Name: Alligator Alcatraz, Free Diddy, & Life At Sea | The Tim Dillon Show #451
Uploaded: 2025-07-06T00:45:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Alligator Alcatraz, Free Diddy, & Life At Sea | The Tim Dillon Show #451' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Alligator Alcatraz, Free Diddy, & Life At Sea | The Tim Dillon Show #451' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-06. Transcript available.

Alligator Alcatraz, Free Diddy, & Life At Sea | The Tim Dillon Show #451

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
We apologize for our lateness,
but it is a celebration of the country's birth.
The 4th of July, I was out east on Long Island.
I had some friends come and stay with me for the week.
Very nice people, people I used to know.
And I still know them.
But do I? No, I'm kidding.
I love them, and they were with me.
And it's very nice to bring people,
you know, out east, out to the Hamptons,
that don't have a ton of experience with it
because they're always aghast at the cost of all the things.
You know, a tomato, so much money.
Why does it cost so much money?
Well, you know, it's scarcity principle.
And by the way, there is this idea, though, out there
that everything's a million dollars.
It's not true.
All these articles that come out now, it's like rage bait.
They just want people to be angry.
They're like, this, this melon costs $400 in the Hamptons.
And you're like, no, it doesn't.
That's not real.
There's a couple specialty food stores
that you can get really silly, expensive shit.
But who cares?
That, you could do that literally anywhere.
But it's just funny, the rage bait headlines.
This melon is $400 in the Hamptons.
Lobster salad's $100 a pound in the,
and it's always food.
This potato is $8,000 in the Hamptons.
Like, and it's not.
It's actually not.
Yes, food is expensive.
But food is expensive anywhere.
And obviously, it's more expensive in a place
where most people that live there are wealthy.
Obviously, not everyone is,
but the vast majority of people have the money,
and they can charge people whatever the fuck they want,
and they get away with it.
But it's just so funny.
It's like the rage and the anger that people have.
The problem I'm having with all of life right now is this.
Everyone goes, I hate those people.
I would never want to be a part of that.
And then they're angry also that they're not a part of it.
They go, I hate it.
I would, even if I had the money.
You hear that a million times, by the way.
Even if I had the money, I would never even.
And you go, okay, great.
Who cares?
I'm not a skier.
I've, you know, if I went to Aspen tomorrow,
I would not feel the need to go,
even if I had the money, I would never build.
I would never have a chalet in Aspen because I don't even.
Who cares?
No one cares what you would do with money you don't have.
No one, no one.
Someone needs to explain this to people.
No one cares what you would do with the fantasy budget you don't have.
My friends are a lot, have a lot more money than I do.
A lot of comedian friends I have have a lot more.
And a lot of my, you know, people I know in the world have a lot more money
than I do.
And I never start conversations by going, well, even if I had the money, I
actually wouldn't buy that thing.
No one cares.
It's such a weird thing that all people across social, socioeconomic
backgrounds do.
It has nothing to do with anything.
I've heard people with a lot of money say this.
I've heard people with no money say it.
And it's just this, in this country, we have become convinced that we need to
be telling people all the time the lives that we would live if we could.
And how we would be just and fair if we had the things that everyone else had.
Boy, I'd do it differently.
I have a friend that goes, I'd never get a nice car, even if I had the money.
I go, that's probably not true.
Well, I never would.
I don't care about cars.
No one who gets a nice car cares about cars.
That's not the way it works.
That's not what, I was not a passionate aficionado of cars before I got a nice
car.
I wasn't like in the driveway putting together a car.
I like to build it from the ground up.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You have the ability to do something, you do it.
And I'm not saying that money is the be-all and end-all of life.
In fact, the happiest people I know, like really, and I realize this, I took my
friends out on a boat.
We went out on a boat.
We rented a boat.
And it's nice.
I was a good friend of their father.
I was actually more friends with their father than them.
I like them.
But their father was great.
He had three deewees and a be-wee, boating while intoxicated.
And I got in two boating accidents with this man.
He was so fun, I got in a second boating accident with him.
That's how fun he was.
The kids are fine.
Now, he's no longer with us, RIP.
And his children, who are great, were with me.
And we all went out on a boat.
I said, I'll get a boat and we'll go out on a boat.
And, you know, we drive around.
And we look at these houses and shelter around.
Even if I had to.
But then you're up there on that cliff.
I don't know if I like the cliff or if I don't.
I can't decide whether it's good to have the house on the cliff or not.
It's long walk to the beach in that.
All right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, okay, okay.
But here's the reality.
I realize this.
Now, the boat had this nice couple.
I think they were dating.
They were probably fucking at the very least.
And they explained to me their lives.
And I feel like these are the lives most people need to live.
And then we'll get into some news and some current events and what's happening.
Alligator, Alcatraz, whatever.
But I think what we need to do is start directing people into the lives they
need to live.
Actually, truly, it's going to be a tough 10 years for most of you.
Most of you have no idea what's about to happen to you.
Some younger people listen to the show.
Listen up.
Public service announcement.
Truly.
I'm not kidding.
You know, this is a special time to check in.
July 4th to me is always a check in.
How are we doing?
How's the country doing?
How are you doing?
How are you doing?
How are you doing as you light that meth pipe on the couch?
And there's nothing wrong with that.
Like and subscribe.
Support the Patreon.
But education means nothing.
Let's just be honest.
Being a smart person in our society has almost no value.
In fact, it's annoying.
Most people don't even like it.
It's off-putting.
In fact, if you're smart and don't have a lot of money, people will actively
hate you.
I grew up with people that were like somewhat intelligent and had nothing to
show for it.
That is like the least American quality ever.
Knowledge for the sake of it.
I'm an armchair philosopher.
I can expound on many things, but I have nothing.
That doesn't work here.
That's maybe a European trait.
I don't know where that...
Maybe that's an Irish thing.
You sit there in Dublin with a pint and chat and talk.
That doesn't work here in this country.
So, I just do want to tell people that if you're planning on that, like I have
a cousin who's like that.
He's like, are you reading anything?
I'm like, you are homeless.
And I didn't really like that.
I found it to be like pop fiction.
That's not what I like.
Okay.
That quality of...
If that's your plan to just be like smart and well-read and a good conversationalist,
you are fucked.
I'm telling you, you are shocked.
There is nothing left for you if that's your plan.
I know a lot of people that's their plan.
They are so in love with their...
And they tell people where they've traveled.
Another thing, traveling.
If that's your bag, you are shocked.
If you think you're going to get ahead in life telling people where you've been,
you are done.
Everyone travels and no one cares.
No one cares where you've gone.
No one cares about your photo.
No one...
The dumbest people I know are invariably the most well-traveled.
They're constantly hopping from Ibiza to the south of France to Italy to Greece
and they know nothing.
They couldn't tell you one thing about any of those countries.
Best case, they remember a dessert they had in Spain.
That's it.
They know nothing.
Constantly jet-setting is not only immaterial.
I'm sure it's lovely and fun.
And I've hopped around.
It's fun to hop around.
But it's ultimately meaningless.
If you think you're going to spend your 20s traveling and gaining experiences
that are going to be valuable later in your life, it is your shot.
You're shot.
Truly.
So education, you're shot.
Traveling and gaining experiences in the world, you're shot.
If you think that you're going to invent something that hasn't been figured out
before, you are shot.
What are you, nuts?
We have that.
Oh, oh, oh, yeah?
Oh, what's the app do?
Shut up.
We have it.
Oh, you haven't heard of it?
We've got it.
I use it.
It's on here.
If you think you're going to invent something that someone hasn't thought of,
you're shot.
It's not happening.
If you think you're going to make a friend whose parents own a business and
they're going to then put you in a position of power within that business, that
might work.
I don't know.
But ultimately, for the vast majority of you, statistically, you're shot.
You're not going to make that friend.
That friend doesn't want anything to do with you.
You don't bring enough to the table.
So if you think you're going to, oh, well, my circle of friends, I have a great
circle of friends.
You hear these people?
My circle of friends.
I know a lot of people.
The biggest bum is always pointing out who they know.
That's the biggest bum thing ever.
Well, my friend's mother used to work for a rich guy.
He always brought it up.
He'd be like, well, my mother works.
I forget his name.
I'm not going to use his real name.
But he's like, Mr. Miller owns a lot of property and my mother takes care of it
for him.
You're shot.
You're shot.
Listen to me now.
I'm going to tell you what you're going to do.
You're going to work on a boat.
You're going to work on a boat.
This is what you're going to do.
Between the months of June and September, you're going to work on a boat.
Between Memorial Day and Labor Day, you're going to work on a boat.
And then you're going to go down to Florida and continue to work on a boat offseason.
But in Florida, it's actually on season.
The vast majority of people in this country are going to be struggling against
forces they cannot even comprehend, that I can't comprehend.
Things like AI that are going to transform our entire society are going to work
on a boat.
You're not starting a business.
You're not going to run a hardware store.
You're not going to invent something.
You're not going to start a profitable restaurant.
The novel you're writing sucks.
You're not going to do any of the things in your mind that you think you're
going to do.
You're going to work on a boat.
And it's not bad.
There's a certain type of person in this country.
They're in pretty good shape.
They actually are in pretty good shape.
They're good looking and not great looking.
But there's a high fuckability factor to them.
They start drinking young and realize that is how they connect emotionally with
the world.
They take shots out of little plastic shot glasses and then in a bar called,
like, I don't know, like, Shark Bar or the Land Shark or something.
They have, like, dirty white sneakers and they're just getting crazy.
To Tiesto's song, The Business.
And they're drinking and they see their girls and their guys.
This type of person is the person who's watching hours and hours and hours of
Love Island.
They can't get enough of it.
They want to discuss it.
Not only is it on, but they want to talk.
They want to discuss it.
Because they want to be on it.
That's the holy grail for this type of person is to be on a show like Love
Island where they can be an animal for money.
That's the goal of a lot of what we've created here is people that are just
looking to be an animal for money.
They go, I'm fucking sucking, drinking, snorting, shooting, dancing.
Anyway, why not do this for money?
And all of those people have actually, you know, it's the Below Deck show on
Bravo.
It's any of that.
You're going to work on a boat.
You're going to take people out on the boat.
You're going to tell them about your life and that it's good.
And in your head, that Tiesto song, The Business, will keep playing.
It will never not be in your head.
And it will be a low hum like a brain tumor.
But it'll be the Ti