Name: Ceasefire Cheat Day & Realtors In LA | The Tim Dillon Show #427
Uploaded: 2025-01-18T17:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ceasefire Cheat Day & Realtors In LA | The Tim Dillon Show #427' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-01-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ceasefire Cheat Day & Realtors In LA | The Tim Dillon Show #427' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-01-18. Transcript available.

Ceasefire Cheat Day & Realtors In LA | The Tim Dillon Show #427

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
Are we excited about the ceasefire?
I am pumped about the ceasefire between Israel and Hamas.
It's a ceasefire, baby!
What happened to that?
What happened to the days when, like, Bruce Springsteen would write a song like
that?
It's what I desire, a ceasefire.
And it would be a moment.
I don't feel like we have enough of those today.
We don't have moments.
We don't.
We don't have a nice moment.
Like a nice, you know.
Now, people are mad at Israel because the ceasefire starts on Sunday,
officially.
And yesterday, I think they killed a bunch of people that were celebrating the
ceasefire.
That's what happened.
There was a bunch of people celebrating the ceasefire.
And Israel killed them.
Well, listen.
Have you ever said, I'm starting a diet on Monday?
What do you do Sunday?
It's lasagna night.
So, this Israel's starting a diet of no killing of the Palestinians on Sunday.
They're starting a strict, ketogenic, no carbs, killing Palestinian babies at
all, for any reason, on Sunday.
But, up until Sunday, you're going to loosen the belt loop a couple, no?
I mean, it's like Sunday we're going to do the right thing, but tonight we dine
in hell.
I mean, that's kind of the, Israel ramps up deadly airstrikes on Gaza after a
ceasefire deal is reached.
They need a few days to get it out of their system, from what I understand.
They need a few days.
You can't go cold turkey on killing.
You have to ease off.
You've got to ease off.
You know, when I was in fifth grade, I was coming down a hill in Goshen, New
York.
It's a suburb in Rockland County.
It might be Putnam.
Either Putnam or Orange or Rockland County.
It doesn't matter.
The point is, I was coming down a hill.
I did a, I pumped the brakes.
I flew off the bike.
And I got scars on the elbows.
Rocks and everything went on the elbow because I pumped the brakes.
And I flew off.
I mean, I'm sorry.
I jammed on the brakes.
I didn't pump them.
You've got to pump the brakes.
You've got to slow down at a speed that doesn't just jolt you.
And I didn't.
So Israel's going to have to.
You've got to give them a minute.
They've really been killing now for the span of, what, two years?
Is it two years of this?
A lot of it, right?
Almost two years.
It's almost two years of them kind of, you know, killing.
So they have to take a little, you know, and hopefully, you know, by Sunday,
they can kind
of, like, chill.
And now Hamas, remember Hamas?
Hamas is going to let the hostages out.
But before that happens, right here it says, Israel, Hamas, cease for a deal,
will go into effect too late for Akram Abu Ahmed to see his children again.
His family's sole survivor after an Israeli airstrike, Ahmed, was sleeping in
the area of Gaza City in the early hours of Thursday, celebrating the news of
the truce when he heard a loud sound and he was thrown into the air.
Dustin screams around, Dustin screams around me.
For Israel to attack, like, it's a party to celebrate the truce.
And Israel, I mean, it's really, it's really, it's out of line, but also, like,
there's a level of irony there that cannot even fully be understood unless you
are one of the people at that party having fun.
Maybe there's a dance, like, kind of like a ceasefire, like, you know, like,
one of the dances they do.
And then, here it is.
This is going on.
Everyone's happy.
And then you go, hold on, what's that?
What's that noise?
Look at how happy everyone is.
Then, then, then there is a noise and everybody looks at each other and it's
like, you know,
da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-pop.
It's to curb your enthusiasm music because, uh, you know, you're out there
celebrating a ceasefire and then you get killed.
During the ceasefire celebration, it's one minute, it's a celebration of a
ceasefire.
The next minute, someone's, uh, leg is in your lap and you're like, what is
going on?
I thought we were done with this.
But Israel says, no, no, no, no, no, Sunday.
You're a little early.
You're a little early.
We're starting this Sunday.
We are not, today is not part of it.
I wonder if Israel said that.
Today is not part of it.
We're going to get a few airstrikes in before we start.
And they killed 115 people.
Well, I'm going to call this right now.
I don't know if I'm right.
And I'm going to say this and people might get angry with me or people might
not agree with me.
I'm going to make a stunning prediction on this program, on this show, in front
of everybody, in front of the world.
I'm going to put my name on the line right now.
I'm very happy about the ceasefire deal.
But, but I'm going to say this.
I don't believe I'm putting myself out there.
I don't believe this is the end of the problems between these two.
I just don't.
I just don't.
I just don't.
Call me a cynic.
I believe that there's going to be some residual bad blood.
I'll say it.
I'll say it.
I believe, personally, now it might not be true.
I don't know.
I'm just saying there could be, perhaps, potentially, possibly, some residual
bad blood between these two groups.
Because I got to be honest with you, I just think that even though they have
this nice ceasefire,
they did Israel kill 28 children and 31 women, in this, at the ceasefire party,
where they all, hey, by the way, stop going to ceasefire parties.
Apparently, that's pretty hazardous to your health.
Don't do that.
Israel and Hamas, and it's kind of become a war on the civilians of Gaza,
though.
I mean, let's be honest.
I know that it's supposed to be just a war on Hamas.
But it feels, to me, again, an observer, that it is more, sort of becoming a
war on the civilians, because it's a lot of civilians.
Now, I know that Israel will say that four-year-old was in Hamas, and he might
have been.
I don't know.
I don't know.
And that seems to be the argument.
Many of these toddlers are in Hamas.
But I don't know.
I just think there could be some research.
So right now in Gaza, they say 46,707 people have been killed, about 17,500
children,
injured more than 109,000 people, and missing more than 11,000.
Yeah.
Israel killed about 1139, injured 8730 with Israel.
That's the Israeli death toll versus the Gaza death toll.
Now, these death tolls may not be accurate.
The missing, clearly, the missing people in Gaza are probably not thriving, is
my guess.
I would add most of the missing to the death toll.
It would be what I, if I was, if I was sitting down at the win in Vegas,
and I was a gambling man, and they said,
what do you think happened to those missing people in Gaza?
I'd go, well, and then I would move the chips into the dead.
There would be, there would be a table, and one thing would say dead, the
circle,
and I would just take all the missing chips, and I'd go, oh.
But I'd make a face, because it'd be sad.
I'd go, oh, put them there.
Because they're probably no longer with us.
That would be my guess.
I don't know.
They could be thriving.
I don't know.
I mean, perhaps they're thriving.
I don't think so.
What are we going to do with these kids?
Steve Witkoff, a real estate entrepreneur, went over there,
and Netanyahu, he said, I'm meeting you on the Sabbath.
And Netanyahu's like, well, I'm on the Sabbath.
And Witkoff's like, hey, man, I don't give a shit.
I don't care what you're doing.
I'm also a Jew, but I don't give a fuck.
We're getting this thing done.
And he went over there, and he basically said, listen,
there's going to be hell to pay.
We've been a great friend to Israel.
You have to be a friend to us.
We need a ceasefire right now.
Trump is coming in, and we're not going to do this anymore.
Witkoff's a friend of Trump.
He was golfing with Trump, the second assassination attempt.
Witkoff's a real estate developer, and he's buddies with Trump.
And basically, he's new to diplomacy, Witkoff.
He hasn't done anything like this before.
But Trump was like, you know, you go over there and carry this message to Netanyahu.
Tell him we're kind of done here.
We're done with this.
We cannot have this go on anymore.
We need a ceasefire deal.
And now Gaza's going to release the hostages.
And I'm going to tell you this, and now people are going to get mad at me for
saying this.
I want grateful hostages when they come out.
I want happy hostages.
And I want hostages ready to turn the page.
I do.
I do.
Even if you were in the hole for a year or two years, and I know it's not good,
and you have psychological issues, and things like that.
I know things were terrible.
But I'm telling you right now, I'm not personally in the mood to do hostage
trauma porn on every news show.
Call me insensitive.
I don't care.
I want a happy hostage.
Sorry.
I want a happy hostage.
I want a hostage who's ready to turn the page.
I don't want a hostage who's going to marinate in their misfortune in front of
all of us.
I'm sorry it happened.
I didn't do it.
But I want a happy hostage.
I want a happy hostage.
I want, I want, during the first, during the 42-day first phase, 33 of the
remaining women children,
elderly, and severely ill hostages will be released in exchange for roughly 1,000
Palestinian security prisoners.
Israel will partially withdraw from Gaza while helping facilitate the entry of
600 trucks of humanitarian aid into the Strip each day.
The second stage will see the release of the remaining living hostages and
conclude with a declaration of a permanent ceasefire.
The third phase will see the release of bodies still held by Hamas.
And the fourth phase will be Israel nuking Gaza.
That's phase four.
But I'm, when the hostages come out, and I know this has been a terrible ordeal
for them, and I'm not minimizing that.
I'm speaking only about the optics and the, I want, I just, I don't, I need, we
need to move on from this.
And I know the hostages are going to come out, and they're going to go on shows,
and they're going to talk about how terrible this has been.
And I understand that.
But I'm just asking, please, please, for the sake of moving on, is there any
way that we can just, you know, kind of feature the hostages where they are
more positive about their experiences,
they're slightly happier to move on?
There's got to be a few hostages that say, I wasn't doing a ton anyway.
There's got to be a few hostages that go, listen, this was an interesting
experience.
I don't, I didn't love every part of it.
This is what I want the hostages to say.
This is what I want them to say.
I want them to go, I didn't love every part of this, obviously.
It was something that came out of nowhere.
But it's fascinating, this whole thing, geopolitics.
I think it's very interesting.
I want a hostage to say something like that.
I don't want them to go, and there was rape, and there was, I just, I've had
enough of the problems over there,
seeping into my issues when I'm trying to have a lunch.
I want that one hostage to go, I'm telling you right now, I was sitting in a
room, and they were killing someone next to me,
and yes, it was tough, but this whole thing, this labyrinth of tunnels, they
would kind of take us from here to there,
and a lot of people were scared because they didn't know if they were going to
die,
but I personally found it kind of interesting, the layout of it.
Just the layout of it in general was kind of interesting to me,
and then I started thinking really about this whole thing we're in, this whole
crazy world.
You know, one day I'm above ground, next day I'm in a tunnel, now I'm out,
and I've learned not to take things so seriously.
I hope there's a hostage that comes out who says,
I've learned through this whole ordeal to not take things so seriously.
I used to get really angry when my wife would burn the breakfast.
Now I don't care anymore.
It doesn't, you know what I mean?
Like, I'm just hoping we find that hostage.
We got to find that hostage who's kind of easy come, easy go with it,
where you go, now tell us about your ordeal, and they go, listen, I got to be
honest with you,
there's a lot of people that were obviously v