Name: Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Roseanne Barr (S02E10)
Uploaded: 2014-07-14T00:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Roseanne Barr (S02E10)' from Norm Macdonald Live on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-07-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Roseanne Barr (S02E10)' from Norm Macdonald Live on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-07-14. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Roseanne Barr (S02E10)

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Thanks for the full hour, Roseanne will join us.
I'm here with my trusty sidekick, Adam Egan.
How are you, Norm?
Good, good. How are you?
I'm great. Dandy. Just dandy.
You're dandy.
Mm-hmm.
Well, as long as you're feeling good.
Oh, yeah. I had a little snack before the show, as you know I like to do.
It helps keep the energy up.
Well, it's important to have energy when you're doing a show, certainly.
But I don't know, there's something odd about you tonight. Are you okay?
No, no. Everything's great.
I feel dandy.
And when you hear dandy, you know what's great?
Dandy makes everything A-okay.
Okay, well, that's good. Are you looking forward to Roseanne?
Oh, I am. She's a classic. A real classic. Just like the right kind of snack
food can be a real classic.
I get it. You like your snack. Do you have any questions for Roseanne?
I do. What have you been working on lately? Where do you get your ideas from?
Have you tried dandy's new potato chips with sea salt?
Well, those are pretty stupid questions. Although, I do like that one about
where she gets her ideas from.
Oh, it's a dandy. A real dandy.
Why are you talking like an old prospector? You know, maybe you need a
different snack to get your energy back up.
You might be right, Norm. In fact, I could go for some dandy pretzels. Or even
some delicious dandy potato chips.
Or any other top quality products in the dandy family of fine packaged foods.
Wait a minute, Adam. You're not usually this articulate.
Boy, I can't help it, Norm. I'm just so excited thinking about these new dandy
habanero pepper potato chips coming soon.
Adam, we got to get on with the show.
I was thinking, Norm, why not make the show more like a party where we could
have dandy potato chips.
Or dandy pretzels. Or even, we can try some of these new dandy peanuts.
What are you doing?
A new convenience snack.
What is this? Dandy this and dandy that. What are you doing?
Was it that obvious? I was trying to weave it into the narrative.
Adam, are you getting paid for this?
Well, I know a guy. A local distributor. We went to middle school together.
Is the show getting paid for this?
No. I'll be honest. Look, I don't get any money for this gig.
And I need to try and cover my gas costs.
So you're doing product integration for this show. And you're keeping the money.
I'll be honest. It wasn't very well thought out.
They gave me a carton of new dandy ripple chips.
Apparently they're good for dipping. I don't know.
Annie, could you get my Louisville Slugger for me, please?
Oh, no. I'm not.
Ah, the Louisville Slugger.
Wait, why?
It's an American tradition. Quality, craftsmanship, and pride.
You can find them all when a sporting good bears the name Louisville Slugger.
Oh, God.
You see, I care enough to use a brand name.
That's right, dandy.
Why don't you just say brand X, you bum?
It's called authenticity.
You're not worth a bank penny, you damn drunkard.
We'll be back with Roseanne.
Well, you know what they say, if you both make it this far, you've won, and
that's complete bullsh**.
She is an Emmy and Golden Globe winning actress, comedian, writer, producer,
director, hit show Roseanne.
Ran for nine seasons, followed by a talk show, The Roseanne Show, as the
nominee for the Peace and Freedom Party.
She placed sixth in 2012.
She is now judge on Last Comic Standing, Thursday nights at NBC, and her new
series, Momsters.
Yeah.
On the ID channel.
Premieres on the ID channel.
Yeah.
All murder all the time.
I love that channel.
The indomitable Roseanne.
Hey, you always like, I remember you always like serial killers.
Oh, yeah.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, I, yeah.
I know everything about all that on the-
I got to tell you a story, Roseanne.
Uh-uh.
And the things you say, I'm like, I did what?
This happened, uh, uh, uh, it's just going to trial now in Canada.
Oh.
But it's a tremendously big story in Canada.
What this guy did is he, um, killed his gay lover, um, and, uh, on, uh, on
video, he killed him online, streaming online.
He killed him.
I think I heard of him.
Bound him up and ate him while he was still living.
And you heard the throes of the, of the persons, uh, uh, the lovers, you know,
this, you know, this, this was his soulmate for life, and now he's feasting on
his viscera.
And so he would scream his death rattle, which made the guy hungrier.
And he ate more, like this and everything.
And then he cut, I mean, this guy was a real jerk.
Yeah, that ain't right.
That's not right.
Not at all.
It's not good.
No.
And so I remember reading about, I don't think I read that he ate him alive.
Oh, ate him alive.
There's a lot of crazy people like that that are, like, cannibals and stuff.
Yeah, yeah.
There was a guy, there was a guy in Germany that put an ad in the paper.
I saw that, too.
Oh, yeah, I read that.
And people answered the ad, and he got off.
And that guy answered the ad, yeah.
He got off.
Because they wanted me to kill him.
It was consensual sex and eating.
And cannibalism.
That's just eating to eat.
Yeah, that's way beyond obsessive.
Yeah, yeah.
Jenny Craig corrects.
Yeah, yeah.
You can't correct that shit.
Remember when you were on, Roseanne, and you had some weight loss thing, and
then you just
said, fuck it, I'll keep the money.
Oh, I got so much.
Yeah.
No, I didn't say, fuck it, I'll keep the money.
No, but to yourself, you're like, fuck it, I'll keep the money.
And if they say anything, or to me, somebody, you said, fuck it, man, I'm
keeping the money.
And if they come after me, I'll just say, the product doesn't work.
That's brilliant.
I think so.
Remember Roseanne?
Yeah, I kind of remember that.
That was fucking awesome.
Wasn't that fucking awesome?
That was the greatest.
Roseanne gave me a job.
Yeah.
The first person, because back then, you could only be a writer if you went to
Harvard and
stuff.
And you know, when I first went in that room, no, no, girl.
When I first went to Harvard, when I first went to that writer's room, I mean,
when I first
went to that writer's room, no, I never got past high school, but when I first
went to
that writer's room, I was so afraid, because Harvard, and then they're just a
bunch of idiots.
I mean, they're not funny, maybe they're smart, I don't know.
Well, they needed comics around them to get them going, because, you know,
mostly, I guess
when you go to Harvard, it kind of, I shouldn't say all these words, but it's
kind of fun.
Well, I guess it sort of rots out in your brain or something and kills all your
creative
instincts when you go to Harvard.
Yeah.
And then it's like, you can only regurgitate shit you've already seen 300 times
on other
shows.
Oh, yes.
But it could be the Prozac.
I'm not sure.
No, no, that's true.
Because I, one time, had a TV show, and then a guy told me, oh, yeah, they did
that on Friends.
I was like, what?
I stole an entire episode from Friends?
Yeah.
The guy's like, yeah.
I don't know that.
They do that, because they don't have lives or anything.
And all they do is sit and watch TV for shit to steal.
And people don't realize, like, there's only a certain, there's only a couple
good shows.
So there's nobody that only writes on Roseanne.
They came from, like, they worked on dinosaurs for one season and then over to
Small Wonder
and then made it their way to Roseanne.
So they're not...
Yeah, they go in that circuit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
In that circuit.
And they only know one way to do things.
Right.
Because this is my memory of Roseanne, is that they would write the script.
You would say it's no good.
Sometimes.
Sometimes.
But mostly what I learned from you from writing was too many jokes.
There's too many jokes, you know.
That's what you'd say.
Too many fucking jokes.
And then the writers would say, oh, we like our jokes.
But then they'd take out the jokes.
And then the show would be, the episode would be a big hit.
And then the next week, same thing again.
Yes, same thing.
They forgot that you were right.
Yes, yes.
And the jokes, they weren't just jokes.
They were jokes you heard 900 times.
I mean, whenever I heard a good original joke, I would keep it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fuck the plot.
Right, right, right.
Fuck the humanity.
Get the joke.
Right?
If it was great.
Sure.
And sometimes, of course, it was great.
But, you know, if it was like just a, you know, nothing new, you didn't need it.
One time I had a director who came up to me.
And I wanted to do it one way.
He wanted to do it the other way.
And he came up, this is a way of reassuring me.
He goes, just do it my way.
I've seen it work a thousand times.
That's great.
He was the same guy.
He told me, I wanted Burt Reynolds on the show.
And he was like, oh, you don't want him.
He's crazy.
And I'm like, no, I don't want you.
I want him.
Like, you know, I kind of wanted a crazy guy, which is what I wanted to talk to
you a little
bit about.
Oh, yeah.
Burt Reynolds.
With this notion of crazy.
Yeah.
Burt Reynolds.
But he's funny.
I remember one time he caught his hair on fire when he was over.
On the lot.
Yeah.
He was making, he came over and he had caught his hair on fire.
I don't know how.
They're like, oh, you better go to the doctor.
You've got a big freaking hole in your scalp.
Because Roseanne's show was on Radford, along with Seinfeld and Evening Shame.
Evening Shame, yeah.
And I remember hearing a story, all those stories about Burt.
And he would go on his hiatus, he'd go away and hire people for the show.
And then people would show up, quit their job, you know, in whatever bar he
just found them
in.
Oh, that's great.
And they'd come and go, we're ready to work.
And he'd go, what?
And they'd just pay him off.
Oh, that guy'd have to go home.
But can you imagine that?
Like you're in your little town and Burt Reynolds shows up at your candy store
and offers you
a job.
That's kind of, what was he thinking?
I don't know.
But I think he had some, you were talking about, you had OCD.
He must have had some crazy stuff.
What is OCD?
What is OCD?
OCD is obsessive compulsive disorder.
Yeah.
Yeah, where your head just goes around and around and around.
You can't get out of this circle.
It's like you've got to do things over and over and over.
You try to change things and control things.
Use control, right?
Micromanage everything and it just all goes wrong and blows up on you.
But you never used to have that.
Oh, I have that.
Are you kidding?
I was born like with something.
Yeah?
Something a little goofy.
Yeah?
Yeah, my whole family's old.
I got here on the cheat sheet.
Cheat sheet?
Yeah, it's a cheat sheet.
Those are your notes.
Yeah.
But it said that you, it says somewhere in here, some fucking thing about, that
you went
to a mental institution.
Oh, several times.
Not just one.
More than once?
Hell yeah.
Yeah, baby.
And there was crazy people there?
Yeah.
And what happened?
I was one of them.
Yeah.
But how do you deal with the other crazy people?
Not crazy, but what do you call them?
Mental health survivors is what we say now.
Yeah.
But you know, people have like another reality.
Yeah.
And you know, some of them are dangerous and some of them are freaky and some
of them are
genius.
Yeah.
So, you know, you just try to, you just try to live through it.
But you know, they got good therapists that can help you get your shit straight.
Yeah.
You know, losing touch with reality sometimes.
My brother is a paranoid schizophrenic.
Oh, that's the worst one.
Yeah, it's bad.
That's too bad.
Yeah.
Is he on medication?
Oh, sure.
Is he okay?
The medication's a lot better than he used to be.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Is he all right?
Well, he's okay.
Functional?
He's functional.
That's good.
He doesn't work, but he lives in like a home with like four other people.
That's a tough one, man.
Yeah.
It's jus