Name: Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Gilbert Gottfried (Pt 1) (S01E11)
Uploaded: 2013-06-11T00:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Gilbert Gottfried (Pt 1) (S01E11)' from Norm Macdonald Live on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-06-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Gilbert Gottfried (Pt 1) (S01E11)' from Norm Macdonald Live on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-06-11. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Gilbert Gottfried (Pt 1) (S01E11)

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Welcome to the show.
Tonight, the great Gilbert Gottfried joins us for the full hour.
Hey, anyways, I'm here with the opening remarks, as always, with my trusty sidekick,
Adam Egot.
You're all dressed up.
Yeah.
Yeah, Mr. Important.
Whatever.
What are you, from the 50s?
You told me to wear this.
What?
Whatever.
How have you been doing?
Great, man.
I mean, what happened last week?
Where were you?
Last week?
Where was I?
Where were you?
I was here.
No, I was here.
You were here.
I didn't go.
Yeah.
But listen to this, man.
Where were you?
I've been having a little bit of crisis about my entire career.
I don't know if you're supposed to open this.
But you know what?
I don't give a fuck.
What's going on with you, man?
I'm into, I went to San Francisco.
Okay.
And I know you were raised in San Francisco.
No, reared, reared in San Francisco.
You know what?
That's what's wrong with this show.
It's just a bunch of shit.
I think it's hilarious.
Yeah.
Well, I went to San Francisco where there's important comedy.
And I'm telling you, I've changed my whole world view.
I went to the Purple Onion.
The place closed down a year ago or months ago.
Purple Onion?
Yeah, it's a fucking tire store now.
They've got some nice white walls.
What else did you do out there?
Met Mort Sahl.
You ever hear of that fucker?
Sure.
Yeah, sure.
Well, anyways, I talked to him.
And I realized all we do is shit on this show.
People love it.
It's hilarious.
People love shit, too.
You know what I mean?
People love actual shit.
Well, they don't.
No, they don't.
Some people.
But I'm saying that people like the lowest common denominator.
You know what I mean?
It's like fucking, you know what I mean?
It's like Gustav Flambert.
Gustav, you ever hear of him?
No.
He was a guy.
But he was into, I've just changed all my idea.
It, thou, wilt, huh?
You're just saying words.
Well, I've changed a lot of my philosophies about comedy.
And it's about time.
Like, who is my favorite comedian that ever lived?
Rodney Dangerfield.
Hands down.
Funniest guy that has ever been.
Agreed.
Yeah.
He's shit.
What?
That's right.
He's your hero.
He's the greatest stand-up that ever lived.
Yeah.
Here's an example of one of his jokes.
I had a blind date.
I went to see, I'll tell you, you know, the way he talked, you know.
Actually, he says, I had a blind date.
When I said, are you Doris?
She said, are you Rodney?
I said, yeah.
She said, I'm not Doris.
It's funny, but it's shit.
No, that's funny.
Yeah, no, it's funny, but it's not good.
It's not important.
It's great.
No.
What's great is jokes about wilt it thou.
Again, just words.
You're just saying words.
I'm telling you that it's important, you know?
Have you ever heard of things that are bigger than just funny?
Like important things like what's going on in the world?
Did you ever think of that?
Kobe?
From the Lakers?
Everyone says that.
Kobe from the Africa.
He's a black guy also.
Coney.
Huh?
Coney.
Coney, Kobe, yeah.
It depends on which part of the dialect, you know?
Yeah, okay, sure.
They kill with machetes.
How'd you like that?
You wake up in your hut, and there's Coney.
And who's with him?
His army of children.
Yeah.
That'd be horrible.
Yeah.
There's nothing funny about that at all.
Bunch of children machete-ing you.
And then what's your recourse?
You kill a child.
And that doesn't look good either.
That's not funny at all.
Really?
Well, I happen to talk about it for most of my act now.
Yeah, I was meaning to talk to you about that.
That explains what happened at the comedy store when you came by last weekend?
At the world-famous comedy store.
You weren't there.
You're the manager.
You weren't even there.
I was there.
You saw my act?
No, why didn't you do it?
No, I didn't get a chance to see the act.
I came in when you were about to be done.
Yeah.
Why didn't you do the answering machine bit?
My answering machine bit always kills.
Always kills.
That's about how I phone your answering machine hoping that you don't answer.
I'm actually hoping to get the answering machine.
It kills every time.
Rather than person.
I don't do it anymore.
It's funny and true.
It's funny and it's not important.
Be that as it may.
A lot of people are funny.
Look at fucking Gilbert Guyfrey.
He's going to be on the show later.
Hilarious.
Yeah, but he's not important.
He's the least important fucking shit.
Fuck.
So you're saying the stunt you pulled at the store last weekend was-
That was my first important-
You know people, comedians have been murdered in this country for what they
believe in?
What?
Yes.
You didn't know that, did you?
I don't believe it.
But you don't even know Gustave LeBron.
That's his name.
Right.
Gustave LeBron.
A minute ago you said it was LeFlemm or something.
Now you're saying it was LeBron.
I was thinking of Flaubert.
Oh.
Again, you're just saying-
I don't think you even understand what any of this means.
Really?
Wilt.
I wilt.
You're just saying basketball players.
LeBron, Kobe, wilt.
That's a coincidence.
So, you didn't do the answering machine bit.
I didn't see your act.
You want to know how I did it?
Unanswered narcissism?
Jingleist.
Jingleist.
You want to know how I know you didn't do the answering machine bit?
How did you know?
Because it always kills.
It always kills.
I walk in that room, there's one guy left, and you're choking him out.
Oh, I hated that fucker.
The guy was blind.
Yeah, he was blind to the truth.
No, he was actually blind, and you hit him.
I hit him with my fist of truth.
I had to comp his tab, Norm.
Then why don't you learn about crowd control?
By LeBron.
Yeah, because he did a famous treatise on it, fucker.
I'd like to see what Gilbert has to say about it.
Well, Gilbert.
Gilbert is very funny and essentially meaningless.
I mean, whether or not he had been born, really, it doesn't matter.
Because unless you're murdered for what you believe in, what's the point?
What happened to you?
We'll be back with Gilbert Gottfried.
I don't look at no fucking cameras no more.
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I'm Gilbert Gottfried and everyone is always asking me how I got on this show.
Well, here's how so you can watch.
Look, this isn't a stick-up and I don't want any money or anything, but where's
the camera?
I need an audition tape right away.
You just got to film me.
I need an audition.
There's a big show coming up.
There's a big show.
Wait.
All right.
I got hostages.
My wife is so fat.
How fat is she?
She's so fat.
When she sits around the house, she sits around the house.
And can you believe they let me go from the show?
I mean.
That seems almost like that Bill Murray, you know, when he came on and he said,
hey, I'm a funny guy.
Give me a chance when he wasn't doing good.
Remember that?
Oh, no.
Is that the idea of that?
Who the hell knows?
That was such a horrible season of the show.
Was that the first year of Eddie?
Yes.
Yeah.
So it was you and Eddie.
Me, Eddie Murphy, Joe Piscopo.
Some ladies, I remember.
Yeah.
Melanie Leitzel?
No, no.
She came later.
Melanie Chartoff.
She came later on.
Chartoff.
There was a lady.
Yeah, there was a Melanie Chartoff.
Chartoff.
That's what I just said.
Yes.
I'm sorry.
Melanie Chartoff.
I apologize.
There was Melanie Chartoff.
Unbelievable.
I remembered this fucking old bed.
She wasn't on my season.
Oh, she wasn't on your season.
No.
Who are the ladies on your season?
Okay.
And don't start applauding at once.
Save it to the end.
Gail Mathias.
Yes.
Ann Risley.
She was blonde.
Yes.
A hefty lady.
No, she wasn't hefty.
No, she was gorgeous.
But she was blonde.
She was a bombshell.
She'd often play a prison guard, right?
Yeah, she was in all the prison guard movies.
And...
No, the sketches.
Yes.
And Ann Risley.
I don't remember.
And Denny Dillon.
Oh, Denny Dillon, also hefty.
Maybe she's one of the...
She was more on the hefty side.
Short, portly.
No, oh, Denny Dillon.
Yeah, yeah, Denny Dillon.
She was like, uh...
Like a balloon.
Yeah, yes.
Yeah.
Yes.
But she went on to sort of semi.
Well, semi.
And I think her biggest thing she did, she played Roseanne Barr in a Roseanne
Barr TV movie.
Wow.
Yeah, she played like it was a biographer.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I heard Roseanne called an ant-fucking-trawl.
Yeah, so...
Roseanne, that's what Kevin Nealon told us.
Tell him that story out of me again.
He doesn't have his own anecdotes.
No.
No, no, no.
90% of my anecdotes come from Kevin Nealon, but he told this real doozy about...
I should talk to him.
Yeah, you should.
You should.
So I can have some funny stuff.
He said during Roseanne's talk show...
Roseanne had a talk show.
Remember that?
Oh, yes, yes.
So one time, the guest was Joe Pantoliano, and she didn't know who he was.
Oh, you fucked it up.
God damn it, old motherfucker.
See, you don't even have your own stories.
You take other people's stories and fuck them up.
Very good.
I'll tell you the story, but it's fucked up, but she's like, Joe Pantoliano,
she goes,
this next guest, Joe Pantoliano, he's great, he's in risky business, and you
all know, come
on out, Joe Pantoliano, and as Joe Pantoliano was walking out, Roseanne said, I
know that
guy.
Yeah, see, you already fucked it up.
So now when he told it the right way.
That's my role.
It didn't work.
It didn't work, because he knew that she didn't know what it was.
Don't ask him to tell any more stories.
God damn.
Or jokes or anything.
I was going to tell you, he has another one about Jack Parr, about the water
closet.
You've got a Jack Parr story.
I definitely do not.
Because you know the kids love Jack Parr.
Then you were on Thick of the Night.
This is years later.
Yes, yes.
You remember that show?
No.
You're too young for that show?
God damn it.
Oh my God.
Thick of the Night?
No, I've never seen it.
You know Alan Thicke?
Yes, of course.
Well, he had a talk show.
Probably, was he one of the shows, like, when it was Carson and just one other
guy?
Yes, yes.
And they were advertising when he was coming on that he was going to be the one
to knock
Carson off the air.
Alan Thicke?
And he did.
I mean, it was 20 years later.
And now he's even dead, Carson.
So you see, he knocked hi