Name: AYG Comedy Podcast: Francis Ellis - Harvard Man
Uploaded: 2020-10-26T01:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'AYG Comedy Podcast: Francis Ellis - Harvard Man' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'AYG Comedy Podcast: Francis Ellis - Harvard Man' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-26. Transcript available.

AYG Comedy Podcast: Francis Ellis - Harvard Man

Hey, gang, it's your old pals, Uncle Hank and Kippy.
Just want to thank you for tuning in to R U Garbage.
Yeah, guys, make sure you subscribe.
That way you get the episode as they come out.
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Do it.
Yeah.
Welcome to another exciting edition of R U Garbage,
the show where you find out if your favorite comedians
are classy individuals or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley.
Woo, baby.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back
to everybody's favorite new podcast.
This is R U Garbage, the show where we sit down
with your favorite comedians and find if they grow classy
or if they're absolute trash.
I'm your host, H Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day
here in the East Village of Manhattan,
here at Gash Digital Networks, Gash Digital Studios,
the big fucking studio,
my co-host coming at you from right next to me.
He's my best buddy in the whole world,
and if I don't tell you enough, I love you, kid.
Gang, do me a favor.
You know, it makes me feel weird.
The next time you're reaching for a best pal,
you go ahead and make it a kippy,
and now with the holiday season, the Halloween season,
you can get them in a fun size.
Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin James Ryan, everybody.
Unfortunately, I'm fun size all year round.
Happy to be here.
Thanks for tuning in.
I talked to my wife.
Not the kid over here, I'll tell you that.
Kid's got a hog on him.
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Check it out.
Very nice.
Gang, we cannot be more excited to have our very special guest here with us
today.
I am rock hard.
I'm going to say that right now.
I feel like he is the opposite of everything that I am.
He's tall.
He's attractive.
This has been one people have requested.
They're like, you got to get him on.
Gillis, KFC.
They've all been like,
because he's going to throw you through a loop,
so we're not sure what to expect.
He seems like he's got a bit of an attitude, too,
and I kind of like that.
He's a sweetheart.
He would not talk to me at a country club.
I know that.
Yeah, because you could bus in tables.
If I was waiting tables for him,
he would not make eye contact.
No, he's a sweetheart.
And I respect that.
He's a sweetheart.
There's really no country club I would join that would hire you.
I don't know what else to say.
That kid's hot.
I just don't see you working somewhere that I belong to.
If they did hire you,
he would switch places, for sure.
Ladies and gentlemen,
he's a very funny stand-up comedian, actor, and a writer.
All right?
He is the host of Oops! The Podcast.
He has his very own comedy special out right now called Bad Guy.
He's a fucking tall drink of water.
Let me tell you,
this guy's an Avenger.
Give it up for Francis Ellis, everybody.
Hey!
Thank you for having me, guys.
Holy cow!
You have to be...
There's no way this guy's garbage.
No, he's class.
You're class throwing through.
Oh, I've got some skeletons.
Maybe you and your fraternity brothers killed a homeless guy once,
but I don't even know that I would call that garbage.
That's a good time.
It's just rich kids being rich kids.
Yeah, we didn't have fraternities at my school.
Where did you go to school?
I went to Harvard.
Satellite or Maine?
Was it Harvard-Altoona?
What one was it?
It was their primary, not an offshoot.
You went to Harvard?
I did, yeah.
Holy shit!
What did you study at Harvard?
Who killed Kennedy?
I studied government with a focus on the Middle East.
Wow!
Yeah.
Wow, so he could be an agent.
That's what I wanted to do.
He could be working deep cover.
Really?
Originally, I wanted to.
Applying to the NSA and the CIA.
Wow!
Didn't hear back.
Really?
Maybe I missed it.
That's the thing.
It could have been like I didn't read the soot in the chimney.
You know what I mean?
Sure, yeah.
I think they...
Sound like a writing packet?
You got a couple of monologue jokes?
Three desk pieces?
See if you get hired by the CIA?
Yeah, what's that application like?
It's really long, and it's a little intense
because they ask you things like...
And I do sort of a bit about it,
but they ask you, you know,
have you ever done any illegal narcotics?
And then they remind you at the bottom of the page
that all your answers can be verified via polygraph test.
That they're going to confirm everything you have to...
You know, and you're like, whoa, this is...
That's a lot.
Yeah.
I bet you they wouldn't care if you smoked a little doobie.
They want you to have a little street smarts.
Yeah, by that time, I was a little deeper.
It wasn't a little doobie here and there.
No, it wasn't.
I think it was a little Colombian band.
I wasn't experimenting.
I was doing at this point.
All right, so now we got a little checkered past.
I like to hear that.
Good looking and damaged.
That's what I'm going for.
Holy shit, Harvard.
You were a lacrosse player, too.
What?
I was, yeah.
All-American or something?
In high school, I was an All-American.
Real?
This kid comes from good fucking stock.
Did you play lacrosse at Harvard?
I did, yeah.
Holy shit.
Full scholarship?
So the Ivies don't offer athletic scholarships.
They do need based only.
Where were you offered scholarships?
Well, I had a few.
I wouldn't say they were scholarship offers because you don't get – I don't
think you get
a scholarship offer until you've said, yeah, I want to come to your school.
Who's recruiting you?
A lot of – Duke, Johns Hopkins, Albany, all the Ivies.
You brag about Widener University playing –
Yeah, I played a little Division III lacrosse.
Nice.
Nice.
What's wrong with that?
See how – nice.
No, that's good.
You're a good little kid, eh?
Good shit.
That's what that was.
Hey, Fatty, go get yourself a candy bar, will you?
Well, I went to this camp.
There was a camp my junior summer called the Nike Blue – back then it was the
Graf-Tex
blue chip camp.
He sounds like Illuminati, doesn't he?
That's what Tim Dillon says.
He texts me and asks me when my grandparents are taking over or stuff like that.
But there was this camp and it was the top 100 players in the country and I
went to that.
I got invited to go to that and then I was one of the people that had like
slightly better
SAT scores and all the coaches have their little – they have their folder on
you.
And when they see you out in the field wearing the number, they look up the
number like, I
like this kid.
They look them up, they got your height and your weight and then your grade
point average
and your SAT scores and all that right there.
And they're like, well, I can either continue to look at this kid or not.
And like Brown and Harvard and Princeton have to basically close the book on a
lot of kids.
Sure.
But for me, they were like, oh, you know, we can work with that.
Nice.
We're going to ask you anyway, but we might as well ask you now.
What did you get on the SATs?
I took the ones that were three sections.
Okay.
Do you guys remember that?
Yeah, that switched after.
So how old are you?
Like 30?
I'm 31.
Okay, yeah.
So it switched right after me.
I'm 34.
Okay.
Yeah.
So you were like one of the last years.
I was one of the last years to have the regular.
$1,600.
But now it's back to $1,600.
$1,600.
They moved back to $1,600.
So yours was out of what, $2,600?
It was a $2,400.
So what'd you get?
I got, I think, a $2,280.
Dude, that's three times what you got on the one out of $1,600.
Who is this fucking guy?
Yeah, I don't know.
I mean, I ended up, that was, I tutored the SAT when I moved to New York and
was doing stand-up
for the first, like, five, six years I was here.
So that was my gig.
That's a pretty good gig.
It was a good gig.
Good, decent hours, good cash.
I knew a kid that was a comic.
He was real book smart, too.
But, like, his day job was so much more, like, I'm waiting tables, busting
tables.
He was doing that.
He was, like, teaching kids, like, LSAT.
Yeah.
Like, a tutor.
That's a whole new ballgame.
I took the LSAT, but it was way harder.
Why'd you take the LSAT?
I thought I...
Had a free day.
After two years of stand-up and being in the mics, which were getting drearier
and drearier,
I just was like, I've given it a shot, this is crushing me, and I thought I
needed to get
real.
So I decided I should go to law school.
I went for four days and withdrew, because I was like, this isn't what I want
at all.
And then I doubled down on tutoring and comedy, and that's when things started
actually getting
a little better.
You must have been going around to the New York open mics looking around at
those people
like they're fucking mutants.
Dude, you guys know, I mean, it was a race to the bottom.
Oh, man.
It's depressing.
Every night you come in, and you're only performing for other comedians, so it's
a contest to see
who can tell the saddest story.
Yeah.
And if you get up...
First of all, I would get up, and everyone fucking hated me.
Right away.
Right from the jump.
Because I'm, like, happy.
You're the antithesis of everybody at a New York comedy open mic.
And so then all these comics, if I ever went, like, early in the show, which
was rare, because
I couldn't get there in time to sign up early, I would go towards the...
You know, if I ever went early, every comic after me would just talk about me.
That fucking guy's talked about whatever.
And it would be, like, four comics later, and you're like, we're still on this?
You know?
What's happening here?
That's why they're still all in those basements.
A lot of those guys never...
Hey, that's the price of beauty, buddy.
I don't know what to do.
A lot of those guys never get out.
I sound like an asshole, but...
No, it's true.
Yeah.
Just, like, how many, you know, Nazi youth jokes can you hear?
You know?
It was always the same fucking...
What was the situation growing up?
I'm assuming humble beginnings.
Well, my parents are from New Jersey originally.
That's where I lived until I was four.
Okay.
Like, Atlantic Highlands area, which isn't too far from here.
I don't know.
That sounds expensive.
Okay, I know Middletown.
Atlantic Highlands.
I was in the Norristown Lowlands.
Oh, really?
Flood region.
It's below sea level.
Sounds like a place that the gnomes abide.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's like it's a Middle Earth tier.
Yeah.
His house was just a door and a hill.
A lot of mist.
A lot of mist that way.
A lot of dew, yeah.
A lot of dew in the morning.
A lot of doors with big knockers on them.
Fog in the evenings.
Built into hillsides.
Hello, sir.
Gentlemen.
We moved to Maine when I was four.
Maine.
And I grew up in Maine.
Where at Maine?
Freeport, Maine.
Okay.
It's close to Portland.
Okay.
It's like 20 minutes north.
Yeah.
So, down east, they call it.
And what did your parents do?
What was that situation?
My dad moved to Maine and started a small software company up there.
Okay.
When I was four.
It's called Microsoft?
No.
He started it.
He had met a programmer that had an idea.
And he thought, my dad thought he could kind of conceptualize and build off
this idea.
But the programmer was the guy who had gone to the University of Maine.
You know, they have an engineering school.
He'd gone there.
Okay.
It was a software company that was going to connect.
I don't mean to get boring.
No.
What do you mean?
I want to hear this.
To be honest with you, I don't really know exactly what it was.
He was trying to get out.
He's like, there's a thing with the rats.
It's all ones and zeros, really, if you think about it.
But to the CIA point, my dad traveled a lot when I was a kid.
And I could never really understood what it was that he did.
There was a serious time in 