Name: AYG Comedy Podcast: NATHAN MACINTOSH: Gay Gun Club
Uploaded: 2020-03-09T14:22:44.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'AYG Comedy Podcast: NATHAN MACINTOSH: Gay Gun Club' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'AYG Comedy Podcast: NATHAN MACINTOSH: Gay Gun Club' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-09. Transcript available.

AYG Comedy Podcast: NATHAN MACINTOSH: Gay Gun Club

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?
The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's new favorite podcast.
This is Are You Garbage?
I'm your host, H. Foley.
Self-proclaimed suburban Philly garbage.
And sitting directly across from me is my illustrious co-host who is from a
long line of purebred northeast Philly trash.
In there like ticks, baby.
That's right.
Fucking a lot of blue-collar jobs coming out of his clan.
A lot of no-show jobs, too.
Look, I'm not trying to be rude, man.
You're clearly garbage.
You as a human being are complete trash.
Walking landfill, if you will.
This guy was up four hours ago to text me, are you ready to do my podcast in
four hours?
I go, buddy, I'm up.
I'm drinking coffee.
I'm reading the paper.
And then you, you come in late to your podcast.
Garbage.
Trash.
It's a trash movie.
First time I've ever been late.
First time I have ever been late to anything involving comedy in 11 years.
Kip, you want to hear this?
Yeah, you're trash.
The MTA fucked him.
Yeah, the MTA.
The MTA.
It's not that you probably fell asleep and woke up at 1130 and was like, oh
shit, I've got to get out of here.
Oh, the MTA.
You're in a maple syrup coma.
They're never on time.
They're never on time, the MTA.
These trains, they go up, they go down.
Buddy, get up.
Get the hell out there.
Get on a platform.
I've got to get on a program here.
Ladies and gentlemen, that voice you hear to my right is our illustrious guest
this week.
Did I say illustrious twice?
Yes.
I'm garbage.
It's the only smart word I know.
Your word of the day calendar from 1999.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are so happy to have this gentleman here.
He's a great friend of ours.
He's been on a Tonight Show.
He's been on Cone.
He's from all over the country, all over the world.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Nathan McIntyre.
We did it.
We did it.
We got me in the building on time.
I don't know how it happened.
I was on the MTA too.
Maybe they just like me.
You know what I mean?
The train, let me tell you something.
I'm sorry.
You also probably took the same train.
No, I take a separate train.
Look, I'm one of the people.
You know what I mean?
There's a separate train when you're one of the people.
Sure.
And the driver does come out and he goes,
Look, everybody, you're upper class.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're clearly decent people that work.
We'll get you to where you want to go on time.
We're going to get you to where...
That fat guy that's eating ice cream in February on the platform,
he's going to be late.
He just knocked the TV off the fucking wall.
He's got an egg sandwich dripping down his chest.
See that guy who's sweating in February?
He's going to be late to his appointment.
Sweat-u-ary?
It is hot out there.
Not going to lie.
I mean, it's not...
It's muggy.
It is.
It's sticky.
It's muggy.
It's sticky.
This is not winter.
Whatever.
It's not good.
Anyways, I'm happy to be here.
Thank you guys for having me.
So happy to have you.
You're both heroes.
Big fans.
Thank you.
We are so happy to have you here.
Real...
Sorry.
Real quick.
I just want to say to the listener, rate, review, and subscribe on iTunes.
Get that out of the way real quick.
You know what I mean?
You fucking bozos.
All right?
We got to get this plane off the ground.
This is our third attempt here at a fucking successful podcast.
And I ain't going back to fucking waiting tables.
I'll tell you that right now.
So you take your chubby little fingers on up and hit the fucking subscribe
button.
Tell a fucking friend.
Rate and review the goddamn thing.
And let's keep this thing fucking moving.
And if you got the YouTube there on your internet service, subscribe on YouTube.
You can watch us.
And subscribe to us and follow us on Instagram and Twitter.
All right.
Relax.
Let's get into it.
Okay.
Let's get into it.
Nathan, you're here to find out if you are garbage.
Okay.
So we're going to sit.
We're going to goof around a little bit.
We're going to talk.
We're going to have some laughs.
We're going to do this.
A little bit of that.
A little coffee.
A little whatever you want.
Then we're going to play a little game.
Sound good?
Yeah, man.
I'm already here.
No, that sounds bad.
I'm out of here.
That's it.
Man, I was like, no.
At this point in time, no.
Now that you've run it by me, I don't want to be here anymore.
I want nothing to do with this.
We could just go get some omelets.
Get some omelets.
I'd love an omelet.
What do you get in an omelet?
What do you put in an omelet?
Depends.
Depends on what they're offering or what do you mean?
It's funny you mention that because that was something.
You know what I was thinking we should call it?
We should call it garbage confessions of the week.
We should say things that we did that was garbage to start it off.
And I got a couple.
From today?
Late.
Late.
No.
Stop with the late.
I'm late once.
I mean, you're an idiot if you don't want to believe that you've been late for
one thing ever in your life.
In 11 years.
In comedy, I'm always 10 minutes early.
So you must have been stabbed then or robbed.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Something crazy happened out there.
If you've never been late in your life.
Nate, I don't want to call myself a hero, but there's some blind children that
got out of a fire safely about 25 minutes ago.
I'm happy to hear that.
What gay gun club did you get those glasses at, by the way?
Those rose-colored shooters.
Oh, man.
Perfect.
I don't even want to.
I just want to let that live.
Where?
Gay gun club.
Perfect.
Strawberries.
Oh, man.
Dude, don't even.
What's going on here?
You're only going to hurt what you just said.
You got a Cadillac and you're putting bumper stickers on it.
Relax.
Oh, man.
That's great.
I was telling the Kip here.
It's dark outside.
Sometimes you want some color in your life.
I've got these glasses sitting around.
They're actually Liz's, but I told her to buy them because I wanted to wear
them.
So here we are.
I have some underwear of my girlfriend's face.
Same thing happened.
That's why you're late.
Trimmed over a thong this morning.
Hey, babe, grab that butt plug.
You're going to love it.
Bang your head on a radiator.
All right.
So what do you got there, Tubsy?
What do I got?
It's sad that, and yes, I am garbage because that is a serious question.
When you ask me, what do I get in an omelet?
Or somebody asks me, what do I get for breakfast?
It is a situation where it depends who I'm with.
You know what I mean?
If I'm by myself, you would be really, you would be sad, I think.
He's like Denzel in Man on Fire, or if I fucked this up.
Man on Fire.
Yeah.
Man on Fire.
He's about to paint his masterpiece.
Just recently watched that.
Ooh, that's a good movie.
Man on Fire.
That Dakota Fanning?
Man, that kid's got some chops for a nine-year-old.
I'll tell you that.
She's good.
Real good.
So what do you get in an omelet?
But again, get back to your dream breakfast.
If you have a dream breakfast, you're garbage.
If you're by yourself, you get a disgusting amount of food in an omelet.
If I'm by myself-
He gets a burrito.
In an omelet.
Now listen, I want to preface this, all right?
Me and my girlfriend, we've been doing plant-based for like two and a half
weeks.
Is that true?
Yes, that's true.
I've been doing it for like three months.
I'm down about six.
All right, you don't have to one-up me.
No, I'm-
Fair enough.
Jesus Christ.
I'm saying I'm on the same deal.
That's great.
It's tough.
We treated ourselves to a little Chinese on Sunday.
You had fish last night.
I was with you.
Yeah, all right.
We had fish.
Fish, look, I get what you're saying about the fish.
I've had fish a couple times.
Well, he's three weeks in and I already got him twice that he's not doing a
plant-based diet.
Chinese food.
Is he eating more salad?
Maybe.
I mean, it's not a plant-based fucking diet.
All right, relax, Jillian Barbary.
If you have-
Whoever you are.
Look, a fish, a fish, it's a fucking, a fish is, a fish barely knows what's
going on.
They don't know.
You know what I mean?
A fish, a fish is a rock with a tiny brain.
What the fuck do you know about fish?
You ever got friends?
You ever got a fish?
What the fuck do you know about fish?
Shut the fuck up.
What the fuck do you know about fish?
He's wearing glasses like this in that movie.
Yeah.
In the back seat, the guy, he's like, what kind of, where'd you get the fish?
Yeah, where'd you get the fish?
You just go in and ask for a fish?
You just walked into the store and go, I want a fish.
Yeah.
So what'd you get in this omelet?
A fish, a burrito, Chinese food.
I forget that question.
This is all in the burrito.
Burrito.
Can I get a General Tao cheddar omelet?
Well, you know it's trash if you're ordering delivery, if your first meal of
the day is delivery
and it's not breakfast.
Like, you get, sometimes you'll get, like, Chinese food for breakfast when you
wake up.
I used to in the past, yes.
Yes, that's true.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's a classy operation right there.
You wake up, let me get some fucking egg rolls, wipe the coal out my eyes, and
get a dim sum.
Yeah, I took a little time off this summer.
I relaxed a little bit.
So two and a half weeks, plant-based.
Plant-based.
Okay, good.
And you're feeling good.
I'm feeling good.
I like the hair.
I like the glasses.
Thank you.
But I slipped up this morning.
Then what happened?
I got on the business end of an Eggo waffle.
Have you ever heard of a little thing called a full bottle of whiskey?
I ate a whole cow.
No, I got up to move the car.
That's why I called you, and I ended up over at the Mickey D's drive-thru.
I'm not going to lie to you.
Why don't you call me?
I mean, you know what I mean?
Why didn't you go, hey, buddy?
Phone a friend?
If you're up.
It's not the suicide hotline.
It's a fucking Egg McMuffin.
For you, it might be.
No, I'm saying, get me in the car with you.
We'll both run through the drive-thru.
Oh, yeah.
You would have came?
Do you know how much I love a sausage McMuffin, and I haven't had one in so
long, but a sausage
McMuffin, no egg, cheese?
Are you out of your fucking mind?
It's just sausage and cheese.
I got a buddy that does that.
It's great now.
The salt that's in it.
It's also $1.50.
Buddy, it's a party.
You can get two of those.
It's a good way to spend six bucks.
This is fucking egg.
The egg doesn't even...
The egg's not a real egg.
I don't trust their eggs.
It is a real egg.
That's what they say.
I don't buy it.
No, it is.
I've seen them crack them up.
They didn't use that.
They have a little ring.
The 90s was wide open.
It was.
No, the 90s, we don't know what we were eating.
They were putting fucking...
It was like the Wild Wild West back there.
It was like a couple of napkins, and they painted the middle yellow, and they...
You know what I mean?
There's no way they're using real eggs.
I don't care.
Look, I'm a McDonald's fan in terms of like, McCafe's a party.
You like their coffee?
They're 99 cents all day long, in and out the door.
And it's good.
It's good.
It's a good coffee.
That's trash.
McCafe is a party.
I don't call it McCafe.
I don't try to church it up.
I don't call it McCafe.
It's called McCafe.
I don't get a look at the sign.
I don't go, let me get a McCafe.
No, I don't say...
Do you get a table when you go in?
I don't say...
Hey, two?
Can I get two in a back?
I do not say...
Two smoking?
Can I get a McCafe?
I'm saying the coffee-esque that comes from the McCafe.
Do you understand?
Yeah, I get it.
I can't wait till one of us flips this table.
So anyway, if you would have called...
You texted me at 8.30 in the morning, right?
I was up, okay?
Okay.
You said...
Were you really reading the paper?
I was reading the paper?
I was reading the...
No, I'm not reading the paper.
No.
Okay.
I was up, though.
Squeezing a little grapefruit, you know what I mean?
Mixing them up, getting the juice.
We're talking about this