Name: AYG Comedy Podcast: Brendan Sagalow - Long Island Trash
Uploaded: 2020-06-08T05:37:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'AYG Comedy Podcast: Brendan Sagalow - Long Island Trash' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'AYG Comedy Podcast: Brendan Sagalow - Long Island Trash' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-08. Transcript available.

AYG Comedy Podcast: Brendan Sagalow - Long Island Trash

Hey, what's up, everybody? Welcome to the R.U. Garbage Comedy Podcast.
Please take a second to subscribe to the YouTube channel.
That way you get the episodes as they come out. Thanks a lot.
Welcome to another exciting edition of R.U. Garbage,
the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast.
This is R.U. Garbage.
It's the show where we sit down with your favorite comedians and find out if
they grew up classy
or if, as the Italians say, they are garabagio.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful night here in Astoria,
Queens,
the world's borough, ladies and gentlemen.
You can smell the revolution in the air.
My co-host, back in New York City, came right back in the nick of time,
to save us all, our good pal, Kevin James Ryan, everybody.
Hey, gang.
Had to vacate the belt of king of the boardwalk,
and I am back to claim the Big Apple, baby.
At least for the next 48 hours.
A couple of tax purposes I had to get back to take care of, if you know what I
mean.
Pick up the mail, make a phone call, grab a shower, or out the door.
Keep up appearances, you know?
Let the neighbors know I'm still around.
Let them know I'm not in here dead.
Let them know who still runs the block, huh?
Yeah, happy to be here, guys.
Thanks so much for listening.
If you haven't already, please rate, review, subscribe on iTunes.
Also, as you know, the full video is available on YouTube.
Make sure you subscribe and check that out.
Thank you.
Mm, very nice.
And as you folks know, that Patreon is up and running.
And we highly recommend everybody getting on the old Patreon train here at RU
Garbage.
And everybody that has signed up, we appreciate it.
That's why we're going to kick this episode off right now with some of the
subscriber questions
that we have in the vault.
Kevin Ryan, let's rock and roll.
What do you got?
Yeah, guys.
First of all, thanks so much.
The fucking Patreon, we just launched this week.
And it's fucking cooking.
Our first goal was 100 patrons we wanted to reach.
We're already fucking halfway there.
So, if you haven't already joined, once we get 100 patrons, I will go to Foley's
fucking
parents' house and we're going to do a garbage-style MTV Cribs and fucking see
what kind
of filth he really did come from.
Ooh, we'll get some eyes on the pool.
We'll get a man on the street down there in blue belt.
We're going to put out the good paper plates when you come, Kippy.
Ooh, the wax-covered ones?
My baby.
Get that car off the lawn.
Kippy's coming, ma.
And brush your hair, the old bag.
We got company, guys.
But as you know, so once you do, because we get so many submissions of people
sending
us questions, we can't get to all of them.
So, what we're doing is if you join the Patreon, we will read yours on an
episode.
So, that's what we're doing now.
We're going to knock out a couple each time as they come in.
So, all right.
First one comes from our boy, Todd Stout.
Hi, thank you, buddy.
Did a parent ever siphon gas out of another family member's car?
And I got to be honest, yeah.
Without their knowledge?
No.
And he says, bonus points if he smoked a cig while doing it and if it was a
step kid's
car.
I don't ever remember my father turning the car off or putting out his
cigarette anytime
we went to a gas station.
Oh, never.
I didn't know your dad used to catch Bernie's.
Yeah.
He said, Marlboro Reds.
What are you talking about?
Fucking kidding me?
Down there gutting it out with Charlie?
He was huffing Reds, baby.
Doing it right.
The right.
Yeah.
He wrote a fucking cow, a horseback.
He smoked so many.
He traded in all his Marlboro miles to get a fucking thoroughbred.
He took that home from Vietnam.
I for sure have, my stepdad for sure siphoned gas out of my cousin's car.
It was the 90s, so I'm sure there was Winston's either during or if not right
before and or
right after.
And I didn't know what he was doing.
He was trying to get the car started.
And I look over at one point, he's like, he's part of the car at one point.
He's got two hoses coming.
He's spitting and sucking.
It was like a goddamn orgy under the hood.
Have you ever done that?
Have you ever siphoned where it got into your mouth a little bit and you had to
spit the
gas out?
Siphoned?
What do I fucking look siphoned?
I'm a fucking white collar guy.
You think I'm siphoning my own gas, dude?
I don't even know how to change my oil.
What are you talking about, siphoning gas?
What?
Dude, have you ever met?
I only go to full service gas pumps.
You're telling me you don't know the taste of gasoline?
I know the smell.
I used to put a couple of drops on my buds to keep them roasted.
Get the high octane stuff.
My parents tell a famous story real quick about our first dog, Mike, which was...
Oh, dude.
What was he, your uncle?
Guys, clean up.
Uncle Mike's coming over.
I don't know why they named him Mike.
German Shepherd.
Because your parents are fucking hillbillies.
That's why.
They claimed, they named him Mike and they probably claimed him on the taxes.
Mike Foley.
He was a killer attack dog.
But in the late 70s, we had a...
He was getting out of here.
He was just yelling at everybody from the front porch.
In the 70s, they had a recession, right?
So, late 70s, my dad was still a teamster.
He was still driving a truck.
So, you know, he'd be gone overnight.
And some poor bastard was trying to siphon gas out of my mom's car out in the
front of our house.
Fucking German Shepherd jumped right through the plate glass window in the
front.
Chased that dude down the fucking street.
My mom had to fucking wake up, run after him, get the neighbors.
They caught him, but that dude ain't walking right.
I'll tell you that right now.
If he in there, he ain't happy.
Mike had a bowl full of some guy's nuts that night.
All right.
This one comes from Deadeye Dave.
And I know Foley used to get a bit weird back in the day.
So, who knows where this...
Deadeye Dave.
Have you ever stayed at a sex-themed hotel?
No.
Yeah.
Too fancy for you.
You couldn't get the scratch together to get the $200 deposit fee.
I've stayed at a regular hotel and sexed it up myself.
Whacked off at every square inch of that Motel 6 room.
Is jerking off in a garage count?
What the fuck's a sex...
Like in the Poconos.
Yeah.
I've done shows at them where I've had to stay.
I actually refused to stay because you walk in and that place is sticky, icky, icky,
dude.
That's a fucking...
Dude, I thought it was Corona Bio.
That's where Corona Bio started, dude.
I was afraid to touch a doorknob.
I was afraid to touch anything.
You get the condom on all the time.
Well, also, if you're going to a sex dude, and I know because I performed one
at one, it's fucking...
Like, they have the heart-shaped tubs, the fucking big martini glass with, you
know, hot tubs, all that fucking wacky, weird shit.
And it's like, if you're going to one of those, you are fucking trash.
And I knew it was going to be trashy because they told me in the email, I can't
wear jeans or shoes.
I have to wear, like, I guess in their eye, like, slacks and fucking a pair of
dress shoes.
If you call it slacks, you're trash.
Trash.
Chinos, too.
Chinos are...
Chinos is trash.
My dad was a big slacks and dungarees guy.
That's a nice pair of dungarees you got there.
And he used to call women handsome.
That's a handsome woman right there.
That's fucking garbage.
Oh, man.
That and Sharp.
Sharp was a big one.
Ooh, that jacket's sharp.
She's sharp.
Like, you're fucking weird, dude.
Clean living, baby.
Like, I'm looking at these people, and they show up in, like, basketball shorts
and, like, cut-off t-shirts, and I'm like, I got dressed up.
They're getting ready to fuck.
Yeah, I'm like, I got dressed up for these fucking hillbillies who paid to come
to a sex hotel.
I've always wanted...
When I was younger and would have fantasies alone in my room at night, I always
wanted to go to, like, hedonism or something like that.
It's the ripping and the tearing, baby.
The ripping and the tearing.
Dare to see that video?
Google it.
It's weird.
Okay, this one's fucking super funny.
This is from Bob Hafner.
How many cousins named Heather do you have?
Dude, that's a fucking home fucking rock.
Heather is a garbage fucking name.
Dude, I don't have any, but that's fucking hilarious.
There should be at least seven in my family.
I was in love with...
I was in love.
I was in love.
He's in love with the Heather.
I'm using the word love here in fucking elementary school with a girl named
Heather.
Heather.
Where'd she end up stripping?
She a dancer now?
Where'd she end up?
Nowheresville, PA.
She ain't working at Mount Sinai, I'll tell you that.
If she is, she's got the room now.
Heather, wow.
No Heathers.
Heather is a tough name.
Yeah, Heather's a really...
Heather...
It's a hot girl's name, Heather.
Yeah.
Heather's a hot girl's name.
From the wrong side of the tracks, though.
Yes, yeah.
Yeah, wrong side of Heather's.
Probably got touched.
Yeah, she fucking do all the...
Oh, man.
Heather babysat you.
You know, Heather babysat you, and her boyfriend came over and fucking...
piped her the second you fell asleep watching fucking Dukes of Hazzard.
Sounds oddly specific, but sure.
Thanks a lot, Derek.
My mom never got that out of the couch, either.
You piece of shit.
That was my favorite recliner.
You know what else is real trash?
Lazy Boy, too.
We had a Lazy Boy growing up.
That was...
You thought you made it if you got a Lazy Boy.
You know, my pop has, like, a mechanical chair.
It's a Lazy Boy, but it lifts him up because of the Parkinson's.
It lifts him up and out of the chair.
It's like a forklift.
It's like a forklift recliner.
And it's got a massage.
It's got heat.
I'll tell you what.
Go, go, Gadget Goober over there.
That thing, man.
Take that thing for a test drive when I was home.
I'll tell you what.
Woo!
Nothing wrong with that.
Question.
This is a real...
This will determine if you're...
How garbage you are.
Hang on.
That Heather one, man.
Who was that again?
Heather's a fucking home run.
Bob Hafner.
Oh, Bobby.
That was beautiful.
Is your dad's Parkinson's chair...
Wait, is this a question?
No, no, this is mine.
Is at least their own, that chair?
Are you making payments on said chair?
Four more easy payments, and it'll be...
Well, yeah.
Excuse me.
No, it's paid for.
I think it was a grand, though.
It was a jihad.
Ooh, it's more than the car.
Half the house.
Got insurance on it, too.
All right, this is from Juan Smith.
Shout out to Juan E.
Juan E.
Juan E.
Has a family member ever...
Oh, Jesus.
Has a family member ever been assaulted by their spouse at a family reunion?
Maybe over a card game.
Game of Crazy Eights went south, huh?
Go fish.
You stupid bitch.
What the fuck?
Over...
Maybe over...
Wait.
Who's playing cards?
What's going on?
Sing Sing?
Where are you at?
Who's playing cards?
I don't know.
At a family gathering?
Well, we would...
So, my family's big Irish Catholic fucking knuckleheads.
You know, big boozers.
And, you know, no one ever really dealt with any emotions, let's call it.
Hmm.
So, we've been playing, like, board games, you know what I mean?
Like, down the shore and whatever, you know, like, oh, get out fucking, you
know, Parcheesi or whatever.
Get out the Ouija board and, you know, see if we can talk to Uncle Ned.
Find it where Grandpa buried the...
Buried his hooch.
So, we...
And there's been fistfights.
Like, there's been board games that turn into fistfights.
Over Parcheesi?
Nah, but between cousins.
There's, like, Apples to Apples was one of them, you know.
All that kind of shit.
Apples to Apples?
What, the...
Shoots and Ladders?
What do you...
You guys are fucking morons.
I don't know.
Play Monopoly like a fucking gentleman.
Will you buy some property?
Start leasing the thing.
Get your hands on a railroad or something like that.
Get your hands on a Parkinson's ch