Name: Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Fred Willard (S02E05)
Uploaded: 2014-06-09T00:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Fred Willard (S02E05)' from Norm Macdonald Live on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-06-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Fred Willard (S02E05)' from Norm Macdonald Live on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-06-09. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Fred Willard (S02E05)

Well, today's episode of Norm Macdonald Live is brought to you by our old
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Tonight, Fred Willard is our guest, and we couldn't be more excited.
My trusty sidekick, Adam Egan, is here.
And Adam, how cool is it to have Fred Willard?
He's the best.
He's the greatest.
I grew up watching.
I love him.
Fernwood's Night, do you remember that?
No, it was a little before my time, but I remember D.C. Follies, Spinal Tap,
and all the Christopher Guest movies.
He's amazing in all those Christopher Guest movies because he out-improvises
the other expert improvisers.
Exactly.
It's a true testament to his ability.
And he really was the best in show.
Oh, fantastic.
I think he was even maybe, am I mistaken?
Was he nominated for something?
I'm not sure.
We can find that out.
Yes, we can find that out.
But anyways, a brilliant improviser.
Have you ever improvised?
Good God, no.
I never have either.
I've never tried.
I've always thought I should go to Second City because I always felt that I
could do it.
Right.
But I never gave it a shot because I was always doing stand-up.
But I know whenever I go for auditions, they always want, have you ever done
improv?
They don't care about stand-up.
Second City, groundlings, you know what I mean?
It's what everyone thinks they can do, I think.
No, I think I could do it.
I could do that.
I could do it.
I think I could too.
Yeah.
We should try that.
What, an improvised scene?
Yeah, we should.
Let's try one now.
Now?
We have a skeleton crew.
We have a crew of skeletons.
Sometimes it's very frightening.
I was improvising.
That was pretty good.
So, I think maybe one of our skeleton crews will just yell out a suggestion.
This is how they do it in improv.
Okay.
And then we'll do the scene.
Okay.
So, anybody got a suggestion?
Guy sleeping with his best friend's wife.
Guy sleeping with his best friend's wife.
You want to be the...
Let me think about this for a second.
Guy sleeping with his best friend's wife.
Okay, whatever.
You want to be, I'll be the...
I'll be the...
What do you want to be?
I'll be the guy sleeping with the wife.
Okay.
With your wife.
So, you're sleeping with my wife.
Okay.
And I'm the guy, and you're sleeping with my wife.
Okay.
Okay.
Norm, I'm sleeping with your wife.
You son of a bitch.
You son of a bitch.
You son of a bitch, motherfucker.
You sleep with my fucking wife?
You son of a bitch, cocksucker.
You fucking...
You're my best fucking friend, Adam.
God damn you, motherfucker.
I'm fucking killing you.
You sleep with...
That's what you were doing on fucking Friday night, weren't you?
You fucking bastard.
You say you're going to the fucking movies?
You fucking go out with my fucking wife?
She said...
She said she's going out with her friend
to see that coffee shop.
And you fucking her.
You fucking her, you fucker.
You dirty prick.
I lose my best friend
and I lose my fucking wife
in the same fucking day.
She said she's going out with her friend.
She said she's going out with her friend.
She said she's going out with her friend.
She said she's going out with her friend.
She said she's going out with her friend.
She said she's going out with her friend.
She said she's going out with her friend.
She said she's going out with her friend.
She said she's going out with her friend.
She said she's going out with her friend.
She said she's going out with her friend.
She said she's going out with her friend.
She said she's going out with her friend.
She said she's going out with her friend.
She said she's going out with her friend.
She said she's going out with her friend.
She said she's going out with her friend.
She said she's going out with her friend.
She said she's going out with her friend.
She said she's going out with her friend.
She said she's going out with her friend.
She said she's going out with her friend.
She said she's going out with her friend.
She said she's going out with her friend.
She said she's going out with her friend.
She said she's going out with her friend.
She said she's going out with her friend.
She said she's going out with her friend.
She said she's going out with her friend.
She said she's going out with her friend.
She said she's going out with her friend.
I guess we just both got carried away and swept up in the improv.
It's kind of funny when you think about it.
Now I mean.
Now.
At the time it was not funny.
But now, looking back, we can laugh.
Anyways.
Listen.
I think we picked a subject that was very fraught with emotion.
Let's get a suggestion that's not so incendiary.
Does anyone have just a regular suggestion, a prosaic sort of development?
Anything?
Deli counter.
A deli counter.
A deli counter.
A man goes and orders food at a deli counter.
That's an excellent one.
Now would you want to be the customer or the proprietor of the deli counter?
Whatever.
Huh?
Whatever.
Okay.
Well then I'll be the man that wants to get something.
I'll be entering the deli counter.
I won't enter.
I'll just do it from the chair.
Excuse me, good sir.
I would like to purchase a sandwich from you.
A corned beef on rye.
What kind of bread would you like it on?
I just said I would like rye, sir.
And I would like with that, a mustard.
I will have mayonnaise on it.
And I would also like, on the side, a pickle.
We're out of pickles.
Here.
We're out of pickles.
No pickles.
No pickles.
Well then, why don't I get other than pickles.
Oh, whoa, whoa.
I, instead of having pickles, I actually would prefer sauerkraut.
Could I get some sauerkraut on the sandwich?
Oh, God.
Huh?
Sauerkraut.
Could I get some sauerkraut on the sandwich?
What's up?
Sauerkraut's extra.
Sauerkraut is extra?
Well, I...
Oh, God.
Wait a second.
Oh, God.
I know who you are, fella.
I recognize you, you son of a bitch.
No, wait, no.
You're the guy who fucked my wife?
I fucking go to your goddamn deli every day.
Fucking order sandwiches.
And how do you fucking repay me?
You fucked my wife, you dirty prick.
When I eat fucking sauerkraut.
I order fucking bagels.
And you fucked my wife.
You dirty bastard.
It's the last fucking time I ever come to your fucking deli.
You fucking deli.
It's the last fucking time I ever come to your fucking deli.
We will return with Mr. Fred Willard.
You're mouth is my toilet!
Wait, what about the man grate?
What is the man grate, you ask?
Is that like a genital cleanser?
No!
No, my God.
It is 100% made in America.
Cast iron grilling grates.
Iron.
You don't pronounce it iron.
Cast iron grilling grates.
I-R-O-N is iron.
No, no.
Iron.
Iron.
Cast iron grilling grates.
Are you kidding when you say iron?
Don't be like fucking Larry King.
That motherfucker.
I say iron and he's at my asshole for fucking four days.
It's not iron.
It's iron.
Have you heard of the man grate?
Yes, I have.
You have?
You're a father.
Man grate is the perfect gift for this Father's Day.
Is he alive?
Yeah.
Your dad's alive?
No.
Fuck.
God damn it.
Your father's dead.
I'm sorry about your dad.
That's fine.
Mom's still alive?
No, she's dead.
Jesus Christ.
Is any of your relatives fucking alive?
Chicken steak has never tasted so good.
Go to mangrate.com and enter the coupon code NORM for their $19.99 Father's Day
special.
100% made in America.
100% cast iron.
100% steakhouse quality grilling in your backyard.
Remember, each Norm McDonald show order comes with a heavy duty grilling brush.
Again, that's the man grate grilling enhancement system.
Order today at mangrate.com, mangrate.com, and enter the coupon code NORM at
checkout.
Thank you, Andy.
Our guest tonight, the incredible, for the full hour, as Larry King would say,
Fred Willard
is with us. Fred is a comedian, an actor, a writer, an all-around funny
gentleman. You
know him from the great films. This is Spinal Tap. Best in show, A Mighty Wind,
and the
Anchorman movies, as well as his Emmy-nominated roles in Everybody Loves
Raymond and Modern
Family. I thought you had those memorized. You said, I know your work as well
as you
do, and now you're just reading. No, I was reading off-camera. Oh, I see.
Oh, my God, that whole thing. I could have put anything in there. You wrote
those? You
were in Modern Family. Yes, I still am. That's a great show. I need a cup. I
love one of those
more McDonald's. Oh, yeah. Here's a cup. Oh, thank you. How long is this bit
going to
go? Is it going to be uncomfortable for you? Okay. So, Adam Egan had a question
just to
open things up. I'm just wondering what, I mean, you're always, what are you
working on
right now? I am just finishing a project. This is one of the biggest projects I
have
ever done. Really? It's amazing. It's a spectacular film. Is it a drama or
comedy, probably? No,
no, it's an adventure. It's action, science fiction. Wow. It's amazing. This is
a big budget
movie? Huge budget. I can't even quote the price. What? Who's directing it? Is
it a big
guy? Well, that's the interesting thing. It's an action adventure. So, we got
this guy, Spike...
Jones? Spike Jones? Spike Jones. And at first, I thought it was that bandleader.
But I was wrong.
It's not him. It's the guy with the glasses. He sits in the front of the Lakers
games.
Spike Jones. That's Spike Lee. Spike Lee. That's it. Spike Lee did a big budget
movie? Big adventure
movie. And there's some comedy. So, it's co-directed by Woody Allen. They
brought him in to co-direct
the comedy scenes. Yeah. What we're going to try to do is just meld them. Who
was that comic,
the white glove and the... Oh, Slappy White. Slappy White. Yeah. That's what we're
trying
to do. We're going to solve a lot of problems. I didn't think Slappy White
would come up.
There's... Here's the thing. A meteor with people, the undead, are on this
planet. Wait a minute now.
And they decide to crash into the earth. And Bruce Willis tries to save us.
Bruce Willis.
Isn't there a lot of African Americans as in a Spike Lee movie? There's plenty
of them. Yeah.
What we try to do is... These are the nine ones that don't speak English. Yeah.
So, they CGI the men.
The black people. Yeah. They CGI black people. Well, the ones that some of the
actors are real. Oh.
So, are you saying like this is like... We've got an interesting fact. Yeah.
Steve McQueen.
I fought to have him in. I thought it was the actor Steve McQueen. Yeah. It's
the director. So,
he's not directing. He's just acting in the movie. He doesn't know. He keeps it
a lot
and I don't know what to do. But we got Steve McQueen in there. There's a
director, Steve McQueen?
Yes. There's three directors involved. So, Woody Allen, Steve McQueen... He
does the comedy stuff.
Got it. The undead are coming down in a planet. They're going to crash into
earth.
And they're... Maybe we can get this reduced to disorderly conduct. You know,
Woody Allen...
Yeah. He's in it. Woody's not in it. No. You're playing a kind of a Woody Allen
character.
No, no. I'm playing a kind of a guy that does what Bruce Willis... But you just...
What are you saying?
Well, Woody... He kept suggesting lines. Oh, I see.
Because in a lot of Woody Allen movies, the actor would be actually sort of
impersonating Woody Allen.
Impersonating Woody Allen, yeah.
Did you find yourself doing that?
I tried, but I find I can't imitate Woody Allen.
So, listen, you're in a Bruce Willis vehicle where you're playing the Bruce
Willis role as Woody Allen?
No, no. I don't try to do it. Woody Allen is directing the undead who are
trying to crash into earth.
Now, come on.
And then I get in a fight with Sylvester Stallone, of all people.
Now, wait a second. No more. No more.
When does this movie come out?
It's coming out either late summer or early fall.
I've never heard of this. How have we not heard of this movie?
We don't want i