Name: Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Super Dave Osborne (S01E01)
Uploaded: 2013-03-26T00:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Super Dave Osborne (S01E01)' from Norm Macdonald Live on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-03-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Super Dave Osborne (S01E01)' from Norm Macdonald Live on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-03-26. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Live w/ Guest Super Dave Osborne (S01E01)

hey welcome to the show this is a podcast but it's on the TV also and I'm here
with my trusty
sidekick Adam Egas that's right how are you Norm good how are you Adam fine
excellent yeah
your life is going well couldn't be better but you're always in trouble with
the law I wouldn't
I wouldn't say that a little bit well I mean yeah a little I mean don't you
think that possibly
we're boring the shit out of the public right now about Adam Egan yeah just
having non-secretive
talk no this is not non-secretive when are you going to introduce me well maybe
we should introduce
Super Day seems like a good idea okay this is our first guest what is the band
going to play when
I come out there's no band you don't have a band we don't have a band on the
show but it's a talk
show I know but really that's a that's an old-timey talk show the bands ever
help
no they've never done anything okay go ahead the roots the roots yeah go ahead
go ahead you find it
weird when talk shows say how good the band always when they come out of
commercial and no one's heard
the music but the band made everything and people are wild over the band the
band you know what you
ought to do right now get up and dance like Ellen what all over the building
and we'll follow you
with the camera wouldn't that be great you could dance over women yeah all
right go ahead have you
ever done the Ellen show no not yet you've done a lot of talk shows I really
have talk shows are in
the news now isn't that what you were telling me Adam I get uh I did what's the
story on them I think
we'll get to that later we do have we well why don't we do it now can I say one
thing can I just say
one thing yes I have not seen you in so long I know it's been a while I love
you makes you very sad
now that you're I've gained 45 pounds I don't care a man as brilliant as you
are is doing a podcast for 18
people and and and Kim Kardashian's mother has a talk show I would like to kick
what is her name
Kris Jenner yeah right in the balls and make sure she never had another baby do
you understand what
I'm saying yeah I know what you're saying when those girls are all old they'll
be living in a
corral but don't you think it's good that you can reach a point where you don't
have to do shows
like that like Celebrity Apprentice you wouldn't you don't have to do that show
no no no some
celebrities have to do this nice celebrity it's like dancing with the stars
yeah may I say something
about yes yes one of the dancing with the stars people is a Beverly Hills housewife
how is she a
star and then Winona Ryder comes out Renata Judd Winona Judd and she's dancing
I don't mind seeing
hefty women dance sure you but I don't want to see it on television what I
would do on that show is I
would make sure that on the side they had an Indianapolis pit crew and during
her dance she would
come over and they change her underwear and then she would go back out and
finish the dance but
yeah where do you like to see hefty women dance in the circus that's where I
like to see hefty
women who the hell wants to see hefty women dance no I know no her partner can't
believe it yeah but I'm
wait till he has to lift her up good luck on that one my friend but I'm but I'm
rooting for Andy Dick
yeah I like Andy yeah and he's a good he's been through a hell a lot of hell
yeah yeah well I say one
thing now he had substance abuse problems a lot of them like Adam Egret I uh
yeah I have had a
intro into Adam substance abuse problem yeah well no because he's because he's
friends all over his
arms no no those are no he was playing some game video game on the on the
internet I didn't know you
did intravenous drugs no I don't I don't do that anymore what did you do you
used to do yeah I did a
lot of I've done a lot of drugs you've injected drugs in your arm well no no I
never injected it I
never injected it yeah he's he's he's sober for nine months yeah nine months
today that's like three
quarters of a chip can't tell you how much I give a shit you don't care no no
no I don't I don't care
if you're shooting up while we're doing the show now now listen to me careful
are you happy for
I'm so happy for him but here's the thing my favorite story of all time is Pistoris
oh yes yes
the runner tell who Pistoris is well you know who Pistoris is no but for the
people for the viewers that
don't know well the viewers don't know African gentleman well he should tell it
to some of the
viewers who don't know who Pistoris is he's an Olympic runner who ran with
blades everyone knows
who he is well I wouldn't say ran with blades I didn't ask you what you would
say that's true
that's true listen after the show I'm gonna start Pistoris grew up as a kid
without legs which is tough
yes okay his whole life he's made fun of all of a sudden he gets blades he
becomes the hero of the
world makes millions of dollars meets the most beautiful woman in the history
of life and shoots
yes sir but comes up with the lamest excuse I've ever heard what was his excuse
he said he was standing on
the balcony on his stumps behind beside the bed where's two legs and this
gorgeous woman in the bed
now if I'm a burglar I'm breaking in for two reasons one to rape a woman and
two to rob everything so if I
come in there and I see Jesus Christ I got legs I can take I can take her I'm
gonna do up no I'm not
I'm gonna go into the bathroom lock myself in and take a good healthy dump
what kind of an excuse is that you're right it's a weak alibi it's so weak yeah
he said he didn't
know where his wife his girlfriend was the toilet is a foot away yeah wouldn't
you notice if she's in bed or not
of course so what's the number one reason you'd break into a house yeah I want
to go over that
again I don't break into a house I said number one reason that someone goes
into a house is
they either rape someone or steal something okay yeah and this guy found a gold
mine but he decided to
take a shit instead doesn't make sense does it and what about that dormer this
guy who killed the cops
yeah explain to the folks I don't want to explain anything if you're going to
say that after everything
I said I'm going to leave no I've heard people say that this is the cheapest
thing I've ever been involved
no I've heard people say that if I didn't love you I would be so gone now I can't
tell you
I've heard people say that explain to the folks who that is
the African American police officer his arms are like this
he can't take a bad picture even his mug shot was great
he goes and decides to hide in big bear yeah he's the only black man in big
bear and he was there for
six days what was he going to the market with those with nose glasses are you
Christopher Dorner
no sir but you look like him no no and then after they killed him yeah the
police were giving the
story and behind them the house was burning and they said is Dorner inside we
don't know we're not
sure so you're just killing someone and burning their house and then you'll
find out later
maybe he's taking a dump hey did you read his manifesto yeah you know I went to
a tennis
match at indian well yeah and I saw Rafael Nadal play he's my favorite Rafael
Nadal explain to the
the folks who Rafael Nadal is oh my god no he of course Rafael Nadal I'll
explain Rafael Nadal is
a tennis player only 26 but seemingly beyond his prime great player abs like
great but here's the
thing you like his abs every single time he serves and returns he picks his
underwear out of his ass he
does yes I've never heard there's a video of a show and I brought it there's a
video of that yes I
brought it well how could that let me roll that off the schneid what it's too
much bread and butter
you can't see that public this man is a genius that's all he does what if he
was a dentist hello hello
hello oh I smell that oh what was that all about you know what I was thinking
though do you remember the
girl that got stabbed what Monica Sellas yeah but that's a long time ago why
don't we talk about
Columbus no but I'll tell no here's the thing you know I hate I think that if
Kim Kardashian yeah
were to go to Vegas yeah she could do carrot tops act and take things out of
her ass that's
what Nadal reminded me of that's a pretty solid idea yeah I don't understand
that I don't either
but I respect that idea well you know Karen top takes things out of a trunk
yeah oh I see yeah
am I going to have to explain everything to you no to the folks explain who Kim
Kardashian is
never mind because I think the joke was predicated on knowing that she has a
big ass
wasn't it people don't know that young people don't know everybody knows have
you seen the
pictures of her yeah two weeks ago he showed them to me yeah she's gained a lot
of you gained a lot
of weight so I gained 45 pounds I was going to say something actually why well
I thought you've been
gaining some weight yeah I gained 45 pounds you okay yeah what's going on I'm
doing it for a movie
for what what's the role what are you playing Jackie Gleason what do you mean
it's not a particular movie I
just think they need I always need a fat guy in a movie you're doing hard you're
paying it forward
yeah yeah no I am I'm going to lose it though yeah it's the heaviest I've ever
seen and since I've
gained it I sweat like a like a like a like a whore in church I don't mean to
be what I don't mean to be
filthy but a whore in church yeah she's nervous so she sweats because I'm like
a Chris Dorner in a
big bear cabin okay come on well I'm just racist did you read his manifesto I
wanted to add did you
read his manifesto yes I I wanted to get your take on it because I've read bits
and pieces now explain
what what did the manifesto cover like what was he talking about well it said
this the the you know
this the streets of San Diego would run red with blood but it also said that he
liked Lisa Lampanella's
act a lot did you know that he did yeah he mentioned a lot of celebrities he
said Lisa Lampanella Lisa
Lampanella who else Jeff Ross Jeff Ross he likes the roasts I believe he said
uh yeah he said he was
going to oust the attorney general for the for the fraud he was also he thought
that uh uh that the big bang
theory jumped the shark season three I think he didn't really say that but he's
using two women
on a bridge yeah one says you know what Helen I've always wanted to pee off
this bridge just like men
do yeah go ahead there's no one around so she goes over the railings drops her
shorts sticks her ass
over the register says come here I'm going to pee right down there in that
canoe said it's not a canoe
that you're your ass white producer just held up a side let's take a break
where are we going we're
talking to six people you know we could get on a bus right now the three of us
and yell out the window
and reach more people listen what about this what Adam egret likes to tell
jokes you like to tell
jokes what if each of us each of you told a joke and decided who was the better
joke
Adam egret will start that is such a great idea okay you start out wait wait
wait i'm going to say
a joke you want me to just let's take a break yeah i think we should probably
take a break okay we'll
take a break and then we'll do the joke off no we're not doing the jerk off
joke oh it's a joke
off yeah wildly different we're not doing it you don't you don't think you can
take them
it's got nothing to do with it we're taking a break
well it's a sing-along tour michael about six months ago the sing-along
society of north america called and said super we think you could help us get
rid of profanity
on the highway and i said what do you mean and they said well have you ever
pulled up alongside
a car and seen someone singing to a record they're happy it's very hard to sing
a swear word
yes indeed so they felt that if i could go on a week-long tour we're going to
cover about 5 000
miles i'll be singing night and day that maybe i could be like a pied piper
people would follow me
start to sing along and then when i left i could leave kind of a musi