Name: Stay At Home Summer & Being A Good Guest | The Tim Dillon Show #439
Uploaded: 2025-04-12T16:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stay At Home Summer & Being A Good Guest | The Tim Dillon Show #439' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stay At Home Summer & Being A Good Guest | The Tim Dillon Show #439' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-12. Transcript available.

Stay At Home Summer & Being A Good Guest | The Tim Dillon Show #439

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
How are you?
I have a Netflix special coming out on Tuesday, April 15th.
What I'd like you to do right now, my little demon hose,
is go on the Netflix and hit the reminder
to be reminded that this special comes.
I don't care if your child is in anaphylactic shock.
Hit it with the epi.
I put the reminder on Netflix to be reminded to watch
when this special goes live.
It is Tuesday the 15th, right?
Yeah.
Tuesday, April 15th.
I'm in the midst of a press tour.
Is it Megyn Kelly's home today?
Lovely.
Lovely property.
And I'm all over the place,
going down to see Joe Rogan at Austin
and Tom and Christina and others.
So that would help out a lot if you...
put the reminder on Netflix.
What does it look?
Can you go to Netflix and show them how to do it?
Maybe people are confused.
You're going to love it.
It's very fun.
We have a fun promo that's coming out
that no one will be angry at at all.
I'll just say that.
This helicopter crash in the Hudson's driving me nuts
because, number one,
I'm not a devotee of the helicopter.
But I'll tell you this,
it is convenient as hell
every now and then to hop in a helicopter
from Manhattan and go to the Hamptons.
But you don't want to end up dead.
So,
it's becoming a problem.
I'm just saying,
it's...
flight
can't be for all people
anymore.
Everyone can't be in the air.
People that are in the air need...
It's got to be people
that deserve
to be in the air.
Not everyone
is not going to...
It's not for everyone.
Helicopter tours
need to go away.
What do you need to see?
New York is the most famous
man-made vista
in the world.
It is the most famous skyline
on Earth.
What do you...
You get...
Go to a
rooftop bar
and get a view.
Go to an observation deck.
Don't get in a helicopter
with your family.
You're taking a chance.
Especially the fucking
helicopter tours.
You don't know who the fuck
is in there.
Or what they're doing.
I'm telling you.
Enough with these summer vacations.
I'm predicting this summer
because of the market
instability
that people are going
to actually find ways
to have vacations
at their house.
It's called a staycation
where you don't
leave your home.
And your kids go,
are we going anywhere?
And you go,
shut up.
And you go,
well, actually,
John and his family
are going somewhere.
Go, yeah, yeah.
We got cleaned out.
We're fucked.
John's family owns property.
We're fucked here.
We got nothing.
Oh, they're going to the lake.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Good, good.
I hope he drowns.
I hope John drowns
in the lake with his family.
His father's a drunk.
He's always nice to me.
Shut up.
I have nothing.
This family has nothing.
That's the conversations
that will be happening
this summer
when the kids go,
are we going anywhere?
The answer is no,
we're not.
We're not going anywhere.
Kids are spoiled pieces of shit.
They're making you feel bad
about the economy.
They're the problem.
Oh, consumer confidence
is plunging
because kids want more shit
than they fucking need,
by the way.
Oh, there's going to be
less Christmas presents.
Good, good.
There should be none.
You should get
one fucking present.
This abundance
that everybody talks about
is every,
nobody's happy,
by the way.
So, enough with this crap.
Nova, get off,
get out of the helicopter.
It is a convenient way
for me to go.
And we fly mostly
when the water is warm.
That doesn't mean much
if it goes down,
you know,
it kind of spirals.
I don't even want
to show this video.
This is terrible.
This is a family
that crashed
and just show it
just to scare people
because I think people
got to stay out
of these things.
Show it.
In a matter of seconds,
a helicopter fell
from the sky.
God, the news people
don't help, do they?
In a matter of seconds,
what started out
as a family trip
quickly ended
in a watery grave.
In a matter of seconds,
a once-smiling family
plunged to their death
in Lower Manhattan.
the cold waters
of the early spring Hudson
were the last thing
that family felt.
It's like,
do we need that?
What is this guy?
Is this guy's reaction now?
Like, it sounded like
an engine just dying.
Are you done?
It was like,
do, do, do, do, do, do.
And I just turned,
I looked,
and I saw the helicopter
crash and splash
into the water.
Oh, good.
Good.
Good.
Well, I'm glad
we got his tank,
this guy.
I saw it crash
and smash
into the water.
I heard the helicopter
went down
into the water.
Oh, good.
Well, I'm happy,
I'm happy
that we've cleared
that up.
We were all confused.
What really happened?
What exactly happened?
Everyone's so,
it's like,
everybody's like,
what exactly happened?
I saw this helicopter
and then it fell
out of the sky
and into the water.
What was the first woman?
Did the first woman,
I just want one of them
to go like,
I don't know
if it was even in the air.
I can't believe
anything anymore.
It's like screaming,
we were crying.
Claiming Sid River.
Everybody was like,
screaming,
we were crying.
Claiming six lives,
including a family
on a sightseeing trip.
Terrible.
You gotta stay out
of the helicopter.
You gotta stay out.
You gotta,
you gotta stay out.
For the sake
of your family,
you gotta,
you gotta prepare
your children now
for actually,
it's lean times.
Lean times.
Markets up,
the market's down.
There's a lot of volatility.
Larry thinks,
go,
we're gonna have a recession.
Jamie Dimon,
all these guys,
the real demons
are out here
talking about the recession.
CEOs of all these
big banks
and private equity companies
are going,
we're gonna have a recession.
And you know,
you're gonna have to tell
your children
and prepare them for a,
this is not going
to be the epic summer.
It's not going
to be epic.
Too many people
expect everything to,
all these kids
going to Coachella.
It's epic.
It's gonna be,
it's the times
of our lives,
you know?
Well,
we're gonna have to,
we're gonna have to
calm that down.
We're not gonna have
the times of our lives
this summer.
It's going to be,
try not to die.
That's what you tell
your children.
Try not to die this summer
because hopefully
next summer
or the summer after
we can go back
to doing something.
But we're gonna have a little,
it's a rough patch
here.
It's a rough patch.
Why don't you
acquaint yourself
with our yard?
How about that?
Go to the local
public pool.
It's a public pool summer.
That's what it is.
This is a public pool summer.
Go get choked in the water
by a gang member
this summer.
Why don't you get choked
in the water
by a Latin king?
Because there's no lake house
this summer.
It's a tough summer.
This is a popsicle summer.
We're in the 90s
right now,
pre-Clinton.
We're at the end.
It's Gulf War.
There's not a lot.
This is a
Rediscover Movies summer.
This is a Netflix
and chill summer.
It's a public pool summer.
It's a popsicle summer.
It's a borrow
mom's car summer.
It's smoke a joint
on the beach summer.
It is not
helicopter tour summer.
It's not epic
concert summer.
It's not backpacking
through Europe summer.
This is a very
pared down
simple suburban summer.
This is smoke glass
with your friends summer.
Smoke meth
with your friends.
This is not like
you're going to be
making memories
to last a lifetime summer.
No.
This is
I'm looking at the
I'm reading all these articles
about what's going on
in the stock market.
Prepare your children
for an old school summer.
Some drugs.
Couple of hand jobs
under the boardwalk
and move it on.
We're back in school.
It's not going to be
the greatest
night of your life.
I'm telling you.
It's not going to be
the greatest
two months of your life.
It's not happening.
It's not happening.
It's going to be
just hot
sticky
and
cheap.
It's going to be
a cheap summer.
Everyone's mad at RFK
because he's pledging
to find the cause
of autism
by September.
And that's pretty cool.
Number one,
life's about
setting goals.
And he's literally
going,
I'm going to find it out
by September.
By the end of the
this will be the summer
that RFK
found out
what caused autism.
That'll be this.
This will be the summer
that we all remember.
RFK is going to work
really hard.
He's going to hunker down
and find out
why people are autistic
and tell us all
in September.
And I'm kind of excited.
What if it's something
we have no idea
what it could be.
We don't know.
Could be canned tuna.
We don't know.
Everything's on the table.
That's what you've got
to like about RFK.
Everything's on the table.
I'm thinking he might
go in the direction
of vaccines,
but we don't know.
We don't know.
Could be
household chemicals.
Toxins in wood furniture.
The cream for the dunkaroo.
No one knows
what exactly
is making people autistic.
He has pledged
while everyone else is
I don't know what they're doing
in the summer.
This guy has pledged
to find the cause
of autism.
Let's listen to this guy.
I'm telling you right now.
Pretty fucking cool.
Pretty ambitious.
RFK.
The autism rates
have gone from
now most recent
numbers we think
are going to be
about 1 in 31.
1 in 12.
So they're going up again
from 1 in 10,000
when I was a kid.
And we are going
at your direction.
We are going to know
by September
we've launched
a massive
testing
and research effort
that's going to involve
It's like a scavenger hunt.
from around the world.
By September
we will know
what has caused
the autism
we will be able
to eliminate
those exposures.
This is like
going to the moon.
This is like
going to the moon.
You're going to have
a pretty good idea.
We will know
by September.
There will be
no bigger news conference
than that.
So that's it.
If you can
come up with that answer
where
you stop taking something
you stop eating something
or maybe it's a shot
but something's
causing it.
Well
it's pretty cool
that RFK
has come out
and said
hey
we're going to
look into this
for the months
of May,
June,
July,
August
and then in
September
we're coming out
and we're going
to tell you
why you're autistic.
And it's like
a fun summer
scavenger hunt.
We're going to
look at vaccines
Kennedy said
but we're going
to look at everything.
Everything is
on the table.
See,
I didn't even know
he said that
but I knew it.
Our food system,
our water,
our air,
different ways
of parenting.
All the kind
of changes
that may have
triggered this
epithet.
He might come
back and go
you're not
beating your kids.
He might say
we have
figured out
what it is
and it's the fact
that you are not
open face
smacking your children.
He might say
the lack
of beatings
has result
you have to
beat the autism
out of the kid.
He might say it.
We don't know
and he might
be right.
He might say
you have to
beat the autism
out of your child.
I mean
belts.
Chase them
around the house.
Bloody.
You know,
what's that thing
Joe Jackson
used to say to Michael?
Go get me a switch.
Go get a branch
from the tree
and beat your child
with it.
RFK might come
out and say
it's because
kids aren't
getting beaten
by their parents
anymore.
So we don't
know.
We don't know.
He might say
after the research
we've concluded
that children
who are not
beaten
with a belt
multiple times
a week
are much more
likely to be
autistic.
You might
have to beat
them.
You might
have to beat
it out of the
kids.
Sorry.
The answers
are not always
what you'd want.
They're not
what you'd want.
It's Brussels
sprouts,
not smoothies
that make you
thin.
Sure,
we'd love it
if it was
smoothies.
Oh,
milkshakes
all day?
And then I
get better.
I get better
with a milkshake?
Woo!
But it's not.
It's actually
lean meats
and vegetables.
Okay?
And some
healthy fats.
So this might
not just be
oh hey
don't give
them a cupcake.
It might be
you need to
beat the
living shit
out of your
child again.
Fear.
Like when the
door of your
car closes
your child
is quivering
and you
it might not
even be
beating them
for a reason.
It might be
randomly attacking
them in the
house.
I'm not saying
it will be.
I'm just saying
we don't know
which way it's
going to go.
We don't
know what
he's going to
what his
recommendations
are.
His
recommendations
could be
that you
you know
maybe you'll
make kids
sleep with
tape on
their mouths.
Remember that's
a new thing
that people
ar