Name: AYG Comedy Podcast: Chris Distefano - Queens Kid
Uploaded: 2021-01-25T01:04:19.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'AYG Comedy Podcast: Chris Distefano - Queens Kid' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'AYG Comedy Podcast: Chris Distefano - Queens Kid' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-25. Transcript available.

AYG Comedy Podcast: Chris Distefano - Queens Kid

Hey, what's up guys? Thanks for tuning in to Are You Garbage?
Please make sure you go subscribe to the YouTube channel.
That way you get the videos as they come out.
Yeah, do it.
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?
The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast.
This is Are You Garbage?
The show where we sit down with your favorite comedians and find out if they
grow up classy or if they're absolute trash.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day down here in the
basement, Aunt Tootie's place.
She's up there taking a nap, so let's try to keep her down.
She had a fucking tough night last night.
My co-host is coming at you from right next to me.
He's the CEO of Are You Garbage?
He's my best pal in the whole world.
Give it up for Kevin, James, Ryan, everybody.
Thanks, everybody.
Thanks for tuning in.
As always, please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube.
Those numbers are through the fucking roof.
Thank you very much.
Also, you know, help us pay the bills.
Patreon.com slash are you garbage.
You can get bonus episodes of AYG.
You'll get hard feelings with just me and Foley.
Love that money.
And also, top tier, we do a live stream where we play AYG with you guys.
You ask us questions.
We ask you questions.
It's a good fucking time.
Get involved, baby.
Yes, sir.
I love you, buddy.
Cool.
And how about a nice shout out to our producer extraordinaire, the pride of the
Chicago comedy
scene.
We all know him as T-Bone.
Toby McMullen, everybody.
What up?
We got a great show.
We got a hot one coming at you.
Hot pod coming at you.
Because, gang, we got a little fucking star power in this dump today.
Not the usual bozos you see running through here.
All right?
This gentleman is an incredibly funny, incredibly successful stand-up comedian,
podcaster, and
actor.
You have seen him.
What do you call this fucking rap sheet right here?
This is like an episode of fucking Law & Order.
Special Victims Unit.
We got Benders.
We got Guy Code.
Girl Code.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
Not that fucking hippie you got in the chair these days.
You got The Challenge.
You have Gotham Comedy Live.
Guy Court.
Don Rickles One Night Only.
Seth Meyers.
Steve Harvey.
His own Comedy Central Half Hour.
The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore.
Comedy Knockout.
What's Your Fucking Deal.
Ultimate Beastmaster.
Stupid Questions with Chris DiStefano.
This week at the Comedy Cellie.
Tiger Belly.
And most recently, Colin Quinn and Friends.
He's got his own special out, Size 38 Waste.
He has a brand new podcast out called Hey Babe.
And, of course, he is one half of the History I Enas.
He's a young, good-looking kid with a fucking great jawline.
Gotta have a nice piece on him because he's a fucking big guy.
Yep.
Give it the fuck up.
For Chrissy Chaos, Chris DiStefano, everybody.
Thank you so much.
That was one of the best intros I've ever had.
The only thing I worry about is because this is, I would think,
one of the first podcasts we've done in Biden's America.
Yeah.
And it's Three White Guys.
I don't know if it's legal or illegal.
Toby's trans.
It's okay.
That's why he's off camera.
What's his name again?
Toby McMullen?
It's like a made-up fucking name for, like,
I mean, like a cop in a fucking novel.
I'm going to need your badge, McMullen.
If somebody said, what's your name?
If I was a police officer and I pulled you over and I was like, name,
and you were like, Toby McMullen, I'd be like, what's your real fucking name?
Your name's not Toby McMullen.
Have you given a fake name to a cop?
Have I given a fake name to a cop?
No.
I'm the kind of guy I have, especially with the police,
even though, like, I know I, like, look like a cop and could probably get out
of things.
I have a certain degree of anxiety around cops because when I was 16, I was
thrown up.
I had a baton stuck up my ass.
No.
I was, I was.
Like Rambo.
Never made a movie about me.
Yeah.
I know.
I was thrown up against the wall.
Like, I was just walking home and I was thrown up against the wall, handcuffed.
Wow.
And then it was just like timing.
I'm thrown up against the wall, handcuffed, sitting down.
They had me sitting down on, like, a fire hydrant stool thing and I fit a
description.
It wasn't me.
I was, I was coming home from basketball practice and my mother was walking by
from work with groceries.
Oh, Chrissy.
Starts hitting them with her purse.
Yeah, she was like, let my boy go.
Christopher, what are you doing?
And then.
Christopher, you keep your fucking mouth shut, all right?
Yeah.
And then, and then I just was like, I didn't do anything, mom.
Like, I'm innocent.
No way she believed you.
And then my mother, my mother, this, again, was 16, so I guess it was 2000,
year 2000.
My mother was like, if you don't have, like, she, I didn't know, like, my mom's
just like
a regular woman, like, doesn't know anything about the law, like, never got in
trouble,
nothing.
She walked up to the officer and she was like, you need to tell me the charges
on my son
right now or I'm getting my lawyer down here immediately.
I've never heard my mom curse in my life.
I've never heard my mom curse in my life.
And she was like, you fucking do it and you do it now.
Tell me the charges.
And then they were like, do we have anything on this kid?
And they're like, no, we didn't find anything.
And then they unhooked me.
And then it was just like one of those things where I was like, since then, I
like, I never
give fake names to the police.
I've had like this thing with the cops where I'm like, you know, and it's
interesting too
because there's been times where I've, I've gotten pulled over and done that
thing.
Like in liar, liar, I'd be like, you know, I have, there's weed in the back or
I have
unpaid parking tickets.
Parking tickets.
Yeah.
Fucking don't rob a bank with this dude.
Yeah.
I'm just fucking.
The jewels are in the trunk.
Yeah.
Everyone's like, you know, cause like the Stefano and the stories I tell about
my dad, it's
like, you know, I'll rat immediately.
I just want to point out to, I was going to ask you if you think you're garbage,
but
when you use the term unhooked, yeah, that's, that's pretty, it's pretty tragic.
Well, look, dude, I'm from a place called like Ridgewood Queens, which is just
a fucking
garbage place.
It's, it's a beautiful place and I'm proud of it, but it's one of those things
where it's
like, you know, let's just say, you know, a few of my, a few, let's just say a
few of
the people I grew up with were in Washington DC last week.
A lot of pipe fitters in Ridgewood.
The FBI was, had a, had a presence in Ridgewood over the past couple of weeks.
So it's just what it is.
And you know, I'm, I'm proud to be from that hood, but I kind of got out.
I got, my mother's still there, so I'm out and in at the same time.
But yeah, I come from like, you know, the, the lower, not lower class, but like,
you
know, working class.
We're like white, you know, we're the fucking, it was like a, it's like a
neighborhood,
like a very blue collar neighborhood.
You know what I mean?
We got you.
We want to heal the, I want to hear the whole story.
So start, start from the beginning.
You were born and raised in Ridgewood.
Ridgewood, Bushwick area.
So that really I was born in an area now that's like very gentrified.
A lot of, you know, comedian peers live there now.
A lot of like yoga stuff and all muffin shops and shit.
But like when I was growing, like there's a pizzeria called Roberta's that's
like a famous
pizzeria in Bushwick.
And everybody goes, it's like a hipster trendy spot.
And I swear to God, it's on Flushing Avenue in like 1997.
That's where I saw my first dead body.
There was a homeless guy.
His body was laying there on fire.
So we had just missed.
We had just missed.
Pizza must be good, huh?
And dude, everybody, everybody's parents, when I was a kid, everybody's parents,
it didn't
matter what fucking race, religion, whatever you are.
Everybody's parents like, do not pass Flushing Avenue.
Do not go past Flushing Avenue.
You can't do it, it gets bad down there.
And then, you know, the one time we do it or the first time we did it, we saw a
homeless
guy, we assumed to be homeless, just on fire laying in the middle of the street.
And then literally at that intersection is where the Roberta's Pizza place is
now, which
is like a vegan fucking trendy place where I'm like, and look, it's good for us.
It's kind of like Texas oil money where like my mother owns this.
A bunch of idiots not going to have a lot of money.
Yeah, my mother owns the same dilapidated bullshit house that I grew up in.
It hasn't changed anything since 1984.
And it's like, she could sell it probably for millions of dollars right now to
some fucking
idiot who like wants to live near the L train.
I'm like, dickhead, if you want to pay 10 grand for a rat-filled studio, do it.
Like, whatever your fucking dream is.
I mean, but I know that this neighborhood, we're kind of sitting there like,
why do people
want to live here in Ridgewood Bushwick?
But it's the new hot spot.
So, you know, it's good investment for us, I guess.
Same thing happened in Philly.
All my uncles lived in this town called Fishtown.
And then that was like the Brooklyn of Philly.
Yeah, that's where the Philly punchline is, right?
Yeah, yeah, right there.
And like, they all just like cashed out and like bought like fucking houses
down in like
Wildwood, New Jersey.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, look, it's like, look, dude, you know, if you want to fuck, if these
hipsters
want to come in here and, you know, whatever, whatever they want to do, dude,
you want
to go to, you know, 12 to 12 people in a one bedroom.
Fine, dude.
It's 15 G's a month.
But you can walk to the L train and there's diversity, which it's very
important to you.
So here it is, baby.
You know, the the border of Brooklyn, Queens is always an interesting thing.
And I thought I thought you were a Bay Ridge guy.
Well, Bay Ridge is where I live now, where Giannis, Giannis used to live.
It's where our studio is for the history.
So we did a lot of Bay Ridge stuff.
But I, I went to school at St. Joseph's, which was in downtown Brooklyn.
And a lot of those kids were from Bay Ridge.
So I started going and hanging out in Bay Ridge on Third Avenue since I've been
like 20
years old.
Is that a hump from, from Ridgewood?
What did you just say?
Is that a hump?
Yeah.
You never heard that?
What the fuck is that?
Is that Philly stuff or is that garbage shit?
Trash.
He's just trash.
That's trash.
Okay.
Yeah.
I mean, it's probably trashy Philly if we want to get into it.
A hump is like a hike.
Because I know that there's, you know, there's Philly things and all that stuff.
But it's like, when you say a hump, it's like, I got to know.
Like, that's not everybody in Philly, right?
Just his dirtball family.
No, which is great.
I love it.
Yeah.
But it's, yeah, Bay Ridge, Bay Ridge is that.
He literally took offense to you saying that.
I love it.
He was like, hold on, what'd you say?
What?
No, because it's like, no, I'm not offense, but I'm just like, what the fuck?
I'm just like, what the fuck?
Yeah.
But Bay Ridge is, Bay Ridge is the last neighborhood in Brooklyn.
So it's really one of those things like where even the prices of houses are
high there because
that neighborhood, you know, it could be corrupt at times where it's like they
want to keep
people out.
They want to keep the price high.
I'll tell you this.
In 2016, when Trump got elected, I went out where every other neighbor, I'll
never forget.
When he got elected, you know, I was in the West Village and then I went to go
visit my
mom in Bushwick and it was like somber.
It felt like 9-11.
Like it genuinely, because I was in New York on 9-11, it felt like 9-11.
Bay Ridge was a fucking party.
