Name: Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Nick Swardson (S01E09)
Uploaded: 2013-05-22T00:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Nick Swardson (S01E09)' from Norm Macdonald Live on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-05-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Nick Swardson (S01E09)' from Norm Macdonald Live on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-05-22. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Nick Swardson (S01E09)

Tonight's episode of Norm Macdonald Live is brought to you by Hulu Plus.
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Welcome to Norm Macdonald Live.
Hey, tonight, the great Nick Swartzen is with us.
But first, opening remarks with my trusty sidekick, Adam Egan.
Hello, Adam.
Morning, Norm.
You're all dressed up.
Yeah, they told me to dress up for Comedy Week.
Explain to the folks what Comedy Week is.
You fucking retard.
Can you explain?
Not really.
Well, I think on YouTube, they dedicate the front page all week to comedy.
Yeah.
And Jash is a part of that, which we're apparently affiliated with somehow.
Affiliated folks with Jash is.
I can't.
Not a clue.
No, it's a collective, as Sarah Silverman told you yesterday.
Yesterday, we did the pre-show for the Google YouTube.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That went really well.
Todd, it was great to see Todd Glass.
He was having fun.
Everyone was having fun.
Yeah.
It was cool.
So listen, man.
Here's the idea for the opening remarks.
Okay.
As you know, it's the 10th episode of the show.
Technically, sure.
Yeah.
What do you mean?
Well, we did the pilot.
So yeah, this is the 10th episode.
That's right.
If you ever heard the phrase, play along.
So, no, it's the 9th episode.
Yeah.
But we decided to show people, because it's comedy week, that's why.
Right.
Some clips of the other episodes we've done to get them ready for Nick.
That sounds great, yeah.
So you want to look at some clips?
Of course.
Okay.
Well, this is actually, this is kind of a historic thing.
This is the first question that you ever asked anyone on, on the first podcast
that we ever
did.
Oh, it was Super Dave.
It was Super Dave Osborne.
Oh, yeah.
Your first question.
Norm told me to come up with some questions for you, and I've just been dying
to know.
Where do you get your ideas from?
Well, I mean.
You know, we have some news stories.
That didn't go well.
I know.
I fell into a deep depression from your first question.
But we've had a lot of different times on the show.
Hey, what about that time I got all political?
Oh, yeah.
Remember?
Of course.
And I started talking about the Falkland Islands and everything?
Because remember when I used to eat like a big fat pig?
Yes, I recall.
And then I decided to make a political stand.
You know what I mean?
Because I want to be an important comic.
So I decided to make a political stand.
Do you remember that?
Of course I remember that.
Well, let's take a look.
This is my promise.
Okay.
To the people of the video podcast network world, I will not eat a single morsel
of food
until Margaret Thatcher is dead and buried.
She died three weeks ago.
I'll be right back with Larry King.
It's like every lunch with you.
I know.
I eat a lot of food.
But I didn't drink the gravy that time.
Yeah, that's the only time I haven't seen you drink gravy, which is odd.
Yeah, well, I think it's unseemly on camera to drink a thin fucking ladle of
gravy.
Listen, you fans of Fred Stoller get to see many sides of the hilarious hangdog
funny man.
I don't know why that was when Steve wrote this.
But here's a clip.
The thing is, Robert Blake was supposed to be on the show, and I was all
excited, and then
we fucking had to get Fred Stoller.
Goddamn, that was a depressing day.
Because Robert Blake was supposed to come in, and then Daniel Kellison talks to
him on the
phone for an hour, and he fucking won't show up.
Anyway, whatever.
Here's Fred Stoller filling it.
Because of droughts all over Europe, scientists are predicting a global
shortage of olive oil.
Soon the world will know how Popeye felt after the death of his wife.
Olive oil.
Remember how fucking skinny and ugly she is, and they don't always want to fuck
her?
And how Big Ethel would chase Jughead.
Well, let's not get in and chug it.
I'm sorry.
Well, next time that you come on, I'll have read the book.
Because I spent all my time reading a superior book.
Is that a real book?
It's a real book.
Look.
I thought it was a bit for the show.
No.
It's actually riveting.
I've read a couple of times.
It's a fantastic book.
This guy's amazing.
I haven't read your book, so I can't, in all truthfulness, say this is a
superior book.
But I strongly suspect it is.
Were you in New York when the Twin Towers fell?
No.
I was in Los Angeles.
Well, either way, it was a national tragedy.
It was.
Yeah, I know.
9-11.
We're going to go to hell.
Yeah, there's a good possibility.
Hey, the great Kevin Nealon was on the show.
Who's funnier than Kevin?
I can't think of anyone.
Well, Nick Swardson.
Well, I don't know.
I love Kevin.
No, Kevin's the best.
Kevin's been around forever.
Oh, he's hilarious.
He's kind of a hero of Nick.
Okay, so here's a...
It was mid-May of 2013.
America was dancing to the music of Justin Bieber and Beyonce.
And they were laughing at the stories of a comic by the name of Kevin Nealon.
Let's take a look.
Well, no, you don't say that.
I'm a guest on there, and now it's time to introduce the next guest.
And she says, okay, this next guy coming out, he's a great actor.
He was in Risky Business.
He's done all kinds of stuff.
I just love him.
Ladies and gentlemen, Joe Pantaleone.
And he comes out, and as he's walking across the stage toward the desk, she
goes, oh, I know who he is.
I fucked it all up by reading Steve O'Donnell's fucking...
Because we had to say it was Roseanne.
Oh, right, right.
We had to mention...
Oh, I forgot.
Yeah, we cut this very recently.
Everything's always down to the wire here.
That was the Roseanne talk show.
Yeah.
That's one of my favorite stories that we've heard in the last nine episodes
since we started.
Yeah, yeah.
He's hilarious, man.
I mean, he's right up there with Nick Schwartzen, like tied for funnies, dude.
Guy has to make a fucking competition out of it.
Anyways.
Hey, you ever wonder where, like, I always like saying phrases.
Yeah, you definitely do.
That make me sound smart, like, like schadenfreude.
Schadenfreude?
Yeah.
You know what that means?
Yeah, taking joy in other people's pain or misery.
Yeah, yeah.
Zeitgeist?
You ever heard that term?
Yes.
Because it makes it sound smart.
Yeah.
Post-Sasso?
You ever heard that term?
I feel like I've heard it once before.
Because I said it once on the term.
Yeah.
It suddenly came out that I could use the term post-Sasso.
It's taken the nation by storm since then.
Check this out.
It was, like, after a lot of those, I think, after Will Sasso and some of those
people left.
Post-Sasso.
But here, the great Billy Bob Thornton.
Remember how excited we were to have Billy Bob Thornton?
He was so engaging.
Okay, Billy Bob Thornton having a little discussion with us.
And then it turned somehow to serial killers.
Check this out.
It usually does.
I mean, you wouldn't want to get, like, a guy like Jeffrey Dahmer or something
like that.
I mean, you wouldn't want to tell anybody who might eat you at lunchtime, you
know.
But that was his name, right?
Jeffrey Dahmer?
Yeah, absolutely.
Got killed by a broomstick.
Broomstick-raped.
Really?
That's smart.
I would say it's one of the worst ways to go.
Yeah, exactly.
On the list of the thousand ways.
They say drowning is very peaceful.
Yeah, right.
Broomstick-raped.
Not good.
Not good.
Yeah.
Both funny and true.
How cool is that guy?
He's a bass man.
Hey, speaking of which, man, what about Larry King?
I love Larry.
But how is that speaking of which?
Yeah, it doesn't really apply there.
No.
But Larry King, it was great to have him on the show because he brightens the
mood.
You know, check this out.
That's the one thing I fear is dying.
Me, man.
That haunts me.
Because the thought of not existing.
You know, it's like, you know what the new thing they call it is?
Dirt nap.
Good God, Larry.
That's what they call it, a dirt nap.
You would not say that on Hulu.
No, I wouldn't say that, but I'd say it here.
That's what I loved about the Larry King episode.
You've got to see him out of his element in something, you know?
Well, he's on Hulu, which is a cool, cool thing.
Oh, Hulu's the best.
I watch it every day.
Yeah.
Is it better than Nick Schwartzen?
I mean, I like Nick.
Hey, it's always fun when a celebrity calls in to the show.
Sure.
You know what I mean?
He's just at home watching the show somehow.
But he found the show somehow, and he calls in.
And who can forget the time Super Dave called in when Kevin Nealon was the
guest.
Yep.
Check this out.
Thanks so much for calling in, Super Dave.
Please come back.
I didn't call in, asshole.
I didn't call in.
You called me, and let me tell you something.
Why don't you get something that is semi-professional?
You're a bunch of ass-wives.
Right now, I'm getting on a bus, and I'm going to scream out the window, and I'll
reach
20 more people than you get tonight.
Don't ever try to get a hold of me.
I will never do this show again as long as I live.
Super Dave, he doesn't care for us.
No, he likes us.
He'll be back.
I hope so.
I love him.
You love that.
You love that, Super Dave.
I love him.
Yeah.
Remember when you asked him that question?
Yeah, I do.
Let's take a look.
No, we did that earlier.
Oh.
Yeah.
Well, you know who's coming up?
Nick Swardson.
Yeah, you're a lover.
No, I love him.
Yeah, that's what I said.
Yeah, okay.
He's hilarious.
Yeah, he's fine.
Perry, Reno 911, Grandma's Boy.
Yeah.
Gay Robot.
That guy was hilarious.
Yeah.
He is.
He is hilarious.
He's going to be here.
Really?
He's funnier than Kevin Nealon, according to you.
No, we just want to start it.
I love Kevin Nealon as well.
But it would be cool to start a show business feud on the program.
That would be a very peculiar show business feud.
Nealon and Nicky.
Yeah.
All right, we'll be back with Nick Schwartzen momentarily.
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For those of you who weren't listening a moment ago.
It says here on your license that your eyes are blue, but they're not blue.
What are they?
They're the Caribbean Sea with a full moon shining down under a Smurf's
delicate balls.
Yeah, man.
Nick Swartzen.
He's wearing a gay robot t-shirt.
Hey, man.
Hey, man.
That's gay robot right there.
That's where I first knew of you from Sandler's album.
Oh, yeah.
That was hilarious.
Yeah, that was the coolest.
This is the only shirt that'll suck your dick.
True story.
For the record, Kevin Nealon's way funnier than me.
I'm just going to say that.
Yeah, you love Nealon.
I love Nealon.
I was going to say, man.
I've known Nealon a long time.
I opened for him when I was like 19 years old.
Did you say that?
Yeah, back at the Mall of America.
Oh, he was coming through.
He was headlining.
I was emceeing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How funny a stand-up is that fucking guy?
He's amazing stand-up.
If you can e