Name: The Real Katie Porter & A Special Guest | The Tim Dillon Show #466
Uploaded: 2025-10-18T16:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Real Katie Porter & A Special Guest | The Tim Dillon Show #466' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-10-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Real Katie Porter & A Special Guest | The Tim Dillon Show #466' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-10-18. Transcript available.

The Real Katie Porter & A Special Guest | The Tim Dillon Show #466

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
There's clearly a lack of trust in the government,
and a lot of it centers around the FBI.
So here to clear the air and answer some questions
is the director of the FBI.
Please welcome Cash Patel.
Hello, buddy.
Cash Patel here.
Cash is the name and the game.
Thank you, Cash.
I appreciate that.
Thank you for joining me.
Can you tell me anything at all about Jeffrey Epstein?
Oh, well, he was very tall, and he lived in New York City,
just like Empire State Building.
Yes, yes.
More bigger, bigger, bigger, much taller.
Yes, I understand that.
But he had this island, and, you know,
that's what we're all curious about.
What the hell was he doing on that island?
Women, swimming, drinking a lot of a coconut.
That was nuts.
Yes.
Or having sex with children.
Yes, but that's the part, Cash, that we're really curious about.
Can you tell us more about this island and how it operates?
You know, every food delivery robot works for FBI.
And it does.
Okay.
Every food robot works for the FBI.
I see what they see.
If you block one of the robots on the sidewalk,
you know how to get the delivery.
No food.
Nada.
Nothing.
Yes.
And making me wait.
Yes.
To bring the food to the person.
Well, that's not good.
Cash, can you at least tell me about Thomas Matthew Crooks,
the guy that shot President Trump?
Who?
Well, Cash, can you tell me anything about what's going on at the FBI right now?
What have you learned since you've taken over the FBI?
Oh, I've been so busy with FBI.
You know, I thought, for me, I thought it was the Federal Bureau of Banking.
I didn't know which stands FBI.
I thought FBI stands for Federal Bureau of Investments.
That's what I thought it was.
You thought it was more of an investing thing.
Yeah, banking, investing, you know.
And I cashed the name, and that's the game.
That's right.
That's right.
I agree.
Do you enjoy your job at the FBI?
Is it a fun job for you?
Oh, it has been so much fun, you know.
Every day I sleep under the covers, and I do, you know, because I'm so busy.
Well, do you have anything else to tell the people, anybody, any final thoughts
to people
that may not trust you, or they may not trust the FBI?
Is there anything that you want to say to them that might make them feel better?
Well, I am sorry.
I've been such a Pisces, because I've been solving all the crises.
I apologize.
I mean, I do, you know.
Yeah.
Well, that's good.
Well, listen, Keshe Bata, I think a lot of people, you've cleared up a lot
today.
I think I did, actually.
I mean, you know, ask me anything you want to, you know?
You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah.
Well, no, just, you know, a lot of people think your girlfriend is in the Mossad.
What do you say to that?
Mossad doesn't do it.
Mossad does it.
Like she does it.
Mossad, you know?
Not Mossad.
Mossad.
Well, Keshe Bata, I thank you again.
You're such an important part of our country, and we hope that you continue to
work as hard
as you've been working.
I've been working so hard, that's the reason I've been sleeping under the
covers.
Yes, yes.
Yes, well, that makes a lot of sense.
Keshe Patel, everyone, and we'll see you in Valhalla.
Valhalla?
Valhalla to you.
I thought Valhalla, what's that?
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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
A good friend of the show, Katie Porter, running into a little bit of trouble
after a couple
of videos have surfaced of Katie Porter acting like herself.
Katie Porter is the woman from the whiteboard.
If you remember on the show, we talked about the whiteboard, where instead of
actual change
in America, we have this theatrical show every few years, where a senator,
congressperson,
whatever, will show up to Congress and put like a Jamie Dimon type on the hot
seat.
And that was Katie Porter.
She did the whole thing with the whiteboard.
She was, you know, writing all these letters, and she's like, you know, all
these numbers
on the board.
And she's like, well, how would somebody that's paid what you pay them even
live?
How would they even live?
And Jamie Dimon's like, I don't know.
CEO of Chase is like, I, what?
I don't know how anyone lives.
And, and everyone's like, yeah, she got him.
She got him.
And then of course, nothing, you know, happens.
And I, and I said, you know, on the show, Jamie Dimon probably gets on his jet
afterwards.
He goes, who is that?
Can we kill her?
What's going on?
But if you're a CEO of an American company, every few years, it is an
established fact
and it's built into your calendar and your schedule that you're going to have
to go take a performative
beating in front of Congress.
And then nothing fundamentally would change about the way that you did business.
Katie Porter was that person who would come out like an angry mom, cut it out
back there.
You picture her like sitting there.
Yeah, here we go.
Let's watch a little bit of the whiteboard.
Just give you an idea of what I'm talking about.
Do you know?
I do not know.
14.4 billion.
What's 40% of 14.4 billion?
So 52?
Yeah, the CEO never knows.
Pretty good math.
5.6 billion dollars.
Now, by the way, there's people in a hospital bed going, how does this, is this
going to turn in my favor?
And the answer is no.
The answer is no.
But it is entertaining because you go in front of Congress and Katie Porter
goes, by the way,
and that's how she got famous.
This is how Katie Porter gets big.
This is how she catches the national attention.
She brings in the CEOs and she shames them.
She brings out her whiteboard.
And she has that character.
Everyone has a character.
And her character is crazy like she's a mom and she's had enough.
That's her character.
She's a mom and she's had enough.
You can picture her in the minivan and it smells like a dog.
And there's two kids in the back and they're throwing french fries at each
other.
And she's had enough.
And if you're a mom that's had enough in America, Katie Porter is your person.
She's not a glamorous woman.
She's not especially articulate, but she is a ball of energy and it's all brute
force with Katie Porter.
She's going to tell you the deal.
So now, it's nice to watch her.
And after these videos came out, by the way, over at Kalshi, Kalshi.com,
this great site that looks at people's chances, and you can bet on it and make
money,
her chance of becoming governor in 2026 has plummeted from 40% to 18% on Kalshi.
And one of the reasons is because people like Katie Porter aren't just Katie
Porter when it's Jamie Dimon.
And it's actually childish of Americans to think that.
This is actually something that many of you should have been.
And this is not an endorsement of Katie Porter, by the way.
I don't really care if she wins or not.
It doesn't matter to me.
But I will say it is childish of America.
This is something that Americans do all the time because a lot of you are
children.
Hopefully not the people that listen to this.
But many of you are children.
And children believe in fairy tales.
And the fairy tale that many people believed about Katie Porter was she was
only Katie Porter when it was necessary.
She was only that rude, you know, boisterous woman fueled by this fiery passion.
And it would only ever get directed at CEOs whom you disliked.
That's a fairy tale.
No one is just that when it counts.
Truly.
No one is just that when it counts.
Katie Porter's Katie Porter is Katie Porter is Katie Porter is Katie Porter.
If you fuck up her restaurant order, she's Katie Porter.
If you're Jamie Dimon who runs Chase Manhattan, she's Katie Porter.
If you're her staff, her husband who she dumped hot mashed potatoes on his head,
you're Katie Porter.
Now, the idea is you should want a woman like this.
You should want a cruel, abusive woman.
Because the president now is cruel, abusive, and petty.
And his followers love it.
Because she's also very funny.
She's not as funny.
But the pearl clutching about Katie Porter and people going,
oh, but she's a vicious monster.
That's what you want.
That's what you people actually want.
So, again, now let's watch what I'm talking about.
Many people don't know what I'm talking about.
But I just want to say this before we play this video.
Katie Porter is not a nice person.
She's not a pleasant person.
You wouldn't want to have lunch with her.
She's unhappy.
There's many things in her life she's unhappy about.
But that's the perfect person that you want.
You want someone who walks into the governor's mansion angry.
Newsom's not angry.
He's good looking.
He's got a hot wife.
He's a con artist and a criminal.
And he's just scamming people left and right.
He believes in less than nothing.
Not nothing.
That would be something.
Less than nothing.
Katie Porter is an angry, vicious,
like, like, junkyard dog.
A dog outside of a scrapyard who scares the children walking by.
I don't know if that's the worst type of person.
But grow up, of course she's not just angry at billionaires.
She's angry at anyone and everyone.
Can you imagine being at Katie Porter's house for a holiday?
And how terrible that must be.
How horrible it must be to be in her home for a holiday.
The stress, the tension,
the silences that are only punctuated by her cacophonous,
witch-like howl.
But, by the way,
you kind of want that.
Don't you want that?
That's kind of what you want.
What do you want this woman to be nice?
She shouldn't care about her aid.
She shouldn't treat her aid especially nicely.
She shouldn't be terrible to her aid.
But here's the thing.
Katie Porter is going to treat...
It's not...
If it was just her aid, it wouldn't be right.
If she was just treating people in a lower station than her wrongly,
that wouldn't be right.
She doesn't know how to be nice to anyone.
That's my point.
My point is not that you should abuse the waiter, the waitress,
the cook, the chef.
I tip people a lot of money.
I remember when I had shitty jobs.
I'm not saying any of that is right.
I'm saying this woman is incapable of being nice to anyone.
It does not exist.
You've never seen it from Katie Porter.
She's incapable of doing it.
It's why she's effective in the sense that she's been able to get into Congress.
It's why that she's known nationally in the media as somebody.
She's a bitch.
That's it.
Full stop.
To everyone, she's going back through the McDonald's drive-thru in Orange
County.
She's going back through.
There's...
The barbecue sauce is not in the bag.
It's not in 