Name: Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Tim Allen (S03E13)
Uploaded: 2017-09-27T00:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Tim Allen (S03E13)' from Norm Macdonald Live on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Tim Allen (S03E13)' from Norm Macdonald Live on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-27. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Tim Allen (S03E13)

Today's show is sponsored by ProFlowers.
Well, Adam Egott.
Yeah.
It's another show, another day, another show.
Absolutely.
And there's all this stuff in the news lately.
Fake news, real news.
Sure.
Now, you know who it was who coined the term fake news originally.
Kippitata?
Oh, it was me.
Oh, it was you.
Oh, yeah.
Weekend Update.
Weekend Update.
Yeah.
And now it's a real thing.
Fake news, real news.
So I thought what I'd do is collect some news segments.
Okay.
And you see if you think this is real news or fake news.
I follow.
Okay.
You used to jerk off punks under the Queensborough Bridge for 15 bucks a man.
Fake news.
Nope.
That's real news.
Fuck me.
Sorry.
All right.
0 for 1.
I wish.
Real news or fake news.
This is his masterpiece, Old Man.
I love Neil Young.
Okay.
The plaintiff lyrics, Old Man, look at my eyes, I'm a lot like you.
The Canadian songster was actually a 21-year-old suffering from ladder stage
cataracts as well
as masculine degeneration, giving his eyes a cloudy bluish room.
However, Young's vision would be surgically corrected by the time of the
release of his 1971 masterpiece, After the Gold Rush.
Yeah.
Real news or fake news?
I'm going to say real news.
No.
No.
No, it's fake news.
After the Gold Rush was actually released in September of 1970.
September of 1970.
Real news or fake news?
Fred Rogers, of television's Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood.
I love him.
He's rumored to have been a US Army sniper in the Korean War with over 28
confirmed kills.
Even his penchant for long-sleeved cardigans was ascribed to his hiding tattoos
from the eyes of curious little tykes on his TV program.
Fake news, really?
That's fake news.
That is fake news.
Oh, okay.
Rodgers never served in the military.
In fact, he was an ordained minister in the United Presbyterian Church.
And his tattoos were simple self-drawn depictions of the Lake of Fire from the
Book of Exodus.
Fake news or real news?
The country powerhouse duo, big and rich.
Ah.
They're great.
Yes.
Used to have a third member named John Fulicum.
That made them a trio called Big Rich and Full of Cum.
That's gotta be real news.
That's gotta be.
I want it to be real news, too.
Come on!
That's not real?
I think it's real.
We gotta check.
You gotta check that out.
That seems too real.
There's no way that's not real.
I've heard that name.
Big Rich and Full of Cum.
I know.
Big Rich and Full of Cum.
Yeah.
Who's our guest?
Uh...
Anybody know?
Yeah, who is our guest?
Tim Allen's our guest.
Tim Allen's our guest.
Oh, Tim Allen!
It'll be fun.
I haven't seen Tim Allen.
Oh, that'll be great.
Yeah, that'll be fun.
I met him, but he...
He...
I met him when he was at the Montreal Comedy Festival.
I hope we have time to go into that.
And, uh...
How long ago was that?
Oh, it was before I was in comedy.
Oh, Jesus.
22 years ago or so.
Holy shit.
So...
In the Ford administration?
Oh, yeah.
During the Eisenhower administration.
Uh...
Right?
Isn't that what the comics used to say?
During the Eisenhower administration.
I haven't been laid since the Eisenhower administration.
In a moment, joining us, Tim Allen.
In the full hour.
It's Tim Allen.
Hey.
So, our guest tonight, Tim Allen.
I have my trusty sidekick, Adam Ega, with me.
Adam, how you doing?
How are you?
Tim was always, uh...
Communist?
He was a communist.
This is the good intro?
I...
Wow.
I didn't want to bring it up, but...
He was a communist.
No, I don't name names.
The, uh...
But...
Why don't we just get into this?
Because...
What about the intro?
Somebody wrote the intro.
Fuck the intro.
We...
You were talking...
You just brought up communism.
Yeah.
Wow.
And it struck me, right?
Remember McCarthyism?
Mm-hmm.
Uh...
Eugene?
Uh...
No, that was a different McCarthy.
Uh...
I know, but I'm just kidding.
What was his first...
What was McCarthy's first?
Joe?
Joe McCarthy.
Joey.
Tail gunner Joe.
Tail gunner.
Wow.
So, he, uh...
Named members of...
You know, he wanted names of members of the Communist Party.
So, the Communist Party members were named, and then they couldn't work.
Right.
They wouldn't go to jail.
It wasn't illegal to be a communist.
But you couldn't work.
Wow.
And it was the worst thing in the world.
Nowadays, you can say things that people don't like.
And...
Easily.
Right?
And, uh...
And now people go, "Well, um, he has the right to say it, but we have the right
to not employ
him."
So, to me, that's...
You don't have a right.
You don't have the right if...
If you...
If the consequence is that you can't feed...
Exactly.
That was a...
There's a larger issue that my sister and I argue about religion all the time.
It says, "You can do..."
I asked her, "What's the purpose biblically?"
I'm a philosophy major.
"What is God's will?"
Whatever that is.
She says, "Well, to do, you know, do the right thing."
It says, "So, you have free will to do the right thing."
She says, "Yes."
But if you don't do what he wants, then he punishes you.
That's not actually a choice.
Uh-huh.
And this is the same thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Your opinion is valid, but if it doesn't...
If it isn't appealing or whatever that we think is, then you can be punished
for it.
And you have been punished for it.
You know, I don't know.
I said...
I don't...
I know you don't like to say that because you've been so blessed in your life,
probably.
Right, because there's nothing...
My life is fine.
I said, "What's funny to me is that I'm a stand-up comedian.
I've been that way for quite a long time.
And we're anarchists."
True, yeah.
You know, Leno says, "You shouldn't fall in love with hookers."
And that's show business.
Show business is just a prostitute.
It's all a prostitution.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They only like you for a while, then they move on to somebody else.
And it's not...
It's just the way that if you fall in love...
Who knows more about show business than Leno?
Well, and he's...
Really, certainly.
Really, he does.
And he says, "We are blessed to be comedians."
Because people come to see you, they pay money, and you get it.
There's nobody in the middle of that situation.
Yeah, yeah.
I said one time I was doing an interview for...
Well, both...
I did it on MSNBC, which is curious, and I did a Fox interview.
And I said, it went over the interview, "Are you interviewing the character I'm
playing,
or the guy that I am?"
And they said, "They didn't see any difference between that."
And I said, "It's a very different situation.
You don't interview Mel Gibson or Harrison Ford as the guy in Blade Runner."
Yeah, right.
But sometimes they'd want you to be that opinion.
And I said, "My opinion, it's always been that way as a stand-up.
I hate taxes.
I hate it as a stand-up comedian.
I worked hard week by week.
You get cash in an envelope, usually by guys in suits."
That was the weirdest thing about comedy clubs.
That's true.
An envelope would come across the table.
But you'd have to pay taxes.
I had this weird partner, I always said.
And the federal government never helped me.
And I don't know what that was about.
They always assist you in comedy clubs.
What did the government ever do for us as comedians?
Nothing.
And when I was a kid, it was 45%, 50%.
Oh, my God.
Wow.
For regular people.
Right.
For regular people.
For rich people, 80%.
80%.
It was horrible.
That's always been my position as a comedian.
I don't know why we got onto this subject, but this never is tough.
No, no, no, no.
It's something to do with McCarthy and communists?
Is that how this went?
Well, no.
I thought because you brought up communism that we're facing nowadays where you
can get fired for
your political beliefs, and actually communism was a sort of a dangerous thing.
Well, now they're like, everybody likes him.
Yes.
I mean, this is, oh, I look at that as a, and I'm using, I hope Jay doesn't
mind his story.
He's the most, not middle of the road isn't the right word, but he doesn't, he's
not.
Pragmatic.
He doesn't get offensive.
I push some buttons in Vegas when I'm on the road doing comedy.
Jay just said.
You don't want to lose half the audience.
He goes, he just said something about, he passed his wife in the kitchen.
And the whole audience booed, you know, because, oh, a woman in the kitchen.
He goes.
No, I'm just saying she was in the kitchen.
Really?
And then he said, this is, when it gets like this, and even Jerry's had it.
Jerry?
Of all people.
He's not that way at all.
I'm actually, Otto and George.
The great Otto and George.
Oh man, passed away.
But he, I bought one.
Explain to the folks who Otto and George are.
Jesus.
I don't, this is a, this is a comic, comedy team of, of the dummy was beat up
several times.
And night, you actually said, he offended somebody in the audience so much.
A guy came up and stabbed the dummy.
I'm not kidding.
This is like a, there's a guitarist, Monty Montgomery, who's so good that other,
other guitarists, he comes to play here.
Other guitarists, major ones are watching him.
And Otto and George would show up and every comic would be in that audience
going like this.
I couldn't say that.
Nobody, nobody could say what this dude said.
Yeah.
He was, he'd talk to that dummy sometimes privately.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, he'd be doing shows and he'd go, you shut up, dude, you shut up.
And they were going, this is kind of creepy.
I want to just, the dummy one time looked at him, just keep, keep your hand up
my ass and keep my lips moving.
And you shut up.
And he's doing this, going to go, holy God.
I bought one of his lines before he passed away, but way before.
He said, I love, I exaggerate to clarify.
And that's really what I do in comedy.
You know, I try to find, dig down through the weeds and try to find something
similar.
And when we were doing Last Man Standing, we had the staff would come up,
basically a brilliant group of liberal writers,
there's a couple of conservatives in there, but I said that if, to do comedy,
to do comedy, it's funny,
Trump would have to laugh at it and Hillary at the time when Hillary was
running.
It can't be pointed at either one.
It was very difficult to get these guys to say something that wasn't mean spirited
towards Hillary or mean towards Trump.
Yeah.
They both have to laugh at it.
Yeah.
And it just, it was so, you dig down through these.
I remember one time they said, well, do this joke about Trump hating gay guys.
And I said, all right, I'll write it.
I mean, we can get in there.
Where did you, how do we know that that's true?
Well, it's common knowledge.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, I don't, what does that mean?
Well, we all know, he's the type of guy that doesn't like gay people.
I went, wow, that's a little dangerous.
And that's that McCarthy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You can, all of a sudden everybody, that's the way it is.
I said, we can't really make a joke about it unless I have some semblance that
it might actually, did he say something?
Well, he's people said something.
Oh boy, that's kind of creepy.
Yeah.
Or it's like what you say, he seems like.
He seems like the kind of guy that would be that way.
And I said, that gets, because I, I don't think people like the way he looks.
I think that's all it's about.
Remember somebody said we should have that guy from Canada, Trudeau.
Yeah.
Just because he's handsome and young.
Yeah.
That's the benchmark.
Right.
Because if it looks better, then it's got to be better.
But, of course, when the devil comes, you ain't going to look like the devil.
Nice.
Who will he look like?
So what was that week that you possessed the number one book, the number one
movie, Galaxy
Quest?
No, it was Santa Claus.
Santa Claus.
Santa Claus book and then Home Improvement.
My brother mentioned it to me.
He called me up.
He said, do you know that, my crack staff, nobody did.
Nobody at Disney noticed it.
And I, it was alarming because they said, well, that was Monday.
He goes, yeah.
But New York Times bestseller came out that day.
Yeah.
And of all people, Barry Sonnenfeld saw me at a coffee shop.
Ah, that.
He talks like Jay.
Everybody talks like Jay.
It used to be eve