Name: Andrew Schulz | The Tim Dillon Show #436
Uploaded: 2025-03-22T16:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Andrew Schulz | The Tim Dillon Show #436' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-03-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Andrew Schulz | The Tim Dillon Show #436' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-03-22. Transcript available.

Andrew Schulz | The Tim Dillon Show #436

Andrew Schultz is with us.
Your new special out on Netflix right now.
Yes, sir.
Title.
Life.
Life.
Life.
You did a huge tour, arena tour all over the world.
A lot of Middle Eastern countries.
A lot.
You're loved there.
A lot.
You fill.
Yeah, I'm the only Schultz allowed in the Middle East.
You do stadiums in like, in the wildest.
You'll be like in a soccer stadium in like Bahrain.
You're like Qatar.
It's wild.
Well, if you do a decade of like women are annoying jokes, you really can gratiate
yourself.
A decade of bitch get in the kitchen.
People start to go, we like this guy.
What is different?
Is there anything different about doing comedy over there?
Honestly, they're all educated in America.
It's like more similar to doing, like you've done Europe, right?
Yeah.
And you know how like there's, they're like aware of shit, but they also have
their own TV shows.
So like they, they're also not aware.
Yeah.
Whereas in the Middle East, like they get all of our shit because they're not
making their
own TV shows really.
Right.
So they're way more aware of, you know, just random references.
And like, they all get educated here and not at fucking NYU.
Do you get a talk?
Is there any, cause I've never done anything over there.
I told them, don't tell me.
So they come to you like live nation comes to you and then they'll come to your
manager
and shit.
And they'll, they'll say, Hey, and I just say, just don't tell me.
Don't say X, Y, Z.
Just don't tell me.
Gotcha.
Okay.
But I just don't want to know.
Cause that was my question.
Is there something where they go, don't, Hey.
Yeah.
I mean, don't talk about Mo.
Like, I think that's like the basic rule.
What's that?
Muhammad.
Like you can't.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But like, I even had some like, I thought you meant Mo Amra.
I'm like, he's that big that they threaten you.
They're like, do not speak about him.
I'm like, that's interesting.
But that makes sense.
But besides that, like I had jokes about like Muslims and shit like that.
They were cool with it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They've all, they all went to school at like central Tennessee state.
Like they know.
Is that true?
Yeah.
They know America, America.
Right.
Okay.
So they're, they're not at all like, uh, worried about it.
Yeah.
Interesting.
I was in Abu Dhabi though.
So it's maybe a little different than if you're going to, you know, Saudi
Arabia.
I want to do, I want to just do, cause I'm not going to be able to sell the
tickets you
sell, but I want to do Pakistan.
Like put me in real kind of small, radical, I want, I don't want any Western.
I want radical places where I can go where it's like real deal nightmare.
Did you, did you cover the story of the chick from Brooklyn who was in Pakistan?
She was the story in Pakistan.
Well, you know, it's amazing and get, get some of her up because that's, to me,
is what the Costco family should have been.
Okay.
Like that woman that, you know, you know, the Costco, obviously the cookie
people, double
chunk chocolate cookie.
Oh, uh, the, the boom or whatever.
The Bafumos.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
AJ and big justice and the whole gang.
Yeah.
To me, it's my Costco family was this woman who went to meet a dude in Pakistan
and they're
all being nice to her.
They're buying a McDonald's.
Like the Pakistani people kind of absorbed this.
They thought it was amazing.
They welcomed her.
Yeah.
And she went over to meet a man.
Yeah.
And then she wanted 50 grand.
Yeah.
To fix Pakistan though.
She was like, give me 50 grand.
I'm going to fix the roads, the railways.
Yeah.
We're fixing Pakistan.
That's a crazy crazy.
We're building airports and she just met a dude online.
Yeah.
Then she catfished.
And then, so when she, he was down until she pulled up.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He thought she was different.
Yeah.
He thought she was a different thing.
Yeah.
Yeah.
This woman.
Yeah.
I mean, she looks so cool.
I love the way she looks.
She just has like a, get a video of her up because she's making demands of the
Pakistani government
where she's like, I saw her sitting over there.
Yeah.
There you go.
American woman who arrived in Karachi.
Did they, did they flew her home?
I think they flew her to Dubai and then something happened in Dubai.
She might've got detained.
I could only tolerate that for so long before, you know.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Here she is.
An amazing woman.
Paper.
That y'all going to give us money tomorrow.
All by the ending of this week.
We need 50K.
Music.
We need 50K.
It's the most American thing to show up to another country and then ask for
money to fix
their country.
There's nothing more American than showing up going like, I'd like to fix your
country.
Why?
That's so funny.
Like, why did we react like she was doing something so crazy?
No, this is all we do.
This is Iraq.
This is Iraq.
This is Syria.
This is Afghanistan.
This is Afghanistan.
We're just like, you need our shit.
Yeah.
You just need what we got.
And we just need a hundred grand.
That's all we need.
We need a little money to give you what you want.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And that's what we do.
That's our game.
Can I ask you a question, Tim?
Have you spoken on your show about your recent photo shoot?
Have you talked about it yet?
No.
The one in California?
Yeah.
The California photo shoot.
Because I saw it proliferating the internet and I was incredibly impressed.
You know, people don't think of me as a model, but the definitions are changing.
And I wanted to go down and see the devastation of the California wildfires.
Yeah.
And because, again, I sold my home here.
I was lucky enough not to have a house burned down, but that doesn't matter.
It doesn't really matter because like a casino, anything can happen to anyone
at any time.
I've paid taxes here.
I've lived here.
I've participated in this culture.
Yeah.
I wanted to kind of spend some time with the nightmarish reality of what fire
can do.
So I went down there and the National Guard has stopped you in the Palisades.
Right.
And they stopped you going into Malibu and you got to have, you got to take out
your license
and you got to have a good line of shit.
And so you had, how'd you get in?
What was the-
My producer is sitting in the front row of the front seat of my car and he
looked like
a junkie because he's from California.
So they look like drug addicts.
They have long hair and they have a stupid look to them and they're all glazed
over.
And I, and I, he actually said to me, he goes, just say you're dropping me off
at
a sober living.
And I go, wow.
So we stopped, the National Guard guy stopped us and he goes, what are you
doing?
I said, we're taking, we're taking this kid to a sober living.
And they were like, good for you.
And I went, yeah, it is.
Yeah.
It is actually.
And then we drove there and I just started taking some photos, um, in the wreckage,
which
I think we can find pretty easily.
Yeah.
They were nice.
I mean.
Any specific homes?
Like were they, uh, famous people's homes?
No, they were just, no, they were just things that I saw that caught my eye.
I don't think they'll ever rebuild it there.
I don't think, uh, we, they will ever, um, I don't think they will ever like, I
mean, people
are saying that they'll rebuild it, but do, would you rebuild it?
Would you build another $20 million house in an area where that could happen?
Okay.
All this is so interesting that you're going to say this.
I was talking to the all in guys earlier and, uh, I think it was Chamath was
saying
this, like this idea that there, there's like a home on like 0.4 acres that's
worth
a hundred million dollars.
It's crazy.
There's just these crazy ideas that we need to completely rethink.
Get rid of.
I agree with you.
And they were, you know, speaking in economic terms that are like far beyond
like my understanding
of shit, but just this idea that like.
It's far beyond their understanding.
All right.
Fair enough.
The all in people.
But, uh.
I'm kidding.
I like them.
I like those criminals.
But they, they said an interesting thing and you probably know about this from
your time
doing mortgages or whatever that like, like pushing the American dream of like
purchasing
a home.
Yeah.
Right.
And that the, I guess the U S government has inflated, uh, I'm going to say
inflated the
market, but in an effort to push people and support that market and essentially
not letting
that market fail, which it would suck if it would fail.
Obviously they've inflated the prices of these homes and essentially priced out
the first
generation of people to buy homes for sure.
Now they're much more expensive.
They've done a lot of things.
It's the main thing in our country is the main dream is that everyone owns a
home.
Yes.
So number one, we're one of the only countries with a 30 year fixed mortgage.
Nobody takes a loan out and gets 30 years of stability at one rate.
And the reason that we're able to do that is the government came up with these
things
called GSEs, government sponsored entities, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.
And they, they give what they call an implicit guarantee.
So they back it no matter what.
They back it.
And even though it's not explicit, it's like implicit, like you understand that
it's going
to be okay.
It creates a security necessary for the market.
Exactly.
So it allows a bank to go out and lend a 30 year fixed mortgage at a favorable
rate.
They also depress interest rates so that people can get in the game.
And then they create these asset bubbles where like houses are worth an absurd
amount of
money.
And you know, I mean, look at this, right?
So this is a car.
Yeah.
You know, people just left.
This is how quickly these things came on.
Yeah.
That's a Bentley burnt.
Go to the next photo.
That's someone's house.
You look slim.
Burnt.
I look great in that.
I really think you do.
Yeah.
I think that's a great photo of me.
And you know what?
It's worth whatever happened in the background.
I think so too.
And look, so take a look at all of this.
Here's my question.
Here's my issue.
You really start to realize once these houses are gone, it's kind of
interesting.
It's like LA when Hollywood is kind of died.
Yeah.
It's like, it's almost like this town is now like Cinderella.
You know, it turned into the pumpkin and she's like, so what?
It's a pumpkin.
And you're like, no bitch, it's supposed to be a carriage.
We're supposed to believe it's a carriage.
Yeah.
You look at that shoreline.
I don't think anything on that's worth anything.
Isn't it funny?
Straight up.
You look at that and you go, what the fuck is Malibu?
Somebody paid $80 million to live here.
Somebody spent $70 million to live on that shoreline with that gray water and
that overcast sky.
It's like when crypto hits zero and you just go, oh yeah, that's how much it
should be.
Right.
And then the only reason Malibu was ever Malibu was because Hollywood was in LA.
So you want it to be two hours or an hour or an hour and a half, depending on
where you were from the epicenter of Hollywood.
Yeah.
And now you're like, well, if Hollywood's not centered in LA and it doesn't
have this, then Malibu, it's still, it's Malibu might not be Malibu anymore.
Yeah.
People might just go, fuck it.
I'm going to get, I'm going to get a beautiful home in Mexico.
I'm going to get a beautiful home in the islands.
I'm going to go somewhere else because the world now is smaller and people are
more comfortable going other places.
They don't need to be an hour and a half.
So what do you think happens with LA?
Like, give me the next like five, 10 years.
It becomes, it could become a vassal state of China, meaning like, and I'm kind
of for that where Chinese billionaires come in and just buy all the real estate.
So like Vancouver.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's what it is.
Yeah.
Canada's the future of a lot of things.
Okay.
Canada, it's peaceful, it's calm.
Yeah.
No one's getting rich.
Yeah.
It's full socialism where people get mad at me for saying that, but I don't
mean in like the economic sense.
I understand that it's capitalist, whatever, blah, blah, blah, blah.
But I me