Name: Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Mike Tyson (S03E04)
Uploaded: 2017-08-01T00:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Mike Tyson (S03E04)' from Norm Macdonald Live on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-08-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Mike Tyson (S03E04)' from Norm Macdonald Live on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-08-01. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Mike Tyson (S03E04)

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Ha ha ha. Wait a minute. These are great jokes, by the way, Steve. Congrats.
Oh, good. As always. But I got to tell you, I'm a little nervous because I
haven't seen hide in her hair of Adam Egott, my trusty sidekick, the man who
always sits right there. He's not here. Now, last night, we're here at the MGM.
So we're down on the floor.
So we're down on the floor trying to court Lady Luck. And Adam Egott is playing
blackjack and saying highly racist things to the dealer. But just, I mean, I
don't know much about blackjack, but he would hit 19 against a six, which I
feel is not in the book. I don't think that's how...
Oh, this is a good one. But anyways, I hope he's okay. I haven't seen him since,
uh, since last evening.
But hopefully he'll be here soon, and I won't have to be nervous anymore.
What's that sound? Sounded like Adam Egott falling to his death. Huh. Oh, well.
I don't like the idea of doing the show myself, though.
Oh, Adam, we were just talking about you. Oh, my God. What a day. What is with
all the towels?
It looks like you're not gonna believe this. Yeah. Fell off the roof. Yeah.
Jumped. I'll be honest. I'll be honest. I jumped. But, uh, luck would have it.
First look I've had in two days, by the way. A truck of pool towels caught my
fall. Look at all these free towels.
Oh. Can you believe it? Yeah. Feel that. It's soft. That is nice. So that's
what caught your fall? Yeah. Broke your fall.
Broke your fall? Yeah. Broke my fall? Oh, you said caught your fall. I broke
the bank. Well, they... You broke the bank? No, they, they broke the bank. Did
you say you broke the bank? No, this, this broke my fall. I'm broke. No, you
said broke, you broke the bank.
It didn't work out. It was the opposite of that. Yeah. You were at that goddamn
table. Yeah. That lady, she did that. That's not what you were calling her last
night. Well, look, she took all my money. I know, but where a person's born
doesn't matter. Oh, no.
I've tried to teach you that for so long. And by the way, we have an African
American today on the show. We do? Yeah. So none of that talk. If you want to
say the word you love saying, instead, say the N word. And everyone will know
what you mean. It'll be all right. All right. It's, oh, by the way, it's Mike
Tyson. Iron Mike Tyson. I love Iron Mike Tyson. It's going to be great. I'm
beyond excited. So how much did you lose?
$40. $40. $40? Yeah. That's double your net worth. Yeah. Tell me about it. God,
you should go down to Fremont Street and give guys suck jobs.
Yeah. $1 a man. You'll have that money back in no time. I'll think about it.
All right. Do you want to talk to the camera? That's your favorite part. Not
particularly. Yes, it is. Come on. We'll be back with Iron Mike Tyson.
Right? As well, there you are. Okay.
Tonight, for the full hour, Iron Mike Tyson. What a fucking hour, man. What a
fucking hour? Not a seven hour. But a full half hour.
Oh, okay.
Michael Gerald Tyson. Born in Brooklyn, New York. Raised by his mother, Lorna
May. Yeah.
You tell me if anything's wrong here. From '87 to '90. Undisputed world heavyweight
champion.
That's wrong. That's wrong. Well, yeah, probably from '87 to '90. But I was
really undisputed in '86. But like I said...
Keep going. Keep going. Hey, continue.
You want to keep hearing shit?
No, no, no.
All right.
What can you do?
He had won a WBC title in November of '86 at the tender age of '20.
Mm-hmm.
Becoming the youngest heavyweight champion...
He's a dumb motherfucker, boy.
...of all time.
No.
Soon after, he claimed the WBA crown from James Bonecrusher Smith.
Yeah, that was a very complicated match, but...
It was?
I won.
Go ahead.
Then beat Tony Tucker for the IBF Championship.
Brutal victories against the likes of Pinklin Thomas, Tony Tubbs, Larry Holmes,
Tyrell Biggs,
and Michael Spinks.
Mm-hmm.
Confirmed his status as the best in the world.
I loved the Larry Holmes one.
I'm pretty interested.
You crushed him.
There was a little, uh...
I don't know if you want to get into why you beat him up so bad.
When I was, like, a little kid, probably 1980, I'm, what, 14?
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
So Cuss...
Cuss and Muhammad Ali, they're very close friends, so they were calling each
other.
So they were calling each other before the fight.
And so after the fight, I went with the...
Well, I'm gonna crash.
I went with Cuss to go to the fight, and he really did a number on Ali.
So you've never seen Ali fight before?
No, never in my life.
Yeah.
And I'm thinking, this old man gonna do something?
I'm thinking he's a miracle.
The whole world got...
He's gonna do it.
He's gonna do it four times.
And he's getting pummeled.
And Cuss is so mad.
We get in that car at that...
What is it?
Volkswagen?
Yeah.
We get in that car.
We get in there, and we go from Albany to Casca, 30 miles south from Albany.
And there's not a word said.
Hold.
Hold.
And then the next thing on the...
You're a hero being hurt.
Yeah, the next morning.
Yeah.
The next morning, he called Cuss, and they're talking.
And now, man, Cuss, will you let that bum me out?
Why are you that bum?
And Cuss is screaming.
And then he put him on in front of me.
I just cried out.
Guys.
I said, I'm gonna get him for you when I get big.
You watch.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You tortured him.
Now, was that the fight Ali was, like, sick?
Remember the one that Don King...
No, that was the one with Trevor Burbick.
I got him, too.
Yeah.
And you took him out, too.
Yeah, but...
And was Ali at these fights?
Yes.
He told me, and he came to me and said, "Can't get that for me."
Yeah, baby.
That's awesome.
I remember seeing you, Ali, and Sugar Ray on Arsenio.
It's good stuff.
It's good stuff.
That's good.
That's the Paleolithic diet.
Yeah.
The Hall Show.
Do you remember?
That was a great show.
Yeah, a long time ago.
You, Sugar Ray Leonard, and...
How do you feel now if you started out?
What do you think of this MMA?
Is that considered, like, just not cool for you?
Because you're a master...
It's not cool.
It's really cool.
You think it's cool?
It's the art of fighting.
You think it matches boxing?
It has its own criteria.
Uh-huh.
When you look at it from an individual entertainment sport...
Sure.
But if you get into a fight in the street, everybody's objective.
Even the boxer, to get the guy on the ground.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because when they...
It seems to me that you, if you were starting right now, might go to MMA.
No, I couldn't.
You know why?
No.
I thought that, too.
This should've been different.
Yeah.
And then I saw Hoist Gracie step on somebody's foot.
Yeah.
I said, if anybody step on my foot...
I got the worst foot in the foot.
If anybody step on my feet, my toes will blow up.
My feet are so hard, but...
Oh, there's a...
I have to tap out right away.
Oh, shit.
If you tap on my...
Oh, man, you kick on my feet.
You spit on my feet, I'll die.
That's your...
Yeah.
Your Achilles heel is your foot.
Whoa.
Whoa.
You've seen them, you wouldn't know why.
Really?
Goddamn.
So, if I was to fight you right now, my best strategy would be to kick you in
the foot.
Step on my foot.
Step on your fucking foot.
Oh, man.
You might go down.
I would beg I'll suck your dick.
Please don't...
You suck my dick?
Yeah, don't fucking step on my motherfucking thing.
Exactly.
Don't step on my feet, you stupid motherfucker.
Oh, man.
But you'd be yelling that while you were sucking my dick.
Well, it'd be somewhere in the negotiation part.
I gotcha.
That's why Mitch, Mitch Blood Green knew that at the time.
He didn't know that.
No.
Now, we saw last night the show, which is an incredibly one-man show.
Yeah.
I remember Mitch Green, and maybe I'm remembering it wrong.
I thought it was outside the car or something like that.
Yeah, on the actual street.
It wasn't on the street.
It wasn't on the street, but it started inside.
Okay.
And then when I walked out, he came outside, and that's when I hit him.
And then that's when we were fighting and stuff, and you know, it's got ugly.
And it sounded in the one-man show like you had some respect for him, though.
So you liked him.
Hey, Mitch wasn't a bad guy.
Yeah.
But when he was on that angel dust, he had something else took over.
He did angel dust?
Yeah, that's why he wasn't going down.
Right.
But he did go down because I was stomping on him a little bit.
Yeah.
But he got into the WWE shit.
Yeah, but it took a long time to get him down with a punk.
Right.
You got it right.
Yeah, you're right.
It's dangerous to stomp on a guy for you because he could get your foot.
No.
Well, listen.
Then you'd have to suck his toe.
He got the bottom of my foot.
He didn't get the top of my foot.
Oh, yeah.
He got that bottom.
No.
Excellent.
Yeah.
No, fuck that shit.
Damn, this guy would.
This guy used to jerk off punks under the Queensborough Bridge.
Fifteen dollars a man.
I robbed a couple of punks under there.
Oh, you did?
Yeah.
You look familiar.
I'm okay.
You were in the stir, you said in your show, 70 times.
Yeah.
Arrested.
The hoose gal.
Oh, you were arrested 70 times, but not in prison.
Wasn't always arrested.
Yeah, arrested.
You know when they lock you up and put the handcuffs in.
Yeah, sure.
Your mom's coming to take you home.
Well, you were saying last night that sometimes you get three squares that way.
Yeah.
So it wasn't so bad.
Too bad.
It wasn't so bad because.
I can cook you an ice cream at night.
Oh, that's nice.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Really?
Where you from?
Where you from?
Los Angeles.
They got big juvenile facilities there.
All juveniles are really losing their mind out there.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, I didn't know about that.
No, I got sent away to something, but it wasn't like that.
It wasn't local?
No, you went to a cult.
Yeah.
A lot of people were there on cult court order.
Yeah.
Cult?
Cult court order.
It was like a fucked up.
Yeah, I don't know.
He did a lot of work.
One day I was at, remember when I got arrested in Phoenix, I was discussing the
show.
Yeah, right, right, right.
And so I had to go to out of program.
Like, you go half the day and then you're ou