Name: CEO Assassinations & Christmas In New York | The Tim Dillon Show #420
Uploaded: 2024-12-07T17:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'CEO Assassinations & Christmas In New York | The Tim Dillon Show #420' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'CEO Assassinations & Christmas In New York | The Tim Dillon Show #420' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-07. Transcript available.

CEO Assassinations & Christmas In New York | The Tim Dillon Show #420

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
Happy Christmas!
Happy Hanukkah!
Happy Kwanzaa!
This is the time for Ramadan,
and this is the winter solstice.
This is the season of all the holidays.
I think this is Ramadan.
This is all of the holidays,
and it is a season of giving,
a season of really reflecting
on the things we have.
And I'm serious.
I don't usually, I'm not usually serious on this,
but often I am.
Much of what you think is a joke is actually serious,
and much of what you think is serious is actually a joke.
It's the great irony of the program.
You'll never know which is which.
I'll be long gone before you can figure it out.
Historians will devote lots of paper and pen, ink,
or cyber, you know, whatever clicks,
to what went on here in this studio the past seven years.
But it is time during the holidays to reflect on family, right?
And to reflect on how lucky we are.
Even if we're not lucky.
Even if we're not lucky, we are lucky.
The UnitedHealthcare CEO is lucky.
Was lucky.
He died doing what he loved.
Standing outside a Manhattan hotel.
Getting ready to speak to the troops.
To rev up the troops.
He died doing what he loved.
Standing outside of a Manhattan hotel at 6 a.m.
Getting ready to rev up the troops.
He had a call.
I believe he was at some investment call or something.
He died doing what he loved.
How lucky is he?
No, seriously.
How lucky is he?
I think it's time to think about the holidays in a different way.
It's too materialistic.
It's disgusting.
The stores and the toys and the crap.
We got too much crap in the country.
The UnitedHealthcare CEO is lucky.
He died doing what he loved.
He died a soldier in the war of healthcare, which is a war.
Healthcare is a war between sick people and insurance companies.
It's a war.
Sick people are very selfish.
Have you met any of them?
They never stop.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Chemo, chemo, chemo.
I have no hair.
And you have men like this man, Brian Thompson, who's the CEO of UnitedHealthcare.
A great company.
And their job, their job, and let's not get it twisted, is to decide which sick
people are a good bet.
Who's a good bet, who's a bad bet?
Some people win, some people lose.
And Brian Thompson, and UnitedHealthcare, and like Blue Cross, Blue Shield, or
whatever.
His job is to decide who's a good bet.
Who's our money on?
Who we putting our money on in the ward?
Who's the money going on?
Okay?
Can't put it all on black.
Got to figure out a strategy.
I don't know why he was killed.
I know that he died doing what he loved, and I know that that's not nothing.
And there's something beautiful about working till the very end of your life.
The last thought that went through his head was money and work.
He was murdered by a gunman in a hoodie in front of a hotel during an investor
conference.
Deny, defend, and depose were written on the shell casings found at the scene.
The killer was smiling at Starbucks before the shooting.
The killer was elated.
He was happy.
He very much wanted to kill this man.
He knew the door outside of the hotel that he would be waiting.
The killer shared a room in a hostel with a few men.
See the killer getting a coffee, smiling?
Do a close-up on that.
This is, whether you like it or not, an American holiday story.
It is.
It may not be the ones you grew up with.
It may not be the ones.
But in America, the Grinch doesn't necessarily have a change of heart.
He gets shot outside of a hotel in Manhattan.
It's a holiday story in America.
There's something nice about the smell of a Starbucks in the holidays.
I don't know what it is.
I don't know.
Why is it so nice?
Why does Starbucks hit differently in December than it hits in July?
I don't know.
Close-up on that man's face again.
Look how happy he is.
The smell of coffee in Starbucks.
The hustle, the bustle of Manhattan.
The gun in your pocket.
A story unfolding.
No one knows.
A little smirk.
A smile.
Happiness.
It's the holidays.
It's a special time in America, in New York City.
Have you ever been, have you ever gotten shot in the head in New York City
during the holidays?
Outside of a hotel where you're about to have an investor conference.
At 6 a.m.
Still dark.
Still mysterious.
Still magical.
Have you ever, the lights, the Christmas lights are still beautifully punctuating
the blackness of the night as you take your last breath outside of the investor
conference.
A man in a hood, the Sopranos, the Sopranos, the Sopranos, that great episode
when they're on the lake.
I don't know.
I don't know anything about Brian Thompson.
I don't know anything about Brian Thompson.
Can we play the shooting?
Can we play it?
But wait a minute.
Before you do, before you do, I want you to find, okay?
I want you to find non-copyrighted, because this is my theme.
I will not pretend I will be festive.
I want you to find some non-copyrighted Christmas music.
I'm sorry if anyone's offended by that.
I'm sorry to the Jews that listen.
If you're offended to that, you've done well enough.
I would like some Christmas music as we watch the execution of the CEO of the
United Healthcare Company.
And again, I'm not, I don't know much about the case.
Is there anything to know?
What is there to know?
I read something on X about Nancy Pelosi in a congressional investigation, and
I don't know what happened or who did what or why.
I'll read you that tweet in a minute.
But more importantly, this is a fable.
But it's real people.
It's a holiday story.
It's a story about the unknown, about the unknowable.
It's kind of magical.
And I'm not, again, I'm not making light of this man's death.
I don't know this man.
But I know he died doing what he loved.
And I know that he died participating in the world.
Okay?
And I'm sure maybe many of his family or friends are watching this or someone's
sending it to them and they feel, they feel upset about it.
They don't like that I'm turning this into sort of a Christmas thing.
But it is.
So let's watch the news story about this for the people that don't know about
it, by the way.
For the people that don't know about this.
Here it is.
Let's just take a moment.
It's Christmas in New York
And everyone sits by the fire
We're killing CEOs of healthcare companies
It's Christmas in New York
It's Christmas in New York
Men in hoodies are shooting their enemies
It's Christmas in New York
The kids are throwing snowballs
People are throwing bullets
People are ice skating
People are getting shot at point blank range in the dark
It's Christmas in New York
Have a coffee and kill
Have a coffee and kill
Have a coffee and kill
Have a coffee and kill your enemies
No one really cares
No one really cares
All right
Enough of that
Let's watch the
I hope that's a classic
Who does that hallmark?
I want to get on that now
This is what we call music
And it's that
And it's the song I did about the
That Eden Golan
That Eurovision Israel-Palestine song I did
But let's watch a news
Can we watch a little bit of the CBS news on this
Because a lot of people don't know about this
Remember that movie John Q
Where the guy
You know Denzel Washington's like
You denied my son an operation
Then he takes everybody hostage
People are thinking that's what this is
That for whatever reason
Someone has made a political stance
To kill the CEO of a healthcare guy
And by the way
Let me say this right now
I never support random acts of violence
I don't think they are a good way to
Change policy
That's not something that we support on the show
I was against it when during 2020
There were riots
And people's businesses were getting burned down
And people were losing their livelihoods
I believe that you cannot just lash out violently
And kill people
But it is Christmas
And people get emotional
During the holidays
This is true
The holidays will bring it out of you
I was in the 9-11 store
What is that thing?
That horrific thing
They open downtown
That looks like angel wings
It's a nightmare
It's whatever it is
That mall
The 9-11 mall
I was in that mall
And I was trying to get
My phone screens cracked
And I was in the Apple store
And you know those people
And you know
They're like
It's going to take hours
And I'm like
Well fuck it then
And they go
Well there's an Apple store
On 5th Avenue
That's open 24 hours a day
And what am I going to stand there
At 2 o'clock in the morning
While they fix a cracked phone screen
It's insane
But I became emotional
And I'm not technically
You know
I'm not a terribly emotional person
You know
I can't be to do what I do
I must trudge on
You know
I have friends that fall apart
All the time
I'm not saying that I don't
Get emotional
The last time I was really emotional
I was denied a midnight mask
Because I didn't have a ticket
And I saw everybody going in
With their mink coats
I saw how wealthy they all were
And I kind of shed a tear
Just at how proud I was
Of this kind of
You know
Experience
That all these wealthy people
Were having in St. Patrick's
And how beautiful it was
And how sad it was
That I wasn't involved
But how beautiful it was
That it was happening
And I shed like a tear
But I was emotional
In this 9-11 mall
Because
I
You know
Because of the holiday
And you start thinking
About the holidays
And you start thinking about
Being on this planet
And how
Wild it is
That you're even here
No matter what you're doing
I'm looking at people
Scooping gelato
They're not happy
That they're doing that
Maybe they are
But maybe the other parts
Of their life are phenomenal
But I'm looking at everybody
And I go
We're all here
Yes, it's disgusting
The angel wing mall
Is terrible
Yes, it's the mass grave
Technically
Yes, I'm in an Apple store
And they can't fix
The phone screen
Yes, it's crowded
Yes, it's
You know
There's too much
Happening
Yes, that Venezuelan gang
I believe
Is standing by the subway
I can't
I don't know
Particularly
I don't really know
But I think it is them
And they are looking at me
I don't know
If they know
That I know
That they know
You know what I mean
Yes, there's all these problems
But really
We are all here together
How many of these
Do we get?
No one knows
There's something beautiful
And magical
About the holidays
And it makes you emotional
And I am against
Random acts of violence
I am against people
Killing other people
Even if they feel
They are justified
Even if they feel
They are justified
But
It's the holidays
And people get
In their feelings
During the holidays
And people are very mad
At the healthcare companies
In our country
They're not happy
And I'm not saying
It's good
To do this
I don't analyze things
Often
Good and bad
And good and evil
Are
I don't want to say
They're above my pay grade
But they're certainly
Not helpful
For the context
That I put things
In on this program
It doesn't
It doesn't
It doesn't advance
The discussion
To just say
This was a bad thing
It doesn't advance
The discussion
To just say
It was not good
To shoot someone
At point blank range
When they're outside
Of an investor conference
It's not
It doesn't mean anything
It already happened
That's number one
And I'm not
There's no one
Listening to this show
I don't think
That's on the fence
About doing something
Like that
I'm trying to put this
In the context
Of a Christmas story
Okay
Because it is
It is
Actually
It will come to define
The holidays in New York
In kind of an interesting way
In maybe
Dare I say
A beautiful way
About how precious
Life is
How do we spend
Our time on this planet
Really
And
My friend texted me
Early in the morning
Did you see this
Oh my god
New York is back
People were texting me
People were excited
People were going
What's going on
People in hoodies
Shooting people
Point blank range
Outside of the hotel
At 6am
I wouldn't have done it
I don't get up early
But I'm saying that
It has come to define
The holidays in New York
More than any other story
Let's watch a little bit
Of it please
On CBS
You see this
Yes
Officials
That the words
deny, defend, and depose
Were written on the shell casings
Recovered right here behind us
Where the shoo