Name: Drones, Mangione & Selling Syria | The Tim Dillon Show #421
Uploaded: 2024-12-14T17:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Drones, Mangione & Selling Syria | The Tim Dillon Show #421' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Drones, Mangione & Selling Syria | The Tim Dillon Show #421' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-14. Transcript available.

Drones, Mangione & Selling Syria | The Tim Dillon Show #421

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show, friend of the show, Bashar
al-Assad, his wife, Asma, who, by the way, is suffering from leukemia.
And it's very, I think, sick that a lot of people that are celebrating the downfall
of the Assads, who've been friends of the program for years,
are cheering on Luigi Mangione for shooting a healthcare executive and yet
applauding the downfall of a woman with leukemia.
And that makes you think. And were the Assads perfect? No, probably not. I don't
know. Is anyone perfect?
But, now that they're gone, you know, we don't know. We don't know the rebels.
We're just calling them the rebels are here.
And I'm sure the rebels will be lovely. That's the thing about the Middle East.
When one government leaves, everybody celebrates because that government is
usually heinous.
And everybody goes, good, they're gone. You know what they did?
They tortured people and they put them in cages and they, you know, butchered
people and they poisoned people.
Everybody applauds. It's the right thing to do. We all feel good about it.
We're like, good, get them out of there. You see that? The rape rooms.
And then you go, all right, so who's on deck? Who's next?
What are their plans?
Do they involve rooms of rape? Do they involve torture? Do they involve any
jail cells?
Will there be a religious police? Perhaps.
It's tough. It's tough to get excited about regime change in the Middle East.
I'm an older man. I'm 39.
Many of you younger people listen to this show and, you know, you tend to look
at regime change in the Middle East like a wide-eyed young person.
Maybe in your first year of college, you're getting laid, you're having fun,
you rush, a sorority, a pledge of frat, you're meeting your lifelong friends.
It's fun, it's parents' weekend, you're growing into the person you've always
been meant to be.
That is a type of person who looks at regime change in the Middle East with
excitement.
You're in awe. Oh, my God.
They lived under this totalitarian, brutal, evil regime.
Jessica, you have no idea how bad, like, some of the people didn't even eat.
I know. I feel ya.
As you get older, let's say if you are a 39-year-old, ex-cocaine addict,
homosexual, multimillionaire,
you tend to look at regime change in the Middle East not as a negative, just as
kind of like, hey, this is happening now, huh?
That's what you look at regime, as you get older, because I've been around long
enough to know that the rebels, and God bless the rebels, the rebels are led by
Hayat Tahir al-Sham.
A group that grew from an Al-Qaeda affiliate, its leader, Abu Muhammad al-Julani,
was involved with militants battling American forces in Iraq following their
2003 invasion,
and the State Department has a $10 million bounty for information on him.
So he's on deck.
He's on deck.
He's up next.
Now listen, do I blame him for fighting us in Iraq?
Not really.
I mean, what's he gonna do, right?
We get there in Iraq.
He's trying to establish a caliphate.
We're getting in the way of that.
This is the thing about the Middle East, by the way.
There's very few people in the Middle East who, under scrutiny, are gonna
really hold up when it comes to the people that want to run Syria.
There's not that many people that want to run Syria that you'd have at your
house, at a barbecue, and when they started talking about the beliefs they had,
you'd go, huh, interesting.
Most of these people are religious fundamentalists.
They are militarists, meaning that, like Assad, they have a military
dictatorship.
It's a strong man.
It's an authoritarian leader.
That's not a region that has a democracy in their bones.
They don't.
It's a region that is run by petrodictatorships that lean on enforced religiosity.
So as an older person, as a person that has been around for a long time, I am
not happy or sad.
I'm happy that the people got out of the butcher jail or the slaughter prison,
and I hope they enjoy the two weeks they have before they're in the next one.
Because you just start, and as you get older, you actually stop when things
aren't your fault, you have to release yourself from them.
This is true.
This is true.
This is controversial.
People actually don't love this, but it is true.
I didn't fuck up Syria.
I'm probably, and I know this may shock you, I'm not going to fix Syria.
You see, I'm trying to not have pancakes.
I'm trying to make a better choice.
You see, I'm not trying to fix Syria.
I know a lot of people in our country are, and they have been.
They've been fighting proxy wars in Syria with Russia for a very long time.
I'm sure the Syrian people are great.
I really am.
I'm sure they're lovely, and I don't love the, you know, can we get the photo
of that little, that toddler getting out of that prison?
It's a perfect example of, you know, this emotional appeal, which obviously we're
all human beings.
We all have.
Make it bigger.
This is a toddler getting out of the Assad prison, and of course, your
immediate, your immediate response is,
oh my God, the brutality, the horror, to which I say, yes, but also, what did
he do?
Why is he in that jail?
Are you naive enough to believe children are never dangerous?
Are you naive enough to believe that there's an age at which children can never
be dangerous?
What was he trying to do?
Why was he in that cell?
I have had no explanation for that.
If you think that two-year-old isn't going to get out of that cell and raise
havoc in the new Syria,
I mean, hell, the things he'll do.
Can you imagine that?
This kid has more cred than anybody.
That is the next leader.
That is the next leader that is going to destroy the Middle East.
That is the hardest photo I've ever seen in my life.
Other than the Trump photo of him getting shot and then pumping his fist full
of blood going fight, fight, fight, fight.
That two-year-old walking out of that jail cell is the hardest photo I've seen
in my life.
There is nothing, there is nothing, nothing that will ever compete with that
photo.
That guy is going to, he is going to be a dictator.
And if he is not, it is because he has made a lot of mistakes, but I'll tell
you right now, nothing sets you on a path of domination like that photo.
Did you see the title of this article?
Yeah.
Toddler released from jail with hopes of Syria on his shoulders.
Collapse of the Assad regime brings exuberant euphoria to Syrians across the
globe while new rebel leader faces new challenges ahead.
This photo has come to symbolize the brutality of the Assad regime, which again,
we are not minimizing, by the way.
I don't want you to hear, just because I'm friends with Assad and his wife and
his children, and I'll probably have dinner with him in Moscow.
It doesn't mean that I don't recognize that mistakes were made.
What I'm saying is the rebels, the rebels, whoever these people are, I'm hoping
and praying that they create a pluralistic, beautiful society in Syria that
respects human rights and the rights of women, and they're a good partner, and
that's the hope.
That's all I'm saying.
I'm saying, I'm not, am I, I'm just saying the likelihood of that is low.
That's all.
The likelihood of that is low, and it is because I am old enough to have seen
this movie before.
I've seen it before.
Now, I know they're releasing this one around Christmas.
They're releasing this one around Donald Trump's inauguration.
They're really trying to get stuff going, aren't they, before his inauguration?
We'll talk about the fake alien invasion in a minute, but they're really trying
to leave him a mess.
You know, they're really trying to get things going.
They go, they go to the Ukraine, they go, yeah, shoot these long-range missiles
into Moscow, see how we can fuck all of this shit up.
Then they're like, you know, let's get Syria going.
Because, by the way, none of this is an accident.
Like, the rebels don't just accidentally topple the regime in Syria with a
month before the inauguration.
I hope listeners of this show are smart enough to know that this is not an
accidental thing.
Again, I'm not saying it's a bad thing or a good thing.
It's a thing.
I'm hoping, I'm happy that that two-year-old got out of jail.
God knows what he'll do, but I'm happy.
And I think, again, he's setting himself up with that one photo alone to be a
significant player in Middle East politics later on if he survives.
But, know this and be aware of it.
Be aware of the fact that if, in a year or two, we are again at war in Syria,
if we are again in the Middle East fighting with the new Syrian government, the
new leader, don't be shocked.
Don't be shocked and do not, I want you to remember this show when I told you,
this is how things in that region of the world work.
It's almost like people around the world value different things and you cannot
always make people see things your way.
You certainly can't do it at the barrel of a gun.
We've tried to do that for many years.
Also, this idea of endless immigration is the hope, this utopian dream, that
everybody from all over the world that comes to America is doing it to be an
American and not because they want an economic opportunity.
They're doing it to be an American.
That's a big utopian dream.
There's a lot of people coming to America probably because they want to make
money.
They want to send money back to the country they live in.
And they want to retain a lot of the customs and the culture of the place that
they came from.
And some of those customs and some of that culture is probably diametrically
opposed to American culture.
And it's not as easy to assimilate certain people.
It's not about race.
It's not about anything.
It's about culture.
And it's about the ideal of what a country should be.
Now, there's people in America that disagree on lots of things.
We have vastly different views on lots of things.
But there are core principles that we do agree on.
We agree on freedom of speech.
Some of us.
We agree on freedom of religion.
We agree on some of the core principles.
And if you're importing people from parts of the world that have no tradition
of that, that do not believe in that, that actually believe that is an affront
to their culture and the way that they live,
you're going to have a little bit of a sticky situation.
It's going to be an issue.
So that's why this beautiful movie of the Assad's fleeing Syria, released on
Christmas, you will see again.
This is not a movie that doesn't have sequels.
This is a movie that every few years, the news goes, we are overjoyed to bring
you some great news from the Middle East.
Finally, the long-suffering people of blank have toppled the regime of blank.
And blank has, it's just Madlips, you can do it in Madlips, and blank has fleed
the country and has been given a home in Russia or Iran.
And they have fled the country.
And here all the people are jubilant.
They're happy, as I am for the people.
And now they have the tough, and this is the way Americans talk and they do in
the press, they go,
they have a tough, they have a tough road ahead.
They go, they have a tough road ahead, and they have some real challenges to
building a government.
They have a tough road ahead and real challenges to building a government.
And we wish them the best.
Now, of course, we're over there telling them exactly who to pick or how to
pick.
We're trying, whether it happens or not.
We're trying.
We're trying to do that.
Let's take a look, though.
And this is the reality show that I want to see.
You know, everybody likes these shows in L.A. or New York.
But, I mean, they're all boring, right?
These real estate shows.
We've seen all of them before.
We've seen all of the houses.
And you go, you know, we all know how a basketball player or an actor or a
musician or a finance guy lives or a tech guy.
We know.
We don't need, like, season eight of Selling Sunset.
We're aware of how these people live.
And, you know, they got a pool.
Ooh, it's an infinity pool.
It looks like it's going off the edge, but it's not.
We know how they live.
Bu