Name: Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Jack Carter (S02E13)
Uploaded: 2014-08-07T00:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Jack Carter (S02E13)' from Norm Macdonald Live on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-08-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Jack Carter (S02E13)' from Norm Macdonald Live on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-08-07. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Jack Carter (S02E13)

today for the full hour jack carter will be with us i have to explain the table
uh we had to get
it lower for mr carter because he broke both legs in a car accident oh my god
but he still shows up
you know why this is a man no because the show must go on have you ever heard
that one i have
yes so jack carter will be here and he will be uh telling us about uh the uh
the real days of comedy
when men were men i'm excited to hear yeah let's have a million stories so
first of course we have
our business to attend to i'm talking about our opening remarks now many times
uh our opening
remarks consist of me telling you a very funny joke yeah always love and you're
laughing and they're
not jokes i make up no they're old jokes but you were telling me that uh you
had compiled some old
jokes i did i went through i went through i found a bunch of old jokes that i
don't think you've
heard before i'd love to uh get your opinion on some okay sure all right so
first one i found uh ladies
on a cruise ship with her little boy he falls over oh yes uh he also had a hat
fair enough you've heard
that one uh here's a good one here's a good one guy dies goes to heaven he has
to wait outside the
pearly gate that's jc you idiot as old man owns the place a dog and a man go
into a
uh... should i have said dimaggio perhaps the point of these jokes is you have
to get a little more
obscure not jokes that any you know child would know
uh... oh here's one okay in a convent not surprised you've been bitching ever
since you got here
carpet here's your cigarette by the way have you seen my canaries how do you
freaking know these all
all right ah a farmer turn the straw around you think i need your germs
i'm not as nice tits lady now where do you want these venetian blinds
there's a parrot okay i give up what'd you do with the ship
why do you know these fuck all right uh all right a polish kidneys really yes
everyone knows this
oh god uh a tapeworm where's my cookies how do you even know that one okay
because they're all
hacked you gotta get something come on man okay all right here you are here you
go now i got one
for you i'm right near i want to be the audience there's a cannibal honestly
how did you even know i was
going to say cannibal this clown tastes funny oh it's beyond frustrating well
come on there must be
something in there something okay what time is it when an elephant sits on a
fence
what time is it when an elephant sits on a fence really
i remember there was a branch of elephant jokes at one
i don't know what time is it when an elephant sits on a fence it's time to get
a new fence
what time is it when an elephant sits on a fence and i don't know what time is
it when an elephant sits on a fence
I quit.
I quit.
I didn't think--
Oh.
We'll be back with Jack Carter right after this.
Tonight, for the entire hour, the legendary Jack Carter.
He has hosted Calvacate of Stars.
He was a frequent guest on the Ed Sullivan Show, the Joey Bishop Show.
He was on Match Game.
I don't know why they put that one on.
Say hello to the great Jack Carter, trusty sidekick Adam Egan.
Go ahead.
Say hello.
Oh, Mr. Carter.
We were speaking--
We were about the Jack Carter Show for three years.
Yeah, why didn't they put that on?
On NBC.
Before Sid Caesar, yeah.
Wait a minute.
You were the lead-in to Sid Caesar?
The lead-in.
It was called the Saturday Night Review.
And I was so spectacular at my hour.
Yeah.
And I had to come from Chicago because the cable went the wrong way.
So I had to go to Chicago.
I had to import all my stars.
So they thought I'd be trapped.
But the Chapery Night Club in Chicago had like Tony Martin, the Ritz Brothers,
the Marx Brothers.
The Ritz Brothers.
I like them.
Marx Brothers, the greatest stars.
I saw them at the Follies in Palm Springs.
Yeah.
Have you ever heard of that place?
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, that's--
In Palm Springs, they have a place in the Follies and they have old--
Yeah.
But there's an old-time guy running at Ritz.
Oh, yeah.
With a funny name.
Riff Markowitz or something.
Riff Markowitz.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, no, that folded.
No, I had--
Yeah, we were speaking moments before.
I had the biggest names on my--
On the Jack Carter show.
I was on Dumont.
Was that what the Jack Carter show was on?
The Dumont was, yeah.
Was that what the show of shows was on?
No, Saturday Night Live.
Mm-hmm.
I created Saturday--
They said nobody'd say "Home Saturday."
Yeah.
I said, "Baloney, the watch."
And I was a big hit.
Yeah.
And that's when NBC bought me to put me on before.
Oh, I see, I see, I see.
I see, I see.
And then Max Liebens, his producer, went crazy because my show was such a hit.
Mm-hmm.
And he said, "No sketches, no singing stars, no opera."
And I had that.
But that's what he had.
So he fought to get me off NBC.
So the show, when you went to NBC, the show of shows was already a hit.
Oh, it was already a hit, yeah.
And so--
No, it was, yeah, it was doing well.
But then my hour before, it kind of took away from it.
So Sid Caesar was--
Because he thought I'd just do jokes and vaudeville and cockamamie, you know.
But I put on good people.
I'd get opera people.
I'd get good sketch people.
I had original songwriters.
I was more productive and he got furious and went to NBC and screamed and
yelled.
Caesar?
No, no.
Max Liebman.
Oh, I see.
Liebman.
He was a terrible man.
What about Sid Caesar?
No, Sid, we remained friends till I buried him the other day.
I did the eulogy.
Oh, yeah.
He died a terrible cripple.
He died-- he really did-- he was emaciated.
He was, huh?
This strong bull of a guy.
Yeah, powerful.
Who was such a powerhouse, really just fell apart, you know.
Yeah.
Now, we were speaking moments before we went on the show about that you felt
privileged to work with these titans of comedy.
Well, yeah, I was thinking the other day, I remember sitting in Vegas at the Flamingo,
which was the hotel I worked a lot.
Yeah.
I headlined the Flamingo.
I headlined every hotel there.
And I said, gee, headliner, you gotta really draw people.
Yeah.
I headlined the Sands, the Sahara, but my favorite was the Flamingo.
I was known for the Flamingo.
And one day, Jack Benny and George Burns come in to my room.
And Benny just stood there and went, well, you know, you do more in 45 minutes
than I've done in my entire career.
And we became--
But Burns--
No, when you say that--
Sorry, talk about Burns.
Burns and I were really close.
Yeah, yeah.
George Bryce was wonderful.
He's a wonderful man.
Yeah.
Wonderful, wonderful.
I'm not a gruddy.
I forget my Burns jokes now.
But when you say Jack Benny--
I mean, he's at the age now when a girl says no, he says thank you.
Yeah, at my age, sex is like having--trying to shoot poor with a rope.
That was a great one.
But just to be a kid in my father's candy store radio, listening to the Jack
Benny show, then
no, 20 years later, I'm going to be out with Jack Benny.
That's unbelievable.
And Mary.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh.
Now, Jack Benny, but when he said that, that has truth to it, though, because--
Did Jack Benny ever do stand-up?
Sure.
He did.
He did stand-up.
Well--
So he did it at that pace?
He came to see me in Vegas with George.
He was in drag.
He played Gracie.
Oh, that's hilarious.
And that was in that big--that went to Sahara.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So George was George, and Jack came out on--he loved to get dressed.
Yeah.
In a dress.
Yeah.
He wasn't gay.
He was Faye.
Yeah.
Now, when I've seen you do stand-up, which is only a few times, one time I
remember I
saw you, and it was more of a conversation--
Well, I started as a mimic, so it was easy.
I won--
You started as a mimic.
A mimic, yeah.
Impressions.
Everybody did back then.
You did Major Bows.
You did other amateur hours.
Major Bows was a television show that was an amateur hour.
Awesome.
It was the biggest.
It was the forerunner of--later was Arthur Godfrey, and then it was something
else.
But the Major Bows, then you went on tour.
And on my first tour was Paul Winchell, the ventriloquist, and Sinatra.
Frank was with the Hoboken Four.
Wow.
But they picked them out single.
And we got 40 bucks to tour.
Yeah.
And worked every major theater in America.
That's amazing.
Yeah.
God.
But then I did only impressions.
I did Cary Grant.
I did Peter Lorre.
Yeah.
I did ones nobody did, so I was--
Yeah.
How did Cary Grant go?
I did Bela Lugosi.
Oh, how'd that go?
Bela Lugosi, come to my grand.
Blah, you're going to go to a grand, blah, blah.
I'm going to go blah.
He had no languages, blah.
He was blah.
When I saw you in the stand-up--
And I actually had him on a sketch on one of my shows, Boris Karloff.
Oh, you do him, too.
The sweetest man that ever lived.
Thank you very much, Jack.
I'm so happy.
He had lived, you know, sort of.
And we made him a-- he had a kid, and he was the babysitter.
Yeah.
A good guy.
Good writer.
That's a funny idea.
That's a great idea.
Don't worry, I'll take care of the youngster.
Oh, I'd feed him number three, nine.
And Soda, he loved it.
It went well.
Was he British?
British, yeah.
He was British, huh?
Boris Karloff.
Oh, yeah, British.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I didn't realize it until I just took your impression.
Boris.
But he had a big lift, Boris.
Yeah.
Boris Karloff.
When I saw you do stand-up, you were like a powerhouse.
You never stopped talking.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I was, like, driven.
And I remember you telling a story about Sam Snead being the meanest man you
ever met.
Yeah.
Remember that?
No, but that was so true.
Yeah, he was a nasty man.
Yeah.
I remember I was at Pinehurst.
I did a show at the club.
Oh, Pinehurst.
They just had the US Open there.
He was the pro, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And he charged people 100 bucks just to walk around the course with him.
Oh.
You know?
And then he gave her a lesson.
He charged lessons with 250.
And I went along.
I went just for laughs.
And the woman said, "Well, do I hold the club like this?"
I said, "You hit the goddamn ball, lady.
Hit the shit out of it.
Hit the ball."
"Well, maybe if I stood no tail, just hit the damn ball, let's move on."
He was terrible.
Now, you had a question about something?
The Friars Rolls?
The Friars Rolls.
Yeah.
I mean, I just saw that...
Are you still in the Friars Club?
Or were you a member of the Friars Club?
Of course, everybody was.
Yeah, so...
The Friars of New York was big.
Why?
They hired me.
They had big dinners.
They still do, apparently.
Gigantic.
No, they're all gone now.
Very recently, Ush.
But in those days, we honored Jack Benny, Burns...
Big ones.
Big guys.
Yeah, big, big guys.
Do you know who they just honored recently?
I was good at roasts.
Do you know who they honored just recently?
Not a big guy.
No.
In my estimation.
Who?
But he might be your best friend, so I don't want to say...
No, I have no best friend.
Freddie Roman.
Oh, Freddie I like.
Freddie's a huge guy.
But I always thought of him as sort of a second tier.
He is, he is, yeah.
He can be nasty, too.
He can?
Yeah.
Would he be...
Would you also classify him as sort of a second tier?
Yeah, second or third, even.
Yeah, there you go.
He's Joey Bishop.
And Norm Crosby also fits in that group.
He fits there, too?
Yeah, they're all opening acts, I call them.
Gotcha.
They opened four stars.
Yeah.
And they never, they never got bigger than that.
They never became headliners.
So they're not gonna, they're not gonna, they're not gonna...
Their name on a marquee's not gonna mean much.
No, drive people out.
It's called a drive-out theater.
Put your name out, people drive out.
So...
Get ready for driving.
How about a drive out?
They're doing a roast for Freddie Roman, and what happens?
It was a couple months ago when Shecky Green was so upset by...
I don't know if you're familiar with the comedian, Gilbert Gottfried,
was a little too dirty for Shecky's taste.
Oh, yeah, Shecky.
And Shecky...
You know Gilbert, you know Gilbert Gottfried?
Yeah.
Yeah, so...
Yeah, the water screams at nothing!
Yeah, yeah.
And Shecky's a sweetheart.
Right.
He's the last of the greats.
Yeah.
You wanna talk about first ti