Name: Trump's Cabinet | The Tim Dillon Show #417
Uploaded: 2024-11-16T17:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Trump's Cabinet | The Tim Dillon Show #417' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Trump's Cabinet | The Tim Dillon Show #417' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-16. Transcript available.

Trump's Cabinet | The Tim Dillon Show #417

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
Again, from a studio in Miami.
The very kind people here.
We do pay for it.
So, I mean, it's not super kind, of course.
You know, we are doing the right thing by them financially.
But we are happy to be here.
We've been down.
I've been down in Florida for a few weeks in Palm Beach.
Just kind of hanging out.
Because it is a moment in history that I don't think we fully appreciate.
I don't think anybody fully appreciates what's happening.
This is, you know.
And you don't have to like it to appreciate it.
That's the other thing.
You don't have to like it.
You might be terrified of it.
You might be scared of it.
You know, I'm just saying to observe, which is what I do.
I'm not, people are like, are you there to become part of the, yeah, that's
what I'm doing.
I'm the secretary of education now.
No.
I'm there to have dinner and have coffee and observe and hang out and chat and
see what's going on.
I find it all very interesting.
It's fascinating.
And so should you.
Everybody whining and yelling and going, this is the end of America.
But isn't that a thing at least?
Shouldn't you be excited about that?
I mean, think about it.
Let's say it is.
I'm not saying it is.
I don't think it is.
But let's say it is the end of America.
It is, at the very least, interesting to watch it happen.
I don't believe it is.
But for the people that believe it is, and they're like, we're tuning out.
Wait, why?
I, I understand they're depressed and I get it.
But if it is all the things that you think it is, you got to, you got to key in.
You got to, you got to, you got to appreciate what is happening.
Armie Hammer is the Secretary of the Interior.
And I don't know if I love that.
But I'm not questioning the things.
Tulsi Gabbard is now the Director of National Intelligence.
Find the message from a few years ago where Tulsi Gabbard asked to get on my
podcast and then respond to her right now.
Go, hi, hi, hon, just saw this now.
Just respond to Tulsi.
Go, hey, hon, sorry, just saw this now.
Love the book.
Anyway, I got a couple of names for her.
She's the Director of National Intelligence.
Oh, I got a couple of names.
And I'm not saying they're doing the wrong thing.
I'm just saying let's look into it.
I have a couple of names.
Call me Tulsi.
I've got a couple of names.
That's all.
Couple of names.
But we should have had her on, maybe.
What, do you have it?
Whoever ran your social media two years ago wrote back there.
They said, hi, Tulsi, this is blank.
I'm helping Tim with his social media.
I'll let him know now you reached out.
Did that person tell you Tulsi reached out?
No, and that person is on the list.
That's one of the names.
The person who was trying to build my social media, which was fake.
Like your friends that we hired who were fake.
They're all fake, these social media people.
No one can make you famous, by the way.
Anyone spending money on people trying to make you famous?
Ain't nobody going to make you famous.
They're going to steal your money.
That's all they're going to do.
I'm telling you right now, they're going to steal your money.
All you kids out there with dreams of being famous,
you don't want to walk into Geico.
You don't want to process the accident report.
You don't want to, I get it.
You want to live a different life.
You want to get, you know, I get it.
I know what you want to do.
I feel you.
I'm not judging you, but just know that there's nobody out there
that's going to make you famous.
It's not going to happen.
They are vultures.
They are there to pick the flesh off your bones before it's even rotted.
That is all they are there to do.
They don't understand the algorithm.
No one understands the algorithm.
That's the point of the algorithm, by the way,
is that it keeps fucking you up.
It keeps going left, going right.
And there are people that claim to understand.
It's like religion.
These people are going, no, no, no, no.
I speak for God.
Donate to me.
Give me the money.
I speak for the Lord.
You want to go to God?
You talk to me.
All of these people that are coming and telling you
that they have this understanding of the algorithm
that's going to elevate your content and make you famous,
that's not true.
The only thing that's going to make you famous
is a compulsive desire to post content
to a point where people, they just get worn down by it.
They have to accept it.
That you break them down.
It's the way.
If you want to be famous,
go read a book about how the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay
were tortured.
They would break them down.
They broke them down.
And that's what you're going to have to do to your audience.
You break them down to the point where they start to lose it
and they accept you as some kind of Christ-like messiah figure
because you've posted 10,000 videos of you eating sausage rolls
in your car in a McDonald's parking lot.
They just can't stop watching.
People have to hate you now to love you.
The Costco guys are a perfect example of it.
The goal is to be cringe.
The goal is to have people vomit when you post something.
They should vomit.
They should question their life.
The Costco guys were on The Tonight Show.
It works.
But the vultures and the people that claim to have knowledge
of how that all happens is completely unjust.
Nobody told the Costco guy that he was going to get famous
going double chocolate cookie.
Nobody understands why any of it's happening.
It's all random.
So anybody that you are paying or you're giving a percentage of your money to
who claims to be some Spengali, who claims to know,
who claims to be a wise seer of truths, nobody knows.
You got a hot two on that thing.
Boom.
Famous.
It's just what it is.
Accept what it is.
And I'm not, I don't, and I also don't hate the scam.
I got scammed fair and square.
I lost money fair and square.
There's nothing wrong with that.
I got beat.
There's nothing wrong with getting beat.
I got beat by some Persian Jews in Beverly Hills.
And by the way, that's the way it should be.
That's the way it should be.
You should get beat by Persian Jews in Beverly Hills.
That's a good way to get beat.
My whole life I wanted to get beat like that.
Finally, I got beat at a high level in the top zip code in the country,
90210.
No, I got beat.
I sat there like a fool and they said, we know the secret.
And I go, well, I believe you.
And I got beat.
That's all it is.
Nothing wrong with it.
It's all right.
You're not going to avoid it.
Just know what's happening and try to limit who beats you and how.
So just there should be nothing more clear in this landscape of the internet
that no one knows anything.
That should be the golden rule right now.
Nobody knows anything.
It is a completely random circus that you may or may not plug into or be a part
of.
But there is no expert that is going to tell you how to be the Rizzler.
That just doesn't happen.
You're either the Rizzler or you're not.
Now, Armie Hammer, good friend of ours, friend of the show, friend of the show,
Armie Hammer, is doing a podcast now with his mother.
You know, Armie Hammer obviously was a very successful actor and he's had some
problems
because, you know, people claimed he was a cannibal or might not have been a
cannibal.
But he had a fetish.
He had a kink.
His defense, I think, is that he was having a little fun telling women that he
wanted to eat their heart
and eat them or drink their blood.
Fun kind of kinky.
It's what a guy like Armie Hammer eventually gets into, a guy that looks like
Armie Hammer.
Sex isn't enough.
I think he's had enough sex.
He's a hot guy.
He was rich.
He was famous.
He's had enough sex.
There's nothing that holds, like, he's not standing at a bar going,
I wonder if any of these women will fuck me.
That's over for him.
He's going, will any of these women let me eat their kidney?
Because that's what I need to come at this point in my life.
Now, his claim is that it's all fake.
That it's not true.
That it's a kink.
That he's doing it basically because it gets him off.
So we don't want to kink shame him.
Of course, we take a stand against cannibalism on the show and always have.
Except for very specific instances where native cultures, indigenous cultures
practice cannibalism.
Because it's not my business.
And that's the new world, by the way.
We're heading back to this isolationist 1900s foreign policy of, like,
I don't judge the cannibals on the island I can't pronounce the name of.
It doesn't matter.
But Armie Hammer, who's in our society, who's playing by the rules of our
society.
So now he's doing a podcast with his mother because he's trying to come back.
And can we play some of this?
Because it is.
Yeah, he's trying to get heat.
I root for him.
He wants this.
Armie wants this.
And let's say, and you know Armie's talking to these Persians, too.
They're going, we'll help you.
Oh, Armie, we'll help you.
It's okay.
What did you say?
You wanted to eat a woman's liver?
Don't worry about it.
We'll get you.
Armie, it's all the algorithm.
You've got to get plugged into the algorithm.
You're a good-looking cannibal.
You're doing a podcast with your mother.
We got the brand deals.
We got the deals, Armie.
Put it on the desk.
Why don't you drink Celsius water?
Drink gulps of Celsius water in between telling your mother you want to eat
women.
Let's see Armie Hammer here.
For a while.
Yes.
Because I said, I don't need a pastor.
I need a mom.
You're called to be an actor.
I'm called to be an evangelist.
Beautiful.
And that is my calling.
I brought you into this world.
I'm responsible for your well-being.
And when I come in your apartment, if you can call it that,
and there is a table with Hindu gods and meditation things and demonic pagan
gods,
I struggle with that.
God gave me my two sons as a gift.
And you are the only family member out of all of Doug Mobley's relatives
that don't believe in the one true God.
And I know you will because he's the truth.
Here's the problem with the internet.
This is already better than The Sopranos, which was the greatest show that's
ever made.
The Sopranos, in my estimation, is the greatest show that's ever made.
This podcast clip is already better than The Sopranos.
Armie Hammer's mother is a Christian evangelist.
She's yelling at him for having Hindu pagan gods on the table of his apartment,
which she insults him for having an apartment that is small.
She may have missed the news where he lost his entire career