Name: LA Fires Emergency Podcast | The Tim Dillon Show #426
Uploaded: 2025-01-14T01:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'LA Fires Emergency Podcast | The Tim Dillon Show #426' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-01-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'LA Fires Emergency Podcast | The Tim Dillon Show #426' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-01-14. Transcript available.

LA Fires Emergency Podcast | The Tim Dillon Show #426

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show. We are here from the Sirius
XM studio at
the Wynn Hotel in Las Vegas. We have been displaced. I am a refugee of the wildfires
of California, along with many other people that are suffering that need your
help. I need your
help. I need funding. I am not a sympathetic figure in many of your minds, but
it doesn't
matter. It doesn't matter that I'm already rich. I want your money. I've had a
tragedy in my life.
It doesn't matter that I sold my house a year ago. It doesn't matter because
when people text me and go,
what's going on with your house? I say, I don't know. I say, nobody knows. It's
a tragedy and we're
all scared. I'm not going to ruin. Now, I did sell my house a year ago because
there was a lot of
slides. I didn't know this was coming. I'm not Nostradamus, but I sold my house.
But I'm not going to tell people that, by the way. And if that makes me a sociopath,
fine. I'm not
telling you that. If I check into a hotel, I'm not telling you I sold my house.
If you ask me,
how are things going? I will look down and I will say, we don't know. I don't
know what's happening.
I invent a family. I say, I don't know where they are. We lost contact. We lost
touch. I had to get my
Rolls Royce out of LA. I don't know where the wife and kids are. I hope they're
fine. They're not
responding. People are texting me. I have not spoken to in a year. How's your
house? What am I going to say?
I sold it and then immediately lose their goodwill? No. I'm giving them the
experience they want to
have. I say, I don't know. No one knows. I'm texting neighbors. We're watching
the ring cam.
The ring cam cut off could mean anything. We don't know. Could have gotten hit
by an ember.
I left two days before the fire. It doesn't matter. I said it was an evacuation.
I waited. I wanted to be
responsible. I didn't want to clog the highway with my gas guzzling SUV. I
waited. I didn't leave
Tuesday afternoon. Of course I did. You know why? I'm not an idiot. Stop
checking on me going,
how are you? What do you think? I'm an idiot. You think I'm waiting for the
government evacuation?
You think I'm waiting for the government of Los Angeles to tell me to not die?
No, I leave
immediately. I saw a fire and I left. I left because I'm not an idiot. All my
other friends
are like, are you in the evacuation zone? I said, get in your car and leave.
You're rich, you idiot.
There's terrible stuff going on. I get it. Families have lost homes. Tons of
innocent people are
affected more in Altadena than the Palisades. Let's be honest. But a lot of
people I know and
I'm friends with live in the Palisades. So let's just say that I feel terrible
for the people of
Altadena. I think we should donate a lot of money to the people of Altadena. I
believe the people of
Altadena need help. Truly, for real. As for the Palisades, listen, it's rough.
It's rough. I like
that they had with the blue ribbon sushi, you know, and that McConnell's,
McConnell's ice cream with that
Santa Barbara strawberry flavor they have, which is good. But the strawberries
really picked an
Oxnard, but they don't want to say that. Nobody picks strawberries in Santa
Barbara. They pick them
an Oxnard, but that's not the name of the flavor. The point is, I feel bad for
the people in the
Palisades as well. It is not fun to lose a fifth of your real estate portfolio.
It actually sucks.
Sucks. Sucks. Sucks. If you had something, you didn't lose a fifth of it. Sucks.
That's not good.
It's sad. It's unfortunate. People I know in the Palisades are hurting. They're
hurting.
I went to the Montage in Laguna Beach Tuesday night immediately. I said, I want
one of the
Sundays. The woman goes, they don't make them on the late night menu. I said,
oh, that's funny. My
house burned down. She then gave me a Sunday and I went to pay her. She said,
it's free. I said, thank
you. Folks, I don't care. I'm getting my beak wet. I'm going to get my beak wet.
I'm going to get my
beak wet here. You think I've paid enough taxes into this shithole that I am
going to reap the benefits
of the sympathy that I'm kind of getting that might not be correct. If you
haven't spoken to me in a
year and you're texting me about my house, I'm not going to be honest with you.
You don't deserve it.
We're not friends. I've been honest with my friends. They knew I sold my house.
If you've
not spoken to me in a year, I'm telling you, I don't know what's going on with
my house. It's
probably on fire and I've lost everything. It doesn't matter. I want you to be
sad. I want
you to send me, oh my God, I can't believe this. And I, and I don't want to
make, it's not a class
thing with the Palisades. They're the reason that I, I feel a little less bad
for them is not because
they're rich. It's not because they're rich. It's because I, I like know them.
That's all I've had like experiences with them, like in life. It's not just a
monetary thing. I don't
mind that. Beverly Hills, I'd be crying. I'd be crying. We're recording this on
Sunday. If this fire
rolls through Brentwood and then Bel Air and Beverly Hills, I will cry. And the
cities may be toast.
We don't know. There's arsonists running around setting fires all over the
place. They're arresting
them one by one. They're trying to, they let one guy out. And I think some of
them might be genuinely
homeless, but by the way, if you were a terrorist group, maybe being funded by
a foreign country or
not, wouldn't you disguise cells as homeless people? Because in LA, there are
so many homeless people.
If you wanted to blend in in LA, you'd just be homeless. So if I'm a foreign
country
and, and I'm talking to my terrorist cells and I go, guys, in order to blend
into this society,
you must shit on the street and be homeless. And no one, and they're going to
go, wait a minute,
won't that, isn't that a tell? Won't we get arrested immediately? Won't that
give us away? I go,
no, no, no, no, no. You're the safest people in the town. Sleep on someone's
lawn, piss on yourself,
shit on the street. No one will even say anything. You will not, you will not
be stopped by the
police. In fact, if people call the police and say a man is shitting on my lawn,
the police hang up the
phone. They don't care. There's nothing for them to do. So if you're going to
assimilate into Los
Angeles society, you must be homeless. So I can't quite say if this is an
organized terrorist
attack, by the way, it's brilliant. It's brilliant. This is our one weakness.
No one would even say
anything about a homeless guy with a gas can. These dumb cunts in the Palisades,
if they saw a homeless
man with a gas can, they'd go, he's just having some fun. He's probably trying
to warm himself up
because they're so, their brains have been rotted. Their brains, it's the same
reason they're all
being relentlessly positive right now, saying this is going to be fine. It's
going to be fine.
Entire swaths of the city are gone. There was no water in the fucking hydrants.
Nobody cleared any of
this brush. They didn't do any control burns. They didn't prepare any of these
areas with high
forestation, any of this shit. None of it was done. We didn't want to upset a
fish. Some tribal elder
was like, this fish can't go extinct. The Pacific Palisades reservoir was
offline when the fires
arrived. We were completely woefully unprepared for this. The mayor was in
Africa. The governor's got on
the vineyard he lives in or whatever the hell he's doing. So the government
completely bungled the
response to this. It is, it is, it was a crazy high wind day. It could get
worse. And now it's probably
one of the fires we know, or one or two of the fires was definitely arson.
And if it's arson and it's homeless people, it's either homeless people that
are just crazy and
lighting fires, which is absolutely possible. Or somebody saying blend in as a
homeless person,
they won't notice. They won't care. It will be like any other day there. What
we know about the arrest
made for this arsonist. Okay. The man has been arrested on a felony probation
violation, but no further
details were given at the press conference. The investigation is ongoing. I'm
going to read you a text
that I got from Eli Roth, who is a director. He directed the show of the movie
Thanksgiving that I was in.
He said this 4 PM on Wednesday on outpost drive, a homeless man poured gasoline
down the sewer grate and lit it
on fire. By total coincidence, someone from the gas company saw him do this and
call the fire department.
They put it out. The neighbors were all saying, what kind of mentally disturbed
person would do this?
What kind of homeless person walks around with a can of gasoline lighting fires?
You just don't go back to the park
and shoot up after that. Then two hours later, out of nowhere, with no burning
embers near us,
Runyon goes up. We watch it from our bedroom window, a little smoke, and then
five minutes later, the whole hill
on fire. So these are people I know, real people witnessing this behavior. Homeless
man with flamethrower
busted on suspicion of arson near LA's Kenneth fire after residents detained
him.
Let's watch a little bit of this because it may become clear and we don't know
yet. I'm speculating. I don't know
anything. It may become clear. This is a coordinated attack. It may not be. It
may be a series of random
psychos taking advantage of the weather conditions. It may be cells, terrorist
cells that have embedded
themselves in the country. People that pose as refugees or posed as homeless
people. I don't know.
These are all possibilities. They're all on the table. This could be a massive
failure of a power
company that's trying to cover it up. I don't know. Let's take a look at this
here. What is this?
This is a homeless guy. Do we have volume on this or no? No.
Is this the guy that was caught with the five cell phones? Do we know that? Can
we look that up and see if that's true or not?
That guy doesn't look that homeless, by the way. I don't know how homeless that
guy is, but he doesn't look that homeless.
People in L.A. have to wake up a little bit. They have to wake up a little bit
because it's not apparent what's going on.
What we do know is that a tremendous amount of the city, we're having Adam Carolla
on very soon.
He's lived in L.A. forever, and he has thoughts on this as well as to why this
is happening, the way it is happening.
And I'm not claiming that this is that we know.
They said the Palisades fire started in a house, and it's probably correct.
High winds knocked down power, you know, knocked out poles and everything.
So, the thing about it, this is the issue.
I was in New York during 9-11.
I was a kid.
I was in 11th grade in high school.
But New York, there's grit.
L.A., this is going to be tough.
This is not a city of, that's not what L.A. is about.
L.A. is not about tragedy.
It's about pretending tragedy doesn't happen.
It's about sunshine.
It's about casual conversations in a coffee shop.
It's about being passive-aggressive.
It's about, you know, kind of internalizing the loneliness of living in this
mountainous region.
Out where these fires started, the highlands of the Palisades in Malibu, it's
like Jurassic Park.
People shouldn't live there.
It's a little unreasonable to say, I want to live in a forest on top of a
mountain overlooking the ocean.
But I also want it to be a desert with no rain and get perfect weather every
day.
It's unreasonable.
L.A. is where Hollywood started.
Eastern European Jews from New York went to L.A. to start the movie business.
And whether you hate L.A. or love L.A., realize that the movies and the music
that America's churned out is the only reason we're not completely hated the
world over.
Really, truly.
I mean, the goodwill that a Tommy Boy or an anchorman or something like that
bought us, you can't even quantify.
Motown, things that Elvis Presley, I mean, I know Motown's not in L.A., but,
you know, Capitol Records was.
The idea, and I'm not saying i