Name: AYG Comedy Podcast: Scott Chaplain - Jersey Trash
Uploaded: 2020-12-31T02:39:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'AYG Comedy Podcast: Scott Chaplain - Jersey Trash' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'AYG Comedy Podcast: Scott Chaplain - Jersey Trash' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-31. Transcript available.

AYG Comedy Podcast: Scott Chaplain - Jersey Trash

Hey, what's up, guys? Thanks for tuning in to Are You Garbage?
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Yeah.
Do it.
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?
The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey!
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast.
This is Are You Garbage?
The show where we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out if they
grew up classy or if they're absolute trash.
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He put the whole thing together.
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the pride of Chicago.
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Toby McMullen, everybody.
Hey, how's it going, guys?
Anybody looking to meet up, come on down to the Diversity Rockin' Ball.
We're bowling.
We are in lane 12.
We got two-for-one pitchers Wednesday nights.
And gang, we could not be more excited to have our incredibly special guest
here with us today.
He's an absolute get.
He's a fucking dreamboat.
I'll pay it out right now.
He is a very funny stand-up comedian, podcaster, and actor.
As an actor, you've seen him in the action comedy horror Cherry Bomb.
Of course, you've seen him on Jeff Ross's Roast Battle.
And he is the co-host of Garbage Days.
And the big question about his mind today, is he garbage?
I don't know, but the kid's a looker.
And he's got a nice little body on him.
Give it up for Scott Chaplin, everybody.
What's up, gentlemen?
How are we?
You're a good-looking dude.
You know that.
Come on.
We saw it on occasion.
No.
It depends.
It depends.
Now I've got a little bit of a midget face.
No.
Teen Beat cover boy.
It's all right here.
Yeah, but who's-
I have that.
Kind of you too.
It's all right here.
Yeah.
I remember some kid in elementary school.
Like a Jason Bateman face.
We're looking at me across the room going like this.
They're like, your whole face is right here.
I'm like, okay.
Gonna remember that for the next 25 years.
I look like a frog.
The kids could be mean.
I don't see that.
You're a good-looking guy, though.
Yeah, no.
Cool, too.
Very cool guy.
80s Hollywood, you got your own sitcom.
Sure.
Yeah.
Sure, yeah.
Catching up with Scotty or something like that.
Doing some hijinks around that house.
Staircase coming down on the main set.
Woo!
Be a good time.
But, buddy, thank you so much for coming in and sitting with this.
I know a little bit about where you're from, where you've been.
What's the full back story on Scott Chapman?
Jersey boy, right?
Yeah, North Jersey kid.
I'm from Jersey.
Born in Patterson, but then moved to a small town, Paquanik.
Oh, I know Paquanik.
Oh, yeah.
Are you from Jersey?
No, I knew a girl in college that was from Paquanik.
Ah, what's her name?
We can talk later.
Marissa was her first name.
Marissa.
I don't know.
That doesn't narrow it down for North Jersey.
Is it that small in the town?
That's fucking everybody.
Graduated with 19 Marissas.
My father was a cop, and my mother, she was just a nice lady.
But before I was born, she worked, like, the forensics at the jail.
Really?
Yeah, and then she quit because the guys were, like, immature there or
something.
Huh.
Why don't you examine my dick?
Yeah.
She said, like, her boss, like, they had a head, and he, like, spun it around
his head.
Like, what?
Petey Pablo.
Jesus Christ.
Yeah.
Dude, think about it.
It's fucking a bunch of North Jersey mooks.
I see a bunch of dudes.
Yeah.
Come on.
I thought you meant a couple of off-color jokes at the Christmas party.
I didn't know.
Swinging people's brains around.
That's fucked up.
See, I always worry that the doctors take a peek at you when you're in there
under surgery
and stuff like that.
Oh, why wouldn't they?
Oh, they for sure do.
Oh, man.
Shit.
Oh, the word's out now.
I'll tell you what.
It ain't great, kids.
There's a couple of nurses at St. Mary's who were not thrilled by me.
Did your mom and dad meet that way?
Did they meet on the job?
No, no.
They met each other in, like, seventh grade or something.
What?
And then they both kind of got into criminal justice for?
I think it was just a thing.
You know, like, I mean, I guess now they're trying to establish some rules
where you need,
like, a college education, but then it was like a cop.
You just got to pass it.
Yeah.
I think the test was, it was like, my dad used to tell me, it was like, your
mother
and your father's drowning.
Who do you save?
And then you go, like, oh, my mom.
And I go, yeah, probably.
Yeah, that's pretty good.
It can go either way.
But most likely.
You're in, kid.
Yeah.
No, it's definitely a career path for, you know, a lot of my family members are
cops.
Your mom and your dad are drowning, but the Jets game's on.
It's the fourth quarter.
What do you do?
No timeouts.
So, hold on.
So, your mom was a nice lady, small.
Where was he a cop?
Was he a cop in your small town?
The City County Sheriff's Department.
Oh, that's a pretty good cop.
So, that's like Patterson, to say Clifton.
Okay.
It's like a city cop.
All right.
And this was all before you moved?
Well, and he retired when I was, like, 11.
He retired when I was young.
Okay.
And then he was just a guy who sat on the couch, never changed outfits.
Pension.
Really?
Yeah.
Just literally had the same outfit until a day he died.
I think he was alive for, like, 12 years before.
You know.
When did he pass away?
When did he pass away while he was retired?
It was seven years ago last week.
Okay.
So, you were an adult.
A while ago.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right.
I was 23.
And why did you guys move from, to the small town?
Just economics?
Yeah.
He was just, he became captain, and I guess he had enough money to get the fuck
out of Patterson.
And, you know, he wanted us to get a better education, and then we fucked it up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because we're still his kids, you know.
Yeah, of course.
And we did the same thing.
Was he a loose cannon?
Well, no, yeah.
I mean, it's like, they grew up with no money.
They were, like, city kids.
They had it hard.
And then he hit it while, you know, we were all kind of grade school, middle
school, high school.
And then the way they acted wasn't completely, you know, noble or, like,
wealthy or anything.
They kind of acted shitty.
And so we kind of acted shitty.
Describe shitty.
And who's we?
My father was just an animal person.
Just a piece of shit guy.
But, like, funny.
You know when you go, like, oh, my dad was hilarious.
And then you look back at it, you're like, nah, he just, like, made people cry.
And I thought it was funny.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like, he made my aunt Eileen cry.
And that was hilarious.
That was part of the dance.
It's so funny as an eight-year-old, you know, like, whoa, I can't believe he
stuck it to her.
Why did he make her cry?
And now you're like, why are you fighting everybody?
Why did he make her cry?
He was just, you know, he was a drinker.
He would get drunk and then he would fight.
So he made her cry through insults.
Yeah, well, because I didn't, like, most of my childhood, I didn't know him
well because he worked second shift.
And so I'd be in grade school and then he'd come home at, like, 1130 at night.
So I'd only meet him when I would, like, wake up at 2 in the morning and he was
throwing shit around or fighting, you know, like, yelling at my mother.
Like, it's the only time I would see him up until he retired.
So they had a volatile relationship.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right.
Yeah.
Last few years, it was him on the couch or in the bed.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, we've had a couple instances like that.
For sure.
For sure.
And who's the we in the situation?
How many brothers and sisters?
Two older sisters.
Two older sisters.
How far apart were they from you?
One's a year and a half older than me.
Uh-huh.
And then one is 10 years old.
Ooh.
And how did they shake out?
Are they upstanding citizens?
I mean, yeah, you know, like, they're pitfalls here and there.
Sure, sure, sure.
Yeah.
But regular people.
They're awesome now.
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, one of them, you know, thinks Trump won.
But, hey, you know, the verdict is still out.
I'm not going to debate her and then she's right.
That would fucking suck, you know?
Yeah, I got to get some cranberry sauce over here.
I'm not looking for a fistfight, you know what I mean?
Yeah, she's very, you know, she's a little off the deep end.
But the other sister is, like, a Wiccan.
Is that the, what's a Wiccan?
Oh, wow, like a witch.
Yeah, like a witch.
She got married with, like, swords.
What?
Wait, hold on.
Yeah, like a sword scholar.
Which one is it?
Is this the one that's 10 years old?
No, it's a year and a half older than me.
Is the witch.
Like a Wiccan, yeah.
And the one that's 10 years older is a.
Which I didn't know.
I was like, oh, she's into this stuff.
Sure.
Went to the wedding.
There was, like, some witchy shit, you know?
And I'm like, ah, she thinks it's cute.
You know how, like, people who like, like, Harry Potter like Harry Potter.
Or, like, people that go to Disney and stuff.
I was like, oh, she likes witches.
Yeah.
She's like, oh, that's, like, a silly thing she likes.
I like wrestling, whatever.
And then my girlfriend borrowed a bunch of books from her.
And it was all like, how to be a witch.
Your life as a witch.
They're all written in blood.
And she was like, yeah, your sister's a witch.
I'm like, my sister's not a witch.
What are you talking about?
It's like, I am a witch.
The book.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, seriously, I am a witch.
Oh, and that came all together maybe five months ago.
The black cat, the frogs everywhere.
Come on, she's a witch.
Yeah, the eye of Newt laying around.
Yeah, she lives upstate, you know?
She gathers rocks.
Now, is he into Wiccan?
He's something like that.
Is he a wizard?
He walks in that world.
He's a wizard.
He's not, like, an accountant or something.
Yeah, he's not just some guy like, hey, babe,
are you enjoying your witchcraft over there?
I told you to watch the culture.
Fucking I Dream of Genie over here.
Touching your frog legs, hon.
By the way, that potion was fantastic last night, Mom.
Wow, so they're in that scene.
Okay.
Okay, ups