Name: AYG Comedy Podcast: Robert Kelly - Diner Trash
Uploaded: 2020-05-04T04:00:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'AYG Comedy Podcast: Robert Kelly - Diner Trash' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'AYG Comedy Podcast: Robert Kelly - Diner Trash' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-04. Transcript available.

AYG Comedy Podcast: Robert Kelly - Diner Trash

Hey, what's up, everybody? Welcome to the R.U. Garbage Comedy Podcast.
Please take a second to subscribe to the YouTube channel.
That way you get the episodes as they come out. Thanks a lot.
Welcome to another exciting edition of R.U. Garbage,
the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast.
This is R.U. Garbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians
are trashy or classy.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you from beautiful Astoria, Queens,
where the bodies are stacking high here during the pandemic, getting a little
dicey on the streets.
My co-host, hot-tailed out of town at the first sign of trouble.
He's coming at you from an undisclosed location somewhere in southern New
Jersey.
Our good pal, Kippy, Kevin, James, Ryan, everybody.
Oh, baby.
Down here in the Irish Riviera, also known as North Wildwood, New Jersey.
Laying low, playing it right, eating at Sam's Pizzeria.
Yeah, man, happy to be here.
Thanks for tuning in, everybody.
We appreciate all the support.
We appreciate all the rating, reviewing.
Please subscribe on iTunes, subscribe on YouTube.
You can watch the full video.
Thanks so much as we get this bad boy off the ground.
Very nice.
And we have a very, very, very, very, very special guest today.
We're so happy that he came to join us on the podcast.
I'm going to read this laundry list of credits.
Now, I was going to skip over them, do a couple, but I said, fuck it.
I'm going to take my time, and I want everybody to know.
So here we go.
I'm going to go all the way back to fucking 2007, Jimmy Kimmel Live, Comedy
Central Presents,
Dane Cook's Torgasm.
We got Gotham Comedy Live.
We have Robert Kelly Live at the Village Underground.
And then we got Cop Show, Inside Amy Schumer, Be a Man, What's Your Fucking
Deal,
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, Two Drink Minimum, Week at the Comedy
Cellar,
and Gary Goleman's The Depress.
All right, then we switch over to the acting credits, Skippy.
And we go back 30 fucking six.
Started out in 1996 with a short called Enough Already.
Then you got Law and Order.
You got Hack.
You got Good Luck Chuck, Grand Theft Auto, Law and Order, Criminal Intent,
the regular fucking Law and Order, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Inside Amy Schumer,
Sirens, Nurse Jackie, Louie, Marin, Trainwreck, Benders,
20 episodes on sex, drugs, and rock and roll, Crashing,
Lust for Life, and the Truth About Santa Claus.
Ladies and gentlemen, he is also the owner and operator of Riot Cast Network,
and he is the host of YKWD.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Robert Kelly.
You forgot Calter and Kelly.
I'm on a new podcast, Calter, six nights a week, seven o'clock on Patreon.com
slash Robert Kelly.
Calter and Kelly.
Oh, that's great.
I'm sweating after that.
Look at me.
I'm sweating.
I know, dude.
I'm getting a little nervous.
Why?
Why so?
Well, you shouldn't sweat after you read.
I took my baby aspirin.
Relax.
I'm good.
You've been banking on that baby aspirin for three years.
I don't think it's going to hold up.
Bobby, you take a baby aspirin every day, I see, right?
I don't.
What?
I don't.
I'm offended that you assume.
You've got a dead man walking here.
Are you kidding me?
You're six years older than me.
You're not taking baby aspirin?
Listen, you're inside of actually a place that probably is regulated heat.
I'm in a hot shed, and I'm not sweating.
You look like either you're nervous or you're dying right now.
I don't know what's happening.
You're sweating.
It's warm.
I mean, are you in fucking South Africa?
Where are you?
I'm in Queens.
I'm in Astoria, Queens, and I got the windows shut and the heat's on for some
reason.
Because I got the steam heat.
It looks like you just got out of the shower and it didn't stick.
You didn't fully ever dry off, and then it just rolled over into sweating,
which is-
I fucking hate that, man.
As a former big guy, that's bad news.
I hate that, too.
When you put cream on, like my wife would put cream on, and you're a fat guy,
and then
you start to sweat, and it just forms a layer of just film.
Yes, just film.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You don't take a baby aspirin every day?
What's your regimen?
Let's start here.
I don't take anything.
You don't take fish oil?
No.
Why would I take five minutes?
Bobby's fucking old school.
I love it.
This is crazy.
Steak and eggs in the morning and a stick for lunch if you catch my drift.
When's the last time you had a stress test?
I had one a year ago, after Colin Quinn had a heart attack.
And?
I'm fucking great.
Wow.
And they don't recommend fish oil, baby aspirin, nothing like that for you?
No.
They fucking said you got to lose weight.
That's it.
And I just lost 30, 35 pounds.
Congratulations.
You're down 35 pounds.
Congratulations.
Yeah.
You look great, buddy.
You see it in your face, for sure.
Thanks, buddy.
Yeah.
And I like the little, I like the little, the crooked cop thing you got going
on there.
And I'm not sweating.
Yeah.
That's a big telltale sign of stress.
Stop trying to play this angle.
Like I'm having a fucking, having a stroke over here.
Well, I mean, you're fucking scared.
Dude, as a big guy to a big guy, we're doing a Zoom video chat.
It's like you're on fucking that Ninja Warrior show.
This is your stress test and you're not, you're not doing well.
I mean, what the fuck, dude?
You look like you're doing this outside in June.
It's just hot in here.
Plus the light's not great.
I don't know my ring light.
See, but I like, I like Bobby goes like, nah, they didn't tell me to do
anything.
They tell me to lose weight.
And that's what I'm doing.
Foley, Foley fucking took the governor off the car.
And he's like, ah, fish oil, stop it, dude.
You're going down the wrong fucking way, Natio.
I tell you what, I look at that baby aspirin as like my golden parachute.
Anytime I feel a little bit bad, I just pop one of those.
I'm good.
Yeah.
I think, I don't think that, I think you're fucking up.
Yes.
Thank you.
Thank you, Bobby.
I think you're fucking up by the perspiration test.
Yeah.
That's not a mustache.
That's just sweat, actually.
You look like, you're so, you look like Gwyneth Paltrow's legs.
That's how shiny you are right now.
Yeah.
Listen, your face should not be a, a, a, a dramatically different color than
your neck.
It's got a bad case of red.
I don't think it is.
That only happens, that only happens when you die.
I think it's just the camera.
It's just, it's just, it's just the way it's, it's just the camera.
It's not the 500 pounds that he's carrying around Bobby.
He has the diabetes filter on.
Is that the new stroke filter you got going there, Fatty?
Holy shit, dude.
I'm nervous, man.
We can do this like in a half hour.
I mean, you need to go fucking soak in a tub.
Go have a Diet Coke, do something.
Take the edge off.
Let me just grab my defibrillator real quick, just in case fucking shit goes
south.
Well, it's so funny because I didn't, you're looking at Rye's background.
I didn't, I didn't know you lived with the golden girls.
Blanche is a nice lady.
This is very, this is very down the shore.
So I'm in the, I'm at the Jersey shore and it's very, this is, I mean, it's all
lighthouses.
It's all, I'm looking at the sign.
It says teach a man to fish.
We'll spend the summer on a boat.
You know what I mean?
That's like, that's, that's where I'm at.
Reclaim wood.
They made that mirror out of it.
A ship that fucking, yeah, capsized offshore.
And some old lady went down.
I'll make a mirror out of this.
There's a lot of light.
There's a lighthouse theme for sure going on.
I like, I like Foley.
You're set.
Are you, are you dying?
Get a, go get a towel.
What are you talking about?
Foley, Foley, you look worse every time I look at Bobby and then go back to you.
You're worse.
Because he has a nice ring light.
I'm using like an old shitty light.
Look, buddy, I have a lamp light for my kid's room.
I swear to God.
Hang on.
Here we go.
Look, is that better?
I mean, you might want to do that.
That's a little better.
Yeah.
Is that a fucking light from the twenties?
Did Tesla make that light?
Is that why you're so fine?
That's like a movie light.
Howard Hughes used.
It's an oil lamp, if you must know.
It's an oil lamp.
Yeah.
You know, they make these little LED lights right here.
I got one coming.
I got one coming from Amazon.
Okay, great.
Because that, maybe that's what was making you.
I mean, your forearms are wet.
That's disgusting.
Yeah, you're sweating, dude.
You're raining over there, buddy.
You can see it.
Your shirt's sticking to you.
Hang on.
Yeah.
Yeah, get a fan or something.
Yeah.
You have one of those Japanese fans that the gay comic chooses.
Just to make a punchline dramatic.
Oh, you didn't like that?
Well, like this.
I'm doing that when we get back to comedy, for sure.
Let's quit screwing around here.
All right, let's go.
Buster.
So, Bobby, we're going to ask you a series of questions to find out if you're
garbage.
Have some inclination that you are.
And I just wanted to state, I know you grew up in a certain situation, so we're
going to stay away from that.
And let me tell in all sincerity, if you haven't checked out Robert Kelly's WTF
with Marc Maron, do yourself a favor and fucking check that episode out.
If you want to talk about a guy who overcame adversity to become successful,
that's the fucking story you want to hear.
So, I just want to focus on, from like, you know, when you were coming up as a
comic in New York, and more so your current situation now with the family.
Right.
All right?
Yeah.
Just to find out.
I should get a drink.
Can I get a drink real quick?
Because this sounds like, I mean, between your sweating and this dramatic
fucking setup.
It's so lighthearted.
It's like the generic cereal, that kind of shit.
He sets it up like you're going to go to Congress.
I mean, show me where he touched you.
Show me right now where he touched you.
All right, Kip, you want to start it off?
You want me to start it off?
You can start it off, pal.
Very nice.
Look at him.
Look at him.
He's making fun of me.
Look at this.
Oh, my God.
He does got the college boy right behind him.
That's fucking garbage, man.
Okay.
All right.
The college boy, the college boy in arm's reach is a nice touch.
That is nice.
That's garbage, though.
What is that?
What is that?
Is that a purple soda?
Yeah, that's a, no, sparkling water.
I don't have sugar anymore, you fucking tub of shit.
All right.
I thought you went over.
I saw a love handle reaching for that refrigerator.
Well, listen, I'm not, I'm still a fat mess.
That's why I'm trying to help, dude.
I'm, I care about you.
I don't care about fucking used to be fat face.
I care about you.
You know what I mean?
I mean, I, I, uh, you're, you're the reason I lost the weight.
You had the guy on talking about no sugar, no grains on your podcast that next
morning.
I woke up fucking and kicked it into gear.
No sugar, no grains.
Yeah, that's it.
I'm, I'm, I'm back on that kind of, yeah, but no, no bullshit.
So what's up?
Let's do this.
Let's get it going.
Let's fucking do this.
All right.
Let's start off.
Uh, you're up there around the Westchester area.
What's the name of the, what's the name of the grocery store that you go to?
Um, well, I don't go to it.
My wife does.
Old school.
I like it.
A couple of them broads in the kitchen.
Am I right, Bobby?
A couple of well done steaks and some canned potatoes.
I like it.
I'm kidding.
I, I, I, I, no, I'm not kidding.
She, I wouldn't, no, I would never go to the store.
Um, no, I, uh, it's called the Chico's.
Ooh, is it like a chain or is it a single owned?
It's a very small chain.
Ah, that's nice.
He said it, he answered it very defensively, which leads me to believe it's
garbage.
No.
Well, I'll tell you, the Chico's is a little higher end.
Uh, it's above, it's above stop and shop.
Now I have nothing against stop and shop.
Sure.
Middle road.
Um, but