Name: Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Simon Helberg (S01E08)
Uploaded: 2013-05-14T00:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Simon Helberg (S01E08)' from Norm Macdonald Live on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-05-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Simon Helberg (S01E08)' from Norm Macdonald Live on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-05-14. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Simon Helberg (S01E08)

this father's day think the man great what is the man great you ask well it is
a hundred percent made in America cast-iron grilling great that's what it
is and they are revolutionizing the way people grill why that I mean it is it
true you haven't heard of the revolution it has heavy duty grilling grates
laughing you think the grilling grates are flimsy no no they're heavy duty
grilling grates they deliver exactly what you need to achieve when you need to
achieve that perfect steakhouse flavor why are you laughing you're making a
mockery out of the man great you can put chicken on this or steak that's not
that
unique or veggies and they will never have tasted so good why would you laugh
at any of this no more flare-ups yeah you know on your barbacus all those big
flare-ups no more dry meat guaranteed no more dry meat that's something you can't
guarantee out of me yet it was named it was named one of 2012 best grilling
accessories by men's health magazine why even here go to man great calm and
enter
the coupon code norm for their 1999 Father's Day special because man great you
know father man great is the perfect gift for this Father's Day is he alive
yeah yeah a
hundred percent made in America who is dead it would have been really bad
moment in
the commercial it's a hundred percent cast iron I think that's good a hundred
percent steakhouse quality grilling in your backyard this commercials like a
mini
series remember each norm McDonald's show order comes with a heavy duty
grilling
the man great grill enhancement system order today at man great dot com man
great dot com and enter the coupon code norm
and check out we'll return oh we're starting the show now
norm mcdonald live our guest simon helbert from the smash hit the big bang
theory the number one show on television we're all very excited and we'll talk
to him in only a few moments but before that my trusty sidekick Adam Egan and I
will be exchanging opening remarks you notice anything different about me yet
yeah you're wearing a hat and and a real
are you are you being sponsored no but it's it's athletic gear yeah you've lost
you've lost a little weight yeah
we're getting to our guest and we're getting to our guest our guest Simon Helberg
from the smash hit the big bang theory the number one show on television we're
all very excited and we'll talk to him in only a few moments but before that my
trusty sidekick Adam Egan and I will be exchanging opening remarks you notice
anything different about me yet yeah you're wearing a hat and and a real are
you are you being sponsored no but it's it's athletic gear yeah oh yeah you've
lost you've lost a little weight yeah we're getting to our guest
yeah well my theory is that if I wear athletic gear I'll lose weight because I
lose that weight
uh well can we tell the folks at home sheer tyranny of will and uh lap band
but anyway that's not what I'm here to talk about what I'm here to talk about
is that I notice all talk show hosts and let's face it we're a talk show yeah
like we can pretend we're a
fucking podcast but it's me and it's you and I'm the host and you're the sidekick
that's a talk show that's a talk show so I've noticed
with all the talk show hosts Johnny Carson David Letterman Dick Cavett uh
Douglas Edwards all these guys
were in fantastic shape but yet me I'm a big fat fucking pig so I decided to
get in shape oh good trying to be a
talk show host that's great and I noticed another thing because I've been
researching I've been studying
talk shows have a lot of different components in them oh we do is we talk to a
guest but they have
different things in the one that I've noticed they all share they have animal
handlers come out
oh Jack Hanna yeah like Jack Hanna comes out on Letterman on Carson they used
to have Joan Embry from
the world famous uh San Diego Zoo you see she'd bring out some critters and uh
she'd throw them out on
uh on the table and if you got lucky a varmint would fucking piss in Carson's
mouth and that
fucker look at the camera
so what I'm saying is that's always cause comedy and then Jack Hanna he goes on
Letterman and he's
like Stan Can he's like oh what happened to the thing and then that's over
there and the spider's
sneaking away and and then he brings actual predator and prey and puts them
together yeah but there's no
real danger I'm sure it made for great television it makes for great television
because although there's no
actual danger or peril there's the uh the presumption of it you know we should
do that here we're gonna
do it that was my surprise to you thanks for ruining it sorry so I decided to
phone uh zoos because
Jack Hanna comes from a Columbus Zoo and Joan Embry comes from the San Diego
Zoo and I decided we get our
own zoo uh handler anyways they didn't want anything to do with us no but you
ever hear of Moore Park
Moore Park Community College yes Moore Park Community College semester there
yeah did you ever see any
animals there uh no well they have a whole I thought you told me you were you
did a course in animal
husbandry oh no that was your hobby no but you're fucking animal no I'm kidding
you man I'm kidding
you're an ordinary guy although that lady I saw you with last night
it's rude a bit of a hippo I read about a hippo swallowing a man and I thought
of you
now you remember you remember Ruth you remember Ruth we're gonna bring out
right now from the Moore
Park Community College Director Emeritus Sean O'Connors and he has some animals
here hey Sean hello how are you
well well look at this I wonder what we're gonna find in here huh some sort of
an exotic animal let me
see come out look at this looks almost like a dog it is a dog it's a dog yeah
his name is pizza
pizza oh well you have a dog I never thought of a dog as a zoo animal oh we
have a lot of animals
there well what can you tell us about the dog well the dog is a subspecies of
the gray wolf oh gray
wolf do you have any gray wolves oh we have so many gray wolves oh well bring
them in where are they
they're they're back at the zoo they're at the zoo far too dangerous huh well
what else can you tell
us about the dog oh this is interesting did you know dogs show more behavioral
and morphological
variation than any other land mammal do you know what morphological means oh
they're just they they're
there's so so many different species there's hundreds of them yeah no I know I
see dogs
I see hundreds of dogs every day well I live in Santa Monica oh what other uh
what other things can
you tell us about a dog this is pretty interesting that hound was the general
word for all domestic
canines in England and that dog referred to a subtype of hound okay well do you
have any other animals
you can bring out oh yeah we have okay well here take the dog oh okay thank you
i don't get to pet the
dog you want to pet the dog you want to pet the dog you've petted a dog before
i thought i was
hoping it'd be a lizard just a dog yeah no well hey maybe they're starting out
slow and they're going to
get more exotic now that's my bet oh here comes the next oh cool visitor next
creature hi norm hi how are
you i hope this thing doesn't attack me whatever it is all right i think you
guys let's see what
it is what is this looks like a dog it is it's another fucking cock sucking dog
i knew it anyways
well this is a cutie what's this girl's name this is arnett arnett she's very
special did you know
that dogs are a subspecies of the gray wolf yeah i knew that what else you got
um the dogs show more
behavioral and morphological variation i know that too i know that too do you
know the one about the
hound and yes is that all you got let's see on the oh did you know that garfield
the cat had a friend
that was a dog oh fucking christ almighty garfield the cat the motherfucker
doesn't think i know about
every fucking episode of gar okay take your fucking dog no offense i mean it's
a nice dog you know i don't
want to come off on the show as a guy that doesn't like dogs you know this is
this is only hurting my
image all right thanks oh my god dogs that's what they bring us dogs hope the
next one's not a
fucking dog not a dog not a dog my money's on a cat this was a big mistake i'm
telling you a big mistake
i bucked him but i make mistakes i'm not a it takes a big man to admit that he
makes mistakes i'll tell
you that right now a big man to admit that he makes mistakes a small man would
not admit that he
it's a huge that's a snake it's some sort of a snake now careful his bike could
kill you his bike could
kill me hello ma'am hi well well well a snake makes you hankering for the old
days with those dogs
would you care to would you care to see the snake out of me good oh my god
what can you tell us about this snake man well did i mention that he bites yes
okay well other than
that he can swim in the water and he's a very good swimmer he'll hold his
breath for up to an hour
you don't say he bites huh wow it's really big it's a very big snake where is
his teeth right around there
they're hiding look at the size of this goodness gracious odd color for a snake
well that's because this guy over here is albino albino everyone makes fun of
him
oh look at that him and him and him and him and him and him and adam egot seem
to be kicking it off
okay okay well we have to we really have to be talking to simon headberg you
know it's helberg helberg
so anyways uh thanks for bringing the snake why don't you just give the snake
back
no i'm not gonna touch the snake i'm not gonna touch the snake adam seriously
swear to god
yeah i know it's heavy i'm so nervous i can't even think of a cock joke
just give give the snake back to the nice lady thank you very much it's been
quite a terrifying
surprise there we go thank you very much thank you very much oh my god oh boy
i wish those animals never existed it was way cooler than those dogs yeah do
you know if it
wasn't for those animals we'd all be living in a garden yeah i heard about that
oh boy you're all right i'm okay you don't like snakes i don't like snakes i'm
i get a little nervous
you know they didn't tell me snakes i'll tell you that's the last time we have
any animal handlers
on this show i thought it was pretty cool it was pretty cool with that no no i'm
sorry well i'll tell
you i don't know why i'm saying all this we'll be back after the break with the
great simon helberg
oh my leg you're right what the fuck man the snake's out the snake michelle
come get the snake grab the
snake you all right okay let's go we gotta get out here just go the snake bit
me okay wait have a
nice day guys have fun uh they're leaving the snake bit me my my calf is all
purple and i have i have
two red puncture marks on it yeah that's probably from where the snake bit here
that's probably from where the snake bit me yeah duh duh hey adam yeah you
remember earlier when
you said that's probably from where the snake bit me duh what does it say to do
all right norm that
initial pain you're feeling yeah well that's from a snake bite now what else is
happening behind the
scenes that you're not really aware of is the venom of the snake bite it's
coursing its way through your
veins directly to your heart oh my goodness very rapid and then i'll die yes um
you have about
you have about nine minutes and 15 seconds oh god hold on it's important it
says here it's important
to remain calm and you need to get your heart rate down let's check your pulse
so you're telling me
that i have nine minutes to live because snake venom is coursing through my
heart and at the same time
you're telling me this would be a good time to remain calm yeah duh let me see
your pulse
jesus christ it's at 260. well it's usually around 220. i gotta stop all those
hard-boiled eggs
norm you got about eight minutes is there any cure for this i gotta suck out
the venom
oh no no no okay let's do it all right give me your calf it's right in the calf
there all right all
right oh oh thanks adam yeah oh yeah you suck that venom out that's ni