Name: Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Todd Glass (Pt 1) (S02E06)
Uploaded: 2014-06-16T00:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Todd Glass (Pt 1) (S02E06)' from Norm Macdonald Live on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-06-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Todd Glass (Pt 1) (S02E06)' from Norm Macdonald Live on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-06-16. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Todd Glass (Pt 1) (S02E06)

Tonight, for the full hour, Todd Glass is with us.
You know Todd.
I love Todd.
We have a studio audience all of a sudden somehow.
Todd's a very popular guy.
Todd Glass will be with us.
Now, how are you doing, Adam Hegan?
I'm doing well.
It's good to be there.
My trusty sidekick.
That's right.
You look good?
You look nice?
Thank you.
Yeah.
I'd like to shove my fucking cock in your mouth.
No, I'm kidding.
But did you ever hear the joke about the fella that he went to a house and it
was very isolated.
And there was a woman there and her mother.
And they looked very much alike.
Do you ever have occasion to see that, where the mother looks so young and it
could almost
be a sister?
Yeah, for sure.
And so he was with the mother and the daughter and he went to bed and he turned
off the lights.
It was very dark as it is in summer, as it is in the country.
And someone entered, and someone entered, opened the door at night, and he was
a little frightened.
Who is it?
And he heard the voice of this woman.
He wasn't sure if it was the mother or the daughter.
And she came over and she said, it's so lonely here, you know.
There's been no men.
And she caressed his arm.
And one thing became the inevitable.
They had sex?
Yeah.
So we don't have to be coarse about it, but yes.
And the next day, as the lady's leaving, it's 4 a.m.
And she's like, the light's about to come on.
I must leave.
And the fellow says, but who are you?
I must know.
I must know which you are.
No, you can't know.
And so the next day, the man wakes up, and they're having breakfast.
And he looks, you see, from the mother to the daughter, trying to find a signal
from them,
but gets nothing, you know.
And so that night, the same thing occurs.
And again, he says, I must know.
Who are you?
You can't know.
I'm going to Melbourne tomorrow.
I must know.
You can't know.
So she goes.
Next day, he talks to them again.
And he says, he's still getting nothing from them, you see.
So the next night, the same thing happens.
And he says, I must know this, after she vanishes into the house.
He says to her, I'm going to Melbourne tomorrow.
Will you go with me?
Your caresses are so wonderful.
And your lovemaking is non-perial.
And he feels the tears run down his chest from the girl.
She goes, I can't go.
I cannot go.
So he still doesn't know if it's the mother or the daughter.
And as he's leaving, he shakes the hands of both the mother and the daughter,
and he shakes them firmly to try to get some feeling from them.
But nothing, still nothing.
And so he leaves.
And the old man, the driver, drives him to the boat where he is to sail away to
Melbourne the next day.
And the old man says, you know, why this place is so isolated?
No, no.
The man says, why?
Well, it's so isolated, you see, because there is another sister that lives
there.
A leper.
So he fucked a leper?
Well, let's not be coarse.
Good God, man.
That's not how you tell a joke.
That's supposed to happen through your mind.
That's supposed to.
Well, yes, he did fuck a leper.
Our guest tonight, Todd Glass, we'll be discussing that when we return.
Sales have not been hot lately, so.
Okay.
All right.
So what, should we go to a commercial break?
Or just, we just keep it going?
I mean, it's up to you.
Okay.
Should we try some other colors on you?
Should we try some colors on me?
Let's go with this.
This is like a sort of rat kind of thing.
Like, it looks sort of like a witch's hair.
Do we have a caller on the line?
There's no calls.
We're not selling anything, guys.
Tonight, for the full hour, Todd Glass, veteran comedian and podcast pioneer,
is with us.
And now, best-selling author.
Todd Glass.
How are you doing, Todd?
I'm doing very good.
Good, man.
We've been trying to get...
I'm doing very good.
You've been trying...
You know, I don't want to start.
It seems like the shtick right away.
We've been trying to get a hold of you.
No, no.
Don't make it like that.
That's not even true.
It is true.
We've been trying...
One time, you asked me to do the show.
Yeah, remember?
And then I was going to do it.
Yes.
And then you had to cancel.
We were...
We were at...
Somehow he's turned the whole thing around.
Like, I'm avoiding his calls.
No, we were at the big...
YouTube.
The YouTube...
I don't know.
YouTube...
Yeah, the big...
Comedy week.
The comedy week.
The comedy week of YouTube, and you were on the red carpet.
I'm sure people that put a lot of work into that week are glad we're sitting
here.
What was the thing with the thing?
What's the thing?
Well, no.
I'm trying to...
I know you.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to interrupt you.
I was doing my best to give it its due respect.
Right.
I know.
Oh, why not?
Smells like a fucking pot dispensary in here.
Oh, pshh.
Norm.
Let's stay on track here.
Let's stay on track.
So you were saying, oh, it's been hard for us to get you.
Yeah.
But the truth is, maybe that's your way of saying you're glad I'm here, but it
hasn't
been that hard.
No, it's been...
It's been hard for me to get on.
Jesus Christ.
I feel like I'm getting...
It's getting normal time.
You know what I'm saying.
I'm making sense.
It's not you, is it?
No.
No, I'm not going to...
Let's move the show in a good order here.
Yeah, you brought notes.
I wrote one thing down while I was outside.
First of all, I'm so excited to be here.
Like, I love you, you know?
Yeah.
So I'm very excited to spend an hour.
We both have to turn our phones off.
This is better than the real life.
But you don't seem...
You seem different.
You know, let me...
Okay, I'm going to go out...
I'm going to go out of order.
That's okay.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm going to remember this.
It's legal.
It's legal.
Okay.
It has to do with what you just did.
Medicinal marijuana is legal.
Here's what Norm did.
And I wrote this down.
And then we'll get back to what I had to hear.
Norm fucks with people.
First of all, when I say I love you,
like, that's the truth.
Like, you know, being around you,
your energy, it's fun.
But I had to learn a little bit.
He used to come to my house.
I have like a...
What am I talking?
I don't know where to talk to anymore.
This is your train.
I don't mean over all in life.
I mean, just now.
As Chris Elliott would say,
this is your train.
Right, so he would come to my house
and we have a fire pit.
We'd sit around and most people...
This is a wonderful house.
And parties.
That you...
I'm just helping.
Okay, thank you.
Yeah.
That's real help.
Anyway.
I'm sorry.
No, what are you, Ed McMahon?
So anyway, he would come to the house
and then he would say something about,
like, you know,
I have to use a real example.
Like, I'm very anti-hitting kids at all.
Just, okay, I'm not...
We don't have to get into it now.
But anti...
So, Kenny, you're really going out on a limb now.
No, everyone knows that we're not...
There's certain people that go,
of course not abuse,
but a proper spanking.
I'm against that too.
Oh, you're against spanking.
Yes, yes.
Of course, no,
I'm not defending child abuse.
I don't want to go out...
A lot of people won't say it,
but I don't like child abuse.
I'm dying to know where the story's going.
Yeah, so Norm would sit there
and somehow...
So you're against spanking.
Yes, even spanking.
With children.
Yeah, well,
unless it's two consenting adults,
I don't really have any...
Yeah, spanking.
What about when they get you
and then it hits the back of your balls?
Oh.
That's just all great timing
because I don't know what you meant.
Oh, you mean when you're naked?
Oh, naked spanking's even grosser.
Really?
Sure, it's like going...
Especially when parents go,
I'm going to pull your...
No, no, I'm not with two consenting adults.
Oh, I thought you...
Why would a father get naked
to spank his child?
A lot of parents...
Okay, I know
and I know what I'm talking about.
A lot of parents think,
oh, I'm going to pull your pants down
and spank you
which is grosser.
It's like,
it's not already humiliating
that I'm going to hit you.
Now I'm going to show your penis
which is embarrassing
and that's a great punishment right there
that a normal person
gives a young child.
So what does it say?
So it says,
you would come there
and I said something about it
and you went off how it's all right
and you...
For like 45 minutes
we're like,
Norm, he goes,
well, you know,
cans, you know,
and I'm like...
So then,
he goes,
I'm just kidding.
Then he goes off
on an hour dissertation
that was so articulate
and so eloquent
that said what I felt
better than I could say it
so he was just fucking
with everybody
for 45 minutes.
You think that'll never happen again
and it did.
Month later,
something came up in politics.
You just throw stuff out there
and then you get everyone worked up
and then you go,
nah, nah,
and then you give...
I'm a provocateur.
What else you got
in the paper?
The one thing I wrote,
I go,
the most painful thing
in the world for me
is that I realize
and it's so true.
One of the most,
not physical pain,
but just mental pain
is waiting to talk
and that's what
I was doing out there.
You know,
you're outside there
or they're talking
but you're waiting to talk.
That's not all
you were doing outside.
You know,
I think you tricked me.
You tricked me.
This is so embarrassing for you.
I don't know
if I should admit it.
I'll tell you this.
You don't want the truth out.
A friend of mine was like you.
He was a comic
and he'd always get real stoned.
Okay, Norm.
Norm.
It's legal.
Norm Esch.
It's legal.
I almost don't want to admit this
because it makes him look so bad.
He made me smoke pot.
This is the truth.
I don't believe in God
but my truth.
Outside he goes,
come on,
you'll smoke,
you'll smoke,
you'll smoke.
I'm like,
if you want me to smoke,
I'll smoke.
I didn't plan on it
because I get chatty.
I had a bad experience
with getting dug and high.
We cross promote.
I meant a cigarette.
No, you didn't.
I meant the vapor.
No, you didn't.
Other than they gave me pot
by accident.
I don't know.
You're producing.
Shadow Cons
was supposed to give you
the vapor.
You gave me a little bit of pot
but I didn't want to talk about it
because I didn't want that
to be the thing.
Pot instead of vapor?
You were supposed
to give them vapor.
Either way,
what's that meant?
It doesn't matter.
It's legal.
It's legal.
So anyway,
then two minutes later
he goes,
come on,
come on,
get high.
It's no different
than alcohol.
I'm trying to plow past this.
I'm going to get to my point.
Well, I'm trying to help you.
You know me.
No, I know.
I'm very on to you right now.
Okay, here's what I'm doing.
You said,
and you said,
smoke, smoke.
This is the truth.
I mean,
like whatever word I have,
this is the truth.
And then about 10 minutes
he asked me again.
I'm like,
how do I smoke?
And I thought of my night?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Then he goes,
yeah.
And then he goes,
that's all you're smoking?
So I took more.
Then we get on here
and he goes,
I smell powder.
What?
How did you set me up?
No, I didn't even talk that much.
But it's funny,
you wrote those little notes
when you were stoned
because my friend,
he would get stoned
and he'd go,
I thought of all these ideas
and everything,
but I never write them down.
So he goes,
I'm going to write them down.
I'm going to have a little notebook
and write down
whatever I think is funny.
And so he said
he woke up one day
after getting really stoned
and on his pad
he had written,
that's really funny.
Is that funny?
Oh, that's fucking great.
That's the bad,
that's the bad side
of smoking sometimes.
Have you ever had
a bad experience
like before going up
where you smoked too much pot
and then you go on stage
and it just did not work out?
And the audience
didn't care for it much?
You know,
maybe once or twice,
but I really don't.
One out of every two times?
No, once out of every twice.
50%.
Once or twice in my life.
Oh, oh.
I only started smoking pot
maybe,
I mean on stage.
I'm always afraid
if you're off a little.
People that smoke pot
more than you think
you're always fighting
with them when you go,
I only smoke pot
four times a week.
Yo