the younger, bald guy who was at the church with you guys.
No one remembers you.
Well, you're all bald guys at the funeral.
I'm not trying to be offensive.
Anyway, I knew it would be in bad taste to say hello to you during the funeral.
In fact, it would not have.
It actually would have been great.
And take this, and just in case you see Andrew Schultz at a funeral sometime,
say hello to us!
Had you come up to me and said I'm a huge fan or big fan quietly,
it would have been nice.
It would have been very nice because it was a very painful time for my family.
Had you said it loudly in front of several members of the family,
it would have been even better.
Had you said, you've changed my life, sir!
And I would have said thank you.
And I, of course, would have had to say it's inappropriate right now.
But I wouldn't have meant it.
Excited for the new show.
What show is that?
This Is Your Country premiering on Netflix Tuesday, October 1st.
I want to be number one or two.
Love Island might get us, though.
Not Love Island.
What is it?
The other one.
The other one.
The other.
Love is Blind.
They're releasing on the same day we are.
God damn it, Love is Blind.
It's a big show, Love is Blind.
But our show will be on Netflix Monday night, Tuesday morning,
depending on where you live, October 1st.
We are going to do a live watch party at the Hollywood Improv.
We're selling tickets to that.
The link is probably up at the time of this release, Tuesday night.
If you want to see it, we're going to do a little stand-up.
A couple of special guests.
And then we're going to do a live watch party for the new show,
which we are very, very excited about.
And we hope you are, too.
I want to extend my, yes, give them, make sure they see the art.
I want to extend my condolences to everybody on the west coast of Florida.
They are great comedy fans.
I've been down there many times.
I love that area.
And they're really going through it right now because of Hurricane Helene.
Look at the scenes out of Florida.
I mean, it is, it is.
Florida is like California.
When the weather gets bad, it's apocalyptic.
And there's nothing you can really do except sit in your house and watch it get
destroyed.
I mean, look at that.
Look at that.
All those people heading to side splitters in Tampa to go see me perform.
All those people heading to see me call Meghan Markle a cunt at side splitters
in Tampa.
I hope everybody's okay.
It is apocalyptic weather in Florida.
That's the thing.
That's the trade-off.
If you want to live in paradise, it might.
Here we go.
Here it is.
There we go.
There's Florida.
There it is.
There it is.
There we go.
It's fun.
The thing about the west coast of Florida, it's very tropical.
It's like you're living in an island paradise.
It's hard to live there if you want to do anything or have anything to do.
It's difficult.
It's not conducive to that.
It's about drinking and kind of boating and waiting to be killed by a storm.
That is what the west coast of Florida is.
The east coast of Florida has appropriated the energy of New York.
So you have Miami and Palm Beach and Boca and it's very the people are industrious
and everybody's trying to make something happen and they're kind of trying to
wheeling and dealing and, you know, and it's kind of it's kind of has a
similarity to New York.
The west coast of Florida is just kind of like, right, it's dog swimming and it's
like, you know, people just what is that a hurricane dog?
What the hell's that?
A boat rescued.
Well, who's being rescued?
The dog.
The dog is being rescued?
And his owner.
And his owner.
Oh, interesting.
Well, that's nice.
Get off the boat.
This is the thing with Florida.
People do not want, they have this weird thing when there's going to be a
hurricane down there.
They're like, fuck it.
And they stay.
And then many of them have to get rescued on a boat.
It's a category for hurricane.
You know, it's coming.
And by the way, this whole thing, oh, somebody just flew through the eye of a
hurricane in a private jet.
Number one, they're flying above it.
So it doesn't matter.
They're 48,000 feet.
It's not a big deal.
All you fucking pussies on fucking acts are like, oh, it's so good.
It's so tough.
It's not a hurricane hunter.
They're not flying through the eye of the storm, you retards.
They're flying at 48,000 feet, okay?
Above the weather.
That's the point of flight if you're all confused.
I can't believe somebody flew through a hurricane.
They're flying above it.
It's above it.
It's above it.
But it is difficult.
Now, the thing is, after a hurricane, because by the way, we had Hurricane
Sandy in Long Island.
And Long Island is, these are the worst people in the world.
And, you know, unfortunately, many of their homes were destroyed, including
members of my own family and friends.
And then they then spent years rebuilding these homes and making them somehow
more grotesque.
And they raised a lot of them up.
And everything that they couldn't accomplish in their lives, they used
Hurricane Sandy as an excuse.
It's actually a great excuse.
A natural disaster is great.
And there's years from now, someone will be sitting at a bar in Tampa talking
about Hurricane Helene,
ruining their chance at being, I don't know, orthodontist or whatever the hell
they are trying to do.
But none of it will have any, it will not be true.
It will be a lie.
It will be a lie.
But it will be a good lie.
And the only difference, really, between a bad lie and a good lie is that a bad
lie, everyone knows you're lying either way.
But the bad lies, it's immediate and it's immediately disprovable.
A good lie, people just have to kind of sit with it for a minute.
And they can't really, they kind of know, you kind of know you're lying.
But what are they going to really do about it?
That's what a good lie, a good lie is like, what are they going to do?
And when you say, I was, I had it all, it was all happening, except Hurricane
Helene.
You know, somebody's going to have to sit at a bar in Tampa and go, wow, I'm so,
I'm so sorry about that.
That sounds terrible.
The whole house was flooded.
Black mold, he'll say.
Black mold.
My grandmother died.
Black mold.
She goes, oh, really?
Only like six people died.
My grandmother was one of them.
Her house was full of water and she drowned with her cat.
So, of course, I went and rebuilt the house in her honor and I couldn't finish
school and I ended up on drugs, you know, or whatever.
Because this is what, this is what a Category 4 storm allows you to do.
It allows you to then say, here's why my life is a mess.
Here's why I'm a complete mess.
I've accomplished nothing.
I am a thief.
I'm a petty thief.
Well, yeah, of course I'm doing a petty theft.
Because of Hurricane Helene, you ever seen your parents gasping for their last
breaths in their living room as it's flooded?
That's why I do petty theft.
That's why I steal things from H&M.
Because of Hurricane Helene.
That's why I steal stuff from H&M.
But this is what they'll do.
It's Florida.
This is the point.
This is the get out of jail free card or get into jail free.
Let's be honest.
Florida will use that.
They will use it as they should.
Because older people in Florida make a hell, they make a lot of sense.
I'm 39.
As you get older, I'm about 10 years away.
50 makes a little bit of sense if you've checked out.
60 and 70.
Anything from 65 on makes a lot of sense in Florida.
Young people in Florida are disturbing.
There's something wrong with young people in Florida, especially the west coast
of Florida.
Their eyes are a little close together.
There's something off.
I'm just saying it's true.
Many of them were very fat and now they're very thin and now they're very fat
again.
They oscillate.
And I don't mean like 20 pounds.
I mean, and then thin and then big like a puffer fish.
Something is wrong with young people in that part of the world.
You're not supposed to be 22 living in a retirement community on the west coast
of Florida.
Florida young people exist for one reason and for one reason only and that is
to die.
That is every young person in Florida is supposed to die tragically and quickly.
It's supposed to be a terrible thing.
And when they discuss you, they say that.
They go, terrible story.
Terrible thing happened.
Well, there were kids.
There were kids at the high school and they got on the pickup truck and there
was one of them that was kind of, yeah.
And they were pulling him in a shopping cart.
Well, here's what happened to him.
It's always a nightmare.
It's always like, it's always something you didn't even know could happen to
someone.
You don't even know.
And he was skinned alive and he was still running as a skeleton before.
I mean, it's always like a final destination horror movie.
What happens to young people in Florida?
And the right, yeah, there's no escaping bizarre causes of death in Florida.
The Sunshine State is the lightning strike capital and the shark bite capital.
We have hurricanes, tornadoes, sinkholes, rabid raccoons.
I mean, the whole thing's a nightmare.
And also, here's what they're forgetting.
By the way, I love the like Orlando Sentinel trying to like make it all seem
natural.
What about the meth?
I went and I looked at a condo in Miami the other day.
It was by this bridge.
This bridge, I forget the name.
It's on Alton Road.
This is the bridge.
And I said it when I went to look at the condo.
I said, is this the bridge where the guy on bath salts ate the other guy's face?
And, and, and, and, and the realtor had to say, it was, it was, yeah, right.
This is the bridge.
There it is.
What is that?
The Biscayne bridge?
What is it?
Well, anyway, one guy ate another guy's face on bath salts.
And, yeah, he was a zombie.
He was eating another guy.
What I mean to say is that we wish everyone in Florida well, and we hope that
they recover from this.
Yet, this is the thing.
I mean, you got to take the good with the bad with Florida.
I mean, Florida is the end.
It is a, it is the place you go to leave this physical universe.
And it's a, it's a portal.
Watched in horror.
Florida man arrested after a diver was fatally entangled in boat propeller.
This is the type of stuff that happens.
And we're not trying to make light of it, but it, this is, it's tough down
there.
That's why you got to get in and get out if you're smart.
If you're smart in Florida, you get in and you get out.
Now, I love Florida.
I could live in Florida.
I could be that guy.
I could descend.
I could do it.
I could live in the Florida Keys.
I could do all of that stuff.
But the reason that I can't is because I know that I will just end up like
being a, I don't
know, strangled to death by a Python at a Wawa.
It won't even be dignified.
It won't even be cool.
It'll be like the worst of all worlds.
A family claims that a Florida doctor removed the wrong organ during an
operation.
This is recent.
Yeah.
So you got to take the good with the bad down there is all I'm saying.
But if you, like Rahm Emanuel said, never let a good crisis go to waste.
Never let a good hurricane go to waste.
You are now absolved.
Like when you go to church and the priest absolves you, you are absolved.
Quit your job.
Get a bunch of government benefits and take some time to find yourself.
And we know how that works in Florida