Name: Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Ray Romano (S02E01)
Uploaded: 2014-05-12T00:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Ray Romano (S02E01)' from Norm Macdonald Live on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-05-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Ray Romano (S02E01)' from Norm Macdonald Live on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-05-12. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Ray Romano (S02E01)

Well, today's episode of Norm Macdonald Live is brought to you by our old
friends at Hulu Plus.
Watch your favorite shows anytime, anywhere with Hulu Plus.
On your TV, on the go, with your smartphone or tablet.
Shows like Family Guy, shows like Scandal, Once Upon a Time, many, many more.
Right now, you can try Hulu Plus free.
That's right, free for two weeks when you go to HuluPlus.com slash Norm.
That's HuluPlus.com slash Norm.
Norm, thanks for coming in today.
Yeah, yeah, thanks.
The office looks good.
I haven't been here for a while, but how are you doing?
Well, I'm in this, it's a recovery program, Norm, and I'm at step number nine.
It's an important step, and it's the part where I apologize to all the people I've
done wrong.
I'm very sorry, are you an alcoholic?
No, well, yes, but that's not the problem.
I'm also addicted to cocaine, which I think right now is the perfect time to do
a little cocaine.
Whoa, cocaine, I don't want to do cocaine, I don't do cocaine.
Are you sure?
You paid for it.
What do you mean I paid for it?
That's the other addiction, Norm.
I'm horribly addicted to embezzling.
You're addicted to embezzling?
I've never heard of that.
It's an addiction, and in particular, I'm addicted to embezzling your money,
Norm.
You embezzled my money?
All of it.
So I, so I'm broke?
No, Norm, you're not broke.
Oh, thank goodness.
You're in terrible debt.
I'm in debt?
Oh, no.
Terrible, terrible debt.
Crushing debt.
Two, three million dollars.
Oh, my God!
Maybe more.
I've been so busy embezzling, I haven't really been keeping track.
This doesn't mean...
I'm afraid it does, Norm.
You have to go back to the podcast.
No!
Tonight, Ray Romano joins us, but before that, my trusty sidekick, what the
fuck's your
name?
Adam Egan is with us to speak and talk to him.
How about that cold opening?
Wasn't that funny?
Yeah, that was funny.
Yeah, that was Brent played my...
It wasn't real.
Yeah, I'm quite aware of that.
Yeah, Brent played my money manager, and then it turned out I was broke.
Did you see it?
I watched it.
It was funny.
It was very funny.
Where the hell have you actually been, though?
What happened?
Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
I should have told you.
Yeah, you should have, because we had a lot of good guests.
We had a lot of hard work.
I threw away my phone, so if you try to get a hold of me...
Yeah, I tried calling you over and over again.
The week after Gilbert...
Gilbert was the...
Did you keep doing the podcast?
No.
No?
No.
Oh.
We literally canceled on the president.
We had Barack Obama was in the studio.
Barack Hussein Obama?
Yeah, Barack Obama was in the studio.
He was going to do it?
Yeah, he was lined up.
And you weren't around answering your phone, so he ended up doing Zach Galifianakis's.
He did Zach Galifianakis's show?
Yeah.
I have a feud with Zach Galifianakis.
That's not going to help.
That's not going to help the feud.
Point to Zach.
Oh, well.
We had so many good guests lined up.
Things came up.
You flew all...
I don't know where you went.
We had Mickey Rooney.
Mickey Rooney?
Yeah.
That'd be great.
We should get him.
No, he died.
Mickey Rooney died?
He died last week.
Where have you been?
Oh, Mount Ararat.
Where is that?
It's far away.
I've had a weird seven months, I've got to tell you.
What happened?
Well, it started...
I was plagued by dreams.
What kind of dreams?
What are you talking about?
Well, nightmares.
God came to me.
You spoke to God through your dreams?
Yeah.
Told me to build an ark.
Okay, so told you to build an ark.
Yeah, he had some plan.
He said I should build an ark and then get two of every animal on Earth.
That sounds familiar.
Okay.
So you built an ark?
Well, I don't know.
What's an ark when you think about it?
It's a large vessel.
Well, that's what God said.
So many cubits and all that.
So you went out and got two of every animal?
Yeah, well, I started.
I got two dogs.
I borrowed them from Elaine Boosler.
Okay.
And then I got two cats.
They were my own.
Okay.
Kitty and Bobby.
Kitty and Bobby.
Yeah, you know them.
Princess Kitty McMahon and Bobby.
And Bobby died.
She fell off Mount Ararat.
That's where I was building the ark.
Why would you go up to Mount Ararat?
You didn't want to build it?
Because God kept saying there was going to be a fucking flood.
Oh.
Well, so that's where you've been for the last eight months.
You've been.
How long did it take to build?
So you were on Mount Ararat, built the ark.
Yeah.
No flood came.
I don't know how to build arks.
Didn't God give you instructions?
Nah.
So you're up there with Bobby, Princess Kitty McMahon, and Elaine Boosler's two
dogs for some reason.
Here's the problem.
When you have a dream like that, you go, is it really God?
Or was it just my dream?
Was it just a fantasy in my mind?
You know, because I stopped doing a whole bunch of pills.
That's when the dream started.
Good Lord.
Yeah.
And then he told me to murder my son.
Jesus, Norm.
Yeah, yeah.
So, anyways, I take my son up to Mount Ararat, show him the ark.
What?
The ark.
It doesn't come.
My son's like, it looks like a bunch of shit.
I'm like, don't swear, Dylan, you know.
Meanwhile, I know I'm about to murder him, you know.
So, I got a big stick, you know, that I thought I could murder him with, that
was meant for the ark.
Uh-huh.
And I say, Dylan, what do you think of the view of Mount Ararat, right?
And I go to hit him in the back, thinking that'll knock him off Mount Ararat.
That's terrible.
And he'll plunge to his death.
Yeah, but then I'll be in God's favor.
So, I hit him with the thing.
Yeah.
And he, it doesn't knock him off.
Oh, thank God.
Yeah.
And he beats the shit out of me.
Right?
My own son.
Does any of this make sense?
No.
Adam's gone away.
Adam, I made all this up.
Oh.
Yes.
Oh.
It's a lesson.
Man, I'm right in the face.
It's a lesson to where extremism can take you.
Well, I think you've made your point.
Everything in moderation.
You know what I mean?
Right.
Extremism, what could it lead to?
It could lead to you trying to murder your own child.
Exactly.
Okay.
I've made it all up.
Okay.
It's a table.
You had me.
You're good.
You're good.
We'll be back.
Who's our guest?
Ray Romano.
Ray Romano.
After this.
Leonardo DiCaprio just went in and got that.
You're killing me.
I told you.
Go.
Yes.
This is what it is.
There's a short window.
Oh, shit.
Oh, no, no.
No.
Just please.
Shut up.
Can we just be quiet for five, four seconds?
Seven seconds.
We can take a minute.
Take a minute.
Take a minute.
Okay, I'm going to do it.
Ah, Dollar Shave Club.
I love these guys.
DollarShaveClub.com.
This is the place that ships high-quality razors right to your door for just a
couple of bucks
a month.
Because face it, nothing feels better than the first shave with a fresh blade.
Am I right?
It's smooth.
It's close.
And the blade is as sharp as it's ever going to be.
It feels fantastic.
But thanks to the big shave company's ridiculous prices, you can't afford to
use a fresh blade
every week.
So you drag that dull-ass blade across your face for, what, two weeks, three
weeks, ten weeks.
Why do you do that to yourself?
I'll tell you why.
Because the only thing more painful than shaving with an old blade is shelling
out 30 bucks
for a pack of new ones.
But for just a couple of bucks a month, DollarShaveClub.com ships me the
highest-quality blades that you
can get.
Now, I'm a four-blade guy, and with Dollar Shave Club, it's only $6 for a four-pack.
Seriously, only $6 for the best-quality blades you can get.
So every week, I can pop in a fresh blade, you see, and treat myself to an
amazing shave.
It's incredible!
Join DollarShaveClub.com, get amazing quality blades in the mail for a couple
of weeks, and
treat yourself to a brand-new blade every single week.
Hundreds of thousands of guys have already upgraded their shaving with Dollar
Shave Club, and I'm
one of them, and I am loving it.
Now it's your turn.
Shave time, shave money.
That's DollarShaveClub.com/norm.
That's DollarShaveClub.com/norm.
Our guest tonight for the full hour, that's what Larry Goodman said.
Hour.
He didn't know it was an hour.
I thought he said this was an hour.
It's Ray Romano, you know him, from his Emmy award-winning show, everybody
loves Raymond.
His role as an animated mammoth in the Ice Age films, and he's on NBC's Parenthood.
I was just saying earlier that I like parenthood now that I'm older.
Thank you.
Are you going to keep the glasses?
Nice, sweet.
In honor of us being older.
In honor of the great show, men of a certain age.
Yes.
By the way, now that I am older, whenever I act, if I ever get a chance to act,
I want
to do glasses, because you want to put more on your face that takes away from
the oldness
of your face.
You know what I mean?
Because this way they can't see the wrinkles.
I got you.
I never thought of that.
Yeah, yeah.
I let that grow, and that distracts from, "Oh, look how old he got."
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But don't you find, also, like, that everybody's got cosmetic surgery, so there's
no old guys
except Bill Murray?
What?
And so he gets all the cool, independent movies and stuff.
You mean the movie?
The men, too?
Yeah.
You think the men, too?
I think so.
I remember one time, Jackie Gleason got it.
I was like, "What the fuck?"
What did he get?
Like, why does Jackie Gleason get a tuck or some shit, and then his face was
all, like,
he couldn't do his funny stuff anymore.
He was in that movie with Tom Hanks.
Blabbermouth.
There.
Nothing in common?
What?
Is that what it's called?
Nothing in common?
Oh, that is what it's called.
That is what it's called.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That was the last one, right?
I think so.
I think he...
You know who did Jackie Gleason?
Brad Garrett.
Brad Garrett played Jackie Gleason.
How did that happen?
It was...
A super tall guy.
But he did it.
He was great.
Yeah, the tall years or something.
I don't know.
I just saw Brad yesterday.
We were...
Brad, you were just inducted into the Television Hall of Fame of the National
Association of
Broadcasting.
National Association of Broadcasters Hall of Fame.
You know, I don't really know what that is, but it was an honor.
It was yesterday.
Yeah.
Did you know that?
Not until just now.
And Brad Garrett seemed like a long shot.
I remember him because he was so crazy tall.
You'd see him at the improv and you'd go, how could he be cast in anything?
Well, he wasn't...
You know, we wrote the show based on my life, so it was based on my brother in
real life,
who really was a cop, a New York City cop, but he was like 5'10".
And he had this kind of bitterness, but nothing like Brad brought into it, into
the role.
So that was a lucky accident.
And he had bitterness about you, your success?
He coined the phrase, this is what nobody knows, which is what I hate, is that
everybody loves Raymond.
Which you hate that title.
You hate that title.
Yeah, yeah.
It wasn't a title I wanted.
It was a quote from my brother, said sarcastically, in real life.
Ah.
Yeah, he came over to my house, he saw the...
I won like a Cable Ace Award, which we don't...
Yeah.
And he said, look at it, what's this?
I go, yeah, I got it at the...
They just gave me an award.
And he just goes, look at this, look at our lives.
You know, he was a cop, New York City cop.
He said, people spit at me, they shoot at me.
Everybody loves Raymond.
Yeah.
And so that got in the show.
And then Phil Rosenthal said, let's use it as a working title, just a working
title.
Yeah.
And I said, oh, it's going to stick.
And sure enough.
You called it.
You called it.
Was he your first choice, Brad?
It should have had quotation marks about it.
No, Brad, Brad, they were casting.
You know, I was in New York and they would keep telling me who they think is up
for it.
And then they say, we found a good choice for the brother, Brad Garrett.
And I said, you know, because all I knew him was from Star Search.
Yeah, yeah.
And he won.
He won the first year of Star Search.
So I knew of him and I knew he was this giant...
Impressionist.
Yeah.
I said, but what?
And then, and Stu Smiley 