Name: Delta Payoffs & The Hamas Parade | The Tim Dillon Show #432
Uploaded: 2025-02-22T17:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Delta Payoffs & The Hamas Parade | The Tim Dillon Show #432' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Delta Payoffs & The Hamas Parade | The Tim Dillon Show #432' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-22. Transcript available.

Delta Payoffs & The Hamas Parade | The Tim Dillon Show #432

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
We are here every week for you, rain or shine,
planes landing on their front or on their back.
$30,000, by the way.
That's what Delta, that's what the criminals at Delta think it's worth
if you land upside down like Batman the Ride from Great Adventure.
If you remember that as a kid, I was in the commercial for Batman the Ride
when I was like, I don't know, 11 or something,
and I went on it like six times in a row, and it was great.
And you would hang upside down, and that was fun,
but you signed up for that.
Show the people Batman the Ride.
Remember that?
That's when life was simple and good.
You would go to Six Flags Great Adventure,
and you'd go on Batman the Ride.
That was your goal when you were 13 years old.
Not to better understand Hitler, which is now what 13-year-olds are doing.
But what was he like?
Let's just go to Great Adventure.
Stop talking about Hitler all the time.
You're 14.
But why did he do the things he did?
Don't you ever wonder that?
Enough!
Let's go on the scream machine.
So, Batman the Ride was a good ride.
And my point is, if you're on a Delta flight, okay,
and it lands upside down,
you should get more than $30,000.
You should get to fly free for the rest of your life
on that shit airline,
which is a shit airline, Delta.
It is shit.
By the way, like all American carriers,
they're shit.
And they treat you like garbage.
And they treat their employees like garbage.
And their employees, in turn,
treat you like garbage.
Everyone's treating everyone like garbage.
And the only reason you tolerate
being treated like garbage
on an American carrier
is because you look at the employees
and they look like they're being tortured too.
You go, well, they look horrible.
That woman has frazzled hair
and she's old
and she's limping down the aisle
and she's a cunt.
But you know what?
You go, she's had a horrible life.
So, I'll tolerate her being a bitch to me
because her life sucks.
It is a terrible, terrible, terrible thing
to travel in this country.
And you should get to fly free.
Delta should go,
we will give you a ticket.
You now, for the rest of your miserable lives,
get to fly free on our shit airline
that may or may not land.
But you're in it for free.
You don't have to pay
to see a woman,
a flight attendant with lupus,
tell you that there's no more of the beef entree
and you have to take the chicken bowl,
whatever the fuck that is.
So, I mean,
let's get a nice video up of this accident
and I want to see the landing
and I want to see the plane flip over.
$30,000.
And Delta goes,
oh, we'll give it to you with no strings attached.
You're damn right you will, you whore.
It's 30 grand.
It's nothing.
I'm hanging from the ceiling of the plane
because you flipped it over.
$30,000 cannot do any.
Now, I know I'm out of touch.
Whatever.
Don't comment.
$30,000 is actually a good amount of money.
No, it's not.
Not when you're almost dead, you dummy.
Demand something for your fucking meaningless,
worthless life.
Demand Delta.
Delta's got more money than God.
They can pay you more money.
They almost killed you.
They almost killed you on their shit plane.
You were coming from Minneapolis to Toronto.
You have a horrible life.
Unless you were living in Toronto
and escaping Minneapolis.
But whatever.
Take this opportunity.
This is the defining moment of your life.
Delta should give you everything they fucking have.
Look at this.
Let's watch this.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, no, no, no.
Who the fuck is watching it?
Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, no, no, no.
There you go.
$30,000, by the way.
$30,000.
Play, and I have it on my Instagram.
If you can't find it anywhere else,
there is a video of the people
hopping out of the plane.
Okay?
It's on my Instagram.
I've set it to some music,
and that music is going to get us in trouble.
So don't use the music.
Here it is.
Now, this is the people.
This is what Delta thinks $30,000 makes up for.
You're being evacuated from the plane,
and one of the flight attendants is smiling while she's doing this
because they want this to happen,
and she's sick,
and she's actually happy this happened.
And you should be, too.
You should be suing the fuck out of Delta.
If you have any lawyer that is at all a competent lawyer,
they're telling you to tell Delta,
fuck you, $30,000.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
I landed upside down.
Are you fucking nuts?
Are you fucking nuts?
$30,000?
Because the plane landed upside down,
and it went on fire.
At the last minute of the flight,
you think it's all good,
and it's not.
Now, let's get one of the passengers up describing this.
These people are entirely too calm.
They're entirely too calm,
and they're going to fuck their lawsuit up if they don't.
When I was a kid,
we learned one thing and one thing only.
You sue.
You sue, Morgan and Morgan.
You sue no matter what.
It was drilled into our heads.
We had a pool in my backyard.
It was in ground.
Sorry.
Sorry.
We had nothing else.
My mother was a nut.
My father was a musician,
but we somehow had an in-ground pool.
Not above ground.
It was in the ground.
My mother taught swimming lessons there.
And she said,
if somebody slips and falls on our pool deck,
we're going to get sued.
Do you understand that, they would say to me?
Do you understand that?
If you or one of your fat little friends
falls on our pool deck,
we lose this house.
They said it to me every night.
They said it every night.
If you,
if a kid punched another kid,
there would be a lawsuit.
If you injured yourself
on a camping trip with another family,
there would be a lawsuit.
Everything you did,
there would be a lawsuit.
Immediately.
One of my friends,
I forget,
he hurt himself.
It wasn't even serious.
Okay.
But literally immediately,
after helping him,
my mother in the kitchen
was screaming,
we're going to get sued now.
Now we're going to get sued.
I grew up with the fear
of litigation.
The fear of litigation.
It is the most American thing
to sue someone.
You bring them to court
and you take what they have.
It is American.
As American as apple pie.
When you were wronged
by one of these companies,
you sue the shit out of them.
People sue their friends in this.
I know people that are in litigation
with people they are friends with
because lawsuits are good
and they make us who we are.
Do you understand that out there?
Can you fucking get that
through your head?
Without lawyers and lawsuits,
we are nothing.
We don't even know who we are.
We exist to sue each other
and the companies we can.
If you can take what someone else has,
you have to do it.
You sue them.
You serve them papers.
Don't try it with me.
I got great lawyers.
I got great First Amendment attorneys.
Don't you try it with me,
Meghan Markle.
I'll get in a high-profile
legal battle with you tonight.
Don't try it with me,
you hussy.
Now, look at this fool.
Play the fool.
What are you doing?
Were you injured?
Just tell me how you're doing.
I'm doing all right.
No.
My back is a little sore,
but other than that,
I'm pretty relatively okay
considering the circumstances.
No, you're not.
Still kind of taking it all in.
Yes, you are.
Mental anguish.
Otherwise, yeah,
I'm doing all right.
You're not.
No one died, so...
Shut up.
I'm grateful for that.
Who cares?
They could have.
For sure.
What are you grateful for,
you idiot?
This is how dumb they are.
Shut that off for a minute.
Pause that for a minute.
What are you grateful for?
What are you grateful for?
The plane flipped off.
God help them interview me.
God help them interview me.
I saw God at the end.
I saw God,
and he said you weren't ready,
but God said someone should pay for this.
These fools,
you're being handed a pot of gold.
Shut up.
I haven't been the same since the accident.
I cannot say...
Ask me,
just ask me,
how have you been holding up?
How have you been holding up?
I'm going to be a person
who was in the accident.
How have you been holding up?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Every moment,
I feel it.
I feel it.
I feel the flipping.
I feel the burning.
I smell the smoke.
My body doesn't work anymore,
and my mind doesn't work,
and they're severed.
It severed my body from my mind.
The accident severed my body from my mind.
I feel as if I'm watching myself.
That might be too much in hindsight.
That might be...
That might...
I got to find the middle ground.
The problem with me with the acting
is I go hard.
I go hard.
I leave it on the field.
I leave it all on the field,
but that might be too much,
but it's somewhere between what I just did
and what he just did
because he needs...
This guy needs money.
What?
He's got a ramen shirt?
What is that?
What's he doing?
What kind of shirt is that?
Is this a magazine?
This guy needs money.
He's a sweet guy.
Here's the thing.
People have these near-death experiences.
They always learn the wrong lessons.
Let me educate some of you fools, okay?
Everybody learns the wrong lessons.
All these people go to Sedona, Arizona
and take shrooms
and have all these realizations.
I go to Sedona, Arizona,
take shrooms and go,
why isn't there a Four Seasons?
Why aren't we building?
You know what I mean?
You gotta...
We're in the world that we're in.
Stop pretending we're in this other realm.
If there is one and we get there,
great.
We'll deal with it then.
But right now,
we're in the earth, okay?
And on the earth,
we got lawsuits, okay?
Stop having these transcendental moments
with the news anchor
on the fucking Canadian broadcasting company.
Get your lawyer
and sue the shit out of these people.
All of these people
have these near-death experiences
and then they all go,
well, it made me realize
to appreciate life.
No, no, no, no.
You were wronged.
You were owed.
Point blank.
I'm just happy I'm here.
No, no!
You're getting it all wrong.
You're supposed to hold their feet
to the fire.
It's Delta.
They don't care about it.
You're a terrible company.
They're terrible people.
They're terrible.
They torture their employees.
They don't care about anything.
It's crazy.
This is like
if someone kidnapped you
and kept you in a shed
for a month
and then they interviewed you
and you're like,
well, all's well
that ends well.
That's not, no.
Let's see what else
this bum has to say.
These bums don't deserve money
if they don't know
how to fucking work it.
Work it!
Maybe just start from
as the plane is approaching.
Tell us what happened.
So, upon approaching the runway
there was...
I didn't seem to think
anything felt off.
Good.
You know, like physically
with the plane.
Right.
There was no warning
that anything was wrong either.
It came as a surprise.
To my knowledge
or as far as
going in
I thought we were
just about to land
and everything was going
to be completely fine.
So, it wasn't until
we actually like
wheels hit the ground
that I,
that anything
was off
and then obviously
that was just when
it all kind of happened.
So, we hit the ground.
Yeah.
Start to go
on the right side
of the plane.
Slid on the right side
for a little bit
and then ended up
upside down
hanging,
hanging by the seatbelts.
So, this whole,
were you on the right side
of the plane
or the left side of the plane?
Okay, this anchor's so dumb.
Alright, enough of this.
Get rid of this.
I can't.
God, Canada.
Canada's got some
real dummies up there.
No offense.
It's the end game
of socialism in Canada
by the way.
It's just,
everything's just
a corporate sterile hell.
And obviously I know
it's not fully socialist
or whatever,
but I'm just saying
this is what you get.
You just walk by places
that go wine bar,
pizza,
warm place.
Do you want to go
to warm place?
Do you like warm place?
It's just all,
and this is the citizenry,
by the way.
This is what you get up there.
Wow.
And the plane
was doing good
and then it exploded.
And then the news anchor's like,
so,
were you,
did you have the snack
on the plane?
Did you partake
of the cookie?
It's like,
it's just the most banal,
and I just got back
from Canada.
We did a bunch of theaters
up there.
I love it.
Vancouver's stunning.