Name: Post-Thanksgiving Extravaganza | The Tim Dillon Show #419
Uploaded: 2024-11-30T17:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Post-Thanksgiving Extravaganza | The Tim Dillon Show #419' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Post-Thanksgiving Extravaganza | The Tim Dillon Show #419' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-30. Transcript available.

Post-Thanksgiving Extravaganza | The Tim Dillon Show #419

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
Post-Thanksgiving extravaganza,
I hope you and your family had a nice time.
I do. I do.
We kid around a lot on this show,
and we talk about some very dark things.
But I hope you and your family had a good time at Thanksgiving.
Because you know what most families are doing right now
instead of having Thanksgiving?
And I'm actually a little disturbed by this.
Most families, they're doing away with the turkey,
and they're just having sex with each other.
Most families in this country are having sex with each other.
Is that right? Is that nice?
I don't think it is.
Most families are meeting up to have an orgy
instead of Thanksgiving dinner
where you would have a sweet potato.
Something like that.
They're meeting up to have sex in the living room
for hours.
For hours!
With each other!
That's incest.
It's pedophilia.
There's other philia's.
There's other philia's.
So I'm just saying,
to those of you who are celebrating the old-fashioned way
by eating a meal with your family
and not fucking them in the living room!
And it's not just,
oh, it's a different lifestyle.
Don't judge our holiday tradition.
That's what one of my friends said.
I said,
what do you and your family do?
He goes,
we all have sex.
I go,
that's sick.
He goes,
don't judge our holiday tradition.
Can you believe that?
He said that.
Don't judge our holiday tradition.
I like having sex with my own mother
on Thanksgiving
in front of my brother.
We take turns on our mother.
All right, anyway.
Let's talk about tariffs.
By the way,
I excused myself
for my own Thanksgiving.
I left.
And I'm not going to do a whole thing
where I go into it,
but I'm just going to give you the cliff notes
because you do listen to the program
and they were insulting you.
They actually attacked the listeners of this show.
And listen,
here's the thing.
I understand people are upset
about the outcome of the election.
That is complete.
You are within your rights to be upset.
You are within your rights
to be worried or nervous
or apprehensive
about what's coming down the pike.
There are things that I may not agree with.
I don't agree with anybody all the time.
So I'm just handling things like an adult.
I'm an adult.
And I don't think that
Donald Trump is going to destroy
the country.
But if he does,
I will move to Tuscany.
I've said that before.
I've said I'll go to Tuscany.
People think they corner me.
They're like,
what if he ruins the whole country?
I go,
I already want to go to Tuscany
even if it's fine.
I kind of am getting excited about Tuscany.
Have you gone on Instagram
and seen Tuscany
where you have the pool
and it's the Green Hills?
Now,
so the point is,
my father's wife,
they're very liberal people.
And I don't mean very liberal
like liberal.
I mean like,
they have dogs
named Freddy,
Maya,
and Ruth.
And the dogs are named
after Ruth Bader Ginsburg,
Maya Angelou,
and Frederick Douglass,
the freed slave.
My father chases
a Bichon around the house
named after
Frederick Douglass,
the slave.
And him and his wife
think it's okay.
Okay?
That's the cliff notes
on who we're dealing with.
Just in case
you're accusing me
of being
from Maya,
Maya Angelou,
who's a black woman,
person,
poet,
who they've named
a shih tzu after.
They're sick.
I'm sorry,
it's a disease.
Political extremism
is a disease.
I have to call it out
if it's in my own family.
And I love them.
But it's a disease.
If I was sitting around
Thanksgiving
and everybody had
a burka on,
I'd go,
what's going on here?
I'd call that out.
Ditto if everyone
was in the clan
or whatever.
I'm just saying
you're naming the dog.
Wasn't Frederick Douglass,
wasn't he the escape slave?
You don't know.
We have a substitute producer
whom I adore,
but you have no idea
if that was the escape slave.
And I think it was,
right?
Isn't it?
I think he was the first
black man in the White House.
I think that's true.
But am I calling him
a slave for no reason?
Because that's where
I'm going to get into trouble.
No.
Didn't he?
He was a slave.
He started out.
Why did my father
and his wife,
get him up on Wikipedia
now, please.
This is a show
that people are watching
with their families.
Frederick Douglass.
He was an abolitionist.
Let's see what was going on here.
Yes, he escaped from slavery.
I know what I'm doing.
Why do I second guess myself
and waste precious time?
My father and his wife
have a dog named
after this escaped slave.
Is that right?
Is that okay?
Is that not sick?
There's a level of political
that you get sick.
And all they talk about
is these dogs.
All boomers care about
right now is dogs.
Have you noticed this?
Boomers could not be bothered
with their children.
They couldn't be bothered
with their children.
If any boomer ever,
if you ask them
about their kids,
ugh,
I gotta cart them off
to karate
and then dance
and then swim practice,
football,
it never ends.
When do I have time
to sit in the house
and drink?
They never cared
at all for their children.
But I think
as they're nearing,
thankfully,
the grave,
as they're nearing
the grave,
they've realized
they should care
for something
on this earth
besides themselves.
And it is a dog.
This is,
anyone who has
a boomer parent
kind of knows this.
And it's not that
we don't love them,
by the way.
This is just,
we've accepted.
We all accept.
As the boomers
are careening
towards the cliff
and their own mortality,
which,
by the way,
I will say,
from meeting them
at my mother's funeral,
they are taking it
in stride.
Like,
millennials are
terrified,
up-googling
rare diseases.
How does it end?
Will I have done enough?
Zoomers are just so,
everything's death
with them.
I mean,
the school shootings
are mired in death.
They're nihilistic.
It's on a,
I mean,
the guy next to them
is foaming at the mouth
on fentanyl and math.
They're really bleak,
the Zoomers.
But the boomers
are very interesting
because they really
are marching towards death
in kind of a very calm
and peaceful way.
They came,
they saw,
they conquered.
They came to a planet
and destroyed it,
and now they're ready
to leave.
And so,
but before they leave,
they want to love
one thing
outside of themselves,
and it is dogs.
Every older boomer
I know
has gotten a new dog
and keeps calling
their child
to tell them
about the dog,
how amazing
the dog is,
how life-changing
it's been
to have a dog.
Oh,
we're at the dog beach.
We love the dog.
You gotta see
the way this dog
relates to the other dog.
These are people
who,
they're more concerned
when their dog
starts choking
than they were
when their kid
was hit by a car.
This is true.
And,
so they have these dogs.
They bring everywhere.
They bring,
when they go somewhere,
they bring dogs.
They set up cages.
They bring three dogs.
They live an hour from me.
They get dog cages
and dogs.
Dogs are running around
the house
or shitting in house.
In house.
The dogs
that I don't have
and don't want
and don't care about.
Little Shih Tzu,
Bijan,
not cool.
It's not like Huskies
in St. Bernard's.
It's not an Irish setter.
They were talking
little pieces of shit.
Little rats.
Little rats
named after
escaped slaves.
Okay?
They come over
48 hours early.
They come over
on Wednesday
for Thanksgiving,
Wednesday afternoon
to do cooking.
His wife wants
to do cooking.
She doesn't do any cooking.
She brings over food
and heats it up.
There's not,
there's no cooking.
I get depressed
with what's going on now
with the holidays.
Don't offer to cook
if you're not cooking.
Sorry.
Just don't do it.
I'll have it catered.
Something.
Don't offer to cook
if you're not cooking.
It's rude.
It's disrespectful.
It's wrong.
And a lot of people
are bothered by it.
Don't go to the grocery store
and get a bunch of shit
and heat it up.
I could do that.
Don't do that.
Don't do that.
It's wrong.
It's disrespectful.
My family,
we come from a great tradition
of great restaurants
and my uncle
has been so kind to us
and he's been so good to us
because he's in the restaurant business
and my grandmother
was an amazing cook
and would cook.
She would slave over the,
she'd Frederick Douglass
over the stove for hours
mashing potatoes
and chopping celery
and carrots
and making homemade stuffing.
So if you're gonna cook,
that's kind of what I expect.
Not getting a bunch of stuff
and heating it up.
Sorry, not sorry.
Sorry, not sorry.
Sorry, not sorry.
Okay?
Love and light.
Again, love and light.
Love and light.
Peace, love, light, holiday spirit.
No, no problems.
Just, you show up
with food in a crate
that you heat up.
It's disgusting.
And then you complain
that you're cooking.
It's like,
this is how psychotic
these people are.
They're psychopaths.
They're psychopaths.
And again,
not negative,
but
if you're claiming
that you're cooking
and you're not cooking
and you're talking
that you're cooking,
you're a psychopath.
It would be like
if I was talking
about working out all day.
If I came in
and I just got in from a run.
Somebody would call that out
and go,
but you,
no one saw,
when were you running?
No one saw this.
And it would be like
if everyone in the house
was like,
good for you running.
What route should you take?
Where'd you go?
You go up 27,
you make 11.
Instead of someone going,
what running
have you done in your life?
Like,
but
she's talking about cooking
like it's happening.
This is what's bothering me.
This is what's bothering me.
Can I be honest?
Yes or yes.
She's talking about
cooking like it's happening.
My father is talking
to his slave dog
who he's chasing
around the backyard
with the Maya Angelou
and the Ruth Bader Ginsburg
and the,
the,
the,
the underground railroad
of the canine underground railroad
that they got running
through the backyard.
My house.
In the Hampton.
Now,
so,
which they had to come to.
I would have gone to theirs,
but they had to come to mine.
They love it,
love it,
love it.
They want to come to my house.
I didn't want them.
I didn't want them.
Don't want them.
Love them.
Love them.
But no one needs house guests.
I'm 39,
going to be 40 soon.
Nobody wants house guests.
Nobody wants it.
I'm telling you right now,
when someone says,
why don't you come over?
They don't mean it.
If they're 20,
they mean it.
They don't mean it at 40.
They don't want you there.
They do not want you there.
They want you there for a dinner.
Not a sleepover.
This is not a frat party.
Nobody's roofing anybody.
Okay, this is not a bring out the Narcan and let's have fun.
This is come over for dinner and then get to step in.
Remember the great show Martin with Martin Lawrence?
He had some issues with Tisha Campbell,
but you know,
it doesn't matter.
He had a great show and he used to throw everyone out of his house.
And I understand and respect that.
So my father's out there with his slave dog and then my wife,
who's a lovely lady,
but she keeps talking about cooking.
I'm cooking all day.
So hard to cook.
She has crates from the market.
My cousin and her went to the market and they got all this food that she's
heating up in an oven.
They bought a turkey.
It's all fake.
The stuffing is Pepperidge Farm.
It's fake.
This is the way people eat in trailer parks.
This is the way people eat in trailer.
And by the way,
if you're in a trailer park,
God bless you.
I'm not going at you because we're going to get to elitism shortly.
And I'm not that guy.
I love trailer parks.
My point is this.
This is the way people eat in a trailer park.
People in trailer parks are agreeing with me.
Pepperidge Farm stuffing.
That ain't it.
That ain't it.
You ate better than that yesterday.
And you were with a bunch of people that weren't even white.
Right?
Correct.
So she brings over like,
you know,
this is a lady who,
God bless her,
but this is a woman who one time for my birthday served me Tostitos scoops.
Me and my friend came over to her house.
Remember the Tostitos scoop?
Food can be a thing to show love to someone,
but it's also a way to spit on them.
It's a way to spit on someone and show them that you hate them.
Or you're jealous of them or whatever.
I don't know.
You hate t