Name: Wet Hot American Epstein | The Tim Dillon Show #452
Uploaded: 2025-07-12T16:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Wet Hot American Epstein | The Tim Dillon Show #452' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Wet Hot American Epstein | The Tim Dillon Show #452' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-12. Transcript available.

Wet Hot American Epstein | The Tim Dillon Show #452

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
How are we doing out there?
Summer is in full swing.
Summer, this is it.
It's going to be quick, and then it's over.
So enjoy it.
Take some time.
Take some time.
Bring the family to the lake.
Bring them to the beach.
You know, no one goes anywhere anymore.
It's a country of very creepy weirdos.
Have you noticed that?
That the country is just filled with antisocial freaks who just aren't anywhere
anymore?
Like, you go to these places where, like, it's supposed to be, like, you're
supposed to be overwhelmed with crowds.
And it's, like, it's not whatever everyone says.
Everyone's, like, it's going to be wall-to-wall people, and you won't be.
And then, like, I went down to this place on Long Island, Long Beach, a few
days before the 4th of July.
Me and my buddies, we grew up in that area, and it wasn't packed.
The bars had, like, 20 people in them.
Young people aren't out there at bars like that anymore.
It used to be, like, lifeguard night, ladies' night.
People were having fun and partying.
But, like, no one's, where are they?
Like, these people aren't there anymore, and I don't know where they are.
So, if you get a chance to try to foster some type of positive social
environment for yourself and your family, I guess do it.
I mean, I don't, people just, people don't do anything anymore.
I don't know what they're doing.
I don't know what people are doing, but they're not, you know, there was a time
when people would be out and social, and these people would be sitting outside
of their house, eight or ten of them, in folding chairs, drinking and talking
and joking around and smoking cigs.
Where, none of that happens anymore.
It's an abandoned country.
It's like a country that's been closed.
And people say, oh, you're exaggerating.
Like, there's a few areas that are packed with the Jersey Shore, out east on
Long Island, whatever.
But then you go to these places that's supposed to, they're supposed to have,
like, a summer culture.
These little fishing villages and towns and, you know, and it's just nothing.
There's nobody out boozing it, smacking someone in the ass, smoking a butt.
What happened to people?
They're all creepy weirdos.
Everyone's like a weirdo now.
Like a person that doesn't know.
Have you ever tried to invite people to your home?
They don't even know how to act or what to do.
If they even come.
For example, my, I have a, you know, I have a house out east and I'm fortunate.
And I invite people to it.
And they don't know, they don't understand anything.
Like, they're asking questions about everything.
And it's like, you know, you're here to have fun.
We're here to have fun.
You're not here to, like, investigate.
Like, I have a house slave, a white woman who's my slave, a house slave.
And they talk to her like she's a person.
And they ask her about, like, her hopes and dreams.
If you're invited to someone's house, don't speak to the help.
Don't start cleaning.
The maid wants to clean.
She's getting paid either way.
She has a system and she does it.
And the job of the house slave, white woman, don't come at me.
The job of the house slave is to deal with the maid.
And if the maid says she's cleaned something, the house slave makes the maid
photo it and send it to the slave.
The slave.
But it's true.
The day the slave was not there and the maid comes and my godson had, him and
his horrible family, came and brought slime to my house, which is like this
crap.
And there's, like, sprinkles that go on it.
And they just, I don't know what it is.
Why are kids playing with this?
We had GAC, Nickelodeon's GAC.
Remember that?
The network that raped everyone?
Well, they, the slave called me and said, there's sprinkles all over the yard.
She thought I just, I had, like, a fat off with people and we just started
throwing sprinkles at each other.
But I said, that's my god, it sounded like I was lying.
I go, that's my godson.
He had slime and it has this crap, these sprinkles you smush into it or
whatever.
And he got it all over the table.
So the house slave said, I'm going to have the maid clean the table.
But the house slave knows you can't trust the maids because some are great and
some aren't.
This is the whole thing.
Some are here for a better life, you know.
And some are selling fentanyl and not doing well.
So the slave, the maid runs out and takes a photo of the table that she just
scrubbed and sent it to the slave.
And then the slave will tell me, I have a photo of the clean table.
So that's the system.
Do you understand?
That's the summer system.
When you're a guest in a house, you do not engage the maid or the slave.
And you don't talk to me about anything going on.
I don't know when the garbage person comes.
That's the slave.
I don't know.
The maid is handling the dryer.
The maid reports to the slave who reports to me.
I pay all of the bills.
Now, in the Hamptons where people have much more money than I do, they have
multiple slaves and maids and hierarchies and different constellations of power.
But you don't ask dumb questions.
You don't go, where are you spending most of your time?
Poor question.
No one knows.
No one knows where anyone is.
You know, and then shut up.
Shut up.
You think I would ever say that to anyone?
You don't ask that of someone.
Where do you spend most of your time?
I just always say something ridiculous.
I go, Rome.
The Vatican.
Mostly.
That's where I'm mostly.
But I'm here.
Also, you got to understand this is for the summer.
These homes are for the summer.
They're not used any other time in the year.
So this is, people go, I bet it's beautiful out here, you know, once it gets a
little colder.
I go, yeah, but I don't really come out.
Really?
What do you do?
I work.
We're working.
We're working, you slob.
We're working.
Don't engage.
And yeah, of course it's beautiful in the fall.
And I'll go there when I can, but I'm working.
Don't ask the house slave her dreams.
And what she wants to do with her life.
The last thing you want is a house slave with a postmodern self-awareness.
Who's depressed in the kitchen.
This is what you say.
You go, is there water?
That's all you ever, that's all I've ever said when I'm at someone's home.
Hi.
Is there water?
Thank you.
Not who are you?
How are you?
How did you meet it?
Stop it.
Stop it.
People don't know how anymore to just be.
People don't get it.
Somebody I was with was like, all these people in the Hamptons, they don't even
use their houses.
They're burning money.
They're fine.
They're not burning money.
It's like everyone tries to create this world in which they've won.
When I was a tour guide, people used to get on the tour buses and go, they
spend all this money to live in New York City, but they don't even have central
air conditioning.
They have wall unit air conditioners.
I go, yeah, but again, again, this is a historic building.
They can't alter it.
So they have wall unit air conditioners, but they have a 30,000 square foot
home in Palm Beach, this air condition.
They have a chalet in Aspen.
They have a home in Greenwich, Connecticut.
And it's like, you didn't, you didn't figure it out.
It's, you, you, you gotta understand the way it is.
It doesn't mean the way it is, is right.
Right.
But the way it is, is the way it is.
You didn't figure something out.
Like you're on, like, you walk into the Royal Palace and you're like, all these
guards, you don't have any privacy.
What?
So I'm just saying like, it's strange.
People have forgotten how to be social.
And the way to be social is to kind of be reserved and keep some of your
thoughts in.
And just not try to, not try to like, always push and, and, and, and, and, and,
and, and try to like make it so like the person who has, I wouldn't even want a
house that big.
There's so many rooms.
What would you even do with it?
We'll pass these homes.
And they are gargantuan and ridiculous, but shut up.
That's like, what is that?
What is that?
I wouldn't even want that.
So big.
So stupid.
They're so stupid.
I'm so smart.
I'm so smart in my little house.
I'm so smart.
They're so stupid in their house.
They're stupid.
I'm smart.
No, you're not.
No, you're not.
And by the way, these aren't people that I'm with that are saying, I bet those
people are spiritually broken and empty.
And yet I'm fulfilled.
They're not saying that because that's not what they're not.
There's a ton of critiques you can make towards the excesses of capitalism or
abundance.
Tons of them that come from a spiritual place.
The people I'm talking about or are amoral.
Okay.
So they're not looking at it from that perspective.
They're trying to figure out some way that they've actually made the right.
They would do all the things.
It is not for lack of morals that they don't have that house.
There is not anyone that I grew up with that didn't succeed because they're too
good of a person.
That's not the case.
There's not one friend I have that would have been knee deep in money but was
just a moral man.
That's not one person I know.
Everyone I know is scum and they couldn't figure more things out because they
kept putting powder in their nose instead of figuring out anything else except
how to take a key and shove it up their nose.
And there's nothing wrong with that.
I'm just saying.
What's going on with the Epstein and these Jews?
What is happening here?
I mean, I don't...
Everyone's...
What's going on?
Everyone keeps saying this is Mossad op and we're covering it up to protect
Israel.
This is what everyone keeps saying.
Not in the Hamptons.
No one's saying that in the Hamptons.
Here's what they're saying in the Hamptons about this whole thing.
And it's actually very interesting.
And I want you to listen closely.
This is exactly what they're saying in the Hamptons about this entire thing.
So that's the opinion in the Hamptons.
That's a prevailing opinion out there.
People are saying it's Mossad and CIA and that they're shutting it down or the
people in the White House are implicated.
I'm taking another path.
I'm going, whatever.
It's time to live in the...
It's just like what I just gave the people advice to.
The people...
It's late at night.
But the people that I just gave advice to about the house slave and everything
in the way that you...
You know, the composure that you should have in someone's home.
I'm giving advice to people now that live in this country.
Choose the pedophile you agree with.
Choose the pedophile whose values are yours.
Who is the pedophile who has a pro-business attitude?
Is there a pedophile who cares about the climate?
Is the pedophile...
Who wants better schools?
Probably all of them.
What pedophile has the viewpoint that you align with?
What pedophile believes in infrastructure?
Who is the pedophile that's going to keep us out of costly foreign wars?
Who is the pedophile who's going to make sure your children have a shot at the
American dream?
You cannot ask that they don't fuck kids.
You cannot ask that.
It's a bridge too far.
Stop being greedy.
Who is the pedophile that when they speak, you go...
Man!
I relate to that guy.
Not on everything.
Not on everything.
Not on everything.
Not on having sex with kids.
Which I'm sure he does because all of them do.
But God do I relate to the point he made about tech or whatever.
I don't know, but that's the thing now.
You just have to go with the pedophile who makes the most sense to you
personally.
And you're going to argue...
You're going to argue with your wife about it.
It's not going to be easy.
John, he's a pedophile.
Honey, listen.
Our taxes have been going up year after year.
It's hard to pay the rent.
Don't you want to own a fucking house?
Johnny has sex with children.
Honey, listen to me.
I don't agree with everything this man does.
John, this isn't about policies.
He's a pedophile.
Honey, I understand your concerns.
But I work all goddamn week and I can't get ahead.
And they're all pedophiles.
I want this pedophile.
He's going to be good for us, honey.
He understands 