Name: Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest David Letterman (S03E03)
Uploaded: 2017-07-25T00:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest David Letterman (S03E03)' from Norm Macdonald Live on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest David Letterman (S03E03)' from Norm Macdonald Live on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-25. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest David Letterman (S03E03)

Today's episode is brought to you by Audible, by Bowling Branch, by Dollar Shave
Club, by MeUndies, and by Texture.
So, without further ado, let's begin.
Here is David Letterman.
Hi, Norm.
Hello, David.
Thank you very much.
Thank you for inviting me.
Well, good God.
Introduce me to your buddy.
This is Adam Egott.
Hi, Adam.
My trusty sidekick.
Now, the only context in which I know Adam Egott is your book.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Which I read.
I couldn't put it down, as they say, and read it in like a day and a half, and
I loved it.
And then I knew nothing about this man.
Yeah.
But I knew a counterpart to this man, I believe, at the comedy store named
Harris Pete.
Ah, yes.
Who Harris Pete, when I started, or he sort of came along with everybody in my
group.
He was the doorman for a while, and then became an emcee for a while.
And did you know him?
Did your duties overlap with his?
I came right after Harris had left.
I know he was still there.
He was there for decades, I believe.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Now, how many of the things that Norm writes about in your book are true?
Well...
Regarding you?
Um, that's a tough question.
Um, Norm, what do you think?
Well, should I just go ahead and mention what...
I guess what identifies Adam the most is that I discovered him under the
Queensborough Bridge
jerking off punks for $15 a man.
Is that what you're getting at?
Yes, that's what I was tiptoeing up to.
Yeah.
And I was wondering, uh, even if you're best of friends, can you still print
that about someone
if it's not true?
Or, can you print that about someone if it's true?
And I want to know...
And it's none of my business, but there it was in the book, so I felt like,
well, now I'm
part of this.
Yeah.
I can at least ask.
Sure.
Well, he was a young man, and I was, it was, you know, Boys Town, I was the
savior.
I got, you know, I took him out.
Oh, you, yeah.
Yeah, I didn't, I didn't procure his services.
Right.
Now, Adam is, honestly, and again, none of my business, and you don't need to
be candid
with me, but...
Tell the truth.
Um, yeah, you know, it was a different time.
I was young.
You know, we all have to make our livings, and we all go through rough patches.
Listen, man, New York back in the 70s, that was hard coin, hard kern.
I was just hoping that we could loosen the noose on the ugliness here today.
Okay, that's about all I had for you, Adam.
Thank you.
Well, some people's uglinesses are other people's beauty.
Well, yeah, it seems like you've, not that, oh, you're fine.
Yeah, I should be.
You should be?
I should be.
There's still issues?
I mean, everybody has issues, right?
Well, I certainly don't.
He goes to a psychiatrist.
Have you ever gone to a psychiatrist?
Yes, yes.
What do they tell you?
Well, I've never gone for that particular issue.
Affliction?
Every time I've gone, I've been in great duress, just hot anxiety.
You know what that is?
Just like...
Well, I had panic.
Yeah.
Have you ever had panic?
Yes, I've had panic attacks.
Well, anxiety attacks.
I've had anxiety attacks.
Is it different than panic?
Well, panic attacks, you feel an impending death.
No, not impending death.
I've been led to believe that anxiety is connected to OCD somehow.
Oh.
So you have some SSRI or whatever they're called?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And they work just fine.
But the psychiatrist, I would always go like, you know, I would cut in line to
get to the psychiatrist
because I would believe that my problems are far worse than anybody else's,
with the exception of perhaps Adam.
And I would get there, and I would unload, and I would unload, and I would
unload, and finally, I would be done.
And after I unloaded, I would not feel the need to ever come back.
Oh, I see.
So I would go back a second time just because I felt like they felt invested in
my misery.
You would make stuff up.
And then I would start making stuff up.
Yes, making stuff up.
And I remember one time telling the woman I was seeing, I said, oh, geez.
And she said, what's the matter?
This is not that long ago.
Oh, God.
Making noises, guttural, kind of whistling lung sort of noises.
And she's an elderly woman and delightful.
And I said, I think, oh, God, I think I'm going to vomit right here.
Teasing.
Oh.
And she said, oh, I think you should go home now.
And so I got up and left.
Oh.
So that worked if you want to get out of a session.
They don't like jokes.
I went one time, and I was in Fifth Avenue in just some apartment, you know?
It was an apartment building, and they made me go for gambling.
And anyways, a lady was there, and she kept asking me this question.
I'm joking.
Oh, what about your father?
I'm joking.
She's like, enough with the jokes.
So then I can't joke anymore.
So now I'm just crying, and I can't.
And then she's like, time's up.
I'm like, no, no.
Like, I'll pay anything.
Let me stay.
She's like, get out.
And then you're in the cold New York with hot dog vendors, you know?
Tears going down your eyes.
They don't care about you.
No, and then you head over to the Queensborough Bridge.
You get a little release.
My first time I ever went to a psychiatrist, when I was a boy, I went to a
psychiatrist in
Vancouver, British Columbia, and I went four times.
And I didn't go the fifth time because he committed suicide.
Wow.
So I read in the newspaper, all kinds of problems this guy had.
You know, he was in debt and embezzling and all this.
And all I kept thinking was I wasted like four hours of his last life
complaining about how
I couldn't find a house.
Yeah, I wouldn't blame yourself for this.
No, no, I don't.
No, as long as we can have a good laugh about it now.
That's all that counts, really, if you look at it.
Now, we know where I found Adam.
Where do you find your trusty sidekick, Paul Schaefer?
Wow.
You know, I can talk about Paul to the point of people might think it's exaggeration.
I found him, he was on the, I believe, the sixth floor of our office building
at 30 Rock
when we were starting our, the late night show.
And he had worked at Saturday Night Live.
He was the original musical director on Saturday Night Live, band leader and so
forth.
And then he had gone off to California to make a pilot with Norman Lear called
A Year
at the Top, which did not work.
So I chatted with him for a few minutes and I said, fine, let's, let's, let's
go.
Not full understanding the range of what the guy could do.
Musically, without question, a genius.
You talk to anybody who's been in the show or people who have not been in the
show,
people who have worked with him, a genius.
And, and, and the other thing is the guy can't read music.
And I, I think, how does that work?
Apparently he could read music before the accident.
No, that's a joke.
And then, and then it turns out he's so funny and he, he loves show business in
the way show business is meant to be loved.
Right, right.
Yeah.
Like Martin Short.
That's exactly right.
Um, uh, so you, so this was very lucky.
Did you, uh, ever think before Paul Shaver of getting a, a sidekick, a Ed
McMahon guy?
No, we, uh, we'd had the, the morning show where we had a band, um, and, uh...
Who was the band leader there?
Oh, it'll come to me in a second.
Um, but we also had Edwin Newman, who was, who was a newsman.
I remember that because he, I remember him doing the, when he started the news,
they would applaud.
He would be, uh, you, I would be where you are and, uh, Edwin Newman would be
right here reading the news.
And there was a story about, um, um, a, uh, notorious gangster, a mobster, uh,
had, had died.
Uh, I forget who it was, oddly enough.
And when he reported the death of the man, the audience burst into laughter.
And so, uh, NBC News was...
Was it, uh, Creepy Carpus?
No, it was, it was, uh, again, that name, uh, Frank Owens was the band leader.
Uh, this guy, it was like, uh, Sam Giancana.
Let's say it was Sam Giancana.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And the, and the audience explored his life.
So then, uh, uh, NBC News said, well, this, you can't.
So they, they moved him to a different studio.
Now, what'd you figure after that happened?
After the complete, complete disaster, right?
Absolute failure.
Absolute.
It, uh, a mess.
On the floor.
You know, it was so funny, uh, at the time it was not funny.
Uh, but, uh, my girlfriend of the day and the woman who, uh, created the show
and was the head writer and producer.
Bonnie Franklin.
I was just guessing, I don't know.
Yeah, yeah, Bonnie Franklin.
So, uh, now, uh, we're just taking the weekend off and we, we don't know where
we're going.
We drive up the, uh, the coast of the, uh, uh, the Long Island Sound.
We end up in a town called Mystic where, you know, you can have your picture
taken where
you stick your head through and you're a pirate and that kind of stuff.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And we got the Sunday Times and we're whipping through the Sunday Times and we
come across
this big six or seven page, full page, every page, front and back article about
how the,
uh, NBC daytime network had been destroyed by me.
Right, yeah.
Yeah.
And there's pictures and everything and it just goes on and on.
And that's our Sunday morning.
Yeah.
And, and nobody had bothered to tell me, I mean, we knew things weren't going
well,
but nobody had bothered to tell me that we had single-handedly blown up the
daytime network
and that affiliates couldn't run away fast enough.
And they were getting game shows ready to, because we, we had 90 minutes of
network time that had-
It was a 90 minute show.
Yeah.
Did you deal with the affiliates?
Uh, I had to, I had to make a lot of calls and, and, and in one case, uh, the,
uh, general
manager of the, uh, NBC affiliate in Atlanta said, well, I'll carry it, but you
have to agree
to come down here and host the local Emmys.
Uh, so I, uh, said, okay.
And, uh, I can remember going down there and this is after the show was
canceled and it
was the station that carried wrestling and it was like nonstop wrestling.
Yeah.
And I, I don't know anything about that.
So you honored your obligation even after the show was canceled, you're down
there with
Dick the Bruiser doing a-
I had, I had given my word the same reason I'm here.
Yeah.
And, uh, and, uh, so I, I walk out and they've rented the, uh, ballroom space
at the Hyatt
or something.
And I said, oh, it's a great pleasure to be here.
Uh, and I think this is going to be, uh, get a big laugh.
And I say, yeah, I spent the day in my hotel room watching wrestling and on
their feet cheering,
yes!
And I thought, oh Lord, get me out of here.
So, and, and then I, I, I quickly just became, uh, a piece of furniture.
No, nobody cared who I was.
They, all they wanted was, you know, a, a best, uh, uh, Emmy for best report on
school
crossing guards.
And, and that was the whole night and I got the hell out.
What did, what did they replace?
I mean, what did you replace?
Was it, at that time, was it, uh, was it game shows or was it-
Yeah, some, yeah, they, they brought back, uh, every game show that, uh,
anybody had
ready to go.
And, and there were apparently plenty.
I've seen you on games.
I've seen your host games.
I used to be on game shows, yeah.
You know, I saw you on Password once.
Password?
I used to be a guest on Password, yeah.
You had, uh, one of the best, uh, clues I've ever heard.
Really?
It was for airplane.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
And you said, Aereo Foil.
Air, Aereo Foil?
You don't even know the word?
Well, I know, I know the word Air Foil.
Yeah, Air Foil.
I don't know, Aereo.
Maybe, maybe that's Canadian.
Yeah, Aereo Foil.
Oh, maybe it is.
Yeah.
But the person-
They didn't get it.
They didn't get it, no.
No, no, they said, uh.
I used to like being on the, uh, they said what?
Demosthenes.
I used to come into New York and be on the $20,000 Pyramid.
Oh, that must be fun.
It was fun, except in those days I was drinking and I hated to be on the Aereo
Foil.
Uh, so I, uh, I would just be slam dunk, hungover when they started taping five
shows in a row.
Yeah.
And of course, the, the contestants are, uh, you know, people who, Jesus, I
could use $25,000 