Name: Wicked?, A Terrible Life, & The Golden Age Of Travel | The Tim Dillon Show #472
Uploaded: 2025-11-29T17:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Wicked?, A Terrible Life, & The Golden Age Of Travel | The Tim Dillon Show #472' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-11-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Wicked?, A Terrible Life, & The Golden Age Of Travel | The Tim Dillon Show #472' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-11-29. Transcript available.

Wicked?, A Terrible Life, & The Golden Age Of Travel | The Tim Dillon Show #472

NBC News can now project that Donald Trump has won the state of Wisconsin,
which means he is the winner of this race and will return to the White House as
this country's 47th president.
Name me one country that's ever done communism the right way.
Nobody can afford to live because of the billionaires.
Oh, you're so fucking ridiculous.
You really sound like a fascist. You're a fascist.
Oh, everyone's a fascist. Everyone's Hitler.
You sound like Hitler.
Everyone's Hitler.
Everyone's Hitler.
Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
What if you got to heaven and God was just doing a podcast?
What if that was what it was?
What if that was it?
You get to heaven and God hands you a mic and you sit on a couch and you're
like, it never ends?
And God's like, no, I'm in an ad deal.
What if God's like, isn't this wild?
You're like, yeah, it's crazy.
I'm happy I'm here.
Then God starts laughing.
You're like, all right, I'm going to laugh.
God's like, yeah.
Then God's reading an ad for CalSheet.com.
Just seems, you know, seems to be where it's all trending.
Where the afterlife is just going to be a very long podcast.
Where you get to ask God any, and he'll explain the whole thing to you.
He'll literally go through the whole thing.
Like, you're like, can you tell me about creating the world?
He's like, yeah, sure.
And it's just, you know, that's just it.
There's nothing after that.
We've reached the end.
This is the end of things.
It's just on a loop forever.
It's just podcasting.
Just takes.
Just takes.
You and God just have takes.
God's like, Ariana Grande is very thin now.
You go, yeah, it's disturbing.
Is someone going to get her?
I mean, that poor girl, I see her on that show, on that thing, Wicked.
Which is, they have the second Wicked now that's come out.
And her and that other chick, Cynthia Erivo, they're very odd.
But that Ariana Grande, that's who I'm speaking of, right?
It is Ariana Grande.
She looks very thin, like where I'm worried a little bit about her.
And hopefully, at Thanksgiving, someone just kind of has to sit down with her
and go, honey,
you're going to have to eat some of this food.
You know, because it's making people a little like, today you got to prove it.
No, I am eating.
Yeah, yeah, but you got to, hey, you got to eat a little bit of this food.
I know, but my stomach feels, hey, hey, eat a little bit of the food.
Not just a teaspoon of mashed potatoes.
You got to eat a meal in front of everyone.
Because if not, we're calling an ambulance.
That's the way Ariana Grande is at, where you go, if you don't eat a meal in
front of your family right now,
we're going to call an ambulance.
And we're going to force a pipe down your throat.
And we're going to force feed you.
And if you'd rather that, we'll do it right at the table.
If you want to put a feeding tube in, because that's, she's at feeding tube.
Ariana Grande right now is at feeding tube.
Where if a feeding tube, and I'm not making light of this.
If a feeding tube doesn't go in soon, it's game over.
So Ariana Grande needs a feeding tube immediately.
And hopefully they do at Thanksgiving.
And it might be nice.
Everyone stay at Thanksgiving and go, Ariana's having a little issue.
So we're going to put a tube in her and she can, and she can drink her dinner
at Thanksgiving.
Mash it all up.
Here's the thing.
It doesn't have to be pretty, but it's got to get in.
That's what I'd tell Ariana.
It doesn't have to be pretty, but it's got to go in.
So if you want us to take some mashed potatoes, some gravy, or even like baby
formula.
If you want to start there with like baby formula and we'll put a feeding tube
in you.
And we can start again like you're one.
We'll do that.
But you're so thin, you look like you're going to break.
And people are nervous.
So put a feeding tube in.
And we'll start with like baby formula and nutrients.
And then we'll work up to like a smoothie made of gravy and mashed potatoes
from Thanksgiving.
I want her to thrive.
God bless her.
She needs to eat.
Not as much as me.
I know the comment.
Not as much as me.
But somewhere between where she is right now and where I am is the happy medium.
Because you're going to have to put a feeding tube in her.
There's no other way around it.
Can you get a photo of Ariana Grande up and write the word thin.
Don't make a liar out of me.
Find a photo of a beautiful woman, talented woman, want her to get help.
Wicked, whatever.
You know, great on Broadway.
Is it great in the movies?
I haven't seen it.
I'm sure it's fine.
That's not the point of this.
The point of this is a warning, a word to the wise, a warning here.
Let's get some nutrients in this woman.
Isn't it bad?
Can I see it on the thing?
I can't really see it on the monitor.
Is there a way for me to see it?
I guess I could look at it on my phone.
But she's very, very thin.
And it's disturbing a lot of people.
And I just want it, I want it known that the Tim Dillon Show is offering to
take Ariana Grande to Smith and Walensky's Restaurant Steakhouse and feed her
cream spinach through a feeding tube.
And I don't care who looks at us weird.
I don't care who looks at us weird.
If Ariana Grande wants to come with me at my expense to Smith and Walensky's, I
will put a prime rib in a high-velocity food processor, and we will blend it,
and we will put it in the tube, along with a cream spinach and a coconut cake.
We'll get it in.
All we got to do here is get it in.
Let's get the nutrients in the lady.
Go down to some of these.
Some of these are terrifying.
They're just, they're too thin.
They're too thin.
We want the best for her.
She's a really talented woman, and everyone has a problem.
And everyone, everyone does.
This is, but to me, now I haven't had this particular problem, but this can
easily be fixed with a feeding tube.
Put the tube in.
It's like sleep apnea, which I don't have, but a lot of people have it.
And you put that CPAP on, and you go to bed, put the tube in, set it, and
forget it.
Get a tube in, and get one in now.
And fuck them.
I eat through a tube.
I eat through a tube.
Tell them that.
Tell them the eating food, I feel revulsion at solid food.
So I eat like a baby.
And there's nothing wrong with it, because I want the best for her.
Now, this is interesting, because this is being recorded on Wednesday.
Now, happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
Thanksgiving has passed.
I hope it was good.
Now, it hasn't passed yet, but in the magic of the internet, this episode's
being recorded on Wednesday night.
You are going to get this on Saturday after you have Thanksgiving.
I am having Thanksgiving with my cousin, a lovely aunt, my cousin's wife,
fiancee wife.
I think they got married, whatever.
And they're lovely people.
We're going to a restaurant.
Because that's the move when you're older.
The move when you are older, it will take a lot of stress off a family when you
just stop pretending this is a family.
Stop pretending you have a family.
And it will just, it takes the pressure off these situations.
If you have lots of fun kids and everyone's running around, or even if you just
have one kid and there's, if there's a point.
But a lot of families, myself included, are older, childless, ex-addicts who
meet very much like an AA meeting.
And love each other, care about each other, sure.
But it's not, it's not a holiday that's filled with, and I haven't had it yet.
So, by the way, I'm probably wrong.
And it's, it's lovely.
But have a reasonable expectation of what these things are.
They're for children.
Holidays are for children.
And if you don't have a big, happy family, just grab a few people in your
family, and don't try to cook or do anything at someone's home.
Go to a restaurant.
You have an in and an out.
It starts at four.
You're out at six.
Hug, kiss, bye-bye in the car.
Don't do anything in somebody's house unless you have an actual family.
If you don't, do not pretend to.
Release yourself from the idea that you have to pretend to have a family.
Just go to a nice restaurant with people that you enjoy, whether they're blood
relatives or not.
And, you know, that's all you have to do.
That's all you have to do.
Nobody has to be, like, putting a meat thermometer in the turkey.
Hey, cut it out.
Especially all you divorce heads out there, like me.
Once a family has been blended, and it's like a divorced family, unless you get
a really, really good one, you know, there's a ceiling to the love that you
feel.
Because most people will be strangers.
You'll be sitting at a table with people you don't know.
Who are you?
Someone will say that.
When you have a divorced family, somebody at the Thanksgiving will go, who are
you?
And you'll be introducing yourselves to each other at the Thanksgiving table.
Because that's a stranger.
That's someone you don't know, and you just met them because your mommy or
daddy married somebody's mommy or daddy.
And now you're meeting their cousin, whoever.
Just have a reasonable expectation of it.
Meet people.
And sometimes the move is to hit a few Thanksgivings.
Sometimes the move is to hit a few.
We're doing dessert with other people.
You know, whether that's true or not.
You don't want to get in too deep.
Again, if you're in a position like I am where you're a child of divorce, and
you go to a house, and you don't know who any of the people are, and you're
sitting there.
There's a lot of kids.
Some young people listen to the show.
They'll be sitting at a Thanksgiving, and someone will be talking to them, and
it'll be a stranger.
They don't know who this person is.
Your dad is plowing some woman, and he may not even have married her.
Your dad's banging some woman, and her kid is talking to you, or her sister's
husband, whatever, is talking to you, and you're sitting there, and you're 16
or 17 years old, and you're going, I don't know who the hell these people are.
I don't know who they are.
They're not my family.
It's something.
There's something.
You shouldn't be rude to them.
You shouldn't be ungrateful for whatever they do for you.
They might make you a nice dinner, but know that your family has failed, and
you are living in the ruins of that.
Know that.
You're living in the ruins of what was an attempt at a life.
You are now in the ruins of two people's lives, your father's and whoever's.
You're in the pieces that they're trying to pick up off the floor of their life.
Doesn't mean the mashed potatoes aren't good, but just know that you are in an
experiment.
You are now a part of an experiment of people who are trying to, and I don't
begrudge them this, they're trying to figure out their life.
It's, you know, it's nothing to do with you, and do the best that you can in
that environment if you're a child of divorce, or you're in a blended family.
And maybe it's a super cool blended family, like the ones on TV, where
everybody loves each other and everybody, and it's not.
It's not going to be.
So, you just have to do the best that you can, living in the ruins of these
people's lives.
They're trying to create a meaningful life, and you are just around.
And there's nothing wrong with it, by the way.
It's actually good.
It's actually good.
Because you then can, you know, you can enjoy it, and then maybe next year you
go to mom's, or Christmas you go with mom, and whatever.
I don't know.
I don't know how you're going to live your life.
But, you know, I was talking to somebody the other day about Thanksgiving Eve.
People used to go out in that analog, dial-up, weird millennial world.
People used to go out, and they used to go to a bar with their friends.
When they came home from college, and I went to community college, so I didn't
go anywhere.
And Thanksgiving Eve, people would come out.
They'd get really drunk and really fucked up, and they'd see all the people
that they knew.
And then they would realize they couldn't really be friends with those people
anymore because something had changed.
