Name: Tim Dillon Joins CBS, Mazel! | The Tim Dillon Show #460
Uploaded: 2025-09-07T03:07:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Dillon Joins CBS, Mazel! | The Tim Dillon Show #460' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-09-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Dillon Joins CBS, Mazel! | The Tim Dillon Show #460' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-09-07. Transcript available.

Tim Dillon Joins CBS, Mazel! | The Tim Dillon Show #460

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the CBS Evening News. My name is Tim Dillon.
I want to first start by thanking Barry Weiss for giving me the opportunity
to sit here with you at the iconic CBS News Desk and deliver the news. CBS is a
great American
institution. I also want to speak directly to people who feel that there may be
some changes
coming at CBS or that the network isn't going to be recognizable. Nothing could
be further from the
truth. Here at CBS, we have a journalistic commitment to integrity, giving you
both sides
or all sides of every issue that matters to you. Barry is committed to
delivering fearless,
unbiased journalism, and she is incredibly aware of what a shill you people
think she is, but she is
not. She is not a shill, and nor am I. I want to thank the Ellison family. I
want to thank Paramount.
I want to thank everybody who invested severely in me and Barry and the whole
team at the Free Press.
The investments made were intense. They were severe. And I want to thank
everyone who took hundreds of
millions of millions, if not billions of dollars to make sure that you are
getting fearless, unbiased news coverage
from a team that's only agenda is the truth. Our only agenda is the truth. That
is the biggest thing that we are trying to do here.
We are not trying to come on here and spin and say, hey, hey, you anti-Semite
pigs.
Eat your slop. We're not trying to say that. We're trying to say the world is
very big.
And there's a lot of people that have a lot of opinions that need to be
corrected.
And here at CBS News, we are going to devote every waking minute of our day to
correcting all of you very nicely.
You're barely going to notice it's happening. You're barely going to notice we're
there.
So for Tim Dillon and the thing about the beard, which makes it so difficult,
is that it really does have sensitive skin.
It's very hard to speak in this beard. We got this.
What is this? A Hasidic Jew costume at Spirit Halloween?
A rabbi.
This is a rabbi costume at Spirit Halloween.
To, of course, by the way, it's a happy day. It's a great day.
We're celebrating this day. It's a national holiday.
It's, I believe, the day that the Free Press, Barry Weiss's blog, was bought
for $1 trillion.
It is now valued at what PetroChina is valued at.
And she will be taking over CBS News.
So the oldest and most vulnerable members of our society will be getting news
directly from Barry Weiss,
who's a friend of mine who I like.
I tend to like these types.
I really do.
And I enjoy her, and I wish her well, and I'm wishing her the best.
I know that it seems like we're poking fun here, and we are a little bit,
because, let's be honest, CBS is about to just become God Only Knows.
I mean, it's going to be, number one, it's tranny TV.
So all they're going to talk about is gender goblinism,
and then they're going to talk about Israel.
Most likely, that's what it's going to oscillate.
It's going to oscillate between somebody on the girls' swim team has a cock,
which is their big issue,
and then also, hey, how good of a job is Netanyahu doing?
Good or great?
What say you?
So you're going to have all of those debates.
How best to kill a Palestinian?
How does it, should it be quick?
We don't know.
So you're going to have all of that at CBS News.
CBS News.
Very interesting that the establishment is now,
you know, Barry Weiss was somebody who was, like, way outside the mainstream.
She worked at the New York Times and then left, right?
Because, like, they went super woke, and she was, like, persona non grata,
and she then launched her own thing, and she's very independent in the sense
that
she wasn't linked to, you know, Viacom or, you know, AP Associated Press or any
of these conglomerates,
these big media companies.
So she started the free press, but she had a lot of backing.
She had a lot of financiers come in that backed her very early on with a lot of
money that pumped her up.
And she created the free press.
Again, full disclosure, I've done events with them.
They've paid me very well one time.
And I've done events with them, and I enjoy her.
And I think she's charming and smart.
Is Barry Weiss interested in a unbiased look at the Middle East?
Uh, I don't know.
Maybe not.
Maybe not.
Perhaps not.
And I think that maybe that's what's bothering the staffers at CBS.
Because CBS is an old, now, you remember who watches CBS.
People that watch CBS, their entire night is getting from the kitchen to the
chair.
The entire night of an average viewer of CBS is getting from the kitchen to the
chair.
They make a plan to get from the kitchen to the chair.
They walk into the kitchen.
They're in the kitchen.
They find some type of food that they believe their system can still handle
after all of these years.
They eat a little bit of that food.
And then they migrate.
It's migration.
It's like a refugee, you know, coming from Cuba to Florida.
Except they're just trying to get to their chair in their living room.
And then they turn on the CBS Evening News.
Okay?
Again, the median age of a primetime viewer of CBS is 67.8.
Almost 68 years old.
But by the way, that's the median.
So we know that there's far older as well.
And the people that are watching CBS are elderly people who are, they kind of
don't know what's going on.
Let's be honest.
So I think maybe they're trying to bring in Barry to, like, make it young and
hip.
They're trying to, like, she's going to, like, jazz it up and make it, like,
younger and hipper and, like, cooler and whatever.
And then also provide the old people the content they want, you know, which is,
you know, predominantly fear-based and misleading.
And as long as the content remains fear-based and misleading, it will be good
content.
And they will eat it up until they go on that final pilgrimage to wherever.
But we congrats to Barry.
A great gig.
CBS is an old clunker of a car.
Nobody who's young respects it.
Nobody's getting their news anymore from cable that is under 40.
Nobody is reading these papers anymore half the time.
I read them because I have this dumb show.
Most people are getting their news directly now from a person who's being bombed.
That's who the news is now.
The news is directly from someone who's literally being bombed at the mall.
Like, there is no more article about the bombing.
Someone who's family just got incinerated in a fire is on a phone telling you
what happened.
Hey, please help me!
Help me!
So there's not a ton of editorializing to be done now.
We're just getting it directly from the horse's mouth.
Like, the people that are being skinned alive in their homes, burnt to death,
heads exploding,
in a kind of a hurricane of fire in an inferno, skin melting, eye sockets out.
Those are the people that are now on the phone telling you what your government
is funding.
Okay?
So that's even...
I got to get rid of this because it's even...
It's kind of bothering my neck even.
And I feel like...
I feel like with the beard, it feels anti-Semitic.
But it's not.
It's actually...
By the way, here's what's funny about this whole thing.
Truly.
This is actually funny.
It's actually funny.
There's nothing less anti-Semitic than this.
Than what I'm doing.
Stacking two bagels to represent the Twin Towers, having Manish Evans wine,
and dressing in this costume is actually the least anti-Semitic thing anyone
has ever done.
But...
And that's what's funny about the world, is you see it and immediately go,
oh my God, I bet that's so...
That's offensive and crazy.
But this is the type of thing the free press should be defending.
Right?
We hope the free press is defending this and sharing this clip.
We imagine the free press will be sharing this clip.
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But the news now has gone from like a guy, and he'd be sitting at a desk,
and he'd be a good-looking guy like David Muir.
Get up the picture of David Muir because he's a hottie.
And he's not purely white.
There's something else going on.
And you kind of imagine him at a bar, and he's having a glass of scotch,
and then a woman walks in, maybe like a Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Back in the day, not now.
I know she's older now.
And David Muir is at a bar, and he's that type of guy that you imagine
nailing like a Hollywood A-lister.
He's just a good-looking guy, and he has that face that seems like he cares.
And then that guy would get on the news, and he would go,
the continued conflict in the Middle East has been incredibly deadly and
unfortunate.
And the people in their houses would go, yeah, yeah, well, that sucks.
That's tough.
You know, that's a sad thing.
And now, but you're removed.
You're kind of removed from it because you don't really know what's going on.
And then they'd show like a few, they'd show some bombs.
It'd be some lights.
There'd be some things going on and off.
And you'd go, yeah, that's bad.
And then he'd go, the terrorism that is being, you know, like, the terrorist.
And they would say that word a lot.
They would be like, the terrorism and the terror.
And then you'd go, right, right, right.
Terrorist.
Yeah, got to root them out.
Get them.
Smoke them out of their hole.
Remember all the George W. Bush?
Got to smoke them out of their hole.
Get them.
Got them good.
Get them.
Root them out.
Bush was the first one after this whole thing happened.
He goes, they're going to have to do some things, not be too nice.
George W. Bush came out and was like, yeah, I'm no fan of terrorists.
And he's like, you're going to have to go into these places.
And it's not because it's guerrilla warfare.
And listen, some of that is understandable.
Inevitable.
We get it.
It is not nice.
You know, guerrilla warfare.
Warfare in cities is not pretty.
The Pentagon's planning, by the way, if you read what the Pentagon's planning,
they're planning to have it here.
So, and it's not nice.
And they're planning actually to have it here.
The Pentagon for many, many years has been looking at what happens
when the population just gets a little too excited.
But you would have a guy like David Muir and he'd be out there
and there'd be this filter and you would be understanding
what's happening in a geopolitical context, right?
A geopolitical context.
Like you'd be understanding like that there are things
that are beyond our understanding that can't really be,
you know, fleshed out fully here.
We're just going to use words that give you the idea
that it's terrible and unfortunate and it's a prolonged,
that's one of the, it's a prolonged conflict.
It's a terrorism and extremism, radical extremism,
radical terrorism, extremism, prolonged conflict,
conflicts, terrorism, civilians, sadly, death, you know,
and all of these things and it's just kind of,
and again, you're 70, you're watching, you're watching the news.
You know what I mean?
The pill's kicking in and you're coming back and forth.
There's a piece of pie that's lodged in your esophagus.
It isn't going down.
It's breaking down in the lower range of your esophagus.
So you're breathing through the pie and you're going,
and then intermittently, David Muir's coming in
and explaining Gaza to you.
And that's used, that was the news.
Now the news is your, your, your daughter comes home
because nobod