Name: Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Russell Brand (S01E04)
Uploaded: 2013-04-16T00:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Russell Brand (S01E04)' from Norm Macdonald Live on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-04-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Russell Brand (S01E04)' from Norm Macdonald Live on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-04-16. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Russell Brand (S01E04)

Today on Norm Macdonald Live, we could not be more excited.
We have the great Russell Brand joining us, and he'll be out in a moment or so.
But first, we're going to talk about what happened this weekend, because it was
very exciting.
And my trusty sidekick, Adam Egan, is with us.
How are you, Norm?
Very good, very good.
I wish you could have been here on the weekend.
And what we did, for the people that didn't see it at home, we followed the
Masters.
Now, you know, I'm a big golf fan.
Huge.
And the 13th and the 14th are the greatest days of my life.
So, on set, what the idea was, was we, and when I say we, I'm not including you.
Right.
Me, Chad Drew, and Jeff Martin all watched the Masters on the computer.
You understand?
Yes.
They had a camera on us.
Right.
So, the idea was that people at home could watch the actual telecast of the
Masters on their
television set.
But, on their computers, they could see me, Chad Drew, and Jeff Martin comment
upon what we were seeing.
So, it was like being with your three funniest ever friends.
And Super Dave Osborne.
And, of course, the great Super Dave Osborne phoned in from the desert.
That's right.
He lives in Palm Desert.
We expected you to come by.
I wish I could.
But you never showed up.
Unfortunately, my car broke down.
True story.
That car always breaks down.
It's a piece of shit.
I know.
The Challenger.
It's a Cadillac.
You've been in it so many times.
Yeah, I've been in it a lot.
But I always thought it was a Challenger.
It's a Cadillac.
Yeah.
The Cadillac Challenger?
Nope.
It's a Cadillac DeVille.
It's a nice car.
It is.
Except it's always breaking down.
It breaks down a lot.
I didn't get to be.
I wasn't able to be here for it.
But I did get to watch it online.
You watched it?
I did.
I watched it all.
What about on Saturday when Tiger Woods on the 13th hit that pin?
It spun off into the water.
He incurred a two-stroke penalty, almost disqualified.
How amazing was that?
I didn't watch that part.
Huh?
I didn't see that part.
You didn't see that part?
Well, I skimmed through most of it.
Well, it was five hours.
It was a long podcast.
It was a five-hour podcast.
Yeah, it was long.
What I did do, though, is what I thought was cool is I came in here, you don't
know this,
but I came in here last night and I edited what I thought were the greatest
hits, if you
will, into a nice, tight package.
You did?
Yeah, I created a montage.
Well, that's cool because it's no longer on.
It was on last night, the full five hours.
You know, you can only watch five hours of a podcast.
Yeah.
So what you are saying to me right now is that you have edited the five hours
into a smaller
period of time.
Right.
Well, not personally.
Not personally?
You don't know how to use the Avid?
No, I frankly don't know.
I think Avid's going out.
I don't know if that's true.
I know that over here they have what they call an edit bay.
And I went in there and there was a nice gentleman.
This must have been incredible work for you to sift through five hours and condense
it.
You're telling me that you've taken five hours of entertainment and somehow
condensed
it into a couple of minutes.
Yeah.
It was fantastic all the way through, but I just thought...
Well, that's yeoman's work.
Well, look, I went in and I took what I thought were the best moments of the...
Follow-up question?
What's a yeoman?
Not a clue.
Russell Brand will know.
I'll bet you're goddamn right he will.
Okay, no need to curse.
All right, apologies.
Uh...
But please.
Listen, what I'm saying is, is I trim off that...
You know taking the Lord's name in vain is one of the commandments that will
get you raped
by the devil for all of time.
Agree to disagree.
Here's the deal.
You agree to disagree.
Agree to disagree.
Well, you know my doctor.
When I agreed to disagree, what he said?
It didn't work out.
Yeah, he said no.
No, he said he refused to agree to disagree, which I thought was impossible.
Until right now.
I've told you this before.
I know.
I said, because that's what I do at the end of an argument.
I go, I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.
Right.
He said no, I refuse.
Yeah, I remember.
I told you this story.
Of course, of course.
And he said, I will not agree to disagree.
I will disagree.
Right.
And I said, what's the distinction?
I thought there was no distinction between agreeing to disagree and disagreeing.
I thought it was just two ways of saying the same things.
He said no.
He said it would be as unconscionable for him to say that he would agree to
disagree as
it would be if I was some sort of Holocaust revisionist.
Right.
And I said, are you going to bring up the goddamn Holocaust every time I go in
to get my colonoscopy?
I got a colonoscopy.
Oh, good.
Well, listen.
All that aside.
He's an old man.
He's 96 and he has a tattoo.
I told you this whole story.
I know.
I know.
I thought it would work here.
And I just wanted to agree to disagree because I don't know anything about Abbott.
I don't know anything about Yohan.
No, you agreed to disagree about taking the Lord's name in vain.
Yeah, that too.
God, you have the memory of a fucking hummingbird.
Okay.
Well, let's see now your montage.
This is very exciting for me because I never got a chance to see us.
I trimmed the fat.
I think I got a nice short package here of all the greatest hits.
You trimmed the fat.
Let's take a look.
Let's roll the clip of the first day of the Master.
Thanks for doing this.
Yeah.
You should clutch your heart.
You should clutch your heart.
Oh, my God.
You should clutch your heart.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
You should clutch your heart.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, it's just the greatest hits.
I'm up to 240,000 people.
I'm up to 240,000 people.
I'm up to 240,000 people.
I'm up to 240,000 people, and I'm up to 240,000 people.
This guy says, you guys are really going at those sandwiches.
That's kind of hard to dispute.
What was the music all about?
I thought it was a nice touch.
It was good, right?
It was good, right?
Circus music.
Listen, it's not your fault.
Whatever.
It's funny, I guess.
I love it.
That fucking thing went viral.
There's a good chance it might.
I'm not happy about gaining all this weight.
I've told you that.
Yeah, I know.
You know, and I know I have to change things.
I went to my doctor.
God, that guy's a broken record.
But anyways, this is what my doctor told me.
I go to my doctor, right?
Right, right.
I say to my doctor, Doc, what's going on?
My doctor says, you are fat.
I said, how fat am I?
He said, you're so fat that if you don't stop, within a month, you could have a
heart
attack or a stroke.
That's not funny.
He's not a comedian.
No.
I was expecting a joke.
You're expecting a joke?
Yeah, I thought it sounded like you were a joke.
From my cardiologist?
I guess.
Anyways.
Listen, well, all right.
What did you...
I'm not eating well.
I know that.
I understand.
What did we eat?
We don't need video evidence of that.
We don't need to go to video.
But what did we eat right before this podcast?
You had tofu.
It's tofu.
Tofu.
Tofu.
And then you had that thing that was red and green.
It was a beet salad.
Yeah.
What'd you have?
I had three whole fried chickens.
What else?
Biscuits and gravy.
And?
I don't want to say that third thing.
What else?
What was the other thing?
Whatever.
Lard.
Exactly.
I like lard because there's like a purity to it.
And you know I grew up poor.
You know?
Frankly, I was just impressed that they carried lard at the place.
You don't see that too often.
Yeah.
No, I brought that with me.
A can of lard.
That makes sense.
But anyways, we're not here to talk about...
Look, I feel for you and I know what you're going through.
I really do.
I don't know if you knew this but I used to be very large.
I used to be really fat.
You did really?
Yeah.
Very, very fat.
Probably about, I don't know, about ten years ago I gained a lot.
You are 36.
I'm 34.
34 years old.
34.
And this is what I used to look like.
That's Fatim right there.
That's you?
That's me.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
That was on a good day too.
Is that like a fake picture?
No, that's not a fake picture.
So how old were you then?
You were 24?
Yeah, I was probably about 24, 25.
How much did you weigh?
Well, at that point I think the largest I got up to was about 250.
There I was probably about, I don't know, close, coming up on 250.
Do I look like that fucking fat pig?
Well, maybe not that fat.
I mean, this is your future, Norm.
It's your past.
It's my past and your future.
Sounds like a line from a Christmas Carol where a pig fucks it all up.
So that is, so you were 24.
Yeah.
So when did you gain the weight?
Well, I fluctuated a lot throughout my life.
How did you gain it?
Eating and not exercising.
Would that be your natural weight or do you have to fight that all the time?
Well, yeah.
I think I have to fight it to a degree, yeah.
And how did you lose the weight?
Cocaine.
Cocaine?
Cocaine.
Mostly, yeah, cocaine and other drugs and very, very serious depression.
That helps me a lot, Dr. Oz.
So you think I should get into cocaine?
Well, I mean, it worked for me.
Whatever.
All right.
Well, I'll lose it.
You know what I mean?
You'll lose it.
I'll lose it eventually.
I know you will.
You know why I started to gain the weight.
I told you.
I don't remember.
I'm up 45 pounds and it was for a role in a movie.
That's right, it was.
Anyways, whatever.
What was the role for again?
It wasn't a particular role, but I figured they always need a big fat guy in a
movie.
Turns out they don't.
They have plenty of fat guys that are much more experienced at acting and at
being a fat guy than I am.
If they put my name in a fucking publication like Entertainment Weekly.
You don't have to swear.
If they put my name in a publication like Entertainment Weekly, I don't think
you need to worry about gaining weight.
They'll put you in something, is what I'm saying.
They put your name in Entertainment Weekly?
Yeah, we talked about this last week.
Oh, we did?
Yeah.
Well, the doctor did say sometimes the fat moves to your brain and you get
dementia.
Yeah, that might be the lard.
But anyways, the point is not that.
The point is I wanted to talk Sunday was the most exciting ending of golf I
have ever seen.
And I was glad to share it with Chad Drew and Super Dave Osborne live from the
desert and Jeff Martin.
And what happened was that a playoff ensued between on call Cabrera, on hell
Cabrera is how he pronounces it.
The Argentinian bull.
You know what I mean?
You ever listen to, forget it, I can't remember the guy's name.
Probably not.
But this guy lived a hard scrabble life.
You know what I mean?
He grew up stealing chickens.
That's how he made his living.
That's hard coin.
Yeah.
And he couldn't get out of the country club so he shagged balls and everything.
You know, a tough old fella, but a heart of gold.
But you know, his father was a miner, you know, and only 15 I think at the time.
Jesus.
And he worked at some sort of factory.
And anyways, his opponent was this rich kid, you know, this Adam Scott fella
from Australia.
Oh, from Step Brothers?
No, not the actor Adam Scott, the professional golfer Adam Scott.
What are you, retarded?
So he, I know you're not retarded.
But, what are you, down syndrome?
But the point of it is this.
It was a class warfare.
Class warfare.
Because these guys, they went into extra holes.
And here it was this poor fella, this guy who grew up a peasant's son and had
to take all kinds of hell from the Argentinian police.
You know, trying to steal chickens for a living.
Of course the police are going to get involved.
And who is he against?
This kid that was born with a platinum spoon in his mouth.
You know, this Adam Scott kid.
And, of course, the rich guy won.
I didn't see that at all.
You know how the script was going to end on that one.
But anyways, did you see the end of it?
Did you see it on Sunday, the end?
Like I said, I watched all the podcasts.
I skimmed through a good deal, a good amount of it.
Oh, great.
