Name: Pizza Hut & Birkin Bags | The Tim Dillon Show #415
Uploaded: 2024-11-02T16:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pizza Hut & Birkin Bags | The Tim Dillon Show #415' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pizza Hut & Birkin Bags | The Tim Dillon Show #415' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-02. Transcript available.

Pizza Hut & Birkin Bags | The Tim Dillon Show #415

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
Drug overdoses are down nationally
and officials are wondering what's working.
People cannot afford drugs.
It's actually terrible.
This is actually an indication
of how terrible the economy is.
People cannot afford the quantities of drugs
needed to overdose.
They have fallen.
Overdose deaths have fallen for six months straight.
Turn me down a little bit.
I'm a little loud in my headphones.
Okay, turn me up a little.
Find a balance, perfect.
I'll tell you right now,
this is not a good indication of the economy.
A good economy, people have enough money
to buy enough fentanyl to check out.
If you are sitting there and you can barely OD,
if you can barely check out because you've got nothing,
coast to coast, major U.S. cities are seeing measurable drops
in drug overdose deaths.
Public health officials welcome the news
despite an inability to fully explain the decrease.
Nobody has any money.
drug overdose deaths fell 12.7%.
This is the largest recorded reduction in overdose death.
It's because people don't have any money.
They don't have any disposable income.
They're strapped.
They're shot.
They're fucked.
If I was running for president right now,
I would say my main goal is to get people enough money
to overdose in this country the way they were.
Enough money to die on the street the way they were
when things were good.
This photo of me and my godson is being shared around social media,
and it's actually beautiful.
This is me and my godson after I bought him a,
what is that, a Kalishnikov?
Kalishnikov.
Is that what it is?
Yep.
You got it.
Yeah.
I'm always correct.
That is Yaya Sinwar.
That is actually not me.
Yaya Sinwar, who has died.
Is the war over?
Is the war over now?
Does the war end?
Does the war end?
Will the war end?
Can the war end?
Can it end?
Will it end?
What's going on with Iran?
I think maybe that's the next phase of the war is Iran.
Iran says it's planning to hold first joint military drills
with Saudis in the Red Sea.
Riyadh has not confirmed it will join the exercises.
Saudis are not going to help Iran.
That's not going to work, Iran.
Go to Russia.
Go to China.
The Saudis are not going to help.
I don't know what is going to happen.
Saudis and Iran have long been rivals in the region
who have long backed opposing sides in conflict zones.
Severed diplomatic ties in 2016.
However, Shiite Muslim dominated Iran and Sunni majority.
Saudi Arabia resumed relations last year under a surprise China broker deal.
Another example of China playing a constructive role in world affairs.
China, everybody.
All we hear is how bad China is.
They're going to kill everybody.
And China's making peace deals.
Whereas we either don't have an interest or can't.
China's out there building schools in Africa and getting these people to go.
I'm sure China has their negatives.
We all have our negatives, don't we?
Don't we all have our negatives?
Don't the best people have a dark side?
China has a dark side.
China has a dark side.
But it doesn't matter when you see them do something good.
When China does something good, we should say, good for you, China.
Thank you, China.
Thank you, China.
We shouldn't always be focusing on the internment camps they put those Uyghurs
in or whatever.
That's always negative.
I don't like that.
It's like when your friend marries a girl and you bring up that she was a big
whore or something.
It's like, enough.
People change and grow.
I think they're still in those internment camps.
I don't really know.
It's not my business.
Pizza Hut offers to print resumes on boxes and deliver to employers.
I like this.
We know Pizza Hut.
We love Pizza Hut.
We're not going to play the video we made about Pizza Hut because we were
almost sued by the good people at Yum Brands.
But Pizza Hut aims to support your job search with the launch of Res Z Ames, a
pizza box that doubles as a resume.
Now, if you want bleaker news than this, I cannot help you.
This is the bleakest article of all the articles.
We have articles about airstrikes burning people alive.
We have articles about couples killing each other.
We have articles about all the things they're doing in Florida.
And yet, nothing, nothing is as bleak as this article where Pizza Hut is trying
to help people get work.
Okay?
Listen to this.
Today, Pizza Hut is launching Res Z Ames.
Resumes.
Wait.
It's like a pun.
Like resumes.
Resumes.
Oh, okay.
Oh, sorry.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Resumes.
Yeah, I was like, what is that?
Okay, res, but they're not spelling it.
Okay.
Gotcha.
I, I, okay.
There's no way anyone participating in this program is pronouncing it correctly.
They're all pronouncing it like I am.
Today, Pizza Hut is launching Resumes, a new offering aimed to help
professionals stand out in today's competitive job market by delivering their
resumes to prospective employers in a way that is sure to turn heads via Pizza
Hut's iconic pizza boxes.
75% of resumes are never read, but an office pizza is hard to ignore amid the
time of year coin September surge where there is a notable increase in job
opportunities across industries at the start of quarter four.
Pizza Hut is leveraging what it does best, deliver hot, ready-to-eat pizza to
help job seekers grab the attention of employers and deliciously differentiate
themselves in a crowded job market.
Can you imagine if this is your Hail Mary?
Can you imagine if this is it?
Can you, let me tell you how bad it is.
You have a chair, you have a rope, and the rope is already tied to the beam.
You have tested the beam and you know it can hold your weight.
You are sitting there and you are saying, fuck it, one last shot, one last Hail
Mary to land a fucking job.
I'm going to send a greasy, disgusting Pizza Hut pizza with my hot resume in it.
The resume is going to come out hot, smelling like garlic, probably smudged,
like the ink is going to be all smudged, okay?
This is the bleakest thing I maybe have ever read on this show.
And all I've done for the last eight years is read the bleakest, worst news,
you know, throw the baby in a volcano, whatever else everyone's doing out there.
Resumes allows job applicants in the toughest job market, New York City, to
stand out like never before.
I mean, can you imagine this?
This piping hot resume will be almost impossible to ignore.
We know finding a job can be daunting, especially during this key hiring season.
So we wanted to lend a hand to our job-seeking customers.
So Pizza Hut is struggling so much as a brand that this is how bad they are
doing, by the way.
This should not be over, you know, like we cannot overstate how terrible Pizza
Hut is doing.
That this crack scheme, okay, to deliver resumes to companies by combining
Pizza Hut's iconic pizza boxes with job seekers' resumes,
we are hoping to help resumes trump up the same excitement as office pizza and
help applicants make...
First of all, do you even get a pizza?
Here, let's find out.
Do you even get a goddamn...
Because, by the way, if you delivered something that wasn't a pizza with a
resume in it, I mean, I would...
That's like you would go insane.
And now they're out of it.
We just clicked on it and they're out of it.
Oh, man.
No, so they must have been selling...
I'll check on it next.
Can you imagine we got John's name in a pizza box five years ago and now he's
the CFO of this company?
John delivered his resume to us in a pizza box right before hanging himself.
He was standing on the chair when we called him.
I mean, this is the worst...
I've never heard of a worse idea.
Oh, yeah, it came with a pizza.
Yep, there you go.
Here you go.
Can you imagine someone chewing when they call you and tell you they're not
interested, by the way?
Someone who caught, like, they're chewing and they go, by the way, we're not
really looking for anyone at this time, but thank you for the pizza, you dunce.
Thanks for the pizza, you loser.
You complete zero.
Thanks for this hot, delicious pizza, we do not need you.
We're not interested at this time.
We're not in the market for you, scum.
But thanks for this pizza.
Who pays for the pizza?
The unemployed loser?
Yeah.
So, the unemployed loser has to pay for the pizza given to the corporation that
doesn't want him.
So, you're bribing a corporation by sending them a pizza they don't even want
you.
You're not even going to hear.
You're just going to send pizzas all around New York and no one's even going to...
It's never going to work.
This doesn't work.
This is not a movie.
This is like that movie when Richard Gere and Julia Roberts, you know, Pretty
Woman, oh, the hooker is so clean cut and sweet and the business guy.
It doesn't work.
This is like a 90s movie.
It's an early 2000s rom-com where you deliver a pizza and you get a job.
That's not what happens.
Some fat secretary is going to eat the pizza.
Your resume is going in the trash.
This isn't it.
Stop thinking like everything's this whimsical way it's going to happen.
It's not a whimsical thing, this world.
When I grew up, everybody believed everything was whimsy and whimsical.
I'm going to propose.
I'm going to put the ring in the cake and my girlfriend's going to notice it.
She's going to take a bite of the cake.
It's whimsical.
It's imprinted on our minds because we've watched so many movies where we go,
you know what?
I just need to do something unique and fun and silly to make me stand out.
It's not a bad job market.
I'm just not creative enough.
What if I sent him a griddle with my resume as the wrapping around it?
Then I'd get a job.
That's not the way it works.
That's not going to help you.
You have to figure out something.
I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news here.
You're going to have to figure out something else.
You're not going to fast food trick your way into employment.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sending a box of Raising Cane's over to the local bank and maybe they need a
teller is not going to work.
Sorry, guys.
I spelled my name in French fries.
I would like to meet the one.
And who is this?
If this, by the way, if this has worked for one person, I will give you $1,000.
If this has worked, if you can prove to me, Tim Dillon, I don't even know, what's
the email?
Are we just going to get spam emails if we give the email out?
Yeah, we shouldn't.
Well, we could.
I mean, it's a fit.
I don't, I, yeah, but it's just, there's going to be a thousand email.
Like, if you can prove this works, I'll give you $1,000 and I'll interview you
on the show.
But it's not, it's not going to ever work.
If this has worked for one person, I'll give you $1,000.
If you can prove that sending a pizza with your resume on it got you the job, I
will give you $1,000.
Where should they hit us up?
TD Show Ops.
Is that, okay.
Yeah.
TD Show Ops at Gmail.
Yep.
T-D-S-H-O-W-O-P-S at Gmail.
Yep.
But don't waste our time.
And I know you're going to send a bunch of shit.
That's fine.
I don't care.
But if you want $1,000, you have to prove this worked for you.
$1,000.
This is not any type of, we're going to investigate.
Now, you might not even want us to, because you might not want the company to
know you listen to this show, depending on where you work.
I don't know.
But we are going to investigate with pizza, with the company, with you.
And if this works, and everyone's proud of it, I'm going to give you $1,000.
You will get $1,000.
But this has not worked.
Why is everyone hating on this Yaya Sinwar's wife?
She's got a $32,000 Birkin bag.
I think it's nice.
Show the Birk.
She's got a nice Birk.
Is that the ostrich?
Birkins go way up, by the way.
$32,000 is not even the highest end.
You know, there are Birkin bags for $80,000, $90,000.
Rare Birkins can go up.
$32,000 is a mid-level Birkin.
If that, yeah.
Maybe entry level.
Entry level is probably about $19,000 or $20,000.
But $32,000 is not.
I mean, it looks very much like a basic black Birkin in the Hamas tunnel.
I'm not super impressed.
But by the way,
why shouldn't, here's a great question.
By the way, here's a moral question.
Why 