Name: Leaked Group Chats & Door Dash Debt | The Tim Dillon Show #437
Uploaded: 2025-03-29T16:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Leaked Group Chats & Door Dash Debt | The Tim Dillon Show #437' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-03-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Leaked Group Chats & Door Dash Debt | The Tim Dillon Show #437' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-03-29. Transcript available.

Leaked Group Chats & Door Dash Debt | The Tim Dillon Show #437

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
Great to be back with you here.
Lots of fun being had by all.
Great episode with Andrew Schultz out.
If you haven't seen that yet, you should check that out.
A lot of people enjoyed it.
Thank you for the kind words.
What is going on with these group texts?
I'm telling you, I'm telling you, and I've told you before, I'll tell you again.
Get out of these group texts.
They are fucking you up.
They're fun when you're 23.
As you get older, you have to extricate yourself from the group text, by the
way.
You have to severely limit your, or rather people's access to you as you get
older.
It's not a free-for-all anymore.
It can't be.
For your own sake, for your own safety, for the sake of your own mental health,
you cannot just have unlimited access to you.
You have to, it can't be, your phone cannot be going off every minute of every
second.
It will not work.
You must limit the exposure.
There's always someone in a group text who's way too into it.
There's always someone in it who's not into it at all.
There's always someone side-texting you.
There's always someone weirdly offended in a group text about something.
And you're like, no, the whole point of a group text is to talk all kinds of
shit that would get us thrown in jail if it were to ever leak.
That's the point of a group text.
But it's not fun.
It's evidence.
It's mountains and mountains of evidence on somebody's phone.
Someone's always showing the group text to other people that are not in the
text.
I mean, there's legendary group text.
I've been a part of some of them.
But at the end of the day, you got to get yourself out of them.
You have to get yourself out before something like this happens.
It's bound to happen.
Now, I don't even know what this was.
I don't even know if I believe what this is.
That the National Security Advisor, this guy Mike Waltz, added Jeffrey Goldberg
of the Atlantic to a group text
where Vance, Gabbard, Hegseth, and others on Signal were talking about military
plans.
Number one, why am I not in it?
Why am I not in it?
I'm friends with two out of those people.
I'm friends with Vance and Gabbard.
Why am I not in the text?
I could be hilarious in it.
All the time, I'd be funny.
And I wouldn't add anyone into it.
Apparently, this journalist, Jeffrey Goldberg of the Atlantic, who's a massive,
you know, critic of the administration,
is in this group text on Signal, and they're all texting the plans for the,
what are we even?
The Houthis.
We're bombing the Houthis, and I'm bullish on that.
I like that because the thing about the Houthis is no one really cares.
We're not committed.
We're not going to be.
The thing about, we need to bomb someone.
We need it.
We need it now.
We've needed it.
We need it.
We'll need it in the future, always and forever.
We need to be bombing someone.
We just need to.
There's nothing to do if we're not.
There's nothing to do if we're not.
The Pentagon's got a budget of like a quadrillion dollars.
What do you do when you sit down to work on Monday morning?
If you are not launching an attack at someone, there's genuinely nothing to do.
There's nothing to do if you're not at war with someone somewhere.
You got to be.
And the Houthis are a decent target because they move around a lot.
They're on the sea.
They're disrupting trade.
They're doing things.
They're like lovable little scamps.
I mean, they're not lovable per se, but one of them, that hot one was.
Remember the hot one?
They compared to Chalamet, that guy.
And they're doing a lot of stuff on social media, the Houthis.
I think that's what they're mostly doing.
I think they're just posting, really.
I think they're more social media stuff than anything else.
That's what they're really doing.
They're out there like tagging shit.
It's like old school graffiti, fuck you, down with Israel, stuff like that.
I don't know what they're actually doing.
Yeah, there's the hot one.
There's the Chalamet one, you know.
But that's where we're focusing our attention is like blowing the shit out of
them.
Because they are fucking some stuff up on the sea for like the Chinese and for
us.
And they're backed by Lebanon, I think.
They're a militia.
But not officially.
Hezbollah is the real Lebanese militia.
And the Houthis are, oh, they're backed by Iran.
And they're part of the axis of resistance.
Good.
God is great.
Death to, God is the greatest.
Death to America.
Death to Israel.
Curse be upon the Jews.
Victory to Islam is the main political slogan of the Houthi movement.
And so they're out there and they're, you know, some would say that's extreme.
Some would say that view is extreme.
And we're bombing them because they got to get bombed.
You can't pop shit like that and not get bombed.
You have to get bombed.
That's our job.
As much of a pass.
I don't want to be in a war, but I want people to get bombed.
That's the fact.
And if you don't like it, then fuck you.
I want people to get bombed.
Because without that, they will piss in our face.
We have not made a good movie in fucking forever.
We have nothing going on.
We have to bomb people to just get attention now.
There's nothing left.
There's nothing left here in this country.
So that's it.
And if people pop shit, they have to get bombed.
But we shouldn't commit troops.
We shouldn't, uh, no regime change.
Stop building malls there.
None of that works.
Just bomb them from the skies.
Rain hell on them.
Whatever.
It's fine.
If they're good.
They want it.
They want it.
That's the whole point of it all.
They do that.
We do that.
It's a whole thing.
We, it needs to happen.
No one's suggesting that it's not happening.
Everyone in this government's doing it.
We'll do it.
Bernie, AOC, they're, you, you listening.
If you were in it, everyone would do it.
There's nothing else to do.
There's no, what would you do?
You'd get to the government, you'd go, you go to the government, you order
lunch.
They go, all right, that'll be here in about 45.
You go, cool.
You wash your hands a few times.
Then you're going to start drone striking people.
There's nothing else to do.
There is not one other thing to do at all, except steal a little money from old
people.
But, and that's, they're running out of that.
So you have to bomb people.
And you got to talk about it with the other people in the government.
Because that's literally your job.
There's nothing else to do.
Where, where's Frank?
I don't know.
We're bombing them at noon.
And you go into the text and you go, we're going, we're triangulating on their
position.
We're going to bomb them.
And, and then you eat a salad.
You're eating a salad while you're doing this.
You're, you're, you're, you're texting the group chat about the bombings.
The bomb, because we had, there's no other way.
Don't even imagine, don't even entertain there being another way.
There's no other way.
So you're, you're bombing them and, and it's, you're sitting at your desk and
you're just ordered.
And literally, you can look at your secretary and go, what, what is that salad
I like?
It's the, it's, it's Mediterranean.
It's from a Mediterranean.
It's Mediterranean.
That salad I like.
But I don't, I don't want, they put too much onion.
I don't want that.
And then she orders it for you.
And then in the group text, you say, we're going to bomb them at 2 a.m. our
time.
And, uh, you know, so here's what it says, right?
This is what the text says.
VP, building collapse, had multiple positive ID.
Pete, Carrilla, the IC, amazing job.
JD Vance goes, what?
I feel like he doesn't know what's going on.
Michael, I was typing too fast.
The first target, their top missile guy.
We had positive ID of him walking into his girlfriend's building and now it's
collapsed.
JD Vance, excellent.
CIA director, a good start.
Some other guy, Michael Waltz, fist, flag, fire.
Good job, Pete and your team.
Michael Waltz, the team in MAL did a great job as well.
SM, great work all, powerful start.
Pete Hegsath, might be drunk.
CENTCOM was, is on point.
Great job all, more strikes ongoing for hours tonight.
We'll provide full initial report tomorrow.
But on time, on target, and good readout so far.
Susie Wiles, Trump's chief of staff.
Kudos to all, most particularly those in theater and CENTCOM.
Really great, God bless.
Steve Whitcoff, that real estate developer who's trying to organize the Middle
East peace deal.
Prayer hands, muscle, two flags.
TG, great work in effects.
It's a group chat.
It's all it is.
It's people at work.
It's their job.
That's all it is here.
It's not, I'm telling you.
The problem with everything now is that people are convinced that everything is
really interesting.
And it has layers of meaning and everything.
And I'm a conspiracy guy.
And I've even, I don't even think it's that interesting anymore.
I think there's things that are interesting.
Like there's evil people doing horrible things, largely for money and control
and power.
And to satisfy their Machiavellian urges and sexual desires and whatever.
But this is just a group chat of people at work.
And this is all, this is what the American government does, which is just bomb
people constantly all day, every day.
And what are you, what are we not going to bomb them?
They're fucking with us.
They're doing shit.
So we're going to bomb them.
Trump's right about that.
Trump knows throw it up bombs because otherwise no one's doing anything.
There's nothing to do.
There's the government is not even real unless we're bombing.
So it's not even a real thing.
Like, yes, do I agree with all the Elon firings?
No, I think some of them are sloppy.
But here's the reality.
A lot of it's just not even real.
Like these people don't have jobs and they don't even exist.
They're not even real.
And they're being paid for by, by tax dollars to create these things that aren't
real, that don't exist.
So in order for our government to exist, we have to start bombing people and
then people are going to talk about it.
It's just like, if you worked, you know, if you worked at Chipotle, Chipotle,
is it the L-E at the end?
Because some people pronounce it the other way.
I don't, I agree.
It's Chipotle.
You're texting about, you know, oh, fucking, you know, that she's a cunt, that
dirty bitch.
People are going to get sick when she touches their food and stuff.
Because that's that business.
They hire some skank who's touching the food and you and your friends are in a
group text talking about what a dirty hoe she is that she's touching the rice.
That's this.
That's all, that's what this is.
That there isn't more to this.
And then people are going to like, oh, well, people are going to found out.
Well, so what?
So what?
Would anyone be shocked if they found out that we were bombing people?
I don't understand.
I mean, yeah, I guess it's bad because then the people, we're going to bomb
them.
And you're saying, oh, yeah, but our enemies could have found this out and tip
them off that they were getting bombed.
Yeah, maybe.
So we bomb them again.
We would just bomb them again.
This should be public.
This should not even be in a text.
That group text should just be on Fox News as the one that goes, you know, that
whatever it is on the bottom of the channel.
It should just be that.
Strike drones on target.
Can you imagine all the boomers going nuts, getting excited, just sitting in
their living rooms, eating lemon cake that their daughter brought them from
Starbucks?
And they're just going, going, going, the bombs are dropping.
They're dropping a bomb.
They're just all people.
People just want to get involved.
People just want to be involved.
I'm not outraged by this.
What are we outraged about?
Did everyone just realize we've dropped bombs on everyone?
Or did people text about it?
It's their fucking job.
That's all it is.
There's nothing.
Like, imagine a job review.
He goes, what are you guys doing?
And he goes, oh, we're just, are you not, you're not bombing anyone?
No.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Well, we got togethe