Name: Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Andy Dick (S01E10)
Uploaded: 2013-05-28T00:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Andy Dick (S01E10)' from Norm Macdonald Live on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-05-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Andy Dick (S01E10)' from Norm Macdonald Live on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-05-28. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Andy Dick (S01E10)

Tonight's episode of Norm Macdonald Live is brought to you by Hulu Plus.
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Welcome to Norm Macdonald Live, our guest tonight, the always controversial and
hysterically funny Andy Dick.
And we will be talking to Andy momentarily, but first, my opening remarks with
my trusty sidekick, Adam Eagot.
Where's Adam Eagot?
Well, this is odd, folks, and I must say bewildering to me.
When I usually look two degrees to my right, who do I see but my trusty sidekick,
Adam Eagot?
Well, tonight, no such luck.
Wouldn't you know it, huh?
Well, this was bound to happen sooner or later.
Well, I'm sure he'll be here any second now.
It's live.
I know what I'll do.
What I always do when I'm in trouble, I read the newspaper.
Maybe we'll find out something interesting.
Oh, I know what I'll do.
I'll read the obituaries.
At my age, I'm always refreshing to find out that I'm not in them.
It's a joke Milton Berle used to do.
So, as usual, the bard of Avon, William Shakespeare, summed it up best when he
wrote,
Life is but a walking shadow.
A poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and is heard no
more.
Well, let us hear, then, from some of this month's most notably deceased strutters
and fretters.
Let's see who we got here.
Ah, Margaret Thatcher.
Yes, the iron lady.
She passed over a month ago, but here she is still in the New York Times obituaries.
But, you know, I think if you were to open that coffin, you'd find out pretty
quickly that she was not made of iron.
I don't know if you've ever dug up a month-old corpse, but I haven't.
I needed the money.
I couldn't sell my blood at the time, or ever, because I have hep C.
But, you know, I didn't have the money, and I wasn't like some people I know,
who used to jerk-off punks for $10 a man.
God damn it, it didn't work.
I miss Adam Egas.
Oh, no, Jesus Christ.
Captain Steve.
Captain Steve died 16 years old.
Beautiful kid.
Captain Steve, he won the Dubai World Cup.
Captain Steve, dead of heart failure.
Huh, wait a minute.
Oh, Captain Steve's a fucking horse.
And last but not least, George Jones.
You know, I wish the possum was playing possum, but I guess the good Lord
wanted to hear a little picking
and the finest voice in the history of country music for his own self.
And I guess he knew George had a habit of being late or even missing shows
completely.
So God made sure to get him up there to heaven on time by giving him a good old
case of respiratory failure, it says here.
George Jones, I feel tears welling up inside me because the race is over, and
we'll miss you, my friend.
George Jones, George Jones, he was called the possum.
You know why that is?
Because he looked exactly like a possum.
Well, no one else is dead.
Where the hell is the...
He wouldn't be with Andy Dick, would he?
Wait a minute here.
Adam Egott is a dirty, filthy alcoholic.
And Andy Dick is clean and sober.
I'm going to go find out what's going on here.
I'll get to the bottom of this.
Come on.
Where is Brent?
Brent, listen.
Where is my trusty sidekick, Adam Egott?
Have you seen him?
The last I saw him, he was in the bathroom with Andy Dick.
In the bathroom with Andy Dick.
In the bathroom with Andy Dick.
That's the worst possible news.
Come on.
Jeez.
When you ask where a person is,
the last thing you want to hear is he's in the bathroom with Andy Dick.
Let's find out.
Hey, guys.
Listen.
I know what's going on in there.
You're sucking each other's hot cocks.
And you're doing cocaine.
Norm?
Yes, Norm.
Let me in.
Let me in.
I know what's going on.
You're eating each other's delicious assholes.
What?
Huh?
Whoa.
Oh.
Well, look at this.
What a lovely image of Andy Dick.
I didn't know you painted.
Nice.
Thank you.
I make a beautiful subject, don't I?
Yes, you actually do.
Well, well, well.
Wait a minute, Andy.
Why are you naked?
Yeah.
Andy, why are you naked?
I think the more important question is why are you guys not naked?
Well, he has...
Wait a minute.
That's a least important question.
That's not an important question at all.
I would agree.
Okay, listen.
We've got to start the show.
We've got to get out of here.
Come on.
Wait, wait, wait.
Paint this real quick.
Paint this.
What?
We've got no time for that.
Come on, Adam.
He likes it.
Adam, come on!
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And now back to the show.
We're back.
That was Andy Diggly, you just saw, dancing with Sharna Burgess.
That was your dancing partner.
Yes.
She's new.
She is?
New to the, she was in the troupe.
She's new to dancing with stars.
Yeah.
Well, you were the last star on that show.
I don't know the rest of the people.
It seems, you know what I mean?
This was, I know what you mean, but, well, you know, the other people are like,
like, there's a football celebrity.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Jacoby Jones.
I would know a football.
Yeah.
Well, you know Jacoby.
Is he still in it?
He made it all the way to the end, all the way to the final four.
But, you know, he's the one that ran from one, what, end zone to the other end
zone in the Super Bowl.
Oh, yes, yes, you ran 110 yards.
Yeah.
Now.
Can I tell you something?
Yeah, of course.
They picked that song for me because of the line.
That's weird that they played that.
I did not pick that.
Yeah.
One of your producers picked that.
But it's a, I like that because they show my hip moves.
Yeah.
I got some moves.
Right.
And the line in there, I've done some, I've done some foolish things that I
didn't.
I mean, they always tried to play into my, like, alcoholism in my life.
I didn't get that.
Yeah.
I didn't hear that.
Yeah, it's hard to hear.
Yeah.
But that is why.
I mean, not just now.
I watched you on the show every week.
Because I had actually had a bet.
You did?
Yeah, I had bet that you would win.
I had bet that you would win.
It's true.
You did?
Yeah, because.
You would have won a lot of money if you put money on it.
Were you a long show?
Because I was the dark horse, I think it's called, in Vegas.
You were?
Oh, yeah.
But I said, well, he's a physical comic.
He'll definitely be able to dance, and he's in very good shape.
The minute you put money on it, that was the second I knew it, and
No, I didn't bet in Vegas.
This guy's never won a bet in his life.
Yeah, I don't win a lot.
But I didn't know.
You were the dark horse?
Yeah.
Every week.
You know how many weeks I made it?
Eight.
Yeah, seven.
Because the first week they didn't have a, nobody got voted at all.
Right.
So, yeah.
Yeah.
And then a couple times you were like, we're close.
We were close.
Yeah, yeah.
The music gets crazy, and the lights go dark, and they wait forever.
Yeah.
And Andy and Sharna, you are safe.
Yeah.
It's like they try so hard.
Yeah, that big one.
That's what Tom Bergeron does.
Do you like him?
Do you like him?
Yeah, I like him.
He's like a modern dude.
He's like Ryan Seacrest.
It's like when my favorite of all of the hosts of these types of shows is the
host of Deal
or No Deal, Howie Mandel.
Oh, Howie.
He's the most amazing.
Even though he's a comedian, he does it.
And I'm going to tell you that you are in a moment.
Yeah.
He still gets us every week.
Every time.
Every week.
Now, when you're with the girl, it must be very hard not to be physically
attracted to
her during the training sessions.
How does that go?
Well, first of all, she's the hottest one.
Yeah, she's incredibly hot.
She's the hottest one in the troupe.
Is she single?
In the company.
She's not single.
She has a boyfriend.
That's who's never bothered you.
Never stopped me.
Her boyfriend's awesome, and her boyfriend is a famous choreographer named Paul.
If she wouldn't fuck you, maybe he would.
Try to get them both together.
They're both great.
But you have to have sexual chemistry to dance together in the first place.
I wouldn't be a man with manly parts if I didn't, you know, have feelings.
I started getting feelings.
I mean, very first time we were put together, she had to keep saying to me,
you feel this part of you?
My pelvis.
Yeah.
And mine, they have to be touching.
Whoa.
She had to explain it to me.
Yeah.
And so, because when we first started dancing, I was holding her,
because our first thing was what?
A foxtrot.
And it was in hold and with your frame.
Yeah.
And we have to have our knobby parts.
Yeah.
That's what Len calls them.
Knobbly or knobbly.
The foxtrot.
No, Len has it in English.
The foxtrot is a, this is, I can't do it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Every time you're British, you do James Mason.
But I was dancing with her like a 13-year-old at a dance.
Like, I didn't want to touch my penis to her.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're not supposed to.
Right.
You're not supposed to in regular life.
You're not supposed to.
Put a few drinks in me and lawsuits.
Were you a good dancer before you, like, started doing the show?
Or did you have to train extensively prior to the first?
Extensively.
Like, I, oh, God.
I thought because when I was 15, I took a tap lesson that I had this thing.
But, mm.
I just thought I had a good show.
Fucking with the stars.
Now that I would win.
Who would not watch that?
Right to the top.
I would watch the, I would watch that.
You're good at fucking?
You're probably good at fucking.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, that was like fucking the air.
You can say fucking, by the way.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, okay.
I was saying knobby parts.
Just trying to be nice.
So, yeah, that was what I mean.
That hip action.
I was trying to get very sexual during my dances.
Just to show people.
I never open up about my own sexuality, but I will right now.
Uh-oh.
I'm bad at whacking off.
What?
Bad at it?
Yeah.
How could you be mad at it?
I know.
You would think it would be easy.
It would be fortunate.
You cannot make yourself cum?
Oh, I can, but at the wrong times.
I didn't even know about lotion.
Oh, till when?
Till somebody that was intimate with me said, what are all those big red scabs
on your tuck?
And I was like, that's from my fucking furious whacking off.
When was this?
How many years ago?
I use like gloves.
What kind of gloves?
Sandpaper.
No, look, I'm not good at sex.
No, at all?
No, nothing.
It doesn't interest you.
That's the reason.
Yeah.
You've got to be interested in something.
This is my move.
First of all, I'm not good at getting ladies.
Because you don't care.
Yeah, so I'll try to, like, I try to make it fast.
Like, if I see a girl drinking at a bar, right?
I'll go up behind her.
I'll go, I can get us a bottle.
And that doesn't work very often.
But sometimes it does.
You just want to get right to you.
Yeah, I want to get right.
Then I get the lady.
I turn off all the light