Name: The D.C. Plane Crash & RFK’s Hearing | The Tim Dillon Show #429
Uploaded: 2025-02-01T17:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The D.C. Plane Crash & RFK’s Hearing | The Tim Dillon Show #429' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The D.C. Plane Crash & RFK’s Hearing | The Tim Dillon Show #429' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-01. Transcript available.

The D.C. Plane Crash & RFK’s Hearing | The Tim Dillon Show #429

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
Very sad.
I want to talk about this.
Obviously, up top, so many people are flooding into my inbox
and saying to me, you predicted this plane crash,
which was obviously terrible.
We're not making jokes about it.
We did that on the Patreon, patreon.com Tim Dillon Show,
but not about the plane crash, about the CEO statement,
which was bizarre.
It was just bizarre.
The CEO was like, it was run, it was, he was like,
it was American Eagle.
He goes, it was operated by whatever.
And then he goes, and that is a wholly owned subsidiary
of American Air.
Like, it was like, it just felt odd to get into the corporate structure
of the actual carrier.
But it's tragic, obviously, a Black Hawk helicopter collided
with the plane on final approach into DCA, Reagan National
Airport in Washington, DC.
I don't usually fly into Reagan.
I have.
But usually, I've, you know, the many times I've been to DC,
the majority of them I've driven.
It's not an airport that I know particularly well.
I called my guy, my private jet guy, and he kind of filled me in
on that approach that they were doing, which is a pretty common approach
because they don't want you flying over the Pentagon or the White House.
And then you're coming in.
And there are a lot of helicopter training exercises being done.
It was actually one the night before this happened where a plane had to,
and I read about this, a plane had to abort a landing because of a helicopter
that was flying very low.
And that happened literally 24 hours before this plane tragically crashed
into the Potomac.
So it's not a new problem.
And it just underscores what I've been saying about flying,
that if you fly in America, you're going to die.
There's no other way to say it.
You're going to die, maybe not now, maybe not this particular flight
you're listening to this podcast on, but you will die.
And you'll probably die horribly by plunging into freezing cold water.
And there's nothing you can do about it.
There's absolutely nothing you can do about it except embrace that as a fact.
Every plane I get onto, I think I'm going to die.
It is the healthiest way to think.
This is it.
The fact that I'm going right now to perform in Milwaukee
is the choice I have made, and I'm going to die.
And when the plane lands, you have cheated death.
You have cheated it.
When those wheels hit the runway, you have cheated death.
Not forever, momentarily.
Because everyone in aviation is shot.
And that's why I predicted this, because every person that I have seen
from the flight attendants to the pilots to the gate agents
to that guy who fucking pulls out that hose and gases up the plane,
all of them are shot.
Many of them are convicts.
Felons.
They are shot.
These are people who are at the end of their rope.
They are treated poorly.
They are not paid as well as they should be.
They are exhausted.
They are overworked.
They are dealing with the American public,
which has become an increasingly unruly group.
And they're dealing with these psychopaths,
30,000 feet in the air, who want to change their seat,
who are screaming and yelling.
Many of them sneak on.
They try to sneak on the plane.
They don't even have.
These are sick people, 30,000 feet in the air.
There are fights.
People are vaping.
And they're blowing the smoke in the face of a baby.
And then these people have to be the first line of defense.
They have to go and say,
can you stop vaping and blowing it on that baby's head?
And then they get hit.
There are air marshals.
People are being dragged off planes.
It is a hellish nightmare in the air.
There are drones.
There are helicopters.
There are private planes.
There are other things going on.
There are kids in the suburbs with laser pointers
trying to down these things for fun
because they're bored.
Because they're bored.
Okay?
There is, you are going to die in a plane.
There's no other way to say it.
That trip to Disney World will be your last.
It is crazy.
Wichita to fucking D.C.
Nobody thought.
Nobody thought.
And it sucks.
And it's terrible.
But it's the, it's, it's terrible now.
I mean, the best case is you get black mold
like that Delta flight and you start vomiting.
The best case on an airliner right now
is you get norovirus is the best case on a plane.
The best case on a plane is that
your literal best case on a plane right now
is that they will not let it take off
because a schizophrenic has gone insane.
Pray a schizophrenic loses their mind on your flight
and they have to take it to the gate.
That's the best case.
When the wheels leave the ground, you're dead.
Because no one's paying attention.
Because no one's paying attention.
They're drunk.
The pilots and the flight attendants are drug addicts.
When they have a day off, they just do drugs.
I've asked them.
This is what they do.
They go to parties and do molly.
And that's fine.
But a lot of them are still coming down on the plane.
So the best case scenario is when you are sitting on the tarmac,
pray to God someone starts screaming.
Maybe you be the person who starts screaming.
If you don't hear someone screaming on your plane,
you start screaming so that they will not let that plane leave the ground
and they take it back to the gate,
the best thing you can hear on a plane right now is we are,
hello, ladies and gentlemen.
This is your captain speaking.
We are going back to the gate because of a security issue.
Good.
I'm going home.
It's over.
You're not killing me and my family today.
I'm going home.
Thank God for this psychopath.
If it's not a, you start screaming.
The next time you're on a plane, I want you to sit in the back.
And when they go, well, the door is closed and we're ready.
Start screaming, yelling about Gaza, whatever you want.
Start screaming about the ceasefire.
Yell about the ceasefire on the plane so they take it back to the gate.
They're going to kill you.
They're going to kill you.
And one of the military, stop with the helicopter drill.
What's going on all the time?
Stop it.
It was terrible what happened to these people.
I'm not making light of it.
I'm simply saying that you're taking your life in your hands
when you get on a fucking plane.
I'm serious.
Stop with the statistics all the time.
Well, actually, statistically, it's the safest way to...
Is it?
Is it statistically the safest way?
Hey, do you think they were saying that in the Potomac?
Were they talking about the statistics in a river?
It's not.
It's not.
Statistically, it's not.
I've been in five car accidents, by the way.
Many of them I've caused.
But the point is, how many...
You find the guy that's in five plane crashes.
I'll talk to him.
I've been in head-on collisions.
Me and a fat secretary, I made a left from the right lane.
We were getting money to get a Vicodin in Long Island.
We had a head-on collision in the car Pepsi can, and she had a big...
Her head hit the dashboard, and she had a massive balloon-sized welt on her
head
that filled up with blood.
And it was fine.
She's fine.
We're all fine.
You see what I mean?
That's not the way it works in a plane.
You can get in accidents.
I had sun blindness once, because I was high, and my grandmother's Ford Focus
in the parking lot of Nassau Community College.
Sun blindness means the sun refracts or reflects, whatever, I don't know,
off the sun and blinds you.
The sun, oh, I'm sorry, refracts off the snow, and you just can't see anything.
You're blind.
And I was high, and I, 35 miles an hour, accelerated into the back of another
car,
and then I just left.
I left because I was high.
And I'm fine.
And that person's fine, probably.
Everyone's fine, is what I mean.
Most car accidents are fine.
Some of them are actually fun.
Some of them are actually good, and they give you a jolt of adrenaline.
You could go on about your day.
Most of the time, it's fine.
Insurance companies pay out.
Most of the time, it's fine.
Plane crashes are a, they're definitive.
It's over.
There's no second chance.
You don't get pulled out of the Potomac and go on a, and start, you know,
that one thing, that fucking miracle in the Hudson ruined everything.
Because everybody thought that, like, the worst thing could happen, and some
folksy airline pilot will land you safely in the Hudson River, and then you get
to go on David Letterman.
That's not what happens.
That's not what happens.
They are looking for your fingers.
That's what really happens.
There's a diver going, I found a knee.
That's what happens.
You don't land safely in the Hudson River, because folksy, Sully Sullenberger.
Sully Sullenberger.
I'm just saying, I'm saying, really think now if you're going to fly.
I have to fly for my fucking job, and I don't want to.
But where are you people going?
Where the hell are you going?
Oh, you're going to a bachelorette party?
Stay home.
You're going to die.
You're going to die.
Crash the economy.
Stay home.
Stay home.
Drive.
Take Amtrak.
No one wants to take Amtrak.
People would rather die than take Amtrak.
I realize that.
But there are some nice routes that are very nice with Amtrak.
When you walk into an airport now, just know you are in, it is a hospice.
You are in your final resting place.
That little Starbucks sous vide egg bite will be the last thing you put down
your throat,
and they will find it on the autopsy inside of you.
They're going to kill you.
They're going to kill you.
Air traffic controllers are so absent.
They let one of them leave early.
I read that.
One of the air traffic controllers, they let them leave early.
So there was one controller.
What did that person have to do?
What did the air traffic controller have to do?
I hope it weighs heavily on their conscience.
Here we go.
A superior allowed an air traffic controller to leave before the crash.
The duties of handling air traffic control for helicopters and those for planes
at Reagan
National Airport on Wednesday night were combined before the deadly crash
between an Army Blackhawk helicopter and an American Airlines regional jet.
According to a person briefed, make that a little bigger if you could, the left,
that left one air traffic controller handling dual roles.
Dual roles.
Okay?
Dual roles.
According to the person briefed who was not authorized to speak publicly about
the investigation into the crash.
And I hope that person who left early weighs on their conscience because I
would have been that person.
But it wouldn't have weighed on my conscience because I'm a strong person.
And if you're going to leave jobs early and perform in a way that endangers
other people as I have my entire life, you have to live with it.
I was a terrible lifeguard.
People, we missed saves.
They were all fine.
The parents jumped in and got them.
The point is this, I, because of my negligence in my jobs, have endangered many
people.
And the worst has never happened.
But if it did happen because I'm a strong person, I would have been able to
handle it.
I would have been able, I left early.
I left early.
I wasn't even there.
I literally would be saying to people, I was not even there.
I was not even there when that happened.
Had I been there, it would have been okay.
I'm a strong person.
This person probably isn't.
It's weighing on their fucking conscience.
It's weighing on their conscience that they left early.
It's a whole thing now.
Their whole life's been completely changed.
I would have been fine with it.
I would have said, yeah, I left early because I wanted to watch YouTube videos
on my couch and everyone died.
But shit happens.
But this person's probably crying at some fucking work, some fucking therapist
that their job pays for.
Own your decisions and own your life.
It's terrible what happened.
But you left early because you're a bum and own that.
Typically, the tasks of handling helicopter traffic and managing the planes are
divided from 10 a.m. to 9.30 p.m. at the airport, according to the preliminary
report.
After 9.30, the duties are normally combined with traffic lessons.
But an air traff